No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[lemonlime]

I think you may need to just focus on your thought patterns. If you notice your obsessing over him, or any negative pattern of thinking, make a point to change the direction of your thoughts. I know, easier said then done. At first youll probably notice every 5 minutes and manage to change it for 10 seconds at a time, but over time it will keep decreasing.

 

Just try to have faith the right person will come along, and try to stay conscious of maintaining healthy boundaries with them. Two people with some of the issues you described could fall into a very unhealthy relationship pattern. Next time just try to be more aware of not allowing that to happen. And remember that you deserve better.

[ForwardThinker]

So I broke NC today after 24 days. I had been having a hard time this week. I just sent her a massage saying "Hi" and that's it. Not sure why but I do want to move on.

 

We broke up because she was moving, we weren't at a stage where I would move with, and there were some differences in us that didn't support longfevity. Proximity is destined to keep us apart (as she's across the country).

 

I believe I had been feeling a lot of the normal symptoms after a breakup. Rejection, loneliness, emptiness, etc. I'm not sure what I was trying to accomplish with my message of "Hi" but I sent it. Not sure if she will even respond or how I would respond to her response (if she does).

 

I'm just trying to move forward, come to peace with myself, and move on with my life. I was overwhelmed with ruminating thoughts and thought this might help put them to rest.

 

I don't know. I guess we'll see. Whats done is done, right?

[not-a-drive-by]

Has she replied?

[nevadagirl]

I don't feel good, mind you. I feel...somewhere in limbo. Sort of out of it. I believe NC is important and has been throughout this whole ordeal. My ex...he never respected NC. So a breakup that was already rough enough became so much worse. So much harder to let go of. But enough of that victim **** right? I managed to cut him out for the most part. Enough to facilitate some serious healing.

 

I posted a few days ago about him e-stalking me and then again with the hey can we be friends crap. On meetup of all places. You see - there is no safe place from someone like this. Perhaps a coffin would do? And it is crap because this person does not care about me. This person does not care about how he hurt me. This person will never apologize. But this person will will indulge his ego at my expense. Every. Time.

 

I ignored this meetup email from this person who does not even use meetup. I ignored it. A week goes by and he emails me under a different email address. The same thing really. Oh I don't know if you're interested in hearing from me and you might have ignored my other email but just in case I will ask you again. And he asked if I was watching my favorite television show (which used to be our show). And he asked if we could be friends. But all in caps. With S's and Z's.

 

I knew he had a girlfriend. Did I know this from facebook stalking or google stalking? No. I knew this because that was really what the contact was about. The request for my "friendship" again would come on the tails of a new love. I always, always knew that this was coming. Because all the requests for my friendship came when he'd just done something that would hurt to know about.

 

I realized - now almost 11 months post break-up that NC wasn't right anymore. Because for a day I felt a sick validation that ...maybe I still meant something even though I knew that I did not. Even though I thought I felt indifferent most of the time. Even though inside I knew he had a girlfriend.

 

So I decided to confirm it. Although all of his facebook became and stayed public the day he went to visit his super-ex girlfriend and have sex with her and post pictures of the two of them together barely a month after we broke up, there was only one picture of him and the new girl cuddled up together in his parents' house and it was from about a month ago.

 

20 days (because I ****ing counted) after this public Facebook display that I think he hoped I saw he "randomly" joins my meetup. A week after this intrusion remains unnoticed I get the email. And a week after being ignored I get a new one.

 

So how does it feel...knowing officially that I am replaced? Replaced by a pretty young successful artist. An upgrade.

 

Not particularly great.

 

I nervously looked at his old online dating account first. Deleted. Then to the facebook. Then to hers. Then to her tumblr. Then to the photos of the two of them that go back to at least January.

 

Then the feeling that I was delusional during that time around his birthday at the end of February and started reading missed connections because we had this sick history with that. But didn't he write that to me right at the beginning of March? I mean he put his name on it. He referenced the game I used to play. And that one he deleted...guess the relationship wasn't serious then...maybe it was all in my head my head my head

 

Delusional. Felt delusional.

 

I question myself. Why haven't I met my upgrade? Oh yea I remember. I stopped searching.

 

I think it was important to confirm my supposed worst fears. And I responded to him. I told him - Here is a response for you because that is all you actually want. And I wrote that I do not hate you. And I am not mad. And I do not love you. And I am not in love. And I don't think you care but I think you care about me seeing your life. So here I am looking at your life. You have a girlfriend and I don't care. Because when something happens with me there is no desire to tell you about it. Any friendship would be forced and weird. And I said I am not a sociopath and that I wasn't indifferent. That I had moments where I missed him and wished we could talk but always realized I didn't actually have anything to say to him. I told him - because I had never actually said these words before but silence doesn't speak as loudly as you'd think - to not contact me anymore.

 

I sent it at about 2 in the morning. He responded less than a minute later. He copy/pasted the part where I said I have moments where I miss him...and said "That's really all I was feeling when I wrote that. Sorry if I crossed a line. I hope you're doing awesome because when I do think of you I think of you as hilarious and great. Take care "

 

da da da when I DO think of you not when I think of you da da da

 

pain. expected though.

 

The only part that wasn't true was obviously the part about not caring about the new girlfriend. But my reaction didn't have much to do with him. It was about me. My life. What was I doing. If he was SO bad how did he end up with so many friends and the social life and the upgrade. The woman so out of his league. Compare Compare Compare. Try to remember that I stopped dating for a reason. I stopped trying to fill that void with another person. Maybe he was ready for a new love. A girl he met a whole 3 months after we were over. Maybe it grew into something amazing, missed connections be damned.

 

I'm trying to remember now that I was trying to work on myself. I am filled with a renewed discomfort at the thought of hitting the town because his psycho-to-be (or soulmate to be) and him seem to always be doing things together. Out on the town. Taking pictures.

 

The sick validation I felt for a day told me I had to put a stop to my false hope that I meant anything. I needed to know. And now I know.

 

I hope this is the beginning of the end of this nightmare.

[Exit]

It is what it is, can't change it now. I don't think you said anything too terrible. Besides, it's one thing to break NC when you're the dumpee and the other person hasn't said anything to you, but in your case this guy was trying to get back into your life anyway, so technically there already was contact and you just decided to tell him to get lost. I know the feeling of wondering why the horrible person is the one who ended up with the social life and the new partner and all the successes while meanwhile I have nothing. I've simply come to accept that life is not fair.

 

Take a proactive approach to stopping any further contact from him. Block whatever email addresses of his that you know. Don't just count on him to stop the contact and then blame it on him when he bothers you again.

 

I also hope that this will help you finally move forward.

[William]

Moderator note:

 

By member request, this old discussion thread was pinned to direct readers to an excellent starting post about no contact. Also, I moved recent posts to this thread to open it up for a continuing discussion on people's opinions and experiences with no contact. Members can continue to start specific threads on their own issues, or post them here, but I would like relevant discussion of no contact in general to occur in this thread. Thanks!

[Frank13]

Thank you William and thank you to the member who suggested it be pinned.

[winstonsdreams]

Hey everyone i am new here, just joined today, some advice would be appreciated. I am not doing so well, i broke up with my ex gf nearly 3 months ago, i broke it off. she tried to come back, for a month she reasoned with me to make it work, but i stood firm. She implemented NC for the next month, i missed her, i cracked and did the whole come crawling back scenario. I totally lost it, I called her and tried reasoning for a second chance and that we could make it work but she has gotten a new boyfriend. The next day i messaged her over and over pleading to give us another go. Her mother eventually asked me to please leave her alone. Now this girl really like me, like wanted it all, she has a son from a previous marriage and wanted to settle down with me. I have been in contact with her mother since, who loves me but insists i move on. I tried 3 wks of NC but caved yesterday and sent a txt asking "how have you been?". No reply. EVERYBODY is telling me to leave it, but i just can't, i really love her and want to make this work. She met this guy a month after we broke up but says she is really happy. But her birthday is coming up and i was wondering if it would be a good idea to try again then? Or leave it and move on completely. I have to admit NC was good to me but i really want to fight for this one. Go on guys give me the hard word please!

[crazylove]

So you finished it, and even when she begged u to give it another go, u refused, and now she has moved on with her life, u want her back??!!

Pretty selfish and excuse the cliche, but if u love her, let her go. She's made it clear she's moved on with her life, and you're no part of it.

You need to let it go.

[winstonsdreams]

Thanks for the reality check, i have been struggling so bad with NC. Plus i have a severe case of dumpers regret, yes i may sound selfish and stupid, it broke my heart knowing she was so upset when i broke it off though, BUT i never ignored her texts or calls when i knew she was suffering. I love her to bits, but it upsets me she won't even speak to me. I know I have to let it go I guess, i just want her back so badly though!

 

Do you guys definitely think i should not get in contact with her on her birthday? It might be fairer to let her just be happy. At least i can say i learnt a valuable life lesson from all this. Please be honest and straight up but fair please!

[Phanpooh]

Thank you for NC guide, after 8m i think i am better and stronger. I accepted the fact and stop asking myself why it happened. No more pain and everything is shining just like nothing happened.

When someone ask me how about ex, i easily answer them "i dun know". Sometime they tell me how she is and i could say, "thank you but i dun care"

when i closed that door, i wish it just never open again.

It still hard to have feeling for anyone else, and i miss her sometime. But i know, when i am ready, somebody will come to my life.

Ps: and again, thank NC, thank LS, best wishes for everyone here.

[TaraMaiden]

I think this is my first deliberate post on here, because aside from the first post - which is brilliant, admittedly - 'The All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide' is just about the best piece of advice ever dished out on this forum, and I give that advice out, everywhere on forum, ad nauseam.

 

I carry it as my signature, and refer to it constantly - the combination of that, and the first post, applied diligently, should mean faster healing and a better frame of mind for all those whose hearts have been broken.

 

People need to take the advice given, people need to stick with it, and people need to implement it 100% - 100% for the right reasons.

 

The countless amount of times people come back with NEWLY broken hearts because they decided to break NC - is testimony in and of itself, that once you hit NC, barring all the most obvious reasoning - you should never, ever break it.

[Phanpooh]

i just have a question, how about NC vs rebound?

As i know, NC protect you and help you heal, help you forget the past and ignore present, refocus to improve yourself, be stronger and better. Also it help you understand what happen and learn your lesson.

While rebound relationship help you know what different and you may get a chance with new life. At least you r happy and see more new "outside", which good and bad. It may blame about "love" but it is interested.

So then which one is better in anyway? And when you know u r ready for new relationship or it just a rebound?

[kindest]

We've been broken up for about 6 months, have went to NC to LC. It seems my ex feels that he has to regularly 'check up' on me. See how I am doing, bring up some random stuff about me, etc. All this was done online though and he has never made the effort to come see me or anything.

 

I went crazy each time he reached out to me. All sorts of things were going through my head. I tried many times to ignore him, there were some messages left unanswered but for the most part, I realized that I can't ignore him.

 

The last time we talked I asked him if he was feeling guilty. I don't know why I did but I also had the feeling that I won't get an honest answer from him.

 

So I told him we should stop talking for now. He said he'll respect my decision. We ended the conversation amicably, and although I still feel sad, I know it's for the best.

[Sarahbee]

Hi all

 

I've just been reading this thread and it's got some really interesting discussions. I agree that the power to heal and to be whole and happy with ourselves rests entirely with us, and we should never hand it over to anyone else. I also agree that we need to be in relationships with people because that's the human condition - they don't have to be love relationships, but ideally most of us want that.

 

Problems arise when people go into relationships before healing from past hurts. This happened to me, my ex was still hurting a lot from his ex, and it's understandable to just want the pain to go away, and finding someone else definitely alleviates the pain for some people. But they're just not ready and it's never going to work. I personally am not ready to date again because I can't imagine being with anyone else, and also I don't want to do to someone else what he did to me. I'm not angry at him because he's not that self aware that he knows what he's doing, but I am hurt because I can see now that he was never up for any kind of commitment beyond what he could handle, therefore he called the shots in the relationship most of the time. When I broke up with him I did it because I felt that I had no choice, as I felt that I just wasn't enough of a priority in his life, and that when we got close he would pull away - he's so scared of getting hurt again that he's closing himself off to all but what he can handle.

 

But I also believe that it's in relationships that we learn so much about ourselves and about love. I can see my own fears playing out in that relationship too, and fear is contagious - I picked up on his, acted out mine, and was consequently too scared of him rejecting me to tell him how I really felt and what I needed. I won't make that mistake again, I know that if you're not comfortable being vulnerable and communicating that with your partner then there's not much point going too far in. When I broke up with him I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong, but he didn't, even though he was really upset. I broke NC with him after 4 weeks, and we had lunch together. I think I needed that, although I went into a trough for a couple of days after it, but I can see now that I don't want someone who can't make me feel treasured and secure in the relationship. My previous bf would do anything to be with me, and even though that didn't work out for various reasons, I need someone more like that, otherwise I don't really see the point.

 

I think as long as we take the lessons that our relationships are teaching us, then nothing is wasted, and the pain is worth it if it makes us clearer about who we are and what we need. It also makes us empathetic and compassionate, and there's nothing bad about that. As I used to say to my ex, you have to believe in love!

[CopingGal]

Some of this advice is good, but I don't agree with number 7 to hook up. I think that is bad advice.

[SuperGeek]

I think hooking up (casual sex) is good in certain circumstances. Breakups are messy and I did my fair amount of hooking up after my ex walked out the door. She was hooking up herself so why should I deny myself ? Hooking up a few times actually helped me a lot with confidence as I had just got rejected bad and needed to feel wanted again. It really is a case by case basis and a lot of it boils down to how you feel about sex in the first place -- for some people it's just not inline with their beliefs, religion, etc. For other people it's not a big deal.

 

The important thing is to be upfront about your situation with the person you're hooking up with so they know what they're getting into. If both people consent to hooking up with the full knowledge of the situation, nothing wrong with it in my book.

 

Like CopingGal said though, it might not make you feel any better and could make you feel worse because casual sex with some random person won't be the same as it was with an ex.

 

For me it was something I had to do to solidify the fact that my ex had moved on. I had to force myself to move on as well.

 

SuperGeek

[cloudatlas]

We were supposed to help each other.

[cloudatlas]

Augh. Haha! Wrong thread. I wish there was a handy delete button.

Oi, what you get for being upset & sleepy on your phone.

[bpdr]

Look at the many LEVELS by which they have "Disrespected" by stepping out on their vows? and how about the PERSONAL degradation they themselves wrought by feeling the "Emotional" need to be wanted? Did they think about that...when they did it? Cheating, is cheating.

 

It has been said; "The cheater's experience - is diminished by the fact that they are indeed cheating" and to what end? To serve a selfish need? An empty feeling, emotional need that MUST be met!? I wonder...I really do.

 

For if you feel you MUST partake in such a self-fulfilling and destructive need, to rebound because you have NOT the courage of your conviction - what exactly is it - do you really offer anyone? NOTHING. Booty call? Forget, feeling "Superior" or "Unwanted" -- Unloved or NOT appreciated! What these devils do - is DESTROY relationships for their own sense of insecurity.

 

By NOT bowing out responsibly/If you're tired of your woman -TELL HER THAT. If you're man ain't cuttin' it - TELL HIM, then leave. Many people here have been devastated by the insincere considerations of cheating. NC is the ONLY WAY to achieve some semblance of order with such a despicable and heartless human being. Seriously - cheaters should be paraded in the town square - and humiliated for their devious activities. To that end -- you actually MIGHT see people reconsider it.

 

Life is too short to waste on one individuals indiscretions. It's just too damned bad - that others put up with cheating behavior. What are ya gonna do? Pick up an anger management case - or worse yet decimate the rival in the midst of fighting for a complete POS? I ask you?

 

There's always some DOG waiting to hump these complete PILES of dog dung. When, to begin with -- there was actually a component of Love present, and the cheater for whatever reason could not man up to it. The cycle continues - and hearts are being destroyed in the process. Sad but true I say w/No respect, No value systems whatsoever. Complete utter chaos - is all they wreak havoc unto others. Fact.

 

NC is the ONLY way to go with a cheater. Forget them for they no longer exist. They have dishonored themselves, and the core principles derived from a once loving monogamous relationship. They deserve to be treated like the POS they are. No matter what the excuse or reasons are. No exceptions.

[Lone]

What if you cant avoid ALL contact? Me and my ex are in the same social circles. I will see her eventually. and by avoiding situations where she will be there i fear may make me look weak as everyone will be there but me?

 

I do want to be friends. but right now it is awkward. we have barely spoken and their is a bit of tension. The last time we spoke i asked her to just get her stuff and left her with impression i dont really want to speak to her.

 

should i reach out and say that i accept her decision to break up and agree its for the best for both of us and hope we can remain friends?

[Confused420]

3 weeks broken up, 4 days NC after talking to each other and both getting an understanding of each other's needs.

 

I want to stop feeling like this because I know a relationship isn't right, for either of us if I'm being honest. Don't get me wrong, I'd take her back right now if the opportunity arose but deep down I know a friendship would be better for both of us, at least until I'm done with uni and could move out to America.

 

The thing is, I don't want to pretend I'm okay with just being friends when I'm not. The most frustrating thing now is knowing in my head that I need to move on, and even wanting to move on, but still loving her in my heart.

 

I want to be friends with her but I know that if I want any sort of relationship with her in the future, friendship or otherwise, I need to stop loving her.

[sadpanda87]

thanks. that was quite inspirational.

 

your ex can be a friend. but that is way, way down the track when you have zero feelings for them. but since youve been together before they understand you

 

only if it was a reasonable break up

[jezzy]

almost 4 weeks break up, 6days after contact. We've been together for almost 2years and I just hate the fact that he posted a photo with a girl. He doesnt want to be with me anymore.. cause he wants to be focus more on his work and singlehood. But its kinda hard for me to accept the fact that he's been dating now or maybe, he;s been cheating all throughout the relationship... I dont know.

 

I trusted him so much. And now, I've seen a lot. He's not the person I loved before. He's different now. How come he can handle this kind of break up better than me?

 

NC rule should take forever. HUHU. I'm bitter. I just wanna move on and forget him. I deserve better. I should love myself first.

[sadpanda87]

as many said before its easier on the one that initiated the break up since they are better prepared for it

 

although your ex may just be looking for what warmth he can get as a way to deal with the break up.

 

as for random hookup, it does take your mind off things but its not a long term solution