M30USA Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I'm not debating whether or not porn is an addiction. This thread is for those who choose to believe that it's something they want to stop doing. That being said... I've been clean of porn for a while now. It's kind of strange but I've struggled with it a lot, and then suddenly it kind of disappeared. I was listening to the radio (a Christian channel) and I heard a Scripture which said: Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18) This really struck home. It made me realize that as innocent as porn may seem, it's actually been harming me all the while. I can see firsthand how it wasn't good and was causing problems. I hope God gives me the power to remain free from it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Congratulations. Good for you! My husband experienced this issue for a long time and it wreaked havoc on our marriage (very badly, feel free to read my threads). He almost lost everything because of it. Including his daughter permanently. We are still recovering from it. I was frequently blamed by many male members of LS for either causing the problem, creating the idea that there was a problem or making it worse. It was very frustrating. Gladly I had good supports here through it. I hope that he remains steadfast in his conviction to keep it out of our life. I wouldn't have thought such a common thing could rip through one's life in such a devastating way and so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Porn almost cost your husband his daughter? How? I remember taking a pysch/counselling elective in college where they talked about a behavioral model which predicts if a person can/will make a change. It says that a person will change if they believe (whether correctly or incorrectly) that they will get more benefits from making the change than not making the change. I totally agree. I hate to say I'm trying to stay quit for selfish reasons, but it's true. I now believe I actually gain more by not looking at porn. It's like I have to use selfishness to my advantage--if that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Social Services became involved with my parents last year who were also providing temporary care for my daughter. In turn they interviewed us after my husband went through treatment for porn addiction because his issue was so severe. They listed it as a source of major concern. My husband had also had a serious alcoholic relapse after the porn addiction treatment and had not properly followed-up with his recovery, the alcohol was more problematic than the porn and I had to kick him out after he got loaded while in care of our daughter. He also trashed our place. Despite already having gone for treatment, he admitted to a porn relapse and (idiotically I might add) didn't want everything to seem like "all his fault" and felt like he was "getting thrown under the bus." so he told them I was a total mental case figuring that it served me right and that they wouldn't take her from my parents place or from me. He was wrong. They seized her and placed her in foster care. We both had to attend domestic violence group for 14 weeks, have a parenting assessment and a mental health assessment for me. I passed. I do not show any signs of s personality disorder (yay me!) but I had also had a lot of counseling of the years and trauma therapy to deal with the stupidity that was my childhood, so I'm not surprised. The last major battle I have regarding my mental health is developing a better coping skill besides over-eating. At least when my mother says: "your father was never mean to any of us, are you crazy!?" I can point to sone police reports and say "no, I've already been screened for that." Anyways: he was restricted from even visiting her for two months. Social services did an independent risk assessment about his sexual issues. By that point he passed. He had been porn-free about two months. (and alcohol free about 3-ish, after they took T, he stopped that too). It's part of his continuing terms. He also had made an accusation that I wasn't even attached to her at all. That was terrible. I was even glad for the observed visits because it was evident how close me and her were. It was also part of why she was sent home early (which virtually NEVER happens). Neither one of us missed any appointments or visits. They took up days each week to complete the terms laid out for assessments and such. It was very taxing. I am still really embittered about the whole thing. Having her taken and gone knocked me back so far I couldn't imagine the grief had I not gone through it. My daughter actually just fit right back in as if nothing happened at all. During the five months my husband learned a lot about how destructive his behaviour was and has done tremendously well with empathizing etc. He is generally not very harsh at all anymore. I am proud of him. But this stream all started with my husband and his lack of honesty. It just snowballed to a point where it grew bigger than both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Wait, I didn't think porn was a legal problem; as in the courts will actually punish a spouse for porn or makes him/her take classes. I mean nowadays even adultery isn't considered important by some judges since most divorces are no-fault. I guess I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 It had nothing to do with divorce and custody. We haven't divorced. It had to do with a child protection issue. Regular porn use most likely wouldn't fall under that BUT he was do addicted that it made him really unstable. He really wasn't with it. He just got do sucked into it and would spend huge amounts of time trying to hide it and act out. It was just messed up. He'd crawl over me sleeping to go out to the garage to watch it. He'd go to public wireless and watch it (before I got a smartphone). He just couldn't contain it at all. I wasn't concerned that my daughter would ever be exposed to it intentionally (social services was but their assessment ruled otherwise). I was more concerned that as I begun the divorce and sole custody process that if he got any kind of overnight custody that he would maybe stay up all night watching it and not be able to functionally patent her at all. I was also concerned about the type of women he had already throughout our marriage been into and how he would carry on those interactions in our child's presence. (and I did not express this social services, they had already drawn worse conclusions because my husband had already been to treatment and relapsed). Given the depth of his addiction, I agree with them considering it a child protection issue. I believe that if he had a smartphone at the time, it would've been even worse. Not to mention how damn miserable it was to live with him! Oh how that sucked. The lies, the games, the whining, blaming and benders he take off and do. Oh jeez. Porn for some can be just like any other drug. It just isn't as recognized yet, but seems to be coming moreso. Some men aren't able to get it up with real, live women at all. I'm surprised my husband isn't impotent by this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Dang, that's pretty addicted. I don't think I could have ever gotten that addicted because my wife was constantly trying to boss me around and I never even had the time to hide anything. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Most porn/sex addicts that I've ever met claim that their wife is bossy and controlling. Most of them that I've met in active addiction are also neglectful of what she has to deal with, and they are really hard on the wife for the shame and pain it causes her. I came from a very abusive childhood with a narcissistic father and a codependent mother. They were a cakewalk compared to dealing with my addicted spouse. He very much though it was my fault and he got kicked out in the middle of winter one time. Another time he disappeared (just before our daughter was seized) and ended up living in the back if his car for 3 months. Pain-wise: the abusive childhood didn't stack up to the three years of crap from my husband. (and my childhood was VERY shaming) Very few people function well with chronic pain and it has broken me in places that I'm sure I won't be completely while again in, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that this world is jacked-up. I'm sorry for all the crap you've had to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Silent Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 I'm not debating whether or not porn is an addiction. This thread is for those who choose to believe that it's something they want to stop doing. That being said... I've been clean of porn for a while now. It's kind of strange but I've struggled with it a lot, and then suddenly it kind of disappeared. I was listening to the radio (a Christian channel) and I heard a Scripture which said: Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18) This really struck home. It made me realize that as innocent as porn may seem, it's actually been harming me all the while. I can see firsthand how it wasn't good and was causing problems. I hope God gives me the power to remain free from it. Congradulations on overcoming your porn addiction. I hope you are able to continue down your path of porn absistence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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