Recover from Being Played

[RebornSky]

I just want to thank everyone in advance. This has been kind of a difficult time for me, given the issues I'm about to address, and I've been frustrating myself and everyone around me with it, so I think I need to let it out here and get a fresh take (and just to cut it off, yes, therapy would be a good idea; working on it.) This is going to be a long story, so... very very thank you for reading.

 

About a year ago, I met someone. I met him in a nerdy setting, and he came across as a big dork (clarification: I love dorks), so I suppose it's my fault for assuming he was. He made moves physically very early on, but told me he didn't want a relationship.

 

I was all right with that at first. But after a little while, things seemed to get a little complicated. He started introducing me to his friends, we'd talk every day, hang out at least two or three times a week, spend the night at each other's places. I even met his parents.

 

After about 2 months, I decided that while I liked him, I wasn't going to be able to pursue a real relationship while we were doing a friends-with-benefits. I sat him down and told him that I understood he didn't want a relationship, so I thought we needed to just be friends so I could go find one. He told me that he thought we already were dating!

 

So, we made it official, and things were going along great. The more I got to know him, the more information came out that he was actually quite a player. He'd slept with nearly every girl (not dating someone else) in his social circle, including having a months-long FWB with his best friend.

 

I also found out that when he and I were first hanging out, he'd been sleeping with at least one other girl. His friends also informed me that I was the very first girlfriend of his they'd ever met, in the several years of knowing him. They'd met his "friends," but I was the first official one.

 

He originally lied to me about all this, but as the best friend got to know me, she encouraged him to come clean. He did... and I accepted it, because it'd all technically happened before we were official. As to him and the best friend, she and I had become good friends, and I completely trusted them. (Still do, she is an amazing person.)

 

Everything was really great for a while. We talked every day, the sex was great (fantastic for me, but I don't want to speak for him.) He was supportive and funny and probably the best boyfriend I've had. We had the usual relationship bumps, especially as this was his first one, but it was great for me.

 

Things got rough about a month before he dumped me. We'd been dating for about 6 months officially at that point. I found out he'd been sexting girls behind my back. He also lied to me about seeing a female friend. I offered an open relationship if he needed more variety, but he turned it down.

 

And then he dumped me. He told me that he really enjoyed our relationship, really liked me as a person, had tons of fun together, I got along with his friends, blah blah, but he just "didn't see a future."

 

I found out later he was in bed with someone else inside of 2 days. I cut off contact after I saw him all over FB, talking about what a fantastic life he had, how awesome everything was, how happy he was.

 

Eventually I opened the door again to be friends. At first he seemed receptive, just like chatting online. Then all of a sudden he went dark... took days to respond to my messages, was very evasive. This was because he was with yet another girl. He'll still talk to me online, but he won't hang out with me unless there are other people around.

 

All right, so that's the complicated background. What's messing me up is...

 

I really didn't realize what a player he was. How could I have missed it? And if this guy, who is a cute-but-not-Adonis, early 30's, underemployed guy is a player but doesn't seem it... can I really trust ANY guy?

 

More importantly, how can I trust myself again? Yeah, all right, this guy is a player... but what kills me especially is he dated me, but seems to give not a damn about me. I spent 8 months on a guy who wouldn't notice or cared if I died.

 

And I don't even know why. Why did he date me, out of the dozens of other girls? Why did he suddenly dump me?

 

What's also worse is, all of the other girls he's slept with... he's stayed friends with them, and at some point he's tried to re-seduce them. But he hasn't tried that with me. He doesn't even want to bother trying an NSA arrangement with me.

 

I can only figure that means he dumped me because I'm ugly. Ugly looks wise? Ugly personality? I don't know. It certainly is true he can get hotter.... his last two conquests have been 19, and 23.

 

How can I ever trust guys again, when it seems like even the nice ones are players? How can I trust that I have a good relationship, when I suddenly get dumped/cheated on out of the blue? Something must have been wrong with me for him to break it off... but he won't tell me, so I don't even know what lessons I can learn from it. (He doesn't even tell his friends, all of whom thought he was a moron for leaving me.)

 

And the fact that he doesn't even care. That I'm just a stranger to him... the ONE girl he isn't interested in sleeping with.

 

I know it's dumb but... I thought I was special. I thought I could trust my gut, to trust HIM. I thought he cared about me. Like, all right, maybe not romantically anymore, but he doesn't seem to care at all.

 

And I was wrong about all of it. How do you recover from being so wrong, and with so much damage?

[Pirouette]

About a year ago, I met someone. I met him in a nerdy setting, and he came across as a big dork (clarification: I love dorks), so I suppose it's my fault for assuming he was. He made moves physically very early on, but told me he didn't want a relationship.

 

Hi there. First of all, I'm sorry to read about your loss. Don't forget that it is a loss and that it is natural and understandable that you grieve and feel adrift.

 

Does he like dorky things? Does he do dorky things? If the answer to these two questions are 'Yes', then he is a dork and you weren't wrong. The error is in thinking that a dork can't also like casual sex or only want flings. He was upfront about not wanting a 'relationship'

so I don't think you can fault him there.

 

I was all right with that at first...

After about 2 months, I decided that while I liked him, I wasn't going to be able to pursue a real relationship while we were doing a friends-with-benefits...

 

So, we made it official, and things were going along great.

To me, this is an instance that shows that when it comes to communicating about the relationship and his true feelings/state of mind, he's not very forthcoming. He set the tone originally for your interactions, and you agreed. Then when you began to change your mind, you rightly sat him down to discuss, and his answer was, "Yeah I already changed my mind a long time ago." The problem is he didn't sit you down to discuss it.

 

The more I got to know him, the more information came out that he was actually quite a player. He'd slept with nearly every girl (not dating someone else) in his social circle, including having a months-long FWB with his best friend.

 

I also found out that when he and I were first hanging out, he'd been sleeping with at least one other girl. His friends also informed me that I was the very first girlfriend of his they'd ever met, in the several years of knowing him. They'd met his "friends," but I was the first official one.

This to me shows that he has trouble with sexual intimacy, that he has an almost pathological need to sleep with every female he encounters. I almost don't want to call him a player, because that would involve playing people, and if it's all on the table, then it's not that. Promiscuous?

 

Anyway, sleeping with his best friend strikes me as the most odd. I mean, if she truly is a best friend with everything that the title really means, and he's attracted to her sexually, that there is all most people need for a loving, committed relationship. So why did that situation not evolve there?

 

He originally lied to me about all this, but as the best friend got to know me, she encouraged him to come clean. He did... and I accepted it, because it'd all technically happened before we were official. As to him and the best friend, she and I had become good friends, and I completely trusted them. (Still do, she is an amazing person.)

Lied, or kept it to himself? Since you were newly dating, and it's not like there's a rule about disclosing all this information right away or even ever, it does matter how it all went down. If he did actively lie to you, that's another clear sign that something is quite wrong within him.

 

Everything was really great for a while. We talked every day, the sex was great (fantastic for me, but I don't want to speak for him.) He was supportive and funny and probably the best boyfriend I've had. We had the usual relationship bumps, especially as this was his first one, but it was great for me.

From everything you've said, he has a group friends and knows how to be one. So in essence, for you he did all the things a good friend is supposed to do, and he used his experience to make things good for you in the bedroom, which is how it should be.

 

Things got rough about a month before he dumped me. We'd been dating for about 6 months officially at that point. I found out he'd been sexting girls behind my back. He also lied to me about seeing a female friend. I offered an open relationship if he needed more variety, but he turned it down.

This is a flashing red sign! Be honest, would you really be ok and satisfied with an open relationship? If you are and if that's something you'd really want, where you would also see other guys, then you should have suggested that before. If you're just saying that as an attempt to keep him with you, then you are doing yourself a great disservice and this relationship would have imploded even if he did take you up on it. Most relationships cannot withstand backward steps like this anyway.

 

Sexting? Seeing another woman behind your back? Lying? Not sterling character references here. If he wants to see someone else, fine; be upfront about it. Instead he acted the immature coward. This is another instance that proves that he is terrible when it comes to communicating when it comes to the relationship.

 

And I'm sorry, by giving him this out after he lied to you and betrayed you, you're showing him that it's ok for him to disrespect you.

 

And then he dumped me. He told me that he really enjoyed our relationship, really liked me as a person, had tons of fun together, I got along with his friends, blah blah, but he just "didn't see a future."

Did you ask why he didn't see a future? When he came to this conclusion? Why he couldn't just own up to it instead of skulking around like a coward? Did you ask him what hole he thought he could fill by sleeping with multiple people, how'd that work for him in the past, and what kind of future he saw in that?

 

I found out later he was in bed with someone else inside of 2 days. I cut off contact after I saw him all over FB, talking about what a fantastic life he had, how awesome everything was, how happy he was.

So he's an attention whore. And if he was sleeping with someone so soon, he likely laid the foundation earlier. And he so clearly wants everyone (you) to know how fine and awesome a life he has that he has to post it on the tablet of truth, Facebook.

 

Eventually I opened the door again to be friends. At first he seemed receptive, just like chatting online. Then all of a sudden he went dark... took days to respond to my messages, was very evasive. This was because he was with yet another girl. He'll still talk to me online, but he won't hang out with me unless there are other people around.

You shouldn't want to be friends with him. Ask yourself why you want to.

 

I really didn't realize what a player he was. How could I have missed it? And if this guy, who is a cute-but-not-Adonis, early 30's, underemployed guy is a player but doesn't seem it... can I really trust ANY guy?

Promiscuous people come in all shapes and forms, from all walks of life. Likely, they're all pretty charming and good at making quick, easy connections with people where they seem like good, fun people. And honestly, you didn't miss it. You started to hear about it from the beginning. You also agreed to a casual, no relationship, relationship at the beginning.

 

Of course you can trust a guy, when his words and actions over a sizeable length of time prove that he can be. Until then, maintain a mindset of cheeful caution. This guy gave you plenty of instances that should have pinged your suspicions, and you should have called him out on them.

 

More importantly, how can I trust myself again? Yeah, all right, this guy is a player... but what kills me especially is he dated me, but seems to give not a damn about me. I spent 8 months on a guy who wouldn't notice or cared if I died.

Trust yourself by not putting blinders on. Evaluate the situation for what it really is and tell the guy so. Be clear about what you are and are not willing to accept, and walk away when it's not acceptable.

 

I don't know if he gives a damn about you now. From his history, even though I've never met him, I'd say he has trouble giving a real damn about any woman. And since he was bad about communicating about your relationship, he likely decided it was over long before he got around to telling you about it, and he was able to pull any feelings he had back well before he said it's over.

 

And I don't even know why. Why did he date me, out of the dozens of other girls? Why did he suddenly dump me?

 

What's also worse is, all of the other girls he's slept with... he's stayed friends with them, and at some point he's tried to re-seduce them. But he hasn't tried that with me. He doesn't even want to bother trying an NSA arrangement with me.

You'll probably never get these answers from him. The dumpee hardly ever does. He seems shallow mentally, so he probably couldn't even answer them himself.

 

Look, you're situation was different. Don't be surprised that the fallout is different too. You want him to try to stay friends with you? To try and get in your pants again when it suits him? To me that would be so disrespectful, and so minimizing of the relationship to put it on the same level as all his previous flings. Be glad that he isn't putting you through the ringer some more. Maybe he has a bit of a conscience or some fear where you're concerned.

 

I can only figure that means he dumped me because I'm ugly. Ugly looks wise? Ugly personality? I don't know. It certainly is true he can get hotter.... his last two conquests have been 19, and 23.

But he didn't date those 19s and 23s. He dumped you because in the end the relationship wasn't something that he wanted. That's all you can know for sure. He dated you for those months because he liked your looks and personality then. That's also all you can know about that.

 

Feelings change, perspectives change, all the time. You didn't work out. A lot of relationships don't. Doesn't mean that those people become unfit for relationships or that there is something inherently wrong with them.

 

How can I ever trust guys again, when it seems like even the nice ones are players? How can I trust that I have a good relationship, when I suddenly get dumped/cheated on out of the blue? Something must have been wrong with me for him to break it off... but he won't tell me, so I don't even know what lessons I can learn from it. (He doesn't even tell his friends, all of whom thought he was a moron for leaving me.)

Trust needs to be built. And you need to realistic about what a person's actions and words really mean. This wasn't out of the blue. If he cheats, then there is something wrong with him. Good people don't cheat and lie. If most people are honest with themselves, getting dumped and getting cheated on rarely comes out of nowhere. There are warning signs.

 

From all this, I'd conclude that there is something wrong with his relationship with sex and intimacy, and his mental maturity. You also need to look at your own behaviour and mindset throughout the whole thing and understand why you acted the way you did and why you were willing to make the concessions you did to your own detriment.

 

And the fact that he doesn't even care. That I'm just a stranger to him... the ONE girl he isn't interested in sleeping with.

 

I know it's dumb but... I thought I was special. I thought I could trust my gut, to trust HIM. I thought he cared about me. Like, all right, maybe not romantically anymore, but he doesn't seem to care at all.

 

And I was wrong about all of it. How do you recover from being so wrong, and with so much damage?

When relationships end, the dumpee has usually checked out long ago, and it's easy for them to pull away completely. If it wasn't, they'd probably stay in the relationship, wouldn't they?

 

Romantic relationships change the friendship. Realistically, you can't go back, and that's why it just ends. It doesn't mean that everything that came before wasn't real. Just that it's over.

 

You recover mostly because you are human, and humans are resilient. It hurts to be betrayed, to be disappointed, to have our feelings rejected. Those hurts can stay with you for a long time. Hopefully though, it will lessen, when the wounds aren't quite so raw, when you can look back and reflect and see the situation with more dispassionate eyes.

 

You are human and you make mistakes. He is human too, also prone to disaster. The winner in this situation is the one who can grow and learn from this. It could be both of you, but if it has to be one, make sure it's you.

Edited July 29, 2012 by Pirouette