No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[jphcbpa]

thank you. as a follow up.

 

I texted her last Friday (all business with no hooks). She replied back that that day and time would work for her and asked "how are you". I replied back "doing well. glad that day works for you. I will book it"

 

The move happens this Saturday. I asked the moving company to call and confirm with her. They were going to do that today.

 

 

The moves came last week to bring me the stuff from storage. They picked the items up from her place on Jan 11th and I had it in storage for a few weeks while my place was getting fixed up and ready be moved into. There were a couple of items not on the truck. 1) leaner mirror 2) bench seat that goes at the edge of the bed. They were in her bedroom. All the other items (boxes mostly) were in the garage/attic garage. Perhaps she forgot them or just assumed there were part of her house now. ?

 

I am thinking of sending an email to her asking the status of those 2 items. Thoughts and suggestions?

 

Email or text?

 

My thought on the note...

 

Hello,

 

The movers delivered the items from storage last week. I noticed a couple of items that were not on the truck; leaner mirror and bench seat.

 

Could you tell me the status of those?

 

Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

How really, really, REALLY important to you are they?

Put it this way, if you had a house fire, would they be a priority to salvage?

 

Because if you can live without them/replace them fairly easily....

 

Is it so very vital that you get them back?

[Tripz]

I've not really been able to fully implement NC, because we have a 14 year old that stays with me every other week. The other problem was that she dragged her feet on signing her side of the Dissolution papers for 3 weeks. However, picking my son up last night, I asked if she had finally signed them and she has. Now, I get to fully implement NC except when it pertains to my son. It's going to actually be a little fun, since she thinks I'm going to still come over to her apt to help with some things like properly hanging items on the wall, etc. She mentioned last night needing a drill and wondered if I could do that. Ha, nope...Why don't you ask your boyfriend to do that? Oh, that's right, he owns NOTHING because he's been off and on drunk for the past two years and no longer owns anything of value, especially tools.

 

Now she gets to watch ME not respond to texts. So happy I'm finally at this place in the recovery stage.

[jphcbpa]

How really, really, REALLY important to you are they?

Put it this way, if you had a house fire, would they be a priority to salvage?

 

Because if you can live without them/replace them fairly easily....

 

Is it so very vital that you get them back?

 

They are not the most important things, but I would like to have them in my new home. They would look good.

 

Replacing them would be $800 or so. But no, they are not my great grandmothers antiques

[TaraMaiden]

If you feel it necessary to have them, keep the contact very impersonal; almost as if you're checking with the removal company (!)

 

I noticed that <this> and <that> were not on the removal van, and I wonder if you could advise me why? If I need to arrange a subequent collection, please let me know. " jphcbpa "

[a708]

Great thread. Definitely helped.

 

I wanted to post something about those relationships that seemed to be the best. And really follow on from many of the early posts in this thread. This is not about cheaters or lying; that's completely different in my view.

 

I always think another good thing to do when a seemingly good relationship finishes is to look at it from the dumpers point of view. For whatever reason, Stress, distance, falling out of love etc, you have to take into account their side.

 

THEY ARE NOT SAYING THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU! Think about it, when you have split up with someone, you haven't been horrible and rubbed it in their face, because you care about them. Even though you know this is going to happen, you cannot suddenly hate this person over night. The dumper is likely to be in the same shock as you are when the breakup happens. Going from talking everyday to not is a big deal.

 

My relationship finished about a month ago now. With an ace girl. She was everything to me. However, she was adult with me and said she couldnt handle the distance between us (4 hours by car; in the UK). I was distraught. Sinking into the feeling we ALL have been through. I was totally broken.

 

But looking back a month on, I think I came out of it respectfully. I know the girl didn't want to intentionally hurt me. You cannot take it personally. Its not a personal attack. We gave it a good go.. and it didn't work out. We still have good memories. We still have respect for each other.

 

If you trade places, if you felt that way (any of the reasons above) then it would only be fair for you to say something. To explain the situation you're in. Yes, the dumpee will be in the same position many people are in now.. hating everything. But would you rather know now.. or another year down the line?

Its totally about perspective.

 

The best thing to do in any break up is to come out of it with your dignity intact. Yes you might be crying/upset about everything for the first X many weeks/months. But there is a line where you have to pick yourself up and drive forward. The dumper isn't going to be angry because you are upset for the first X many weeks/months. Its totally natural. But if it goes on and you are the one dragging your heels they are going to lose all respect for you.

 

And if you conduct yourself in the right way. If you are respectful, if there is no hate, if there is understanding, then you will look so much better. The feeling the dumper will be left with is "god they were actually great throughout, even when we broke up". This is only going to be good for you. In the future, who knows, they might realise. You might meet again and pick up where you left off.

 

I cannot say enough that it makes yourself feel great coming out of it knowing you've left things in the best way they can be. This is already a bad situation, not just for you but also for the dumper. Do you really want to make things worse? This is not to say you should be a walk over.

 

In time everything will be fine. If you over think every conversation/word thats spoken to the ex, then you will probably have a heart attack. For whatever reason, whatever has happened has happened. You just have to look into how you can move on and how you can improve yourself. Rule number 1 is look out for number 1.

 

You got this girl/boy by being you in the first place. You were the confident person who went out and managed to pick this person up. You have maintained the relationship for however long and made it work. You have a lot to be proud of.

 

I wanted to post this because i have had lots of help through reading on here. Its been a massive help. So if someone reads this and feels just a little bit better. Then cool.

 

Thanks,

A

[jphcbpa]

For whatever reason, whatever has happened has happened. You just have to look into how you can move on and how you can improve yourself. Rule number 1 is look out for number 1

- A708

 

solid and very true. your serenity has to be # 1. self protection, self preservation. it is not personal.

[Popsicle]

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin

 

What a wonderful post. I wonder how this poster is doing now.

[lovebirds]

Guys, things do get better! I'm so happy!

 

And I guess I'm not a good example for NC, but I'm on speaking terms with my ex and see him every once in a while because we share a big part of our social life. I don't think we'll ever be 'friends' but he's still a special someone from the past for me and I enjoy talking to him every once in a while. I am over him.

 

My life is: a great job, a great new house and housemate, enjoying the sunshine, training towards a better time at the 10km, cooking (I make the best margarita icecream), dancing, maaaaybe sorta flirting with a friend of mine that I'm starting to like a lot, going to concerts, seeing my friends, ...

 

Best proof maybe is that I can't bear reading the break-up threads on LS anymore (I used to come and read here each day, in search of help, reading other people's similar stories...). I prefer the personal improvement and dating section now

 

Thing is: I was a happy person when I was in a relationship, but my happiness already came from inside me, I did not go looking for it in him, it was an independent thing. I think this is what helped me move on rather quickly.

 

Sending everyone here lots of strength, courage and love!

[Jam3s]

Great post, this thread has helped me a lot to feel more comfortable with my situation. Initially I felt I could let it go a few months then get in contact again and chat as friends like we did before the relationship began but I have realised it's not wise. What is done is done, I need to move on with my own life, a life she is no longer a part of nor deserves to be, because it was her decision to leave it. To bigger and better things!

[elseaacych]

Hi all, first off, fantastic thread. Most helpful. I am having a bad No Contact day today. After my ex of 3.25 years broke up with me 5 months ago, we both went strict No Contact. It felt very natural the first month or so, until his relationship status changed, and I finally felt the brunt of the break up. I stayed NC though, I ended up talking to him about a a month and a half ago through a few brief texts in a moment of weakness.

 

Other than that, it's been radio silence from him. Is this normal? I don't even get a breadcrumb? I know I should be feeling relieved because he hasn't contacted me at all. But suddenly, I am feeling so crappy about everything!!!

 

Anyone know what's up with this? I need some help.

[TaraMaiden]

Everything is working out perfectly, precisely as it is.

 

Don't fight it, don't sweat it, just stay with it.

 

It will pass.

[L1ght]

Decisive action. I never read the rules that are provided in these No Contact advice threads(though don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people find them really helpful) because for me its one of those things where you really only have two options......No Contact or Breaking No Contact. A person who is weak will break no contact but a person who is in a place where they have finally found strength will maintain No Contact like a Boss!

Its all about making an absolute choice and not breaking it. For me once I made the choice it was easy.....took me some time to get there but non the less when I was strong enough I made the right choice.

[AnyaNova]

Decisive action. I never read the rules that are provided in these No Contact advice threads(though don't get me wrong, I'm sure many people find them really helpful) because for me its one of those things where you really only have two options......No Contact or Breaking No Contact. A person who is weak will break no contact but a person who is in a place where they have finally found strength will maintain No Contact like a Boss!

Its all about making an absolute choice and not breaking it. For me once I made the choice it was easy.....took me some time to get there but non the less when I was strong enough I made the right choice.

 

It is odd.

 

I am making the strong choice with the blocking him on facebook. Since I'm guessing he didn't keep my contact info as he promised (though I could be wrong) once I move apartments in a few weeks, there will be no way to get ahold of each other.

 

It will be permanent.

 

But I feel anything but strong right now, especially where that is concerned.

 

If anything, it just seems like a perfect example of how ****ed up the world is that two people who get along so well can't even talk to each other again.

[L1ght]

It is odd.

 

I am making the strong choice with the blocking him on facebook. Since I'm guessing he didn't keep my contact info as he promised (though I could be wrong) once I move apartments in a few weeks, there will be no way to get ahold of each other.

 

It will be permanent.

 

But I feel anything but strong right now, especially where that is concerned.

 

If anything, it just seems like a perfect example of how ****ed up the world is that two people who get along so well can't even talk to each other again.

Its pretty much the same as kicking a drug addiction. To reach the point of feeling strong you have to endure the torture that comes along with a cold turkey. No initiating contact, no checking social media profiles, no looking at pics, no reading old texts or emails, no nothing.

Initially it should be like hell and your brain will continuously try to convince you that its ok to give in but you just have to stick with it like a boss.You are on a mission now and the person you need to prove most that you are strong enough to is yourself.

After maintaining absolute no contact for a significant enough time the potential to become very strong mentally is gigantic. Take it from me....ignore the annoying voice that tries to trick you into giving up and over time the rewards will become exponentially greater.

[BC1980]

It is odd.

 

I am making the strong choice with the blocking him on facebook. Since I'm guessing he didn't keep my contact info as he promised (though I could be wrong) once I move apartments in a few weeks, there will be no way to get ahold of each other.

 

It will be permanent.

 

But I feel anything but strong right now, especially where that is concerned.

 

If anything, it just seems like a perfect example of how ****ed up the world is that two people who get along so well can't even talk to each other again.

 

It's been permanent. Moving the apartment won't change anything that you don't already know. It's time for you to move forward.

[L1ght]

no contact works.

Edited May 19, 2014 by L1ght

[Michael 93]

Awesome. Just awesome

[Phanpooh]

I did NC for more than 3 years, no stalking, no SMS, no call... I even didn't watch any pictures or come to anyplace where remain me of last relationship...

But I still miss her everyday... Sometime there is vivid day dream about a surprise meeting... Ain't there something better than NC? I really want to move on but I can't see other while my mind is still pursuing me...

Or I just made any mistakes about NC?

[JahnJahn]

So if she contacts me first I should still not contact her back?

[R3d]

How does this only have a 3-star rating?

[jumpskirt]

This post is nine years old and I am JUST seeing it! It's perfect for me, right now. My brain is telling me my ex is the air I breathe, yet for four years all I thought of was that I wanted to get away (I was cheating on her, and I knew it would have to come out, eventually). Am I heartbroken because I "did it to myself?" Yes. It can't stop my life, though.

Thanks!!

[love1336x]

I broke NC today... only because I had to say sorry for Lee's actions.

She had to no right to go up to you, & yelled at you.

 

I am my own woman.

Plus, I didn't want you to think I made her go after you because I am a coward. No, I'm not. If i wanting to say something to you... Believe me I would. I am not afraid to speak my mind.

[love1336x]

missing you so much right now.

i hate days when I do nothing, well all i wanna do is forget you.

[scobro]

I broke no contact and it was the stupidest thing I could have done.I found out she slept with some guy and is now seeing someone new.The pain is killing me all over again I went 3 months then she called made the mistake of talking to her again.Glad I didnt see her...geeez no contact can't be broken