No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

[TheOptimist23]

I agree with NC being a method to get yourself together after a relationship has ended.

 

The root problem that NC is aiming to fix is that inside the heart we still feel for

 

the ex. Thru NC we eliminate them from our current life as much as possible, we

 

avoid the suffering.

 

Why the suffering ? The suffering comes from trying to hold on to the ex on the inside when we think of them

 

or see them or are in contact with them.

 

There is however a different approach to NC. To let go. If you have truly let them go there

 

is no pain because you are not missing them inside. You have set them free and very

 

importantly you have set yourself free. Contact with the ex is then possible.

 

Whenever you love someone they are a visitor to your heart they may decide to leave

 

at any time for reasons you may or may not understand or even for no reason at all.

 

It can be the greatest pleasure to let them be free to leave outside and inside of yourself, but the

 

flipside is that it can be excruciatingly painful if they are not free to leave.

 

Hence: If you love someone set them free.

 

&

 

William Blakes poem -

 

he who binds himself to a joy,

 

does the winged life destroy,

 

he who kisses the joy as it flies

 

lives in eternity's sunrise.

[NewLee40]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the scene here and just found this thread. Of course, it is so long that I couldn't read it all, but I will be coming back to it again and again. Forgive me if I repeat things others have said, I haven't read every post...yet.

 

As with everyone else, I thought the essay was great and I wish I could have seen this about a month ago when I was going through it at first.

 

One thing I have to disagree with is the idea that hooking up to take care of the physical need without emotional intimacy is advisable. Perhaps some people have the detachment to do that, but for me, it is like rubbing salt in the wound.

 

I've tried the hook up thing, and it left me feeling emptier and more alone. I need sex and physical contact as much as the next person, but sex is just so intimate that you run the risk of:

 

#1 Getting attached to someone that you really shouldn't because you are vulnerable and those sex hormones (esp. in women) create a bond. I don't mean to stereo type, but men are typically better at the "no strings" sex relationships than women are. So, its not necessarily one size fits all advice.

 

#2 Feeling worse about yourself because you can always find someone to have sex with, but no one to love you. This is especially true if you had the experience of one of those rubber band relationships where the guy came back telling you he loved you, but was really looking for a booty call. I know its just negative self talk, but its very hard for me not to say to myself - "hey, is this all I'm really good for to anyone in this world?"

 

#3 Sex takes you back to the place where you were with your ex, those moments of passion, intimacy, and the things you miss the very most about him/her. The person doesn't feel, smell, kiss, or whatever like your ex, and you can't help but be very aware of it. Feeling all that may just be too much for you in the early stages.

 

Its not a moral thing, and I'm not saying sex without love is a totally bad idea. But, during the healing process it can be dangerous ground to tread. You can use sex just in the same way as you use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. But, then there's always the morning after.... ya know?

[caring guy]

Hi all

It is true i think & me & my s/o have talked of it that whilst one is trying to impress the other & wnting them back & the other is just being friends, this can never work. Letting them go & then, as you say you can then meet up 'on a level' & if reconciliation is possibe, it can start at this point! The flip side to this is when

I had given up hope & was finding it very hard to handle the prospect of not being intimate & telling her my love for her, when i got a call saying she was confused & now it's very much in limbo, she misses me, . So at the moment, me personally, am in a situation of being closer than i was last week & in limbo.

 

The NC rule worked last time & she appreciated the space i'd given her & most importantly "SHE CAME TO ME", it led to a nice time we had & possibility of hope, a glimmer of light!

It is extremely painful when they can't leave the heart, but the mind too! Whatever we do, work, exercise, hobbies, it's there for me, like waiting on a stay of execution.

 

New Lee, the situation of men being able to have no strings sex more, for me is not true! I have to be emotionally bonded to have sex. Me & my gf were in an all time low & she met someone & are in a sexual relationship, but sex never happened until she told me. She loves me though not in a way i want, but as it was a low & i gave her reason to accept advances. So women too can fancy someone who makes her feel good & sleep with them, but not love them!

Now she isn't sure, as i say above & it's up to me! I have put myself in her shoes & this has made me think why she did this.

All i know is i can't be with another to extract sexual tension.

[At Peace]

Ok All,

I'm putting this concept out there...There's going to be some resistance but let's take a moment and reflect on ourselves here...There's alot of struggle and going back and forth between the ex'x and NC. Could it be that we who are going through these limbo after it's all over, i.e. reciveing e-mails, phones calls, some half hearted contacts with the ones our hearts are broken over, ARE WE DOING this to ourselves because we don't have enough confidence and faith in ourselves to conceive WE DESERVE BETTER. Is it too much laziness and we are labeling it, we are still in love with that person who hurt us. Its alot of work to go out and find what we truly want ... a great relationship, lover...connection with a bf/gf, so when we get left in the dust...instead of seeing there is someone far superior to what I got, out there waiting for me, its a form of selling ourselves short by clinging to all these shattered dreams. And now occupying our minds with what does that e-mail mean or misjudging a get together with the ex's. Humans are lazy, we'd rather stick with what we know than try something new...we're so lazy we're willing to go for the pewter in relationship instead of the GOLD

[caring guy]

Nicely said AtPeace

I do believe there's someone is outthere that would be better for us & maybe some of us do deserve better.

My s/o's friends say she deserves someone better than me!, not that i'm a bad guy, but i don't want to hold her back in her ambitions due to my issues!

Funny as it seems, my friends & family criticise her, saying i deserve better & here i am saying that she is right, as only i know what i've done & i'm been diplomatic!

 

I know what you say about humans being lazy, but you see so many breakups & 6 month marriages nowadays, compared to the past when for example my grandparents being married 76 years & in times of much harder & stressful situations. Maybe we have it easy nowadays. I just feel that i love my gf & she loves me, & wants to love me in the way i do & how i want her to. I know we can overcome our difficulties, as when it's good it's magical & we hit it off so well!

 

Any advice appreciated as to how to get her to fancy me again! I know my downfalls from the past & what my positives were, i guess i should just act like i did when i met her, but improve on the negatives. My issues & a good spruce up!, & fluff up my feathers like a peacock does to attract his mate!

Saw a wildlife programme other day about thease 2 birds in the jungle trying to attract the female, jeez, the things they did!

[At Peace]

caring guy,

It's wonderful that you want to change. But the change is for you. Spend time showing yourself self-love and I think you will see that in addition to the outer change, your inner change will come through stronger and with new insight. I'm getting the sense through some of your posts, you desparately want to fix the past. Ok, brace yourself (and I'm saying this because I've braced myself accepting a simple truth about my ex and our history) YOU CAN'T REPEAT THE PAST and YOU CAN'T FIX WHAT HAPPENED. The past is the past. I say this as a slap to your face. You are focused on the past and on the negative, I know I've done it enough. This is sapping your vital mental energy. Its like you are replaying a bad movie in your head over and over. And you think that you can rewite that script. Use this precious time to let those bad moments, memories go. Now take stock of you in the present. Don't use being in love as a way to avoid facing the truth. Maybe she is not what you need presently. It doesn't mean you love her less. But you're wanting to right your wrongs is clouding your judgement. Its commendable that you want to do so. But THINK. You can change and be a better man for it. And perhaps get in a loving relationship with someone who will appreciate and ADORE the new you.

[caring guy]

At Peace

I know i can't fix the past, i wish my gf knew of this, as she i suppose understandably has to regress the past as to make me realise what went wrong.

I want nothing more than to lose the memories of the past, unfortunately my gf can't, i want to concentrate on the present & future.

I don't dwell on the past, i just have it there as a lesson as to not make similar mistakes again.

As i said, she knows she loves the me that i'm 100% commited to being, the real me, with no artificial medication, alcohol, the me that is naturally me. As i have said, 2 weeks ago there was no chance with my gf, & after she called me & said she was mixed up & that i wouldn't be in her house if there wasn't a chance! She's away for the weekend with her mum & kid & will text me hopefully today & we shall meet next week & go out with her kid & over time she will see the new me. We spoke on msn the other night & i got positive vibes.

I'm not wanting to fix the past as i can't & i should maybe tell her it is good for her to bring up the past, if it helps her, but this person i want to spend my future with is her, she will appreciate & adore the me she knows is there & will be permanently.

CG

[chocolate_boy]

Awesome thread

[AltplanB]

This ones for the great No Foolin.

 

Ok this is a long one.

Im only 20 but i have dated a lot of girls. The only one that i ever had feelings for was the one that recently broke up with me. Shes 21 and we were together for a year. We lived to gether for a while but then had to go to different colleges. LDR was kinda in effect becuase we were 45 minutes away from each other.

SHe has always had problems that i have helped her withL Bulima, her fathers demise, job depression. Because of all the support i gave her, she apparently started to view me as a supporter/friend, and not as a romantic lover. She told me that she lost her romantic feelings for me and that it was time to move on. Said that nothing was wrong with me and that i was wonderful but that she couldn't view herself being with me. Over the course of the week, i talked her into giving it a second try. But every moment i wasnt around her, she felt that it was so right not to be with me. She is a very emotional person and if something doesn't feel right, then she feels that she is lying to herself and others, which she can't handle. Anyway, she broke my heart again by saying that she just needs time to herself, and that in time we could become friends. She didn't want to lose contact and wanted to keep talking about to each other about our lives. We decided that we would see other people so that we wouldn't dwell on the thought of us..

Problem is that she goes to the same school as all my friends, whom she met through me. Her roomates are my friends girlfriends. SO i find out everything thats going on if i want to. Turns out, one week after the second breakup, she gets drunk at a party and a guy spends the night in her room. Turned out they just kissed but i know this guy and he is just like me. Ive talked to both of them and they claim that they are not looking for a relationship but then i think about him just pounding her and it makes me just sick to my stomach. I loved her more than anything and she left me because of a lack of romantic feelings. I went online and did a lot of research about the topic and it appears that girls at her age like to get out and experiance the boy pool while they are young and free. I believe that this might have been part of her reasoning when she dumped my ass.

Because she is transfering to my school next year, i ponder what it will be like to be around her after this whole ordeal has gone down. I confronted her over the phone about the other guy and said that i didn't want her seeing other people so soon because it hurt me so much. I requested that we both not see other people and she agreed, while crying. About 5 minutes later she calls me and through tears, tells me its over, we cant have contact for a long time, and that she is gonna see other people before hanging up. Im devasted. Seems i would get a little and then get dropped.

Anyway, i believe (from others intuition) that in these senarios that the girl will miss the old relationship and the aspects of the safe loving guy they had before. I have the conundrum of having to move on while holding out a small glimmer of hope that it might work again. However, i do not know whether i will be able to forgive her for all the pain an grief she has caused me. I lost 12 pounds of muscle. My grades have dropped, and im ****in freshmen. Its even worse because i am sleeping with people out of depression and when i think about that, i think about her sleeping with guys because she wants a fling, or maybe another lover. Makes me sick to my stomach and i would kill to have her back.

As of right now, my friends around her have told me to forget about her and let her do her own thing. I feel the most pain due to the fact that she has moved on from me within a week of break up and that the man she choose is a copy of me. I believed that she could of been the one, even with all the pain and suffering. I thought this because she is such a good person and deserves good people. Because i know she is so caring, it is hard to hate her for what she did, and then it is harder to forget about her. I think to myself that she might come back when she realized that all my virtues and care were not to be repeated easily, and that i will always be there for her. I hate her for what she is doing, but i love her for all that she is. What should i do? What should i feel? What should i look for in the future?

[No Foolin]

First and foremost you need to pull over to the side of the road and have a smoke and think. All relationships end, fact. Another fact: if you are a dude you will eventually get hit in the nuts by something. I don't know of single guy on this planet that hasn't at least had his nuts grazed by someones foot, purse, shovel, endtable, etc. the point is ya just don't worry about getting hit in the nuts on a day to day basis, it just happens. Similar ya just can't worry about someone coming home to you if they have no intentions to. Nothing that you will do, will ever make this movie rewind and play over. No reason to worry or prepare for it. Nothing you are going to do is going to prevent you from getting hit in the nuts sometime in the future. It could be while you're at some picnic and you get owned by some errant soccer ball, it just happens. Are you gonna walk around with your hands on your crotch, waiting for the hit. I think not. It just happens and you move on.

 

The game plan is the first post on this thread. This thread is all about you, not her. F**k her and what she is doing. Thinking about that is only wasting minutes, hours, days, years that you are never going to get back.

 

I know, I know, maybe you are hoping that someday she will think about how cool you were and come running. You have a better chance of punching out God than that ever happening.

 

Listen, people go through people like shoes, it how we learn and grow. Nothing personal it just is. Be happy for the time you had, close that book. Close your mouth about that gig and focus on the one thing that is always with you, yourself. what other choice do you have.

 

I guess you could fix yourself some sleepy time tea, curl up in a quilt, turn on the movie Beaches and cry. But I think you have more resolve than that.

 

Hey Big Ups on at least staying in the field and scoring some young ladies. You're young, thats a strength use it.

 

P.S. people I'm always around in some form of another, tough love is what I provide, PM me if needed.

 

No Foolin

[consumed]

No Foolin, good reply Thats really what I need to start doing, you said it right on.

[AltplanB]

Your right dude. A guy like me doesn't deserve this crap. I did everything i could and that i was working way to hard to make it work. Im gonna go out and date again and if she calls me in the future, ill tell her to tell me the truth, apoligize, and F off for putting me through that.

 

p.s. i know no one gonna make her scream in bed like i did.

[Natalie05]

Awesome thread here - let me tell you I'm on month 5 of no contact and oh my gosh have I gone thru the ups and downs but I held out and I'm recovering and in a great place.

 

I was dumped by my ex and I swore on the day he dumped me I'd never contact him and give him the satisfaction. I went thru about two months of sheer torture wanting to call, email, send a card, etc....but I always came back to this thread and read it.

 

I went thru a period of intense grief and I missed him so bad I thought it would kill me. He has not contacted me - why would I put myself thru the humilation? No way....

 

Time does heal. I'm getting over him and my days are not so consumed with obessive thoughts about him. It just takes time and discipline - then it starts to get easy and you see things in a whole different light.

 

I don't want him back anymore. I don't care what he's doing or who he's doing it with. The feelings are fading and going away. Happy Holidays to me!!

[In Sync]

Natalie05

 

I went thru a period of intense grief and I missed him so bad I thought it would kill me. He has not contacted me - why would I put myself thru the humilation? No way....

 

Time does heal. I'm getting over him and my days are not so consumed with obessive thoughts about him. It just takes time and discipline - then it starts to get easy and you see things in a whole different light.

 

I don't want him back anymore. I don't care what he's doing or who he's doing it with. The feelings are fading and going away.

 

I'm going to make this thread part of my daily reading ....and just glancing at your post gave me inspiration. I'm taking it a day at the time now. I keep having those damned urges to call him, but lately I am following the program and recalling the crappy things about him I didn't like nor do I want that in my life again. But sometimes I bounce back and forth, from missing him to despising him. Except for this website I would never imagine that people out the there hurting or have hurt this much..I guess because no one likes to talk about this part of a broken relationship. People just tend to say get over him. I don't think I've ever heard anyone other than on this sight admit to the pain of missing someone. Usually everyone plays it off like 'No big deal.'

That's why I began to feel like I'm a freak for feeling this intense longing or hurt from this break with the ex. Even now I just a lapse in confidence to continue NC...and said 'What if I did ring him up? But now I finish the thought off with he'll hang up on you, do I need the humiliation. No, I don't.

[JohnJohn]

Great thread NF. NC is the way to go.

 

When the juice is no longer worth the squeeze, one must move on.

[whichwayisup]

Mods/Admin...IS it possible to pin this thread? I see other threads pinned that really noone replies to anymore and aren't as helpful as this one.

 

Thanks.

[SexualDeviant]

I just want to say thank you for this post.. right now i'm trying to get back with my ex, but we both know it will never be the same. her parents/friends dislike me with such hate.. i'm at a loss for thoughts these days my life seems to be getting worse by the minute. i do love her and don't want to lose her again but i'm not sure how to go about things..

 

Life sucks sometimes i guess

[whichwayisup]

Just time to bump up this thread! I think afew need it!

[J dub]

Just time to bump up this thread! I think afew need it!

Aint that the truth!

 

Can we pin this, perhaps?????

[hookallstar]

this thread needs a bump...better yet! STICKY!!!!

[opheliaapplegate]

This is one of the best things i have ever read .. thanks for recommeding me to read this WWUp... i am copying this to index cards like the man said and pinning them to my desk so i do not loose sight of what i have to do.... yes this should get pinned .... thanks so much for writing this... :-)

[opheliaapplegate]

Hey NF or anyone else ... i would be interested in knowing what advice you can give me so that i can maintain NC with my ex when we work together and at times have to speak about work or go to meetings together pass eachother in the hall etc etc... it is damn hard and i try to spend as much time as i can in my office and i try to act as carefree as possible but damn am i hurting on the inside... i just would like some tips anything really

[opheliaapplegate]

just a note we were together for 3+ years ... our story doesn't matter at this point i just need to get over it and move on but it is hard and awkward when working together ..... thanks

[No Foolin]

hmmm.... Pretty simple, when at work with said ex, keep it all business. Don't put on a show that "life rocks" when it doesn't. Just do what needs to be done, display neutral, act neutral. Nothing taken or given. then when alone remind yourself why you are doing this.

 

Future Note:

 

Do not date people that you work with or your neighbors, or in your crew of friends. This is about as bright as washing your face with a brilo pad.

 

Keep this phrase in mind "do not sh*t where you eat or sleep"

 

No Foolin

[CaliGuy]

hmmm.... Pretty simple, when at work with said ex, keep it all business. Don't put on a show that "life rocks" when it doesn't. Just do what needs to be done, display neutral, act neutral. Nothing taken or given. then when alone remind yourself why you are doing this.

 

An ex can see right through that as well. Be pleasant, be confident in who you are and be happy but don't overdo it.

 

Future Note:

 

Do not date people that you work with or your neighbors, or in your crew of friends. This is about as bright as washing your face with a brilo pad.

 

Keep this phrase in mind "do not sh*t where you eat or sleep"

 

No Foolin

 

Amen! That's bad mojo!