she canceled the wedding almost one month away

[freeman]

I have been searching many avenues for answers... My former fiance of almost one year decided to cancel our wedding approximately one and half months prior to the date (8/7/04).. We were close friends in college and I started dating her during her senior year... I am older and had graduated and started my career in the same town.... Being that we were friends and close our relationship hurled into a fast pace... We were both very much in love and wanted to be with one another at all costs... Upon her graduation from college, she started to lived in a house with other girlfriends... Because of the love for each other and the financial concerns of her paying rent, we both wanted to live together in my house.... I wanted to help her get financially stable and we also had the feeling that we were going to end up together no matter what... We both have traditionally families and we asked them if we could live together... Her father agreed because of my stability, personal success, and demeanor.... Everything was fantastic in my eyes..... We were getting along every day and I though we were moving in the right direction... We constantly held a great deal of respect toward each other and trust was always there... We had mutual friends together and we did not try to smother one another from our own activities as well. After living together for close to one year and feeling the urges of her wanting to get engaged, I decided to ask her to be my wife last july 2003.. This took place in a perfect setting in Jamaica..... beautiful ring, beautiful place, ect.... Of course she said yes first, and then if I asked her father... (yes i did ask her parents..... The moment was set and months followed with agreement and planning.... We had one year for the wedding date that was set august 8, 2004... . By living together, we were able to save money and allow each part of the family pay five thousand dollars... My former fiance and I were also contributing at least 5 thousand as well. I being financially stable at 27, wanted everything paid up front... Plans continued well again until approximately april of 04... She started to doubt if she was ready to be married at the age of 25... I was completely understanding and tried to reason with her all of the reasons of why she was scared..... Of course the reasons came about such as: I am too young, I am not ready, and there is something telling me that I should still be single.... I was devastated and concerned of my future.... We have a very close relationship with her parents and I told her to talk to her mother.... Her mother being more angered by her daughter's feelings and possible decision to cancel the wedding.... Her mother stated that she is not missing out on anything outside of marriage and that her allusions are ones of immaturity.... In other words she was telling her daughter to grow up or realize what you have (being me)... She (former fiance) then decided that she was not thinking straight and asked me to never leave her side.... We continued to believe that mild depression was a result of her not being able to find her calling in life... I suggested going to her primary doctor for medicine..... Of course they gave her zoloft and her mood started to improve.... As the anxiety of the wedding came closer, she broke down more and continued to relay to me that she was not ready to get married.... By this time many of the invitations were out and all plans had been finalized..... I was not concerned with any money at this point, but only for our future...We talked to hours and I told her that she needs to make a decision on what she wants to do... I never raised my voice and remained loving during the entire duration of turmoil. A lot of crying was done on her end and a little on mine..... Her parents were upset, my parents were upset, and the whole family was devastated..... I made the decision that the wedding should be canceled instead of postponement... I assumed that her feelings may still take place 2 months or 2 years from now.... Of course we were still living in same house in separate beds.... This lasted for approximately 2 weeks until she could transfer with her work back to her home town.... Her move full move took place Friday 7/9/04.... She was very emotional about moving back and starting over a new life... I felt that I needed to have her find herself and also face all of the fears that were mentioned prior to the cancellation of the wedding... Her parents believe in my as well as all of her friends... Is it possible that some people are not ready for marriage or is there something more.... I have been following a book from james dobson and I believe that through the correct actions, I may be able to reconcile our relationship unless I am being foolish.... She called friday morning leaving a message on my voice mail saying that she was driving back home and that she hopes that we can stay in contact through all of this...I could tell that she was getting emotional during the message... I have yet to call her back and I am trying to remain strong in regards to letting her go in order to determine if real love exists..... We both say that we still love each other, but maybe she does not love me enough now to get married..... Is there hope in getting her back in the right light or should I move on..... I believe I have made all of the correct move so far, but if there is any similar stories, I would appreciate some insight....

[Karlise13]

I am very sorry to hear about what you're going through.

 

A friend of mine went through a similar situation, only HE was the one to back out of the wedding.

 

He and his fiancee were going together about 4 years before they got engaged. He said he always felt ambivalence about marrying her. He said she was 'technically' the perfect woman, but he never felt 'ready' to commit. He worried that perhaps this meant he wasn't really 'in love' with her. It plagued him constantly.

 

They fought a lot and finally broke up, only to get back together a year later. He told me that although he dated other women, he really missed his former fiancee. Even though they fought a lot, she was 'a lot smarter' than some of the women he was meeting and 'would be a great mother' someday. So he thought he'd give it another go.

 

So they got engaged AGAIN. The whole time they were planning the wedding, he still fought those feelings of ambivalence. The wedding grew closer and closer, they had terrible fights almost every day. Three weeks away from the wedding, he called me and said he thought he was about to lose his mind.

"I wish we had more time!" he said.

But the invitations were long sent, the dresses and flowers and food paid for, the hotel rooms booked, the tickets to Hawaii purchased.

 

So guess what happens?

 

HE CALLS IT OFF THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING!

 

BAM!!! Huge explosion on both sides of the family.

 

Everyone was freaked out and furious, naturally.

 

It was a huge mess. He ended up shelling out $40,000 to cover the costs of all the deposits and cancellation fees, plus the costs of repaying people back for airfare, travel and hotel expenses.

 

He said at the last minute, he just realized he didn't want to spend his life with her. It was very painful and sad, but it just came to him. The reason they fought so much and the reason he balked so much was because he felt pushed into a marriage with a girl that his PARENTS thought was 'perfect' but whom he didn't really love enough to marry.

 

"I wasn't strong enough to say 'No' and let her go on and meet someone new," he explained. "I wasn't strong enough to stand up to my parents and date a girl I liked but that they might not have. I'm glad I didn't get married but I regret the pain I caused everyone,"

 

This was about 9 years ago. He has since moved on, met someone else and married her. He's been very happily married for 3 years now.

 

I don't know if this story helps you or not.

But I would not push for marriage with anyone who seems very very ambivalent about marrying you.

[sally1530]

Our wedding was cancelled because I found out he was cheating or emotionally cheating on me... he had his profile and picture up at lavalife.com looking for intimate encounters (sex) and was emailing 3 different gals... he said he didnt cross the emotional or physical line with any of these girls but I was living with him one month before our marriage and he was doing this our entire 14 month relationship. Trust was broken on both sides... he cancelled the wedding and I moved out the next day. I gave him back the ring and made him pay 15,000 for the wedding. We dont talk or see each other since this all happened... well a few nasty grams but thats it. Its good to hear that alot of people who are engaged change there minds and dont go on to marry the wrong person. Your not alone.

[Debster]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

It does appear though that it was the right decision to call off the wedding. You want to marry someone who knows 100% that they want to marry you. MArriage will be tough enough on its own without also having to deal with a partner who isn't as committed or as in love as you are.

 

Good luck.