M30USA Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 I'm trying to not make this about men and women, but the specific example I'm using here pertains to women. Do some women expect their husbands to be "messiahs"? As in they expect the man to satisfy all of their needs and be responsible in the end for their happiness? I am just speaking from experience with my problematic/failed marriage. I don't ask a lot from people in life. I pretty much solve my own problems and don't like to throw them on other people. In my marriage my wife even told me once, "You never need anything." I'm not sure if that was an insult or compliment. But she grew up in a family where her dad was virtually a non-stop workhorse. This poor man got worked over like you wouldn't believe. So I think she expected me to be the same. And it's not just a matter of working hard for a spouse. I also felt like she had expectation of me that just were impossible. I mean any time she had problems it was always my fault. Additionally, she would watch these movies and TV shows where they idealize relationships and set up impossible standards. It's kind of like female porn. Women always complain that men watch porn and it distorts their expectations. But everything that's on TV distorts a woman's perception of relationships and what is reasonable to expect from a man. I just believe that many marriages fail not because of anything wrong necessarily, but because they go into it with expectations higher than the stars. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 My W was never satisfied with anything. I was a damn good husband and father. We had what I would call "normal" marital problems. She heated and threw in the towel. Yep, her expectations were too high. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 My W was never satisfied with anything. I was a damn good husband and father. We had what I would call "normal" marital problems. She heated and threw in the towel. Yep, her expectations were too high. Sorry, dude. It's torturous to live like that. My wife was never satisifed with how much money I made, or how much attention I gave her (or didn't give her), or the sex apparently since she always complained about the sex no matter how much I tried to please her. It just makes you feel sub-human after too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Many people ~ men and women in modern Western society have un-realistic expectations, are way too absosrbed by any and all forms of media (magazines, movies, tv shows, fiction) And although I don't agree with its full content? I do agree with a lot of the following Marriage - Just Say No Marriage Crumbing Fast As A Western Institution It would seem to me based solely on my own personal experience that women almost are insistent upon being happy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Many people ~ men and women in modern Western society have un-realistic expectations, are way too absosrbed by any and all forms of media (magazines, movies, tv shows, fiction) And although I don't agree with its full content? I do agree with a lot of the following Marriage - Just Say No Marriage Crumbing Fast As A Western Institution It would seem to me based solely on my own personal experience that women almost are insistent upon being happy? Agreed. This culture is way too mich about needing "more" of everything. Perhaps I was too content, took things for granted but I had a rough go of things early in life and was happy to have achieved (what I considered to be) a happy marriage with two good jobs, two great kids, two cars, our own home and a couple of decent vacations each year. She came from a more aflluent family and the whole lot of them needed more of everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 It would seem to me based solely on my own personal experience that women almost are insistent upon being happy? I think people confuse the kind of happiness that gives them peace (deep down/spiritual/psychological) with the instant gratification that comes with having lots of possessions. For me, happiness is being secure in my marriage, knowing that despite the problems we have or our idiosyncracies, my husband loves me as his own. And that's saying a lot ... as for reasons why marriages fail? I'd say it's a combination of lack of communication between the couple and false expectations, with some failure to grow/bend as needed when issues arise. Much easier to hang on to your expectations and say the other person failed than it is to examine your conscience and say, "yeah ... I need to grow up, don't I?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Like I said in another thread people have completely lost touch with reality. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Like I said in another thread people have completely lost touch with reality. Funny to me how reality TV seems to have helped this along. I saw a study that suggested that people that watch reality TV are "meaner." Not sure about all that but it definitely struck a cord. My family used to all watch Survivor, Amazing Race and Big Brother together. I think those shows desensitize us to lying in general. Now I've had a long conversation with my kids about why I don't watch them anymore (although Amazing Race is a little better). BB and Survivor are pretty clear out the starting gate that the point is to lie your way (and betray alliances) to get money. After my W's affair, I was happy to teach them a lesson about not giving up your integrity and honesty for money. They agreed that you could just get a job instead and didn't disagree about not watching those shows at Dad's apartment. They don't know about my wife's affair but you can be damn sure I'll be teaching them lessons about honor, integrity, and honesty anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Funny to me how reality TV seems to have helped this along. I saw a study that suggested that people that watch reality TV are "meaner." Not sure about all that but it definitely struck a cord. My family used to all watch Survivor, Amazing Race and Big Brother together. I think those shows desensitize us to lying in general. Now I've had a long conversation with my kids about why I don't watch them anymore (although Amazing Race is a little better). BB and Survivor are pretty clear out the starting gate that the point is to lie your way (and betray alliances) to get money. After my W's affair, I was happy to teach them a lesson about not giving up your integrity and honesty for money. They agreed that you could just get a job instead and didn't disagree about not watching those shows at Dad's apartment. They don't know about my wife's affair but you can be damn sure I'll be teaching them lessons about honor, integrity, and honesty anyway. Amazing Race is a different reality show bread....the others deal with trying to be the last one which means making lies and not sticking to your word. As for the meaner...I think its more cynical....they are expecting games being played. The reasons for divorce is because people tend to change after marriage. Sometimes its natural as you get older but most of the time its because of unrealistic expectations. One of the biggest problems that leads to divorce is the strong attraction/sex drive at the start of the relationship. This dies down over time. When it does you start to look at what you married and you ignored faults of theirs that now drive you crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 to add to the discussion -- there's a sick preoccupation with youthfulness in our culture. Once youth has passed or is beginning to pass, there's an obsessive component in our culture about getting it back. We completely do not embrace our transitions with each passing year, nor do we accept the fact that our lives are limited and Love (the only thing) is what sustains us. So there's a cross-section of people (male and female) who figure that getting laid x-number of times by x-number of partners, or drinking like when they were younger, will somehow mask the inevitable march toward the grave. It's people like that who have difficulty with introspection, can't face their sadnesses and losses head-on...and therefore, ironically, inflict loss on others when they cut and run rather cruelly. My wife fits this category. Her introspection is merely a mirror of what others say, all tunneled toward self-validation...without pondering the deeper questions herself, and sifting through some of the unpleasant realities herself. If one person is like that in a relationship, it's deadly. The marriage is doomed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Gracefully surrender the things of youth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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