No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[scobro]

Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all.

 

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

[love1336x]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

I'm sorry.....

but I look so much better than her... in so many ways...

 

Why does this make me happy?!?!???! lol.

[Thegreatestthing]

I never find nc hard,I always end relationships I always ignore people,this is the first time I'm completely struggling to stop writing ,I always think this last email will get through to him and he'll reply ,you also think that it will keep you in their thoughts and it does but not in a good way! Anyway I'm dating Someone and that helps it's only when he's busy I find Myself going to email the other guy keeping busy is important!

[VanessaVanessa]

I am realising that I've been wanting him to reach out for weeks, months. I've been hanging onto hoping for a shred of some contact from him. I ended things with the words, because I felt he ended things with actions. I thought he would push to get things on track. I feel dumb. The truth is that I realised I've been wanting this for months now, and I really don't want to, but I can't stop wondering, hoping.

 

It's horrible.

[VanessaVanessa]

Very unexpected thing today... Received an email today from a distant friend who lives in another country. I had emailed her early last december telling her about how disappointed I'd felt when I had newly found out some things about my ex. She never replied to my email when previously we communicated fortnightly or so. I never made more contact.

She responds to some things I had told and mentioned to her in that email about him. I don't understand why it took such time for her reply, even though of course she wasn't obligated to I guess. Whatever I had written in that email to her was there for me to view, but I couldn't reread it. I didn't want to go back to remembering. But regardless, having her respond now has made it pop up in my mind even stronger. I don't know why it had to happen today, but I can only hope it was for a better reason.

 

I don't know.

[jiji_91]

I am also going though NC with my ex..

 

I gave him so many chances just for him to come back and break my heart !

first I broke up with him since he told me I dont want serious relationship.

then he says I want u back and stupid me said ok thinking he might come around

then he says I need space dealing with some stuff and I stayed waiting for him

then he says lets just be friends !!

 

then finally I told him I loved u so much but sorry I'm leaving..

 

and now he is texting me randomly saying random things !

 

ah I dont get him but am staying strong and not contacting him..

spacially with me dealing with the new pain of rejection ..

which am also NCign him

 

NC all the way :"(

[edgygirl]

I confess I didn't believe in NC.

 

I mean, why stop talking with someone you are trying to have back? Doesn't make any sense.

 

I haven't contacted him in 26 days. He did send the two last emails, last one 22 days ago.

 

It gave me so much clarity and in the last few days I've been wondering why I didn't break up for real with him sooner when he started being mean and treating me weirdly. Why did I let it get that far?

 

I am even wondering if we are a good match at all.

 

All this to say that NC really works no matter what you are feeling immediately post-breakup. It gives you the perspective you can't have while you're still VERY emotional about the person and in some form of contact with them.

 

Yes he might forget me completely and give up on me bc I stopped being in touch. But from decades of dating experience I can say the ones who mattered always came back. The ones who don't, were not important or valuable enough in your life as a whole.

 

That's why yes I am another person PRO NC now. Everyone should try it. It works. It helps you heal and put things in perspective.

 

Do I still miss him? Yes I do. Do I wish things would have been different? Yes. But I also know that this distance was tremendously necessary. Without it I would still be obsessing and thinking about him all day long.

 

Now I am thinking about future exciting possibilities and someone who might be a better match for me, someone who gets me. Yay NC. Thanks LS.

[enchanted771]

I'm on the 3rd attempt to go NC now. It's been 6 days. Everytime I get I'm touch and break NC it gets worse and worse so I know I need to stick to my guns. Just feel like something is missing by not talking to

him I guess.

[BridgetGrey]

Can I just say I love this thread it made my day kinda

 

All of you here made me so much stronger and motivated to move on and stick to no contact. My Ex and I were pretty complex because we met online use to skype for 2 hours as strictly friends as I knew my boundaries and I always been careful not to let some feelings ruin our friendship. However, after 2 year when he was living 2 hours away from he still is we got a lot closer texting on a daily level. Yet for months I still did not make a move, to cut the long story shot he started seeing someone else and I got jealous , so when I moved aboard I told how I felt as I was free from pressure and living on my own.

My Ex then broke with this other girl and we started dating via Skype and all LDR stuff and he even came to visit where I was. Dare I say I saw the red flags from there ? Even though he came for me and I did feel his putting effort into it but the fact that he wasn't willing to warm up to a commitment such a marriage was the break deal maybe ? I brought this into myself because at first I did not believe in marriage or relationships but then I fall for him and I saw the cracks of how he broke with this other because he knew she wanted marriage. I guess I was too attached to end it and think logically. Other issues also were cracks in our relationship factored in such as even though he was only 3 years older , but I felt like was ten years than me since he lived aboard and was working. I'm not naive I asked do you think it will work with the huge gaps between us he said yeah it will bridge.

 

The truth after he visited I knew it wasn't going to be the same and I felt the sparks were lost as we experienced each other physically, so Skyping wore off. I don't know I would say he stopped putting effort into it and he was rightfully busy with his work , but he disconnected in a way that really bothered me. I was going through a rough academic time and I was just overworked and he was in my life and I knew it wasn't working and I thought of ending it but I kept it going hoping ok it may grow since i was madly in love with him . Funny thing I needed to realize love is not enough.

After me being annoyed with LDR sending my ex 100 messages was the the final nail in the coffin I guess for him and me.

He did a really immature thing by going to my 19 sister about the breakup he should have ended like an adult but I guess it was his twisted way to showing he cares about my will being ...

Anyhow I didn't know this untill 2 months later on ..

We had a blow up where he said he wasn't breaking up but basically said it wasn't working and all of that * He never had the gut to end it * I had to end after days via what's app voice message and I was the nice one walked away from him wishing the best and telling things he couldn't say like we are on different stages and long distance doesn't work.

 

The first month was hell but I went no contact , the 2nd contact him as my mom fall ill he was OKish and I was actually just wanted to be friends but still I was attached to him. My mom has cancer BTW I told him he was nice I guess he is not a demon , but after I found out he went to my sister it pissed me off I guess I just couldn't forgive or resented him for putting me down and now I been ignoring him for a month...

 

It basically like no contact and ignoring m ex for the past month and you know what it feels like I have finally found my inner peace without him in my life for the this month. Me trying to be friends with him is not going to happen I can't lean or relay on him , I was not a needy person yet he made become one and I'm trying to to get rid of the attachment and it feels like I came along way.

 

 

You see no contact is about you healing yourself by being on your own feet to realize you don't need anyone but yourself. Then I realized my identity was taken hostage and you know I'm not going to let my ex or any else define me. He stepped out of my life for a reason and I know deep down it was for the best as I was never going to be happy with him as I told him because we simply weren't on the same pages on our lives. I needed this month to accept ooh well relationships expires and people walk in and out of our lives ...

 

I also think less about my ex and I think about him without being invested or caring so much and I use to miss my ex so much and now it's like i don't miss him. Maybe because i realized I had enough of him for a lifetime lol and I know as much as I know the back of my hand and I know it's not like my ex will be married with kids one day it's more likely he will traveling ...

 

I also came to the conclusion it was never going to work lol ... WHY :

 

_ My ex had so much emotional childhood baggage he was abused as a child and he never dealt with it or got over him mom death.

_ He grown up with a dysfunctional family , thus he is not going to commmit

_ He likes to be by himself and travel

I'm not judging my ex here I wish the best professionally , but I was not better than him I had issues and he can't heal himself to heal me.

 

I guess there comes this moment when you realize I don't miss this person anymore and I wish them the best in their lives and maybe one day the friendship will recover and we will have cup of coffee, but now no contact for the next months is better or minimum contact.

 

It had been a long road , but finally I see some light I guess

[hedyo]

Coming to the end of day 3 here. It's been tough, mostly because I'm back in my apartment this evening (went to stay with my Mom straight after the BU). There are so many memories here. I am finally starting to feel angry, which I think is healthy. Yet I can't say I'm fighting the urge to contact him, exactly. I know it'll only make me feel worse. But I'm beginning to accept that it's over, and NC won't change that. It needs to be about getting over the break-up, not about getting him back. Coming out of denial really hurts, and it's making me feel vulnerable and lonely. I'm scared of getting less rational as time passes and trying to make contact.

[BridgetGrey]

Coming to the end of day 3 here. It's been tough, mostly because I'm back in my apartment this evening (went to stay with my Mom straight after the BU). There are so many memories here. I am finally starting to feel angry, which I think is healthy. Yet I can't say I'm fighting the urge to contact him, exactly. I know it'll only make me feel worse. But I'm beginning to accept that it's over, and NC won't change that. It needs to be about getting over the break-up, not about getting him back. Coming out of denial really hurts, and it's making me feel vulnerable and lonely. I'm scared of getting less rational as time passes and trying to make contact.

 

I know how it feels *hugs* I was in the same shoe 3 months ago , but trust you will heal slowly and your doing the right with NC. You are in the right track as you accept that your doing this for yourself and not to get them back. I felt vulnerable as I said family issues and let tell you making contact only made feel weak and annoying to myself. if you ever feel needy drop me a PM I'm willing to listen as I been through and going through something similar.

[hedyo]

I know how it feels *hugs* I was in the same shoe 3 months ago , but trust you will heal slowly and your doing the right with NC. You are in the right track as you accept that your doing this for yourself and not to get them back. I felt vulnerable as I said family issues and let tell you making contact only made feel weak and annoying to myself. if you ever feel needy drop me a PM I'm willing to listen as I been through and going through something similar.

 

Thanks so much for the support!

[MajorOak]

The sad thing about this is......... The more you care the more pathetic you look.

F### Y##

[BridgetGrey]

The sad thing about this is......... The more you care the more pathetic you look.

F### Y##

 

 

No contact is the way to go. It's a breakup for a reason I advocate no contact. You should do it whatever you been dumped or dumped someone.

In my case the relationship wore and someone had to do the walking away and NC and I did it and I broke it and it made feel weak ,so I went back to it and now I feel much better.

 

You don't your ex all you need is to gather yourself. If your ex wants to be in your life they call, message you and fight for you ..if they don't it's their loss what is the point of wanting someone that does not want you in their lives?

[Cupid's Puppet]

I'm on Day 8 of no contact, and my ex is going strong at Day 14 LOL. After the breakup, he never really contacted me unless I contacted him. I am trying to cope with the idea that I may never hear from him again. At least with friends this happens gradually, and you don't mind catching up with them later on in life. But for someone to take up a huge chunk of your life, and you go forever without ever hearing from or talking to them again is just a scary thought. It makes me not want to form any more bonds with people because they just come and go.

[strong-hearted]

same here, i have gone 40 days without contacting him, each and every day that goes by i miss him even more, and wonder if there's still a chance for him to come back

[maradona]

Iv been NC for 2 month almost 3. I can't do it anymore... I want to call her I want to see how she's doing if she miss me if she thinks about me.... I can't stay strong anymore. I feel so weak. If I call her what's the worst that can happen? She kept saying I'm confused I don't know what I want blbabalabla

I can't seem to let go. I'm living like a zombie I have horrible thoughts all the time. I really want to talk to her see how she's doing what do I do?! I don't think my friends can handle hearing about her anymore I feel like I'm going to break... I thought after 60 days nc or more it's supposed to get better it's not

[troubledhusband]

My wife of 2 years, together 4 years asked me for a divorce 7 weeks ago on a Monday night. Same day in the morning she kissed me good bye and said she loved me.

 

She moved out of the apt into her own 1 week ago and last I've seen her was when she was picking her stuff up from my place. She run away fast and I held her for a quick conversation talking mostly about when she will get the rest of her stuff.

 

Because I still have the cats till next week and I am still cleaning up the atp and put all of her stuff in boxes (we're down to small stuff now like vitamins, creams etc stuff from closets including xMass ornaments and kitchen spices) and regretfully so I admin that NC is better than arguing which is all we've done. Hurting each other by txt-ing one nice thing and one bad thing.

 

It's been mostly me telling her how much I miss her and then unconsciously hurting her by saying stupid things such as how I removed her photos from the family collage at my parents house. Or how when I sleep at night I turn around to hug her and she's not there, how I wake up in the morning and look over her dresser for her to put on her makeup and the dresser is not there, how I come home and there is no one to greet me. I wasn't thinking about this before, but all those things must hurt her just as much even if she's the one that wanted the divorce.

 

So NC is better for both parties. If things were to work out it wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place. I can't wait for her to pick up the cats since she'll have to contact me again to leave home when she comes by. I do think that might be one of the last conversations we'll have until the divorce papers get filed.

 

I miss her, I love(ed) her and I can't live without her. But she left me and I will have to survive. All that contact does is to calm emotions for a bit, and that's really just sending you back to square one. Love is like a drug you can only get over by NC. It will go away in time...

[richburn]

I thought after 60 days nc or more it's supposed to get better it's not

 

Is this the golden number that everybodys quoting? I am day 3 eek!!!

[jonsnuh]

It's been more than a year. I still miss her. Would I take her back if she did? No.

 

Sigh.

[tikay00]

I confess I didn't believe in NC.

 

I mean, why stop talking with someone you are trying to have back? Doesn't make any sense.

 

I haven't contacted him in 26 days. He did send the two last emails, last one 22 days ago.

 

It gave me so much clarity and in the last few days I've been wondering why I didn't break up for real with him sooner when he started being mean and treating me weirdly. Why did I let it get that far?

 

I am even wondering if we are a good match at all.

 

All this to say that NC really works no matter what you are feeling immediately post-breakup. It gives you the perspective you can't have while you're still VERY emotional about the person and in some form of contact with them.

 

Yes he might forget me completely and give up on me bc I stopped being in touch. But from decades of dating experience I can say the ones who mattered always came back. The ones who don't, were not important or valuable enough in your life as a whole.

 

That's why yes I am another person PRO NC now. Everyone should try it. It works. It helps you heal and put things in perspective.

 

Do I still miss him? Yes I do. Do I wish things would have been different? Yes. But I also know that this distance was tremendously necessary. Without it I would still be obsessing and thinking about him all day long.

 

Now I am thinking about future exciting possibilities and someone who might be a better match for me, someone who gets me. Yay NC. Thanks LS.

 

Is he the dumper of the dumpee? Were you the dumpee in the past when they all came back?

[tikay00]

Day 4, and I woke up thinking about her, but literally talked to myself in my head, and rationalized everything, and said to myself, "who cares what you regret, and who cares what you can show her, nothing you do or say will do a damn thing. It will only work against you. It wasn't meant to be, and she doesn't want a relationship." "IF she ever comes back, that's after you've moved on, and stopped thinking about her. Get to that point, and NOTHING will phase you. Not even a text from your ex saying she wants to have your babies, and wants to get married now."

 

Feel decent today.

[tikay00]

SMDH @ people saying, "I've been NC for 3 months, I can't take it anymore, I MUST talk to them! I'm going crazy!"

 

LMAO, you're not going NC. You're doing, "I won't call or text you for a certain period of time, and every single day I wait, I pray you're missing me as much as I miss you."

 

Meanwhile you're stalking their social media every other day, and still have them on a pedestal.

[Mandy26]

10 weeks of NC on my part, he has dropped off a couple of items within the first week... then texted me when he got home-u look great, if you need anything call please. **** you- I do not respond. 6 hours later another text- did I do something to piss you off? Me: No, thank you for dropping my items off and take care of you. Nothing back. Two weeks go by, a simple text stating you found my swea ttop/or my child's. Me: thanks. Three weeks later, you text again-offering to drop off the microwave, and leave it in my garage. Me:no answer. Five days later, an email just double checking to see if I would like the microwave and you would drop off in my garage. Me: no thank you. THE END!!!! I felt so good, and now I feel so bad I know that in my heart I will never hear from you again.

[tommy_tgz]

You guys are all awesome people for all the great advice. I'm glad we are all in the same boat and still trying to swim. After breaking NC and seeing how happy she looks on social media and moving on, it really set me back. NC is for the best, people on here and many other therapists don't advise it because it's bull****..its for our own protection during the healing phase. I was doing much better before I broke NC.

 

I came across a post of the infamous No Foolin and learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. A couple more google searches with symptoms and evidence led me to the conclusion that my ex was one of these women. I had red flags and doubts in my mind all along from the start but she had charmed me with her kind and nurturing favors combined with sexual allure. She was readily available for sex and would please me in anyway. She idealized me and told me I was the best, while my savior complex kicks in. Then I learned that men who are attracted to BPD women had some sort of childhood issues. I have never met my father and always had insecurity issues over it. I've grown out of them for the most part but still notice I love it when a woman gives me all her attention and makes me her world. Yet that same desire is deadly and a curse when you date a BPD woman.

 

Yesterday was tough after about 2 weeks of NC, but I'm slowly learning to accept what kind of person my ex was now that I am armed with the knowledge of BPD. I did not have any idea of this condition before I met her. She was not what I expected at all, and her infidelity in the end prompted me to end the relationship with her. She went into a fury and accused me of abuse and beating her. This was the "hate stage" for a BPD woman. I made my mistakes in the relationship I'm not perfect but women who possess this disorder will never think they did anything wrong and that they are angels. That you are the cause of their problems and issues because you failed to satisfy their needs. These women are also very attractive and that creates a fatal attraction combination. Watch out for this stuff guys, its no joke and a tough break up following.

 

You people rock, stick to NC and work on yourself. I'm grinding it out little by little every day.

 

Live Well.