S called me back....

[Stoneman70]

So we talked...and she says why didn't I say goodbye...I told her I couldn't..we talked and she acted like there was no love left..I told her I wanted her to know why I left...she seems angry..

 

She said don't call her anymore and I said I love you and she said nothing. I said i know you love me and her response is I know but I'm married...she just kept saying I'm married ok I have to go, just wanted to know why you called...

 

So she said have a nice life, wish you the best......

 

So..I'm heartbroken, but feel better afterlife talking. Now I have closure I guess...and hopefully so does she..

[woinlove]

So we talked...and she says why didn't I say goodbye...I told her I couldn't..we talked and she acted like there was no love left..I told her I wanted her to know why I left...she seems angry..

 

She said don't call her anymore and I said I love you and she said nothing. I said i know you love me and her response is I know but I'm married...she just kept saying I'm married ok I have to go, just wanted to know why you called...

 

So she said have a nice life, wish you the best......

 

So..I'm heartbroken, but feel better afterlife talking. Now I have closure I guess...and hopefully so does she..

 

Just focus on "don't call me anymore" and "I'm married", and that should help you move on. I also told xMM not to call me anymore and he didn't listen and it made me think less of him.

[Stoneman70]

Yes, I know...

 

It's just hurtful when I asked her do you love me...she said I love my husband..

 

She never said she didn't love me. She never said no I don't love you. I told her I will always love you and she said ok. Why can't she admit she loves me? If she didn't wouldn't she say I don't love you anymore? Why would she call me back if she didnt care? Wouldn't she just delete the number?

 

I know its over forever, but I hate how she is lying to me..she kept saying I'm married like I'm so stupid and didn't know...

 

I'm wondering why I even called her. She was so cold to me...but when I said I know you still love me, she says I know, but I'm married.

 

The love can't be gone...its just her way to get ovet us....I wish I never called her now....

 

[Stoneman70]

What do you think of her response? I'm so confused

[woinlove]

I would not say "I don't love you" unless the other person insisted. Saying "I love my husband" in response to the other person declaring their love amounts to "I don't love you" but is not as blunt.

 

Did S used to say she loved you? If so, I would say she has decided that she doesn't love you. I did it myself with a MM. I had really intense infatuation feelings, exactly as one feels when one first has the in-love feelings, but it never matured into anything like real love and after we were separated and I could reflect and compare my feelings to real love, it was completely obvious that I did not love MM, I was simply attracted and infatuated at the time. I had told him I loved him, and I thought I did at the time, but I didn't really, I was just caught up with infatuation and it felt good. He kept calling, kept telling me he loved me, and I would just be silent. I never told him I didn't love him, but I didn't.

 

I can see now, with how you write, it was probably hard on him. But, really, the guy was married to another woman, so I found it irritating to have keep calling me after I said I was done. I didn't want to hear about his "love". In the end, I was rude to him to just get him to stop pestering me.

 

It's easy to mix up infatuation with love in the early stages (at least if one hasn't gone through this a number of times already) and if you don't get to a more serious stage, which is common when you are committed elsewhere and only have a few months, then it is often only after things are over that the difference becomes apparent.

[hermione08]

I will never for the life of me understand how can a person insist they are in love with someone and then stay married to someone else. It is insulting to your spouse, to the marriage institution and to love itself.

[Stoneman70]

Yes, she would tell me she loved me all the time...we both said it all the time.

 

I know its over and I must accept it. I just wish we could both say I love u but it can't work so we have to say goodbye...

 

When I said I know you love me, she said I know, but im married which I know means that she does but can't allow herself to reminisce because we can't be together. I know that in order to get over someone sometimes u have to put ferlings behind you even if they are still there.

 

Knowing that we can't be together (she said on the phone, when I said I love you, she said , what can I do? Since we are both married)..I think I will heal quicker.

 

I'm just hurt, she felt she had to say over and over, I'm married. I'm married too. Its like she forgot.

 

Why did she call me back if she hates me so much apparently???

[Stoneman70]

I'm so frustrated she called back to say "im married"

 

I'm so angry at her....I hope this helps my feelings fade fast.

[East7]

Stone,

 

be a man and pull back !

 

She is in the (what I call) self-convincing stage. She is feeling guilty and trying hard to convince herself that she loves her husband. She wouldn't have an affair with you if she really loved her H to begin with..

 

My xMW went through that stage at the end of the A and then came back all in love. No woman would easily get over an A and the OM. It is a constant with all what I have read, seen and heard from life experience.

 

She had some reasons to stay, maybe the same as yours. She was as coward to leave as you are, so don't judge her. You two are the reflect of each-other. You can't easily tear a marriage even if it isn't happy. People consider a marriage as a crucial achievement of their lives so they are too hesitating to leave when it comes to make hard choices.

 

She is still into you, unless she wouldn't be angry and call you back. She may as well love you, but she has made a choice (as much as you have) and that is the bottomline.

 

What do you expect her to tell you? Seriously...What if she told you, "Stoneman I love you"..so what ? What difference does it make. At the end of the day she is laying in a warm bed besides her H and you are there lost and confused.

Be and adult and focus on your own life and marriage as she doesn't care what your plans are, she is making plans with her H.

 

Sorry to being harsh, but I want to shake you sometimes

[Stoneman70]

East, thank you for your reply. I needed a man's perspective..and thank you everyone for your help these past 3 months.

 

It had been hellish.

[whichwayisup]

So we talked...and she says why didn't I say goodbye...I told her I couldn't..we talked and she acted like there was no love left..I told her I wanted her to know why I left...she seems angry..

 

She said don't call her anymore and I said I love you and she said nothing. I said i know you love me and her response is I know but I'm married...she just kept saying I'm married ok I have to go, just wanted to know why you called...

 

So she said have a nice life, wish you the best......

 

So..I'm heartbroken, but feel better afterlife talking. Now I have closure I guess...and hopefully so does she..

 

Let this now begin your true grieving process so you can let go and heal. She doesn't want to hear from you again, so I really hope you respect that and leave her alone. She chose her marriage, you chose yours.

[frozensprouts]

op,

i know this may sound harsh, but it sounds almost as if you are projecting your feelings on to S, and assuming that she feels the same way about you that you do about her....

 

but remember...her situation sounds much different than yours, and you can't make the assumptions that her reality is the same as your own...her marriage is different than yours, and for whatever reason, she chose it and not you...she didn't leave her husband to be with you...somewhere, she's likely pretending to her husband that all is well in their marriage

 

yes, she may "love" you, she may have told you that...but consider this...she may well also be telling her husband that she "loves" him... she was probably telling him that while she was cheating on him with you- if so, then what does "love" really mean to her anyway?

 

from everything you write, it sounds like you had so much more invested in your relationship with her than she did...she may well have called you for a couple of reasons, some major ones being that she wanted to say her final "goodbye", she was afraid your trying to contact her would "out" her affair to her husband and she wants you to not contact her again, she feels guilt over you being hurt, etc.

 

Perhaps it's time to shift your focus and to stop pining for what will never be...otherwise, you risk getting stuck in the past and never living in the present...

 

if S ever loved you at all, she'd want you to be happy and not sad thinking of her all the time, stagnating and stuck...

[Stoneman70]

Thanks everyone.

 

I'm just so confused as to why she even called me back at all. If she had no feelings, then she wouldnt have called back ....I wouldn't have called her if i didn't still have feelings..and to tell me things I already know?

 

I will say her calling me back was good for me. I do feel closure.

[hurting tonight]

Best wishes to you.

[MissBee]

Yes, I know...

 

It's just hurtful when I asked her do you love me...she said I love my husband..

 

She never said she didn't love me. She never said no I don't love you. I told her I will always love you and she said ok. Why can't she admit she loves me? If she didn't wouldn't she say I don't love you anymore? Why would she call me back if she didnt care? Wouldn't she just delete the number?

I know its over forever, but I hate how she is lying to me..she kept saying I'm married like I'm so stupid and didn't know...

 

I'm wondering why I even called her. She was so cold to me...but when I said I know you still love me, she says I know, but I'm married.

 

The love can't be gone...its just her way to get ovet us....I wish I never called her now....

 

 

Hey Stone,

 

I understand how you must feel...but the bolded reminds me of the thread you had about why some MM don't leave and some of the responses, mainly the idea that most people don't really feel that simply loving someone is enough. It seems like your MW sees no point in reminiscing about love and saying she loves you, since you both have chosen to stay married. It makes sense. Why prolong the hurt and fantasy, in essence, by professing love to a man you're not going to be with and who isn't going to be with you?

 

I'm sure she's struggling as well, but she seems to have made a choice and wants to stick by it. Having feelings and struggling with the end of a relationship, even ones you want to end, is normal. She says she loves her husband...you have to listen and accept that. You've been super focused on the love this whole journey (based on what I see in your posts)....yet I guess I am confused. Even if the love isn't gone right...what does it matter? Would you have felt better if she had said: "I love you Stoneman...but I love my husband, please don't call me again"? I guess I don't see the difference, or how it would have been helpful if she had said she loved you, if in the end, whether she says so or not, she will be with her husband and you will also continue being with your wife.

 

You say you've gotten closure. I hope so. I hope you use this conversation...not as a means to obsess about if she still loves you or has feelings (as it doesn't matter since you both are going to continue being with others), but as a means to realize you had your time, it's ended and you need to find happiness in your own marriage or make a change versus live in the fantasy of what was forever.

Edited July 30, 2012 by MissBee

[Mount]

I am sorry you feel confused:sick: but I think you are obsessing too much on this past relationship with her.

 

Not sure what you do for work or hobbies as I am not on this website very long, guess you have to keep yourself busier and busier in order to move on.

[Emme]

I will say her calling me back was good for me. I do feel closure.

 

Maybe this was what you needed. Everyone is different. I hope you will be focusing on healing and moving on with your choice. You have made the choice of being with your wife and I hope you stay honest and true to it.

 

That phone call should put an end to all the why's and what if's. Make the choice that she will no longer be your focus. It will be hard but it's time to not look back. In life you can't have everything you want and you should come to terms with the fact that she can't be yours. Stay positive and try not to let that phone call set you back. Keep moving forward.

[Happyface]

I really think you should listen to what she said and heed it.

 

She has told you all you need to know. You now, just need to accept it.

 

That's the hard bit, but I think she has given you your marching orders in no uncertain terms.

 

Leave her alone and let her get on with her marriage.

 

Did she love you, still want you??? it doesn't make any difference now. If she's done with you, that's it.

 

Keep posting

Happyface.

[happyme]

Hello again Stoneman... I am not surprised you called her, or that she called you back. I am fully aware of how you've been struggling over the past months and as you know I am one of the few who says you did the right thing by leaving. She was never going to leave her husband imo so you leaving the country was the best choice.

 

However, this calling back of hers does not mean she still loves you. If she did she would have said so, better still she would have left her husband to be with you. Certainly she wouldn't have kept repeating that she loves her husband. Listen to her: she's telling you the truth and you are denying it.

 

Re her calling you back I would say she was probably curious, perhaps worried about something coming out and threatening her marriage. Stoneman, I am sorry, but please realise that this woman WANTS to stay in her marriage. Why? I do not know, but it's not because of the children as there are none. For finanical security? If so, would you actually want such a materialistic woman? Or because she genuinely loves her husband? What do you feel Stoneman?

 

I am fully aware that you would have gone against your culture and family and left your arranged marriage for S had she been willing. She wasn't.

 

That's the bottom line. She does not come from the same culture as you and marriage for her is more a matter of choice than convention. It is her choice to stay with her husband because, as she told you clearly, she loves him.

 

You are projecting your feelings on to her and making a whole load of assumptions which are not being reflected back at you in her behaviour. The result being you're confused... the square doesn't fit the circle, and it never will....

 

Stoneman, she may have enjoyed what you two had. No doubt it was flattering and fun for her, but you need to come to terms with the fact that she wants, she chooses.... to live her life with her husband, who she says she loves. Not out of convention or family expectation or concern for her children but because that is how she feels. She loves him, not you.

 

She's angry with you for reminding her of her recent behavior which she wants to put firmly in the past. Stoneman, she wants to move on. I've been very understanding of your plight so far but if you don't now open your eyes and see the truth, you will be hurting yourself more and for longer...

 

Why didn't she just say she doesn't love you anymore? Because it takes guts to be that blunt. Her cold attitude, on the other hand, should tell you enough.

 

By all means be angry... it's understandable and justified. Did she play you? Well, yeah. A hard pill to swallow, I know, but the fact is you were willing to make massive moves to be with her while she, clearly, wasn't. Open your eyes and see.....

 

As always, I wish you the very best...

[Gotti25]

Ok so why would you call her? It seems like your still trapped in her game! This woman sounds like a real bitch calling her OM telling you she's in love with her H kind of ridiculous! I think the person she is in love with is herself & the fact her husband is tolerating this behavior after she's still in contact with you shows there is something wrong with him personally & her! Stoneman ignore her is the best thing to do eventually it will stop & you will be much happier!

[Owl]

Thanks everyone.

 

I'm just so confused as to why she even called me back at all. If she had no feelings, then she wouldnt have called back ....I wouldn't have called her if i didn't still have feelings..and to tell me things I already know?

 

I will say her calling me back was good for me. I do feel closure.

 

You keep going on with this...with asking folks "why she said xxx".

 

She TOLD you...it's over, don't call her back.

 

What's confusing about that message????

 

What don't you get about "it's over"???

 

You got the message she wanted you to get, that you needed to hear...focus on this. IT'S OVER.

 

Now...focus on the REST of your life.

[RickFox]

The bottom line is IT SIMPLY DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE.

 

As someone once told me, you can drive yourself mad with trying to find a reason into why they did what they did but the fact is IT'S OVER MAN!

 

She placated you, just because she told you she loved you during the A doesn't mean she truly truly did and now she says "I know" but that was said to shut you up.

 

The words that matter are 'Im married' and 'leave me alone.' You were a moment. Stop looking for meaning when whatever meaning was there is no longer there, she's done with you and THAT is the bottom line, now be done with her and let it go.

[Stoneman70]

I'm still reeling from our conversation and I know it is completely over. I know what we had though too and it was a great 7 months together, albeit stressful. I love het always and i said goodbye as did she...so I am starting to really heal. It may be on mind a lot, but I know we both did the right thing in the end. We weren't meant to be.

[woinlove]

I'm still reeling from our conversation and I know it is completely over. I know what we had though too and it was a great 7 months together, albeit stressful. I love het always and i said goodbye as did she...so I am starting to really heal. It may be on mind a lot, but I know we both did the right thing in the end. We weren't meant to be.

 

I always say that after the A ends, you can think whatever you want to about the other person's feelings since it doesn't matter and you can't know for sure. However, I think it may be more helpful to think about the choices you made and the control you do have, rather than thinking it "wasn't meant to be". The latter makes you sound like a victim. You are not a victim, you are a person who made choices, to have an affair, to leave your AP, and to stay married. If you regret the staying married part, you can change that. You will never know how S will react to you being free and single unless you try it. Most likely, she will not be interested, but there is a chance she might be. The choice is up to you.

 

On the other hand, if you don't regret deciding to stay married and giving your AP a pass, then you can choose to embrace that as your choice. It is not so much what is meant to be as what you chose to make it. You can choose your M, choose divorce, choose S. Your W and S may make their own choices, which limit yours, but that is not "what is meant to be", that is them making their own choices.

 

Don't be so passive. You are a grown man with free will and can make your life what you want it to be. Recognize your own power and don't act like you have no control over your own life.

[hermione08]

I totally quote woinlove.

But, from what I have read of stoneman's posts, he seems to be the type that will always talk romantically about something and yet passively stay in a situation that he deems unchangeable.

Nothing is unchangeable, I know people who have defied terrible odds to change their lives.

At least, if you think you haven't got the guts to change yours, try to embrace it and make a go of it. You only have one life, it's not a dress rehearsal, it's the real deal.