No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[SimonSerenade]

I wish it was this easy for me. Doing no contact would mean I wouldnt see my daughter.. if anything shes been the one that has kept me going. But the contact we do have is limited to finding out when I picking up my daughter n dropping her off and this has only really started to kick in. Im become more selected on what I say/tell her as she asks questions about what im doing/who im seeing.

 

I was in your situation once, I know it's hard, having a child with someone forms a bond that in your heart and mind feels like it can never be broken and you want desperately to put it back together for your child's sake, I always hated the picking my son up and dropping him off thing, hurt like hell to see her, even when I was away from her, my son looks the absolute image of her, the way I got around it was I accepted it was over and there was truly nothing I could do about it, for a few months I had family do the picking up and dropping off for me, I kept my distance and only talked to her if I regarded my son, I hope you sort something out for yourself, you need to cut her out of your mind and your life, even if its just for a little while to come to terms with things, as long as you see her on a regular basis that fondness you have for her won't go away.

[Moemone]

Oh wow!!

 

I really needed to read this!!

[Moemone]

Currently going through a breakup where I was the one who decided to end it because there are other women in the picture.

 

I sent him a message and there was never a Reply and right now I am thinking of breaking no contact. I've read this over and over

[Hopeinme]

I really really want to talk to you but I know you will probably never reply and I am afraid of being hurt again. I wont contact you.

[Serendiptiy_2]

I'm currently NC with my lover. I reconciled with my H. I think about him daily and want to just send a friendly text. He doesn't even know I've reconciled (he also work with my H so I'm sure H has screamed it from the mountain-top!)

 

I wanted to tell him. I felt it was respectful. but I think he knows, and the anticipating, waiting for "his" text tone will drive me nuts. He also hasn't contacted me, so I'm sure he knows.

 

I decided to reconcile with my H for my kids. While I do love him, I know that he will NEVER give me the love and passion I need. But, I will go on...

 

Maybe my lover and I will meet in another life.

 

That's what stops my tears:(

[TaraMaiden]

I'm currently NC with my lover. I reconciled with my H. I think about him daily and want to just send a friendly text. He doesn't even know I've reconciled (he also work with my H so I'm sure H has screamed it from the mountain-top!)

 

I wanted to tell him. I felt it was respectful. but I think he knows, and the anticipating, waiting for "his" text tone will drive me nuts. He also hasn't contacted me, so I'm sure he knows.

 

I decided to reconcile with my H for my kids. While I do love him, I know that he will NEVER give me the love and passion I need. But, I will go on...

 

Maybe my lover and I will meet in another life.

 

That's what stops my tears:(

 

In bold?

Worst idea and reason, ever.

[Serendiptiy_2]

In bold?

Worst idea and reason, ever.

 

And I will live with that decision.

 

Best.

[TaraMaiden]

It's a shame - for you and your own happiness - that you are willing to sacrifice possible contentment and happiness for something nobody will ever thank you for.

 

Motherhood is a given, wherever you are. Your children are always your children, and will be loved by you unconditionally, whatever you decide.

 

As the saying goes, better two parents apart and happy, than two together and miserable.

 

If this is what you believe is best, then I leave you to it. But it saddens

me to see you stick to something broken and unhappy, when you could be so much more content.

 

Start a thread if you want - you will gain much support and understanding.

One comment in a 'rant' thread will get you nowhere.

 

 

I wish you well.

[ChasingCars]

After 3 weeks of processing and moving forward, I felt like I was moving along with the initial stages. Had gotten beyond the crying and stopped "looking" for him to pop up.

I read what everyone said about NC being the way to go but I didn't do it.

 

Now, 3 short and basically empty notes from him have set me back to "looking."

 

Lesson learned.

I mailed him this morning with NC email.

[Dangraystyle]

One thing I realised from the OP is, is that you should think back to how your ex treated their ex's. She never spoke fondly of them and even told me she hated men in general.

 

Even though she always said I was different and far better than the others, she now treats me like I'm nothing.

[Exitleft]

So.. I contacted her sister and asked if she missed me. No word yet but I did this in a weak moment and regret it. I can't take it back, so any ideas for what I should do before or after I receive a response? I may not and I won't mind in that case. I'm not sure how I feel about her knowing I miss her. On one hand I don't think it's so bad, on the other I don't need anymore hurt than I already have. so stupid sometimes..

[Gingerlee]

“I want to thank you for never being there anymore. Your absence has forced me to find my own way.”

[thishatteredsymphony]

First time poster here, screwed up my username, it should be thisshatteredsymphony. Anyway...

 

This rule is my savior. I'm now 2 weeks into NC after coming off a long term relationship with someone I cared for and loved very much. It's been hard, but at the same time so much better for my mental health.

 

To all of you wondering how you will cope, this is the answer. Stay strong.

[hayewils]

it is very hard to hold to this "NC" thing.

But as exitleft said, you just wind up regretting if you try to contact them, especially when they are holding to NC a hell of a lot better. Just makes you look like a fool.

I know from first hand experience. I tried to do NC soon after I joined this sight, was going to not say anything or try not to contact her. But I failed many many times, and in the end, I felt like a fool.

Said things I should not have but I just wanted to let her know I loved her, I missed her and that I was in a very bad place.

Did she call me to check on me, did she care, was she curious..

NOPE!

So all I did is make a mockery of myself, she porbably just sat over there in her apartment and laughed me off.. IT is very important people to go NC and be strong and stick with it!

AT ALL COSTS! NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!

Its for your own sanity..

[tcd421]

What to do if your ex like mine lives about 50 yards from me? Neighbors in an apartment complex. I have not been in her place in 5 months and its been 3 months since i talked to her.... her kids have come up to talk to me.... moving is financially out of the question for either of us any suggestions other then the she is dead to me state of mind?

[onearthur]

Fast Forward 7 months, hows life for you now?

 

 

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin

[fujidabruin]

8 years now and still going strong. Legendary thread dude. Pat yourself on the back. Would love to get another commentary from you.

 

Day 11 of my full NC. This place, these people, their stories, and this thread have given me the strength to endure and move froward. One step at a time..... one day at a time. I long for peace. I long for the day where my love and heart are free. They are trapped for now, but I have hope.....

[fireb3nder]

These posts made me feel better. And stronger. Thanks guys. NC is right. I'll get over him. Just need more time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am just eager for the day when I am not hurting or sad anymore.

[Tahme]

She's my neighbour and friends with my sisters so no contact is slightly harder for me. When we do cross paths sometimes she'll say hello or try to make conversation and I know shes not good for me as she's still interested in her ex but I cant help but think about talking to her when she does.

[shobee87]

I am now on day 4 of nc.

 

We have been broken up for 7 weeks after he ended a 9 and a half year relationship. I was doing fine the first 6 and a half weeks. We text each other and hung out he was so adament that we were going to remain friends and nothing was going to change but the 6 and a half weeks in I found out he left me for another woman and he was just having his cake and eating it too. I am devostated. I havent spoken to him since i found out. I deleted and blocked him on all social networking sights and deleted all photos I had on my phone. I miss and love and hate him all at the same time. I want to tell him how much I love him and I want to tell him how much of a w@nker he is. Everytime I feel the urge to text him I right the text out put everything I want to say and then send it to myself. I get the gratification of pouring my heart out without the instant regret as soon as I hit send because the text just comes back to my mobile.

[Dazzee]

Day 3 of nc.

[Joyvke]

We had no contact for almost 5 weeks (did break NC after 1 week, asking if he cheated on me or was seeing someone else - had a really bad feeling I couldn't shake off).

 

Broke no contact again 2 days ago. He missed me too. Actually checked my messages online on forums and reddit as well (admitted), but still claims there's nothing there and that it was general curiosity. So I will have to make a new forum name as this one is known now. Again, blocked and deleted everything and trying to get ready to ban him for good.... really wish things would be different and that I could be "just" friends, but I want to see him and see how it would go. IF the spark was still there and the fun we've always had.

 

Back to no contact, day 1 and it's damn hard, I know I can do this, so I'll just have to hold on to that thought.

 

Goodbye S, it's a real shame it had to end like this. I really wanted to be your friend, but I also wanted to see how it would be if we'd meet up. See if I still hold those feelings, or that I'm just holding on to the past...

Edited August 31, 2013 by Joyvke

[secondfailure]

My wife and I separated 3 weeks ago and I was asked out by a woman I have known for years. I swear on everyuthig I own I have never cheated on my wife before.... But my wife has told me (yesterday was the latest) that she cant see us getting back together but she said she loves me and misses me (mixed signals). No Foilling said nothing wrong with hooking up. I told this lady I am not ready for any relationship but I said we could go out and grab a bite to eat and we need to drive separate cars. I know 95% you will tell me not to go out. And that is okay.. I just wanred to get other peoples opinion on this matter... I did everything wrong when she moved out. Called, begged, cried.. Until I saw the 180s no contact rule... After I read that I feel better and I dont look for her calls anymore. All opinions are welcomed and appreciated.

[Cali408]

Go on the date. Your wife has told you she can't see you getting back together. Under no circumstances should you hook up with your wife. If she wants it over, make it over.

 

As long as the date has no expectations, you'll be fine. See it as socializing

[Babolat]

I have not read all 30 pages...

 

What I never realized was how diffciult it would be as the dumper...NC seems to be directed at the dumpee.

 

I ended a 12 month relationship 6 months ago. She has kept in contact with me, and I have reciprocated. We have had ex sex, done a few 2-3 days together. She continues to tell me she is working on herself, addressing the things that concerned me, for her - not for me, and has apologized, sincerely in my opinion, for some of ther actions and behaviors while we dated.

 

Our break up was amicable, we neveer really had an argument or fight in the 12 months together. There were compatability issues that i could not resolve.

 

3 weeks ago I realized I had to go NC or else I would never be able to move on. I had been suggesting it to her for a while, though she would say it would be too painful. She finnaly agreed with me 3 weeks ago.

 

We have had one email exchange since, her updating me on where she was, working on herself, still making changes, still needs time to be alone yet she misses me, wants to be with me, but knows she is being selfish and will not....

 

It's been a good 3 weeks for me. I am doing better, much better. I am feeling less anxious, healthier, happier, etc. I am working at keeping busy though at the same time allowing myself to be alone, to feel what it's like to be alone, and not be scared to be.

 

So, my point is, NC though directed at the dumpee, can apply to the dumper too.