BS/Ex? is going completly crazy...not sure how to deal with this..

[Adamgem]

I have been posting on here recently and appreciate all the feedback I get.

 

I thought they were completely over. She had said things like she didn't want us to be together in front of the children etc. I agreed and have their boy with us now.

 

Suddenly she wants to come and stay and sleep together as a family and is telling him 'he had his fun and now it is over'....

 

Then she becomes threateing and tries to blackmail him. She has threatened to kill us both.

 

I understand these emotional reactions but I do know how to deal with her. He said she will not accept it is over between them. He told me, at first, that he wanted to leave her anyway now he is saying it's because of me.

 

I told him I am not interested in being involved with him if he is 'with' someone eles in anyway. He spends 24/7 with me so this is all very sudden and strange. It is out of the blue for me.

 

I told him - to sort it out. Be honest and he just says he knows what she is like and that she will never agree that their relationship is over. That he is just having fun. He has a family with her.

 

He tells me he wants to be with me and to make sure she and the children are well looked after and happy.

 

He said she will never back down. She will do anything to get him back and split us up.

 

Is this common and how do I deal with it?

Edited July 28, 2012 by Adamgem
Poor grammar

[woinlove]

Over the past 2-3 weeks you have posted about how you can't trust him, you ended it, you are not sure his W knows he is living with you, he stays with the W and children for days at a time, you think they are together, you are not sure, you two are still a secret, and now this post puts the whole focus on his W.

 

Obviously he has been lying to his W, who knows what he makes her think, and just a couple weeks ago you felt they were very connected and sleeping together. I think you need to shift the focus from his W to him, his actions, and whether he is doing what you need to be confident you are building a future together with no more hiding and dishonesty. If he is not doing that, then ask yourself if this is what you want.

 

Having said that, if you feel your safety is at all threatened by his W, then go to the police and make sure legal steps are taken to keep you safe.

[Radagast]

I have been posting on here recently and appreciate all the feedback I get.

 

I thought they were completely over. She had said things like she didn't want us to be together in front of the children etc. I agreed and have their boy with us now.

 

Suddenly she wants to come and stay and sleep together as a family and is telling him 'he had his fun and now it is over'....

 

Then she becomes threateing and tries to blackmail him. She has threatened to kill us both.

 

I understand these emotional reactions but I do know how to deal with her. He said she will not accept it is over between them. He told me, at first, that he wanted to leave her anyway now he is saying it's because of me.

 

I told him I am not interested in being involved with him if he is 'with' someone eles in anyway. He spends 24/7 with me so this is all very sudden and strange. It is out of the blue for me.

 

I told him - to sort it out. Be honest and he just says he knows what she is like and that she will never agree that their relationship is over. That he is just having fun. He has a family with her.

 

He tells me he wants to be with me and to make sure she and the children are well looked after and happy.

 

He said she will never back down. She will do anything to get him back and split us up.

 

Is this common and how do I deal with it?

 

I fear it is quite common. Certainly my own experience was similar. After I told my ex-wife I was having an affair and planned to leave her, she chose not to believe that and refused to accept that the marriage was over. When I left her she still persisted in her belief that it was simply a ploy to lure her back into marriage counselling. Several of our meetings to discuss the divorce (custody, financial arrangements etc) would be subverted by her attempts to lure me back, to seduce me or to convince me to "try again" for the children. She begged, threatened, cajoled, and tried to make me jealous by flaunting a boyfriend in front of the kids. But even though her tactics did slow the divorce down, she could not prevent it. And, if your boyfriend is serious, her tactics will not prevent him severing ties to her either.

 

Divorce does not require the other party's buy in. She cannot force him to stay with her against his will. If he wants to be done with her, he will. He can file restraining orders if her threats concern him (or you), he can insist that during handovers of the children there are third parties present, or that these happen in neutral spaces like schools / nurseries, and he can insist that any communication go via lawyers. There is absolutely no need for he and she still to be communicating directly with each other - unless they are both choosing to do so. If she is continuing to behave like this, and he is not summoning the full force of the law to prevent it, then he is clearly consenting to it or even encouraging it. And in that case, you have a choice.

 

Are you prepared to live with him allowing or encouraging her to reduce your quality of life in this way? Or are you prepared to insist that, if he does not actively stop her from doing so, your relationship with him is over (or at least over until she is fully under control and out of his life forever)? This is not something you have to put up with and if you're not prepared to accept it, you need to draw your boundaries and stick to them.

[scatterd]

In my opinion I think you need to step back and let him take care of his break-up first, after it is done then you can continue on with your relationship. You mentioned {he said} he is doing this for you. What if you are blamed? This could cause him to have resentment to-wards you. How much truth is their in what he says is another thing I would question. This is a hard situation to be in and can be dangerous. If he wants to leave he can and will.

[scatterd]

Thank you Alice

 

I did not have all the facts so I am going to change my opinion. Leave run as fast as you can and never look back. He has a pattern set and if he did not change for other woman he will not for you. He has memorized his lines and knows exactly what to say. Their is other men in the sea that are honest and loving. You was looking for someone when he came along and will find someone else. Life is to short to waist it away with drama and lies.

Really do your self a favor and leave him with whom he is with. I know you love him and hurt but knowing what you do would you want to live this way the rest of your life. You could end up on the other side one day and if you think it hurts now it is even worse after you are completely invested. Good luck and Big Hugs

[alexandria35]

I have been posting on here recently and appreciate all the feedback I get.

 

I thought they were completely over. She had said things like she didn't want us to be together in front of the children etc. I agreed and have their boy with us now.

 

Wait. What?You agreed to not be together in front of the children and now you have their boy with you? I thought the kids didn't even know about you. How do you now have their boy?

 

Suddenly she wants to come and stay and sleep together as a family and is telling him 'he had his fun and now it is over'....

 

That is ridiculous. Either he is twisting her words or he is repeating something she said scarcastically in anger. You sound like you think she really wants to come have a sleep over at your house. Don't be ridiculous.

 

Then she becomes threateing and tries to blackmail him. She has threatened to kill us both.

 

Have you personally received, seen or heard any of these threats?

 

I understand these emotional reactions but I do know how to deal with her. He said she will not accept it is over between them. He told me, at first, that he wanted to leave her anyway now he is saying it's because of me.

 

I told him I am not interested in being involved with him if he is 'with' someone eles in anyway. He spends 24/7 with me so this is all very sudden and strange. It is out of the blue for me.

 

He spends 24/7 with you? Thats news to us. Just a few weeks ago you were posting about him spending days on end at home with his wife. How long has he been spending 24/7 with you?

 

I told him - to sort it out. Be honest and he just says he knows what she is like and that she will never agree that their relationship is over. That he is just having fun. He has a family with her.

 

He tells me he wants to be with me and to make sure she and the children are well looked after and happy.

 

He said she will never back down. She will do anything to get him back and split us up.

 

Sounds like his ego is quite enjoying all the drama and despair his actions are causing two women. He must feel awfully special to have not one, but two women, desperate to keep him.

 

Is this common and how do I deal with it?

 

This whole post is strange and sounds very disconnected from your previous posts.

 

I don't know how anyone can live with this much drama and uncertainity. Well actually I do, because a large chunk of my adult life was spent on stupid drama over men. Big waste of my precious time and energy. I'm done with all that crap now and I won't be spending the second half of my life the same way I spend the first half. I believe that you will always have drama with this man. You haven't even been with him that long and it sounds like it's been nothing but drama from the start. Is this what you want for your life?

 

I've said to you all along, that this is the time for you to start pulling yourself together and figuring out what you want for the second half of your life. Is it this pathetic mess of drama and dysfunction? You want to waste your time on this? Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? If you can then get rid of this guy and take over your life. If you can't then find out what resources there are to help become self sufficient. Don't waste what's left of your precious youth on this crap.

[Emme]

I think its wonderful you know where you stand. It's great that you are armed with this knowledge. You know what's in your future. That's the plus to your situation.

 

She has threatened to kill us both.

 

What have you done about this. Have you made a report that she's threatened your life. If you haven't you are just accepting her behavior.

 

 

 

I understand these emotional reactions but I do know how to deal with her.

 

It's not your job to deal with her it's your partners. The threat she made against your life is something for you to deal with. Tell your man to handle his business.

 

 

 

He said she will never back down. She will do anything to get him back and split us up.

 

I don't know the history of this relationship but the question is, is he worth it?

[Adamgem]

Over the past 2-3 weeks you have posted about how you can't trust him, you ended it, you are not sure his W knows he is living with you, he stays with the W and children for days at a time, you think they are together, you are not sure, you two are still a secret, and now this post puts the whole focus on his W.

 

Obviously he has been lying to his W, who knows what he makes her think, and just a couple weeks ago you felt they were very connected and sleeping together. I think you need to shift the focus from his W to him, his actions, and whether he is doing what you need to be confident you are building a future together with no more hiding and dishonesty. If he is not doing that, then ask yourself if this is what you want.

 

Having said that, if you feel your safety is at all threatened by his W, then go to the police and make sure legal steps are taken to keep you safe.

 

Thank you for you post. Earlier today I started to do just that. I ignored everything he was telling me about her and focused on him.

[Adamgem]

I fear it is quite common. Certainly my own experience was similar. After I told my ex-wife I was having an affair and planned to leave her, she chose not to believe that and refused to accept that the marriage was over. When I left her she still persisted in her belief that it was simply a ploy to lure her back into marriage counselling. Several of our meetings to discuss the divorce (custody, financial arrangements etc) would be subverted by her attempts to lure me back, to seduce me or to convince me to "try again" for the children. She begged, threatened, cajoled, and tried to make me jealous by flaunting a boyfriend in front of the kids. But even though her tactics did slow the divorce down, she could not prevent it. And, if your boyfriend is serious, her tactics will not prevent him severing ties to her either.

 

Divorce does not require the other party's buy in. She cannot force him to stay with her against his will. If he wants to be done with her, he will. He can file restraining orders if her threats concern him (or you), he can insist that during handovers of the children there are third parties present, or that these happen in neutral spaces like schools / nurseries, and he can insist that any communication go via lawyers. There is absolutely no need for he and she still to be communicating directly with each other - unless they are both choosing to do so. If she is continuing to behave like this, and he is not summoning the full force of the law to prevent it, then he is clearly consenting to it or even encouraging it. And in that case, you have a choice.

 

Are you prepared to live with him allowing or encouraging her to reduce your quality of life in this way? Or are you prepared to insist that, if he does not actively stop her from doing so, your relationship with him is over (or at least over until she is fully under control and out of his life forever)? This is not something you have to put up with and if you're not prepared to accept it, you need to draw your boundaries and stick to them.

 

Thank you for your post.... they are not actually married although they have three children together. I had said/thought there was no need for him to be with her unless he wanted to.... even if it is only for short periods. People do what they want to.

[Adamgem]

Isn't this the guy who's leading a double life in TWO countries?

 

He works and has a mistress/employee in one country and has a wife and children (that he goes home to on a regular basis) in ANOTHER country.

 

As you've been warned over and over again, your guy is an accomplished liar and is playing you and his wife. His wife most likely knows nothing about you.

 

You'd be surprised at what elaborate lies a MM like yours will spew in order to stay married and hang on to an OW who is fed up with being an OW.

 

You're putting a kink in his cake-eating plans.

 

He had not been seeing his family much until recently - holidays etc. The BS does know about me but I am not sure what exactly she knows. I know he is a liar. I am trying to remove myself from the situation but it is not so easy since I live and work with him. I know very few people in this country so I am, apart from this forum, very alone. Thank you for your post. I will not allow the cake eating to go on!

[Adamgem]

In my opinion I think you need to step back and let him take care of his break-up first, after it is done then you can continue on with your relationship. You mentioned {he said} he is doing this for you. What if you are blamed? This could cause him to have resentment to-wards you. How much truth is their in what he says is another thing I would question. This is a hard situation to be in and can be dangerous. If he wants to leave he can and will.

 

 

Thank you for this. I did say all of these thing to him. He can come after me, if he wishes, when he has resolved all issues with his BS. Until then I am not available. However, I do not believe he will ever do that.

[Adamgem]

The OP's guy had an affair on his first wife. Has two children with her.

His second (and current) wife was his OW for three years. They have three children.

 

See a pattern?

 

The OP thinks (if she lands her dream guy) that she's somehow going to have a different ending than the first two wives.

 

I do not and have never thought he is my dream guy and I certainly never thought I was going to have a different ending. I was probably enjoying the chase and learnng a lot about my vulnerabilities. I think he tried harder becuase I would not take his advances that seriously. I told him I would not want him because he is a cheater and a liar. He is just not letting me go so easily.

[Adamgem]

Yes, this is VERY common.

 

Most MM who want to cake eat will come up with elaborate tales as to why they cannot leave . . . or in your case, predict there's going to be a problem leaving . . . even a murder. Which of course means, he has no intention on really leaving.

 

If a person REALLY wants to get a divorce (like yours has been saying for over a year to keep ensuring he gets sex), especially a well-off MM with plenty of attorneys like he has, they serve their spouse with divorce papers.

 

Your MM is stalling. Very, VERY common.

 

In this case I believe him. I have listened to her on the phone to him... she made some very nasty threats and they sounded real. However, you are right, if he really wanted to have less contact with her. He would. He refuses to acknowledge this. Thank you for your posts.

[Adamgem]

Thank you Alice

 

I did not have all the facts so I am going to change my opinion. Leave run as fast as you can and never look back. He has a pattern set and if he did not change for other woman he will not for you. He has memorized his lines and knows exactly what to say. Their is other men in the sea that are honest and loving. You was looking for someone when he came along and will find someone else. Life is to short to waist it away with drama and lies.

Really do your self a favor and leave him with whom he is with. I know you love him and hurt but knowing what you do would you want to live this way the rest of your life. You could end up on the other side one day and if you think it hurts now it is even worse after you are completely invested. Good luck and Big Hugs

 

Thank you so much... I am really trying to get out of this now. I know you are right.

[Adamgem]

Yup, that's the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting DIFFERENT results. Mr. Dream Guy only knows ONE way of life - being a cheating, lying dirtbag who trades in one wife for the next before the current wife even knows she's been replaced. Ain't he a charmer??? Mr. Dream Guy needs to get a vasectomy and stop impregnating every woman whose stupid enough to have sex with him.

 

That's the FIRST thing he needs to do.

 

OP, you're just ANOTHER stupid one in a long string of many. Sorry, but you are. You're not unique and you're not special. You're just foolish. And when you're in his current wife's place in a few years - crying and wondering why Mr. Dream Guy keeps disappearing for days at a time only to find out the loser has knocked up yet ANOTHER stupid woman and is promising HER that he's leaving YOU as soon as possible - you'll realize we were all RIGHT about him.

 

Oh wait a minute - you already ARE in this position!!

 

You're a fool if you really think that your situation is somehow different than all the other pitiful ones out there just like it. Because it's NOT.

 

Your words sounded a bit harsh but maybe that is what I needed to hear. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Adamgem]

Oh, and as far as the title of this thread goes - not knowing whether his wife is the "BS" or the "Ex," I believe it would be "BS." He was married and your boss when you chose to have an affair with him, so she's the betrayed wife even though she was no better because she made the same stupid choice when he was married to wife #1.

 

That is what he is now trying to tell me.... 'you knew I had a famiy'.....'I will always have a family'..... 'you are preventing me from seeing my family'... (not true)

 

I was foolish to assume it was over between them after he had spent so much time with me including christmas etc and almost no contact (until recently) with his family. It is a shock.

[Adamgem]

I've had difficulty understanding the timeline and circumstances on this one but I do think I'm pretty clear on one thing. This man is a serial cheater and has a pattern.

 

I also think he was lying his ass off about his wife being ok with it before. I expect he lied about the real circumstances of his relationship with Adamgem and his bs has just found out the truth.

 

If I were you, I'd remove myself from the situation because the chances of this man being faithful to you are tiny and if she is threatening you with physical violence then that's even more reason to remove yourself and notify the authorities.

 

Thank you for these thoughts. I have listened to her on the phone, in the last few days, that is when the penny dropped for me. She is in a very confused state. I went cold towards him. He has arranged for her to fly here tomorrow and wanted me to meet her so she could come to terms with their split.

 

I decided against the meeting as I just want to remove myself from this situation now. I do not want him when I see this behavior. It might take me a few months to get out of this situation though. Complicated by living arrangements and work.

[Adamgem]

I said the same thing in the pregnancy/termination thread.

What a path of destruction for these poor kids.

 

I agree. I am 39 and know that that was probably my last chance to have a child but when I see how he is I think, from a practical pov, I made the right decision.

 

I still feel bad I couldn't keep it.

[Adamgem]

This whole post is strange and sounds very disconnected from your previous posts.

 

I don't know how anyone can live with this much drama and uncertainity. Well actually I do, because a large chunk of my adult life was spent on stupid drama over men. Big waste of my precious time and energy. I'm done with all that crap now and I won't be spending the second half of my life the same way I spend the first half. I believe that you will always have drama with this man. You haven't even been with him that long and it sounds like it's been nothing but drama from the start. Is this what you want for your life?

 

I've said to you all along, that this is the time for you to start pulling yourself together and figuring out what you want for the second half of your life. Is it this pathetic mess of drama and dysfunction? You want to waste your time on this? Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? If you can then get rid of this guy and take over your life. If you can't then find out what resources there are to help become self sufficient. Don't waste what's left of your precious youth on this crap.

 

Thank you for your post. I think maybe, in these emotional states, I do not write everything very clearly.

 

He does not spend days on end with them. Just one or two here and there. However two days living in their 'home' is too much for me.

 

Not to be affectionate/sexual in front of the children... that was all and I agreed as I don't think it is nice for them... maybe I am wrong.

 

The boy came to visit his father and as we live together that is how he is with me now.

 

I was listening into the conversation. They have spoken very little during the last nine months and now suddenly she is behaving as if they have always been together. She does not want to come and visit me but him. She tells him to get rid of me. I am nothing she says.... and so on.

 

I have heard the threats. I listened to her on the phone. She sounded very serious and nasty.

 

I agree that he is enjoying all this drama. That is why today I told him I no longer want to talk about any of this. It is over for me. I do not want this type of man. It is going to be a long hard battle to get out of this...

 

I work for him and live with him. I am isolated from my friends as I am now living in another country. It is a very complicated situation and I am now going to try to remove myself. I must try not get too emotional as I might end up in a terrible situation if I do.... Thank you for your feedback.

[Adamgem]

I think its wonderful you know where you stand. It's great that you are armed with this knowledge. You know what's in your future. That's the plus to your situation.

 

 

 

What have you done about this. Have you made a report that she's threatened your life. If you haven't you are just accepting her behavior.

 

 

 

 

 

It's not your job to deal with her it's your partners. The threat she made against your life is something for you to deal with. Tell your man to handle his business.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know the history of this relationship but the question is, is he worth it?

 

Thank you for your response... I thought about confronting her on the phone tomorrow about her threats although I am not sure if I want any more involvement - also people do say things in the heat of the moment...

 

I still think I should ask her why she is threatening me?

 

I told him today that I should not have to deal with this situation. He was meant to be split. Why would I want to have this in my life.

 

I also told him I didn't think he is worth it....

[Adamgem]

I would like to thank everybody that responded to my posts. I am not able to get online that often.

 

I think many people are at different points of the affair/breakup/healing.... so it is very interesting to have all points of view.

 

I know that I am in a bad situation and that it is probably going to get worse.

 

I also know that I come to this forum when things go wrong. The rest of the time I am very happy. Having said that I know it is all based on lies and I am just wasting my time.

 

All of my friends and his note how much better we are.... he was more out of control before he met me and so was I.

 

At the start of the relationship my friends told me NO.... then they saw a positive change in me and changed their minds....

 

This is the most difficult part. I do not know if others have experienced this but the thought of going back to my 'old' life does not appeal to me.

 

So I am trying to take the advice of many on this board and make a new life. It is going to be a challenging few months as I have the following problems:

 

I will be homeless, jobless and he will not let me go easily. I will probably have to start over in a new country (long story) and at my age (39) it is not very appealing.

 

Looking over my other posts I hope I am not irritating people on the forum with what appears to be extremely foolish behaviour.

 

I read many things here and find them funny and helpful. The people on this forum are so helpful.

 

I know he will not let go so easily. He wants me to meet her and become good friends. He wants everybody to get along. He makes it all sound so nice but I can not trust somebody like him.

 

When I mention his first wife and all the hurt and upset that caused he says that is exactly why he wants everybody to get along this time! I do not believe him.

 

I am sure I will keep posting over the coming months. I often want to respond to others and offer support but feel too messed up and stuck for time at the moment.

 

I would love to hear from somebody that had to continue working with their boss after the relationship ended....

 

Once again thank you to all.....

[whichwayisup]

You must have a friend, a family member to live with until you're back on your feet? Most wouldn't deny a friend in need, especially one getting out of a bad and unhealthy situation.

 

You don't have to go back to your 'old' life. You create a new one. Don't let fear of the unknown scare you..Be excited! You'll be free..No more bullshi.t, no more drama, no more pain. The pain you feel now (that is, when you DO end it completely) will be final - Then you can truly begin your grieving process so you can heal.

 

Keep posting/venting. Nobody here thinks anything like what you described. Trust me, there are others worse off than you and post much more often depending on how severe their situation is. LS is a helpful place, so it's okay to post as much as you need to.

[Adamgem]

You must have a friend, a family member to live with until you're back on your feet? Most wouldn't deny a friend in need, especially one getting out of a bad and unhealthy situation.

 

You don't have to go back to your 'old' life. You create a new one. Don't let fear of the unknown scare you..Be excited! You'll be free..No more bullshi.t, no more drama, no more pain. The pain you feel now (that is, when you DO end it completely) will be final - Then you can truly begin your grieving process so you can heal.

 

Keep posting/venting. Nobody here thinks anything like what you described. Trust me, there are others worse off than you and post much more often depending on how severe their situation is. LS is a helpful place, so it's okay to post as much as you need to.

 

I have little/no contact with my family and they live in another country. My friends also. I just moved with him. I will move slowly as I really believe he is a psychopath.

 

I have not been myself lately. I said some very nasty things about his bs and that is not my nature. I do not like to judge anybody especially when I do not know them. I think she is suffering and in a terrible situation. I must focus on not ending up like that.

 

I know he will not let me go easily.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I will not be able to post on here when he is around so I have been taking advantage in the last few hours! Once again thank you!

[woinlove]

I have little/no contact with my family and they live in another country. My friends also. I just moved with him. I will move slowly as I really believe he is a psychopath.

 

I have not been myself lately. I said some very nasty things about his bs and that is not my nature. I do not like to judge anybody especially when I do not know them. I think she is suffering and in a terrible situation. I must focus on not ending up like that.

 

I know he will not let me go easily.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I will not be able to post on here when he is around so I have been taking advantage in the last few hours! Once again thank you!

 

Good luck with that Adamgem. It will be difficult when you continue working for him, but you can be making a plan, protecting yourself. I don't know what country you are in, but in many places if he really won't let you go "easily" and this is a problem for you, you can resort to legal means. The insight that you don't want to end up like his BS (either of them) is good and can motivate you toward change.

[nofool4u]

how do I deal with it?

 

Find a single man.