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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.


No Foolin

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I would add that whether it's good for her or not, is irrelevant, given that the movers are already booked to a fixed time/date.

Asking her after you've made a definite booking is frankly, a bit of an insult.

 

Put yourself in her shoes.

She will either indignantly suppose that "Well, it will have to be, won't it?!" or just not be there out of spite/inconvenience.

 

It would have been more courteous to have arranged a mutually acceptable time.

Yes, it would have meant more contact - but you must separate 'business' from emotion.

 

no matter what your feelings on this break-up, and the emotional impact it's had on you, practically speaking, you both have lives to lead. Co-operation on booking this removal would have been a better move, strategically.

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I would add that whether it's good for her or not, is irrelevant, given that the movers are already booked to a fixed time/date.

Asking her after you've made a definite booking is frankly, a bit of an insult.

 

Put yourself in her shoes.

She will either indignantly suppose that "Well, it will have to be, won't it?!" or just not be there out of spite/inconvenience.

 

It would have been more courteous to have arranged a mutually acceptable time.

Yes, it would have meant more contact - but you must separate 'business' from emotion.

 

no matter what your feelings on this break-up, and the emotional impact it's had on you, practically speaking, you both have lives to lead. Co-operation on booking this removal would have been a better move, strategically.

 

 

good point. In that case, I could text..

 

 

"The first Saturday the moving company has open is Jan 11th at 8:30 to 9am. Does this work for your schedule?"

 

 

 

I can always move the booking to another Saturday so nothing is set in stone or paid for as of yet.

 

thoughts?

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Better.

 

It pays to always seek your own agenda and motivation in proposed actions. if you consider anything you do to be built on an emotional impulse, the reasoning is (sadly) invariably going to be misguided/wrong.

 

Always make decisions of any kind, involving mutual arrangements, from a practical standpoint.

difficult at times as I know it is, to separate the two, it's essential.

If necessary, or if in doubt, sleep on it.

Your view may be altered by the time morning comes....

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8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

 

 

This is so true. After 3 months of trying to be friends, trying to figure what went wrong, trying to romance her back, I went NC for about 3 1/2 weeks. I saw her at a meeting for an organization we both volunteer for, and on my way out, she tried to make some small talk, asking where a gift shop was so she could get family Christmas presents (since it was my hometown and she is 1/2 hour away), and asking when I was going home for Christmas or if I was even going home.

 

 

I obsessed for several days about these two things. Seriously! Why would she ask ME where the coffee shop was when 5 other people who are NOT her ex could have given her directions? Why would she ask me if I was going home for Christmas? She spent last Christmas with me, does she want to again? Does she still care about me and wants to make sure I am not alone?

 

 

It tore me up, from like 5 sentences!

 

 

Even though I still want her back, I know that NC as much as possible is the only way to move on.

 

 

What this guide doesn't provide for is when you work together, which we may this summer. I hope 6 months from now I have no feelings left, but maybe that's crazy optimistic. I care enough about the place I would work that reopening old wounds seems worth it, but maybe I am just being stupid.

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Better.

 

It pays to always seek your own agenda and motivation in proposed actions. if you consider anything you do to be built on an emotional impulse, the reasoning is (sadly) invariably going to be misguided/wrong.

 

Always make decisions of any kind, involving mutual arrangements, from a practical standpoint.

difficult at times as I know it is, to separate the two, it's essential.

If necessary, or if in doubt, sleep on it.

Your view may be altered by the time morning comes....

 

thank you. as a follow up.

 

I texted her last Friday (all business with no hooks). She replied back that that day and time would work for her and asked "how are you". I replied back "doing well. glad that day works for you. I will book it"

 

The move happens this Saturday. I asked the moving company to call and confirm with her. They were going to do that today.

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Tryingtobegrateful
Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you

 

 

Well, my ex remember his ex VERY fondly, those are the best weeks of my life. He liked to say. So yeah, I would not mind him talking about me thus in front of other girls. In such way, he would sabotage his future relationships too, I really find myself would not mind that to be honest

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  • 2 weeks later...

10 weeks NC now. xmas was tough. part of me hoped she would text me.

it was her birthday last week. i thought of her alot but didnt contact.

 

:)

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I have not spoken to my ex face to face since april 2013, which is amazing considering she lives about 50 yards from me. there was a few messages sent between us via facebook, but nothing more, I have been at peace about that happened between us since about last october.

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Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

 

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

 

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

 

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

 

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

 

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

 

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

 

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

 

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

 

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

 

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

 

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

 

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

 

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

 

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off ;)

 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

 

No Foolin

 

Thank you for another slap on my face! great post!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was extremely sad and low today. BU was 2 months ago; NC has been 21 Days. When I get this sad, I just come on here and read the disaster stories of people who broke NC.

 

I found out I have lost ten pounds since the BU. I am 5'7" and normally 115 pounds. I'm trying to start and eat again.

 

I just want to make it through one day without crying.

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Our situations do indeed seem like mirrors.

 

Post breakup, I have been in a whirlwind of emotion and thought, i.e. why did I put up with this behavior, why couldnt he just let me in, why do I seem to be settling...for this, why did I wait for him to breakup with me?

 

What I have come up with for myself is this:

 

I didnt love and respect myself enough. Simple, but it is ringing true for me. I think when you love yourself enough, you dont put up with this kind of behavior because you dont seek outside validation for your existence. When you are truly ok with who you are and accept yourself, warts and all, I think this is when you are open to meeting that someone who is in the same place as you, and all bs from your past relationship no longer leave that sticky residue because you begin to realize that all has happened to get you to this place.

 

I think people come into our lives for various reasons. Honestly, I think my ex came into my life to show me what kind of person I would end up with if I didnt love myself enough.

 

For me, I know it is important to be alone for a time. I need to figure out my life based on me, not someone else. What do I have to offer that is unique? It is interesting, I am taking a drawing class at school and we are doing portraits. I never realized how beautiful some of the people in my class were until I drew them. I began to appreciate the things that at first seemd akward, like a crooked nose, or a blemish. Suddenly, these things became a break from the normalcy of the rest of their perfect skin. They were the most unboring thing about the person. We are moving onto self portraits this week, and I can only hope to be able to look at myself in the same appreciative way.

 

 

True for me too.

 

 

My ex threw my clothes out the window a couple of times and I forgave her.

 

 

I should have stood up for myself but I focussed on what I had done rather than her totally unacceptable behaviour.

 

 

Still miss her though, 7 months later. Im 34 and expected to be married to her and having a family by now. Very disillusioned by the whole thing.

 

 

NC solid only for month. Very LC for the previous three.

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Post breakup, I have been in a whirlwind of emotion and thought, i.e. why did I put up with this behavior, why couldnt he just let me in, why do I seem to be settling...for this, why did I wait for him to breakup with me?

 

What I have come up with for myself is this:

 

I didnt love and respect myself enough. Simple, but it is ringing true for me. I think when you love yourself enough, you dont put up with this kind of behavior because you dont seek outside validation for your existence

 

I am seeing this for myself too. NC allows this focus. I have been NC since the day she pulled the plug, 6 weeks yesterday. I can see now that she did not make us a priority. She would not let me in. It was so hard for her to let her walls and guard down. Like pulling teeth. I know that I said all that I could say, did all that I could do in a very loving manner. This was not my fault. I see now that I should have ended it sooner and the moment she said to me that she felt "unsure" about the future, I should have bolted. If I could do it again, I would have said. "You are unsure, well I am not, goodbye". Luckily it only went on for a week until she bailed. I put up with borderline unacceptable behavior for a long time. There were countless examples of her not making us a priority. I never trusted that she was committed to the R and always had a feeling that she was one foot out the door, but at the time I did not know what that feeling was. I can see it clearly now. That is why I say, that I miss her, but not the feeling of being on the back burner. She is a good person in her own way, but not a good partner.

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It's been almost three weeks now. I'm not really dying to contact him anymore, but I want so badly for him to contact me even though I know he won't and if he does, I've already decided to immediately delete it. Just some kind of sign that I meant something to him. But each and every day that passes I see how little it all meant. I can't believe I thought he was someone special.
I completely understand this sentiment. Last week was week 1 of her moving out, exactly 60 days from discovery of her affair and the divorce talk. It was also week 1 of my son staying at her new place, so I felt especially alone. The first day was the worst, mainly because I didn't really know what to do with myself in our empty large house. All week, I expected her to at least text me a little sonething about how our son is doing or something about her having received the dissolution paperwork...NOTHING. I had actually hoped, like you, for just a couple words of kindness, something that let me know she understands how hard this has been for me. I wouldn't have needed much, just a "Hey, I know this has been hard, but I appreciate what you have done to make it happen". I really didn't expect anything, but this past week I still struggled with the same thing you are...That it meant SOMETHING at some point. I kept feeling like I wished she at least knew the level at which I loved her. So coping with all of this is certainly been interesting. It is getting better and reading everyone's stories here truly does help. I just read a great little item somewhere about "loss" and how to cope with it. We all here, are definitely having to deal with many levels of "loss" depending on each of our individual situations. We have not only lost our SO, we may have lost our kids, our house, financial, our dreams of a future, or self respect, our self esteem, etc. I'm realizing that it's simply too overwhwelming to deal with all my losses at once and to just work on one or two at a time. I have written down all the things that I have felt I have lost and the list has gotten extensive. But I've found, not ALL of the losses I am experiencing right at the moment. It helped me categorize them and showed me that I can actively deal with a few at a time and not have to deal with all 50 at once. I actually read them out loud. I find I actually have been talking to myself out loud lately, already. Having little conversations about how I may or may not handle dealing with my STBXW. Seems to really help me, writing this all down, maybe it can help someone else. I also have started a daily journal. Nothing huge, just some thoughts for the day, but I do it each day. It's really amazing how that also helps.
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I've noticed I start thinking about her when it's right before exams. Thinking about about my career tends to logically lead to a future we could have had, and thinking about what became of her.

 

MBCT does help a bit, but it's going to take a while to heal. It's already been 7.5 months.

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Hi there,

 

Need desperately help.

 

She contacted me after 11 days NC today.

Today is Valentine's day.

 

Does that mean something?

 

Please help! Should I answer or not?

 

(27 days BU)

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Hi there,

 

Need desperately help.

 

She contacted me after 11 days NC today.

Today is Valentine's day.

 

Does that mean something?

 

Please help! Should I answer or not?

 

(27 days BU)

 

Depends what she wrote?

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I'd say no. Prefect chance to really utilize NC. My ex has never once asked how I'm doing. Which sucks, because I don't even get the pleasure of ignoring her.

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I'm having trouble overcoming this resentment with my ex. I had done so much for her, and she did not acknowledge the significance until the very end.

 

In my mind, I've destroyed her at least 14 times. I want to get this out of my mind, but it's not going away.

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It is said that Anger is like a burning coal you hurl at your enemy.

First of all, you burn yourself first.

Secondly, odds are you'll miss anyway.

Anger is a natural emotion, but you my friend, are 'snowballing' it.

 

To clarify, you may have the initial and original thought which triggers anger, but the emotional response directly linked to that original thought actually only lasts 12 seconds.

 

Read that again.

 

yes -only 12 seconds.

 

Unfortunately, we begin to build layers upon layers of extra additional 'ingredients' which only go to prolong that emotion, and therefore, we remain angry for far longer, because we've added a lot more baggage to the original trigger.

 

You have to quit adding.

 

Here's something I wrote a while ago to explain what 'snowballing' is....

 

This is the problem with situations like this:

Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there"....

They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references....

 

The trick is to not start rolling the snowball.

Pick it up and throw it, and move on.

 

It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind.

But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'.

 

Pain is valid.

Emotions are valid.

They deserve to be honoured.

But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty.

 

The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone.

you may THINK it's all related, but it's not.

 

For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....)

You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accused you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things he said....

 

Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured...

 

(1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accused you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, snowballing starts here (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what he was wearing, other things he said....

 

See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain.

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I think one of the bad side effects of being in a relationship is that you lose yourself. When youre single you have your own plans own life goals, your own day to day activities. But once you get with someone your plans mesh with theirs. Even the little activities you share with your partner. One thing I learned from this is that it's important to have your own alone time as well. Cos if you ever break up with your partner you won't be left feeling so empty and hallow inside.

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Hey everyone i am new here, just joined today, some advice would be appreciated. I am not doing so well, i broke up with my ex gf nearly 3 months ago, i broke it off. she tried to come back, for a month she reasoned with me to make it work, but i stood firm. She implemented NC for the next month, i missed her, i cracked and did the whole come crawling back scenario. I totally lost it, I called her and tried reasoning for a second chance and that we could make it work but she has gotten a new boyfriend. The next day i messaged her over and over pleading to give us another go. Her mother eventually asked me to please leave her alone. Now this girl really like me, like wanted it all, she has a son from a previous marriage and wanted to settle down with me. I have been in contact with her mother since, who loves me but insists i move on. I tried 3 wks of NC but caved yesterday and sent a txt asking "how have you been?". No reply. EVERYBODY is telling me to leave it, but i just can't, i really love her and want to make this work. She met this guy a month after we broke up but says she is really happy. But her birthday is coming up and i was wondering if it would be a good idea to try again then? Or leave it and move on completely. I have to admit NC was good to me but i really want to fight for this one. Go on guys give me the hard word please! :(

 

I know this is an old post and you might not even come on the board anymore. No offense but you let her fight to get you back for a month and then when she finally had to give up so she could heal, you turn it around and want her back? I'm sorry but she obviously gave you chances, to reach out, to try and rekindle what you had and deep down I believe you thought she was just going to wait around forever. I don't wish pain on anyone, but it sounds like she finally said enough is enough and moved forward and you got a taste of your own medicine.

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