No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[RiffRaff]

I know i am not out of the woods by any stretch, but I just spent an hour reading this post and I already feel better. My wife just left me after 4 1/2yrs. We met overseas and I brought her to the US. Six months after she got here I left to go back overseas to work and pay off bills of getting her here as well as $$$ for our future. We saw each other every other month for a couple of weeks and things were working great that way. After 3 1/2 years apart and paying for her in the US all that time I finally was secure enough to take a job back home. 6 months after i finally rejoined my wife, she left me and said she wants to be free. I cant believe that bitch. I have been texting once a day, since break up and a call here and there, it's easy to tell she wants NC becuase she probably feels guilty. We did love each other a lot she just freaked when the marrige became real. I think she will fall on her face b/c she has never worked in her life and she is now 31.

I know she is making a mistake and have been wanting to tell her that and ask why she only thinks about the bad times. I want to keep asking how you could do this when last week you were telling me how much you love me.

 

After reading NF's post, I now realize I still have my house, car, job, health and make over 100k a year. F Her for being so stupid and I deserve better than to be dumped so easy after I worked so hard for each of us. F her F her F her.

[user6667]

F Her for being so stupid and I deserve better than to be dumped so easy after I worked so hard for each of us.

 

thats right exactly! that anger will burn some of the hurt too.

it's over, f her, nc, keep it up.

[user6667]

should i reach out and say that i accept her decision to break up and agree its for the best for both of us and hope we can remain friends?

 

Lone, if you feel you must. But NC is better imho. If it's over, there is no need to confirm that once more.

 

My gf still needs to pick up stuff. And yes we shared a long time of love. But for now, things are broken up. It's over. You don't need to SAY you will remain friends, because if all is well, you can be friends in some months/years. I'm gonna do myself a favour and keep contact to an absolute minimum. Because that is better for me, right now.

[SuperGeek]

I have been NC from my ex for 2 years and 6 months. In all that time I have healed quite a bit, lost 60 lbs, gone back to school, started a business, got a new job, moved to a new city, and moved on. Still haven't really got involved with any new relationships yet, but I'm not ready either. I'm still getting over the bitter phase and I'm VERY careful who I will let into my life now. My ex really turned my world upside down and cost me a lot of money and emotional trauma getting over it.

 

Lots of people still tell me that they love being friends with their exes. I understand it if you got kids and stuff, but if you don't have kids there is no point at all. My ex wanted to be friends and i think it's because she wanted me to suffer even more. What other reason would there be to remain friends after such a horrible divorce? Women these days can get a new guy in less time than it takes to fill a glass of water from the faucet. It may not be the right guy for them, but it will be a body to replace whoever it is that they just dumped to the curb. I watched my ex do this very thing by picking some random willing bloke on a dating site and proceeding into a rebound relationship almost immediately after leaving me (even before getting divorced from me!). No foolin's original post was completely correct. You must go NC if you are able to do so. By going NC, I avoided LOTS of additional pain by not watching what she was doing with other men. I protected myself and it paid off with healing and getting my mind to just let it go. No doubt about it, the first year was tough, especially when she tried to come back after her rebound dumped her a$$ to the curb and thinking I was a nice backup plan (No bloody way was I going back after a year of pain like that).

 

I would not be on this planet right now if I hadn't of gone NC or read this original post 2 1/2 years ago. I'd have jumped off a bridge or something due to the pain of watching my ex be with someone else *at the time*. Now I'm indifferent (since time has passed and I'm healed) and could care less what she is doing. Hell I don't even know where she is or what she is doing and i don't care either.

 

My only challenge now is trusting someone new. I'm gun shy and very very afraid of getting hurt again. So after 2 years 6 months of a date here and there I'm still single and in my mid-30s. Everyone around me is married but I'm still single and it feels weird, but I'm okay with it. I desire more, but relationships can't just be made out of thin air, they happen when they are supposed to.

 

Anyways, just thought I'd share my experience. If they leave, let them go, and don't look back. They aren't worth your time if they walk out on you. It's just that simple.

 

SuperGeek

Edited January 7, 2013 by SuperGeek

[JackO4]

She dumped me but calls every month or two. I NEVER break NC. When she calls its not just "Hey how you doing." Its her talking about how much she misses me, loves me, asks if maybe we should get together. WTF?? It typically ends with me being very cool until I give in and ask her to get back together. At that point she totally withdraws and then I flip out.

[Forwardonly]

Hi, I was dumped just after Christmas. I had been seeing my ex for just under a year. Out the blue he tells me he has feelings for his ex. He says its not fair on me if he see's me while he has these thoughts. Its difficult to understand because his ex had loads of issues - i had only heard negative things. We had a few conversations and then 2 weeks ago he collected his stuff and we ended up in bed for 'one last time'. It was at my suggestion - I was trying to be all cool and understanding about his decision. I did NC for 2 whole weeks but then last week I emailed coz it was his birthday. I haven't heard a thing back from him and I'm so annoyed with myself. Now I feel worse than I did when I was first dumped. I can't stop thinking about him and analysing everything. No Feelin is right and I have to face the fact that he just does not want a relationship with me but its hard. He always seemed more into me than me into him. It was my first relationship for 5 years (I'm 41) - I'd been in a messy divorce, busy with my child and work and wasn't ready to trust again. I feel as if I was conned into trusting him. I got my instinct wrong with my husband (he was a cheater) and now I feel I got my instinct wrong again. He says I didn't but well, it doesn't make sense. I'm going to try my hardest at NC and read No Feelin's post every day until he is a distant memory. Then I may be ready to trust again. Thanks for all the support on LS.

[Thaurin]

Chalk one more up for the universal rule of No Contact. I thought I'd open the door and let her speak, since I heard her new victim had hit her and let me know through a mutual friend that she wanted to talk. I thought I could manage it, felt pretty indifferent about it and made it clear that we wouldn't get together again. All it got me was bad things, she got back to her abuser and even let him answer her e-mail, trash talking me and trying to just insult me with personal stuff I had told her in the past.

 

Now, I'm still pretty indifferent and mostly immune to shame (especially coming from some lowlife I don't even know), but it still was a useless endeavour. So let that be a reminder to you: even if it feels right, it is still probably wrong to break no contact.

[Exitleft]

First post: I broke NC this evening after only 2 days. I wanted some answers, all I know is what I knew before. I feel stupid but tomorrow is another day. Stay strong all.

[hidden_ua]

local time: 8:26pm

last message i sent to her (local time): 7:33pm

"no contact" started to forget her

[hidden_ua]

update:

she asked me how i am? (as i had flu and temperature yesterday) so i said i am fine and then she said ok gud take care of yourself i said ok.

 

i guess the conversation should be ended now but don't know.

[Lillygoose]

Fourth day NC, it kills not lying. This kills.

 

and we have been apart 3 months x

[fred sanford]

No contact for a week and she's been gone for 2 mths.....anyway we are still married but I'm def losing my love for her....

[marklarsson]

Bumping into your ex's friends does this interference with no contact, knowing that they are going to go back and tell the ex?

 

Or does it not matter?

[pandora_be]

Great stuff.

 

This stuff is perfectly when there is no more hope or she is keeping you on the hook or is playing games (has immediately a fling, making you jealous...).

 

If she ignores you, well then you are forced into this.

 

HOWEVER

 

If her signals are mixed, is not playing games, does not ignore you and is genuinely caring and putting more and more effort in you after a break-up talk or whatever. You might give it another chance.

 

But just once.

 

Then it is over and you switch to this stuff, you will need it because you will be hurt much more the second time. But it is up to you to decide if it is worth the risk.

[daynight]

We been apart for 2months & 10days give and take but I can't seem to get over it just yet..

You might have seen my pics of partying and going out as I saw of yours ....just feels so bad we couldn't work it out what could have been a great relationship.. sometimes I hate you then I still love you but what's the point when you font even feel the same way...

Its all good , I have realized & understood few important things in past month and in a way I thank you for making me realizing not everyone is a good person as they seem/act from outside..

[Lonely Guy 09]

I havent got the heart to tell her I am breaking contact with her,althought it has been 10 days of NC already,but she has contacted me in fb..I dont know whether to reply or not.How can I tell her I want to break contact with her?After all,she isnt my gf or my ex.She is a girl I love a lot,but has a bf,and being friends with her is killing me.

 

So how shall I break it to her?After all,she has been a good friend to me,I owe that to her.

[Riiighteous]

Part of me is infuriated, because I know very well that you are spiteful and you do things on purpose to be cruel.

 

I hate you, I don't forgive you, and all YOU want is a reaction out of me. You want me to give in, and just flip out on you the next time you contact me (even though i've already had NC for months).

 

I thought about it tonight. I thought about giving in and finally just screaming at you. But just now it hit me... I already said every possible thing I could ever say to you, and you were horrible and threw it in my face. You were never open to anything I had to say, and I learned, after years, there was no point.

 

You want that last say. You want that moment where I break down and tell you off, and tell you to never try to contact me again. I can assure you, DEAL WITH IT. Deal with the silence. Deal with the fact that you never listened to anything I had to say, when you are stuck in the decisions you are making for yourself.

 

I'm not giving in. I am apparently stronger than that. It just takes a moment of stillness, and deep thought...for me to gain composure. You want a reaction. Everything you do is for a reaction. It's not happening. It's never happening again.

 

It's funny. It's actually really funny. You do all of this stuff...STILL...to get a reaction. Yet you go ahead and try to contact me. You are so pathetic. The fact that you are crying out for attention makes you such a loser. If you truly were 100% happy you wouldn't be still doing all of this immature stuff, and you would never speak to me again. So go ahead, CHOOSE your trash girlfriend and trashy life 100%. That means don't ever speak to me again. That means quit trying to text me. That means fully accept that you will never see or speak to me again.

 

The difference now is that I don't care at all about you. I write on here because it is absolutely insane what a child you are, and it's like high school seeing you guys trying to get a reaction out of me. GET A LIFE.

 

I mean it this time. Never try to speak to me again. Delete my number, forget my email. Forget it all. Oh, and I will never tell you that because you don't deserve to ever hear from me again. So take a hint.

[Holly Graham]

I am a nasty cocktail of emotions: 10 % acrid anger, 30% salty sorrow, and 60% concentrated confusion. You make absolutely no sense to me. Ten minutes ago, you had sexuality “issues,” five minutes ago it was the age difference, 30 seconds ago it was that you needed a break so you could figure things out and learn to love yourself, and 24 seconds ago it was up to me to decide when to end this break (that you called for, not me) if I feel like I can handle you in my life. Make up your mind! I want so much to be angry because it would protect me from all this hurt, but calling you names won’t solve anything.

 

Little girl, you need to make up your mind. How can you not know what you want after two years? “It’s not you; it’s me.” Though it’s the biggest cliché in the book, it’s the truth. I in no way feel that this is about me because, let’s face it, I was the one taking action and you were the one jawing about being understanding when you never understood anything. Your voice was the loudest, complaining about things I did and didn’t do (and rightly so), yet it turns out YOU were the one holding back this whole time while I was actively changing so I could make things better. Give me a break.

 

I am not a victim; I am a fool. I may not deserve diamonds but I sure as hell deserve someone who knows they want to be with me. I was willing to change my life for you. I never wanted to be the sole money maker but I was willing to do it for you. I wanted to leave the country permanently because I saw no future here but I was willing to stay for you. It's not that I gave up on my dreams; my dreams changed. I thought we could have a life together. How could you talk to me about marriage and then do this practically the next day?? What is the matter with you?

 

I was a fool to hope that you would be with me. Your mother is practically dying, your father is the only one supporting the household and you haven't even searched for a job. You just want to sleep in 'til noon and then sit on your ass in front of the computer all day. Your family is about to lose their house, bills aren't being paid, your mother has huge medical expenses and you're not even looking for a job. I never judged you on that, but if you're not willing to do that for your own blood, you will never do what it takes to be with me. You can only "think" about things for so long; you will have to take action eventually. I know it's not about me because you won't do what it takes for your own parents, the people who created you.

 

Were you just stringing me along the entire time? Probably. We have practically nothing in common, there is a slight age difference, our goals in life are different. I was so in love with you that I put all of this aside and tried to make it work. You can't break up with me, maintain a friendship, and tell me that it's like we're together but aren't labeling it. You can't play with my heart like that. I hate this break we're taking. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I haven't been going to school; I break down all the time and that's uncharacteristic of me. This is the first time in my life I've experienced true love and I still love you. It's just not enough. I'm not a naive child and I know that it's not enough for the both of us. Despite my feelings, I can't be the only one willing to make drastic life changes and I won't do it. Maybe this break is what I need to finally see the truth. There's only so much I can do and I refuse to lose myself for anybody, no matter how much love I have.

 

It absolutely kills me to find out now about things you did in the past. I have not been trying to go back to the past; the trust has been rebuilt. But now I wonder, just how many guys were you "chatting" with and were the conversations lewd like with your Facebook "friend?" Why were you only chatting with males? Do you expect me to believe that it wasn't sexual? Video chatting, phone calls with male internet strangers, do you expect me to believe it wasn't sexual like it was with your Facebook amour? Do you understand how hard it was to learn to trust you again? It was never that you had male "friends." What bothered me was that your conversations were sexual, and I told you that it hurt me and you continued to do it after you knew it hurt me. Yet I learned to trust you again. And now I learn about you having various social profiles around the web and I wonder just how many male "friends" you've had that I didn't know about. I really wanna just say f**k you but I won't. You just kill me, you really do.

 

I feel so empty without you. My life has turned into a cheesy '80's teenage romance movie, but I won't stand outside of your window with a boom box. If you want to be with me, as you claim, you need to fight for me. I think I've shown you that I'm fighting for you. It's your turn. But go ahead and take that break, honey. Show me your true colors. The longer the break, the more I will see I can stand on my own two feet.

[js1967]

If NO FOOLIN is still on here...hey! thank you for all this collective thought.

 

Spot on and helped me make the big turn!

 

I cant do much more then thank you, however, I will pass these words on down the road to those that may need it off the site.

 

Thank you!

[lop98]

Redundant maybe but does NC also include filtering emails for you?. I have him blocked everywhere, I initially filtered his emails, and I know he sent something possibly long but I didn't get to read it (it was automatically deleted).. I felt bad and now I allow his emails (I received some 'hello' that I ignored) and I do it because I care for him, and maybe because I want him to give up on his s*it and say something, but truth is, I wake up every morning and open immediately my inbox hoping something's there and there's nothing.. and it makes me feel so sad even though I *knew* there'd be nothing. I suppose I already know the answer but I still want to know if someone has them COMPLETELY blocked..

[AwptiK]

Woops thought I was in the NC posting messages to your ex thread.

Edited March 25, 2013 by AwptiK
above

[lop98]

I broke NC in every way. If anyone's wondering whether it's a good idea or not or find it tempting, hold on to something, set your phone or computer on fire and do not do it!. The landing is worse than the first time. I cried the entire night, during and in between naps, my day has been a nightmare. At least I can swallow food and don't feel like throwing up like the first time (the first time there was shock mixed in- this is pain at its finest). Tomorrow also feels like it's going to be better, which is the optimism I didn't have weeks ago, when he'd reject me and I didn't look forward to anything and feeling better didn't seem anywhere in the horizon.

 

Jesus I just want to move on and forget him. He's just some man. I'm baffled by how I've lost control of my emotions.

 

I can't believe I'm back to Day 1 of NC. Oh my god..

[Smiley88]

Tips on NC when working together? i see her like once a day with the occasional hello, but thats it..im afraid i wont heal that fast because of this..

 

I really love her/1st love of my life..amazing women with so much to offer,left me for another man because i wasnt ready to commit 100% and be responsible and mature..being my 1st relationship i did not know how to act..i made mistakes and did not know what i wanted:(help

[lonewalker]

Tips on NC when working together? i see her like once a day with the occasional hello, but thats it..im afraid i wont heal that fast because of this..

 

I really love her/1st love of my life..amazing women with so much to offer,left me for another man because i wasnt ready to commit 100% and be responsible and mature..being my 1st relationship i did not know how to act..i made mistakes and did not know what i wanted:(help

 

Well everyone makes mistakes.

 

Tell her about how u feel.

 

Also if she is still in love with u then she will choose u again. Else wish her happiness becoz she got a commited guy now.

 

 

There isnt always second chances. And thats life. But tell her how u feel else u will regret for life... even if she rejects u, its a closure.

[grayfox]

I wish it was this easy for me. Doing no contact would mean I wouldnt see my daughter.. if anything shes been the one that has kept me going. But the contact we do have is limited to finding out when I picking up my daughter n dropping her off and this has only really started to kick in. Im become more selected on what I say/tell her as she asks questions about what im doing/who im seeing.