Mind = blown. Need some insights!

[Thorgs]

I've had this female friend for the past 2+ years. We've known each other for the past 5 years. She contacted me out of the blue looking for advice about her boyfriend (now ex) 2 years ago when we first started becoming friends. She never really took my advice. Anyways, they broke up about 9 months ago. She started to grow on me a lot long before this but I wasn't going to act on it. Just a side note, she used to always tell me that her other friends weren't really good friends at all so she could never "talk" to them or trust them for that matter. Anyways, her older cousin finally talked to her and got some sense into her head and she finally moved on from this ex...even though I gave her the same advice. Fast forward to the end of May. She was telling me about this guy she likes who lives 700 miles away. Then randomly, she told me she also had a crush on me. At first I was shocked, then really excited, and then 2 weeks later I told her I don't want to just be an option because it's just too hard. Anyways, our friendship took a huge blow. I mended things when I said let's forget any of that even happened, but it was hard for me to turn my feelings off just like that. It didn't feel like we were back to our old friendship either.

 

She left for another country for the summer break to be with her relatives. A week before she left we were at a concert and she was making out with a random dude. I got really jealous. Her Twitter was blowing up from her horrible friends she always told me about saying, "yay you're finally a sl*t, get it in!" and telling her to hook up with more guys and garbage like that. The reason I liked her so much as a friend (and more) was because she was the exact opposite of this. She had good morals and a strong head on her shoulders. She didn't even care that she hurt my feelings until 4-5 days later when she finally apologized. She always said she didn't want to kiss just anyone and that she was waiting for the right person etc etc and I loved that about her. Well now she talks to these other friends all the time, referring to them as best friends, and I feel like I don't even matter that much. They are horrible examples and I know it. I get so down knowing that she's changed in a matter of weeks. It's like she's trying to please these friends for no reason. It gets me so upset and it feels even worse that there's nothing I can do about it. I tried talking to her about it but it seems like she's built up a wall against me. She doesn't talk to me like she did before she moved me out of the friend-zone and forced me back into it. I guess these "other friends" have replaced me. She left the country 3 weeks ago for 2 months and the Friday after she left she was able to get on Skype...we were talking and all of a sudden she ignores me for 30 minutes. I looked at her Twitter and it said, "yay finally skyping with (bad influence friend)!" So I just signed off. That's the last time we talked.

 

 

I haven't talked to her in more than a month now and she randomly likes a picture I put on Instagram the other day. I'm trying not to over think it but right after I posted a picture she posted a picture that she labeled, "Cousin playing with my Ted" (the teddy bear I got her before she left). I’m not making an attempt to talk to her because I feel like the ball is in her court at this point. I guess nice guys really do finish last and on top of it, I lose a great “post-May” friend.

 

Any insights or advice y'all can give? I just don't know what to say if she ever tries talking to me when she gets back...especially if she asks why I didn't talk to her all summer. I guess I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

[Emme]

Stop thinking there will be more to the relationship you have. Even if she changes her mind and wants to move forward as a couple never do it. You have every right to back off. Don't feel guilty about. You guys seem young and you're growing and learning. People change and someday she might look back at all the wrong choices she made with her bad behavior. Most women go through a slut phase. It happens. She might think its cool now but she will reflect one day hopefully and see this is not the person she is.

 

You were insulted by her comment. Let her know if she contacts you that you saw it. Let her know that until she respects you as a friend you are not willing to tolerate her behavior. If she gets it great, if she doesn't you will lose the friendship. Either way you will the lucky one.

[Thorgs]

I don't think there will be more of a relationship at this point, but I'm just having a hard time with how she could just drop me as a friend like that, especially how she did it after 2 years of being great friends.

 

I honestly don't know what I'd say if she tried contacting me. I always screw the things up I want to say when I open my mouth anyways and I definitely don't want to sound pathetic.

 

Life, ugh!

[NoMagicBullet]

I'm sorry, Thorgs, but friendships end. Even platonic friendships that have many years of history. Not too long ago, the friendship between my dad and one of his friends ended over what seemed to be some really petty stuff. They're in their 60s and the friendship had lasted something like 30 years.

 

Yours is complicated by your feelings for her that go beyond friendship, and unless both parties feel the same, those friendships usually end. Sometimes suddeny, sometimes they just fade away. She's obviously going in a different direction in life, and from what you've described, it doesn't sound like she would be a good friend for you anymore.

 

It hurts, I know. But all you can really do is let it go. And focus on building and strengthing friendships with other people. Best wishes to you.

[durentu]

"ball is in her court" ???

 

dude, game over. Why are you hoping for more abuse?

 

She's gone 'slut' and you're going the other way. It's her choice, her life. Let her go.

 

Also, try to figure out what and where your boundaries are and defend them. Personal rights aren't heeded just because you post a sign.

[Thorgs]

Just an update...I have seen her on Skype and Instagram but I refuse to be the one to make the first contact. It's been just about 2 months since we last talked and she comes back to the states on Sunday. It hurts not to talk to her, it really does, but if I mean as much to her as she says I did, then she can prove it by contacting me first. If she doesn't, then she truly has changed because of her friends influence.

 

I guess I'll find out soon enough.

[GuyInLimbo]

Move on. She's not worth your time.

[Thorgs]

Move on. She's not worth your time.

I want to believe that so bad but I can't get to that point. I wrote her a letter last week. All I did was basically thank her for her friendship, as it meant a lot to me. She wrote back a few days later telling me I'm a great person, how she wants the best things in life for me, and that she wishes me to be happy. She also said she's just at a confusing point in her life right now. In which I replied, thanks, best of luck with everything.

 

Okay, so why does that mean ignore me for 2 months? I never did anything mean to her, I was there for her when she needed someone the most. Now here I am, without one of the greatest people in my life anymore. Why is it that I lose out? I've deleted her from Skype/FB/Twitter/Instagram to help me move on. The only way she can now contact me is through email or text/call. I have a bad feeling she never will. The worst part is, I can't stop thinking about her and the great times we had and why this happened. It's literally making me go crazy. She used to be such a genuine person and this whole thing is making me so depressed. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I hate this empty feeling. I'm hurt, really hurt.

[Thorgs]

Thinking about calling her right now...amazing what a few beers will do.

[Thorgs]

Okay, I didn't call her. I'm surprised this forum is so dead.

[NoMagicBullet]

Hey Thorgs,

 

Sorry for a delayed reply. I've been away from LS for a while. Saw your update and thought I should reply:

 

Okay, so why does that mean ignore me for 2 months? I never did anything mean to her, I was there for her when she needed someone the most. Now here I am, without one of the greatest people in my life anymore. Why is it that I lose out? I've deleted her from Skype/FB/Twitter/Instagram to help me move on. The only way she can now contact me is through email or text/call. I have a bad feeling she never will. The worst part is, I can't stop thinking about her and the great times we had and why this happened. It's literally making me go crazy. She used to be such a genuine person and this whole thing is making me so depressed. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? I hate this empty feeling. I'm hurt, really hurt.

 

First of all, and this is really important: it's not your fault. It's not someting you did or didn't do. Well, theoretically, there could be things you could have done differently, but that doesn't mean the outcome would be any different. I've been going through something similar to this lately, and I drove myself crazy wondering what I didn't do right. Finally, I accepted that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do -- it never did matter. The outcome was never going to be any different, because the other person wants things the way they are, which is distant and nearly non-existant. All relationships (friendships, marriages, family relations) take effort from both parties to work, and if one side won't keep up their end, it fails.

 

For both you and me, the people we would like to be closer to are not at a place in their lives where they are able or willing to make the effort to have even a friendship with us. And no matter how supportive we've been, they're not going to be there for us until they decide differently. Who knows if they ever will? But it doesn't have anything to do with us. It's just where they are in their lives, and they have no room for us in that place. It's not necessarily "personal" or malicious -- even we have people we don't make more of an effort for in our lives. We're all finite human beings and we must pick and choose where to put our efforts.

 

It's taken me longer than I wished, but I can accept that now. I knew it as a fact for a long time, but the acceptance of it as reality eluded me. I guess my wounded ego and disappointed heart got in the way, as much as I tried to move on. I say give yourself more time -- more time with no contact. Months, say three months or so, is a good start, I think, but your mileage may vary.

 

A lot of stories here on LS involve people making mistakes, and their problems are their own doing. But others are blameless -- your story is one of the blameless ones. It's not your fault she's not in your life. But it is your fault if you initiate contact when you shouldn't. Let her be from now on. You've done all you can in the best way possible.