secure enough to end a bad relationship

[sendme]

Hi... so posted elsewhere, I'm in a bad relationship... most recently he's cheated on me with 7 women, or really 9. essentially he e-harmony chatted with 8, went on dates with 6, picked up two in hotel lobby bars, kissed one, slept with 4. I consider it all cheating, but somehow listing the inventory of it helps me to wrap my head around it all...

 

anyway... another poster commented on how low my self-esteem must be to tolerate someone like this. and I agree I do have really low self-esteem... so my question is this... how do you have enough self esteem to walk away... I mean if these women were uglier than me (all of my boyfriends previous girlfriends were) then it might be easier, but these women are stunningly beautiful. somehow that makes it worse... I don't know...

 

so I wonder what exercises can one do to boost one's self esteem? how do you stop comparing yourself to the women he cheated on you with?

 

I know he didn't cheat because of me, he cheated because of him... but somehow that doesn't make me feel better....

[whichwayisup]

You have two issues going on here. He's made you feel unloved and insecure because he cheated on you. Of course you understand that him cheating had nothing to do with you, he's a serial cheater, broken inside and needs help. But, having to deal with and go through what you went through naturally will have an effect on you and your self confidence.

 

Surround yourself with good friends and people who make you feel good.

 

Go shopping and buy a great new dress. Go have a spa day with your bestfriend, or sister. have fun! Then, flirt with guys when you're out. The looks you'll get and maybe get hit on WILL help you feel good about yourself. Not saying to hook up with someone else, but the ego feed and having guys check you out is what you need right now.

 

The other issue is, your inner strength to leave. Not to be afraid of the unknown and being alone. You have family and friends to help you through this so you won't be alone.

[Exit]

In my experience with self esteem issues it's not something you're going to fix any time soon so you can't afford to stay in this relationship while you try to figure it out. You're not going to build up your self esteem in a week or two and you shouldn't stay with a serial cheater longer than about the next ten seconds.

 

Here's a cool way to look at it though, getting out of this relationship ASAP will actually give you a quick boost on your journey to self esteem, because you'd be taking a big step by realizing you deserve more than someone who would cheat on you multiple times. The longer you stay the longer you are subconsciously telling yourself that you deserve it and that you belong with someone like this, which you don't.

 

Try to reverse your perspective about it. Don't try to build up enough self esteem to leave. Leave to build up your self esteem.

[sendme]

wow.... exit that is a really neat way to think of it! Thank you for sharing!

[Downtown]

Sendme, I agree with Exit. You deserve better. But I understand -- all too well -- the attraction of having great, passionate sex that outstrips anything you've ever seen in the movies. When abusive, disordered people are treating you good, it tends to be very VERY good. Indeed, it can be so good that walking away from it is very difficult. You will go through withdrawal pains. This is why such toxic relationships are generally regarded to be so addictive, wherein you alternate between the wonderful highs and awful lows. I therefore agree with Exit that you owe it to yourself to end the toxic relationship.

[sendme]

Downtown... thanks so much for tracking me down! this is such a supportive forum I imagine I will be posting here often enough to become an authorized user!

 

what I'm really interested in is your talk of self soothing, and engulfment vs. abandonment. I know you reference these things in the terms of BPD, however, I don't think my current bf has BPD. But he definitely does that, one minute he's talking about wanting babies with me and wanting to marry me and the next night he's threatening to break up with me or cheat on me...

 

he's even admitted that he gets so caught up in us that it scares him... he hasn't admitted this, but when that happens he starts looking at me for reasons he should back out...

 

I saw someone else post on here that most normal people see this kind of abnormal controlling behavior and they bail, but those of us from abusive pasts see it and we try to figure it out, and that's exactly what I'm doing...

 

Hovering somewhere between trying to figure him our and trying to prove to him that I am an amazing woman worth loving and treating well.... I am beginning to realize that he may never really grow to love me or see me for who I am so now I'm trying to figure out how to walk away... and I think that by really understanding his behavior for what it is it somehow loses power over me... like he can't make me think that my behavior is causing his awfulness if I can know and understand the root cause...

 

Furthermore, you just seem to have so much insight, I'm wondering when I get out of this awful situation how do I move on and be happy. My ex has stood by me through thick and thin, knowing that I've been with my current bf, knowing how awful the relationship has been. I left the area for several months trying to get away, but we live very near each other and as soon as I returned I got right back involved. My ex left because he wasn't happy in this area and I had to be here for school... since then he's gone through counseling, and really has worked on himself, while I've gotten involved in this emotional, and physically abusive relationship, had a period of suicidal depression and in general have just fallen apart.... I swore to my ex that when I returned I wouldn't go back to the current guy and yet here I am... I stand to lose my ex with whom I was always very happy and know I could have a happy stable future, and the current guy is not only just as awful as he always was, but he's worse...

 

so... what's going on with me that this is even a choice... why can't I cut and run? you can see my other posts about the relationship (the abuser or the love of my life)... and feel free to ask any questions...

[OsiStruck]

Friend I started Cycling and I love it.. Dropped 40 lbs already and even dated again for a minute.

 

My ex boyfriend of 15 years went on vacation for 2 weeks came back engaged to a 24 year old in another county. My ex and I are the same age ...45. Need I say more.

 

We are so much more worth that what we give us credit for.... he still texts me asking to see me (ex boyfriend).... if u can't walk out.. run out! Good luck! His loss.

[Downtown]

I don't think my current bf has BPD. But he definitely does that, one minute he's talking about wanting babies with me and wanting to marry me and the next night he's threatening to break up with me or cheat on me....

With regard to your current BF, why are you so quick to rule out his having moderate to strong traits of BPD? I ask because you are describing a man who is physically and verbally abusive, cheats on you, and is somewhat unstable. If you haven't seen the list of DSM-IV BPD traits, you may want to take a look at them at Borderline Personality Disorder. Are you thinking that his behavior is closer to that of narcissistic traits?

 

With regard to yourself, I suspect that you are a codependent caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). If that is true, it is easy to understand why you find the passionate bad boy so much more attractive than the stable, emotionally available exBF (BORING to a codependent caregiver). I therefore suggest you take a look at therapist Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. The last half of that article is especially insightful about how we caregivers get to be this way in our childhood -- growing up to be the "fixers" who are so strongly attracted to people who are masters at projecting a strong vulnerability ("catnip" to us caregivers).

[alexandria35]

Hi... so posted elsewhere, I'm in a bad relationship... most recently he's cheated on me with 7 women, or really 9. essentially he e-harmony chatted with 8, went on dates with 6, picked up two in hotel lobby bars, kissed one, slept with 4. I consider it all cheating, but somehow listing the inventory of it helps me to wrap my head around it all...

 

anyway... another poster commented on how low my self-esteem must be to tolerate someone like this. and I agree I do have really low self-esteem... so my question is this... how do you have enough self esteem to walk away... I mean if these women were uglier than me (all of my boyfriends previous girlfriends were) then it might be easier, but these women are stunningly beautiful. somehow that makes it worse... I don't know...

 

so I wonder what exercises can one do to boost one's self esteem? how do you stop comparing yourself to the women he cheated on you with?

 

I know he didn't cheat because of me, he cheated because of him... but somehow that doesn't make me feel better....

 

My friend, self esteem will not fall into your lap from the sky. Many people want to excercise but they don't because they don't feel like they have the energy for excercise. They sit and wait to feel energetic before they will engage in any physical activity. What they fail to realize is that if they got up and started to move the energy will come. You have to spend energy to get energy.

 

Self esteem and self respect is much the same. Act as though you have self esteem and self esteem will appear. Treat yourself with respect and soon you will feel respect for yourself.(I just noticed that another poster has already said much the same thing) Honestly, it will be very difficult for you to grow your self esteem while remaining in this relationship. I think you take a leap of faith and leave and trust that your self esteem will be there for you.

[sendme]

With regard to your current BF, why are you so quick to rule out his having moderate to strong traits of BPD? I ask because you are describing a man who is physically and verbally abusive, cheats on you, and is somewhat unstable. If you haven't seen the list of DSM-IV BPD traits, you may want to take a look at them at Borderline Personality Disorder. Are you thinking that his behavior is closer to that of narcissistic traits?

 

With regard to yourself, I suspect that you are a codependent caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). If that is true, it is easy to understand why you find the passionate bad boy so much more attractive than the stable, emotionally available exBF (BORING to a codependent caregiver). I therefore suggest you take a look at therapist Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. The last half of that article is especially insightful about how we caregivers get to be this way in our childhood -- growing up to be the "fixers" who are so strongly attracted to people who are masters at projecting a strong vulnerability ("catnip" to us caregivers).

 

Downtown... I was reading BPD as Bipolar disorder not Borderline Personality Disorder... after reading your link.. I think some of it fits, the splitting (i.e. other people are either all good or all bad) the engulf/abandon oscillation fits, he's never had a relationship longer than 3 years, but he doesn't have a lot of the others - no risk behavior until the recent bought of cheating, he's very very career oriented and goal focused - he's highly successful in very competitive and hard to achieve fields... so I guess I do lean a little more towards his being narcissistic...

 

even early on in dating I picked up on the fact that everything ALWAYS swings back around to him... you couldn't tell a story or share an experience without it somehow swinging around to him, and I would notice that when we were in the getting to know you phase, I'd ask a lot of questions and let him answer, but I don't feel like it was ever really reciprocated. For example... I'd say "how was your day at work..." and we'd talk about his day and then talk about the next 18 things that popped into his head and he'd never return the simple greeting and ask how my day was.

 

And I don't know what the technical term for this is... but he has a near complete lack of empathy... its as though he is entirely unable to filter how a comment or action might make someone, anyone else feel. He cannot make an emotional connection and he covers that up by being physical, he wants to be touching at ALL times... and the harder the emotions for him to process the more he wants to bury it in physicality if that makes sense....

 

he'll even acknowledge that he has obsessive-cyclical thinking, something will just run through his head and own him, he lacks the ability to self soothe... and he often says that one of the things he likes about me is I completely calm him down that is of course as long as I go with the flow, but the moment I want to do something that is not what he wants its a fight... this morning I got stuck in cyclical thinking about his cheating so I wanted to get up and go for a run... trying to self soothe and get out of my head for a while, and it was an argument that I wanted to get out of bed... literally an argument, at one point he actually grabbed me by the arm and picked me up and tossed me back into bed. This wasn't a screaming fight, and I didn't necessarily feel threatened by the fact that he picked me up and moved me, but it was a not so subtle reminder that his expectation is that I do what he wants when he wants me to. The morning eventually ended with me leaving for the run, and his telling me that he was done and to get the **** out of his house, after which he obsessively called me, and while i was out running rushed to my house and banged on the doors.

 

As for me... I've never really bought into the co-dependent thing... I don't want to be needed per se, but I want to PROVE something. this is something I've only recently realized... and maybe that is a form of co-dependence... My mother was bipolar and abusive and of course because of the bi-polar disorder she was emotionally unavailable. So I spent much of my formative years trying to prove something to her and myself, and gaining any positive affirmation from my actions. I excelled in school and athletics, was a straight arrow, and made sure that my looks were exactly what society expected them to be (skinny blonde cheerleader), I took etiquette classes... essentially I spent a good portion of time feel like if I could just behave and look a certain way that I could prove myself to my mother and in some sense probably hope to earn her consistent affection... of course now that I'm older I realize she'll never approve of me... I'm in medical school for heaven's sake and she was disappointed because I am taking out student loans to pay for it instead of working full time (nobody works full time in med school its impossible), in her more lucid and calm days I know she grieves that we aren't close, but she is completely unable to associate our not being close with her lack of ability to support me or form an appropriate attachment to her children. She was detached with me, and now that my father and she are divorced and it's been just she and my little sister she is way way way OVERLY attached to my sister.

 

So for me... I think there is a huge part of me that wants to PROVE my WORTH to this guy... I want him to wake up one day and say oh my gosh... you're a freaking catch, I'm such an idiot to not realize how wonderful you are, and I want him to change his behavior because of it.... the logical part of me is beginning to realize this will never happen, not because of anything with me, but because of how he internally processes things... he'll never think the person he is with is a catch... he'll obsess over them, and control them, and perhaps admire things about them... but people to him are objects or possessions....

[sendme]

Friend I started Cycling and I love it.. Dropped 40 lbs already and even dated again for a minute.

 

My ex boyfriend of 15 years went on vacation for 2 weeks came back engaged to a 24 year old in another county. My ex and I are the same age ...45. Need I say more.

 

We are so much more worth that what we give us credit for.... he still texts me asking to see me (ex boyfriend).... if u can't walk out.. run out! Good luck! His loss.

 

Oh my stars in heaven?? are you serious!

 

first of all... way to pick up a new hobby... go you!

 

second of all... are you serious about your ex!?! that might be some kind of record inducing low... I hope she's a con-artist or criminal or something...