Coping with the family I'm marrying into

[RiverRunning]

We experienced a bit of tension a few months ago when his mother meddled in our relationship (I mentioned on Facebook that I had gotten a call from a job in Chicago. She concluded that this meant I was breaking up with him and moving to Chicago, so she called him and asked him to come over so they could 'discuss' it).

 

I don't know if she fully knows that I know. I had to see her the next day after that alone, and the tension was palpable. Since then, she hasn't invited me out again. I'm kind of happy about it on the one hand: that means less of her crap that I'll have to deal with, less worrying about 'slipping up' and saying the wrong thing to her.

 

On the other, I know well that outsiders get gossiped about. Every time we're around his family, I feel like it's another way for them to feel better about themselves (mom and sister don't work; not educated. While I don't care about those things, I've noticed that folks who don't have a degree are VERY threatened if it comes up that I have one. I live in an area where less than a fifth of the population has an associate's degree or above).

 

After his sister got married, she got her kicks by patronizing me by talking about how she needed to 'train' me to be a good wife to her brother, etc. Wouldn't be so bad if she weren't constantly a passive-aggressive wench. I can see it now: now that she's expecting her first child, that's all I'll ever hear about. If I have a kid of my own, I have a feeling his entire family will be over my shoulder, trying to orchestrate my every move in caring for my own kid.

 

"I'm such a great mom, I use/do x. What do you use/do, RiverRunning? Oh, that's inferior, and let me tell you why..." I kid you not, she has done this to me several times. Not about kids...yet.

 

Thankfully, she lives far away. But now that she's having a kid, we're going to have to see her more often.

 

It gets to be intolerable knowing that his mom and sister hate me. There was once when he was Skyping with his mom and sister, and I was in the room - they didn't know it (wasn't spying, just didn't feel like talking). They brought me up, wanting to know if I would be moving with him if he got a house, and just the way they mentioned me was very uncomfortable. The sort of thing where it was obvious that they had been talking about me.

 

The whole family dynamic focuses around pleasing my boyfriend's sister and making sure she's happy and coddled 24/7. She threw a temper tantrum and sent me a bunch of passive-aggressive texts/messages on Facebook when we scheduled an event to occur about 4 months after her kid's birth.

 

I almost get the feeling that his sister's jealous of me, and that's why everything winds up being so incredibly miserable. She's not very attractive - as for myself, I'm barely average myself - but I have lost a significant amount of weight in the last year. She lost about 5 pounds, then got pregnant. I've noticed that if I upload pictures on-line (and it's not something that happens often), she's the first to comment on it.

 

Sort of that thing where a person's constantly saying, "You look good! You look great!" and behind your back, going to their friends with whispers of, "I don't know who she thinks she is, but she still looks awful!" She's just that type of person.

 

I also get the impression that she feels threatened about us getting married. We've discussed trying for kids soon after we marry (not entirely sure on that one yet). But when such a discussion came up once in front of his family, his MOTHER immediately scolded me with, "You guys need to be married for a few years before you have kids."

 

By the way that they all talk and act...it felt to me like they wanted to keep the spotlight solely on their daughter. Our wedding was a biiiig ordeal because his sister basically wanted us to postpone it for more than a year after her kid's birth. Somehow, everything goes back to being all about her.

 

My boyfriend has stuck up for me and has stood his ground in various situations. But how do I deal with it? His sister is so passive-aggressive to me (she knows how to do it under the radar: when no one else is listening/watching).

 

We are going to be visiting them and I'm dreading it. Five straight days with them. Not to mention the time they're spending with us. I try to stick to neutral topics as much as possible.

 

Should I just flatter her and ask endless questions about her baby? At the same time, I'm worrying that might open me up to endless bashing and patronizing conversations of, "Have you ever changed a diaper before? Five times? Well, I've changed diapers SIX times..."

 

Do I get drunk before I have to deal with these people? Help. :/

 

Topics of neutral conversation and coping strategies for these longer visits are much appreciated. I avoid giving away anything personal about myself, as I know they all just gossip about it and it's used against me later on.

[usernamecrazy]

Eeesh. Marrying into this is not going to be easy. I know from experience what it can be like to deal with in-laws like this. I would say that the most important thing is that your boyfriend recognizes that they are a problem, you said that he has stuck up for you so that is a good sign. But it is more than likely you guys will find yourselves in stupid fights about his family throughout your relationship.

 

Other than sticking to neutral topics like you already try to I would just grin and bear it but only if you feel your boyfriend is worth it. In-laws are just one of those ****ty things that get in the way of happiness.

[RiverRunning]

If we had to deal with them more often, it would be such a huge strain on the relationship that I'd just leave. On average, we probably see his parents about twice a month for an hour or two at a time. Every now and then, we see them for longer.

 

His sister lives several hundred miles away (do I have a guardian angel or what?) I was worried because her husband ended up getting another job...and I was terrified that it was here. Nope. Still out there. She's such a love-hate type that if she lived here, she'd probably be up my butt all the time. "You wanna go out? You wanna do x?" and I'd have to come up with more and more excuses...and look worse and worse.

 

Before she got pregnant, we contacted his sister MAYBE once a month. It's picked up a little more lately - like once a week...

 

The best I can do is skip as many of his on-line talks with her as possible. Make an appearance every then and again and let him do most of the talking.

 

I have blocked all other communication with them on-line. They can leave messages on my Facebook wall, and they can see SOME of the pictures I upload. That's it (I wish I COULD just remove them as 'friends.' But I added them back when I thought they were nice, interesting people).

 

I think if they ask me anything about my personal life, careers, etc., I'm just going to go with the standard, "Oh, everything's going great, I'm very happy." Stonewall 'em.

 

I can survive a week or so of interacting with them. When we visit them, we plan to go off for a day or two on our own. If she's being a wench, it'll be a nice opportunity to recharge.

 

I might ask my boyfriend to do most of the talking whenever we visit them. I might just stick with the baby and incur whatever patronizing wrath that follows. At least that's a safe topic that gives up nothing of myself, but seems genuine enough to discuss.

[RiverRunning]

Ugh, this whole thing is heating up.

 

So, future SIL's husband (I guess my future BIL...ugh) was spreading around one of those "boys shack up, men get married" things and we were talking on Skype.

 

They did the traditional relationship route, which is fine. We have not. I expressed my disagreement in a friendly way about the shacking up thing: "I agree with most aspects of 'men do this,' but I do disagree with the idea that only men get married. Anybody can get married, just like anyone can live together, and I think it's the reasons why people choose to do those things that determine whether or not they're 'men' or 'boys.'" He got very aggressive and said, "Of course, someone takes it out of context."

 

I found an excuse to get out of the conversation. They are coming to stay with us for two nights, on the eve of her baby shower, next week. We are supposed to fly to their state and stay with them for about a week in September.

 

I feel like this has been a long pattern of abuse from my boyfriend's sister and husband, as well as his mom. Sent the BIL more than $100 when he found out he had testicular cancer. He called my boyfriend to thank us - but even knowing I was in the room, never asked to speak to me over the course of 20 or 30 minutes. The only time he acknowledged the gift was several months later when I contacted him about something else on Facebook.

 

In the past, when talking to this guy, and this was not something I realized until the 'shacking up' conversation earlier, but he does have a habit of shutting down dissenting opinions, no matter how politely stated, as quickly and rudely as possible. He's very abrasive and condescending.

 

I don't know if it's a combination of insecurity and immaturity or what. It's to the point that I don't even like to talk to him, really - I'll usually just focus on something else or quickly drift over to talking to future SIL (who isn't much of a candidate for conversation, either). But even if I'm talking to her, he'll interrupt sometimes to 'correct' me (even if she and I are just talking about, say, some product we like to use, he'll butt in with, 'Oh no, I wouldn't use x, RiverRunning, because of x, y and z').

 

After the conversation we had earlier - to be honest, I am really surprised that a grown man would get THAT offended over an opinion that was very polite and non-personal - I told my boyfriend that I really do not want to go on the trip to see them. I feel as though I am not welcome, and the only reason I'd be going is because they don't want to tell him that I'm not welcome.

 

It's also not comfortable being in a household where God forbid I say something even slightly off. Not even just political opinions, but ANYTHING. I usually am very non-confrontational and obliging, but I can't stand for being corrected over stupid stuff again and again in the course of a conversation. It has a chilling effect. It's not like I'm sitting here spitting out absurdities - I might mention a year something happened, and he's continually butting in to correct me.

 

Not to mention future SIL has the listening and reading comprehension of a toddler. I can say something as benign as, "We'll get a wedding registry just so we don't get 70 people buying us toasters," and she will seriously respond with (this did happen), "Oh silly, that won't happen. When you buy something on the registry, it gets taken off." ...And things like this happen more often than I care to admit. The end result is that I end up looking bad for more serious things because she completely doesn't understand what I'm saying.

 

I've considered going with my boyfriend for a few days to visit them, then flying home under the pretense of having to get back to work. I don't know what I could possibly do to avoid them for the most part when they come for two days.

 

I just started to ask myself - why do I put up with this abuse? Why tolerate it? I got furious with myself earlier, looking into a closet I've filled with $300 worth of baby clothes, toys, items, etc. for SIL's new baby. I'm only doing it for my future niece, but the more generous I am to these people, the angrier I feel with myself.

 

I have always been (with the exception of disagreeing with the shacking up statement) agreeable, polite, hospitable. I serve them food and drinks when they come to stay. I talk to them (mostly about neutral subjects), ask them how they are, etc. I show interest, appreciation. If they buy anything for us while we're here, I thank them.

 

The only thing I can think of otherwise that has made me an enemy of his sister's is a few years back, when the subject got to cheating. I mentioned that I would have to break up with someone who cheated on me. Turns out future SIL cheated on future BIL when they were just dating.

 

I never cast a moral judgment on her, like, "Oh, he should've dumped you," but just expressed my own boundary in that regard. Maybe she somehow turned it into a "RiverRunning told me I'm a slut because I cheated" thing.

 

I'm supposed to keep track of who gives her what at her baby shower. I thought about trying to find an excuse not to be home on Wednesday and Thursday, even at night (her shower is on Friday), then spending the day with them on Friday. I can't think of anything.

 

I'm afraid that the longer I'm in contact with these people, the greater the chances I will slip up and say something that will later be used as ammo against me, or I will end up losing my patience and saying something that I will regret.

 

Visiting them for an entire week would be the making for a perfect storm with a passive-aggressive SIL like mine (i.e., when she wasn't happy about the date for our wedding, she literally told me, 'let us know the date if we're even invited.' Seriously. And tried to play it off like a joke).

 

But what can I do to get out of it? It upset my boyfriend when I told him I didn't want to go. I never said that HE couldn't go and I know that it will look bad, but I think that if I go, it will be even worse. I will be miserable, uncomfortable and afraid for an entire week. I could do 3 days, but understand that's not fair to him to cut a visit with his family short.

 

I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't at this point. They don't like me and no amount of kindness, politeness, and gift-giving has seemed to convince them to budge. How many other options do I have?

[freestyle]

Wow---in your position, I'd be tempted to elope.....

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that kind of b.s..

I'm not sure which is worse, the passive-aggressive missives from your future SIL or the continually being "corrected" and talked down to by your future BIL.

 

(sounds like he's a 'mansplainer) (the stoopid wimmins have to be edumakated, ya know)

 

One of my best friends hooked up with a man like that.

She's now a former best friend, I finally hit my saturation point with him continually interrupting me, and talking down to me. Same thing---he wouldn't allow her & I to have even a few moments conversation without having to interject & correct me--whether he was familiar with the subject matter or not.

 

 

So, I feel for ya---it sounds like you're in for a lot of walking on eggshells.

Maybe you could try to brush up on your verbal judo skills.......and see if there's a way to deflect that nonsense, while maintaining diplomacy.

[RiverRunning]

The worst part is...I am future SIL's intellectual superior. And I really think that her husband isn't that much more intelligent. He's just managed to get through life by being patronizing, condescending, brash, etc. I sort of get the impression the 'correcting' thing, or harshly stating his opinion and being a jerk if someone doesn't agree with him, is an attempt to keep his self-esteem up.

 

I've never thought that I come off as acting superior (I am polite to SIL. She is the one who will often call me diminutive pet names...and we're not even 2 years apart in age!). I don't talk about being college-educated. I keep subjects neutral and focused on her as much as possible - about her baby, etc.

 

The best I can pin down is that SIL is jealous of me (I have noticed she's also passive-aggressive with female friends on Facebook, but doesn't seem to pull this with men. It could be because she's afraid men will put her in her place...or it's just a long-standing pattern of 'women are the enemies, be passive-aggressive' type stuff).

 

Her husband may also have similar tendencies towards my boyfriend. Between the two, my boyfriend is much more intelligent, more educated and has a better job.

 

I don't know. I actually thought about pulling the, "I need to work and my grandma has cancer" schtick (she does in fact have cancer) to get out of going for the week. I would miss my boyfriend, but man the thought of spending a week with them is making me sick.

 

My boyfriend says he's 'in my corner' and that if he hears something that's questionable, he will call his sister and brother-in-law out on it. I understand he's not keen on hearing the stories of what I feel have been intentional slights against me - both big and small - over the years. He'll often say, "Just to play devil's advocate..." and suggest an excuse.

 

I just find it hard to believe that his sister could really be so incredibly stupid as to be saying things like - I don't know - "We really like to keep our house clean/we use x, because x (something I use) is high in sodium/let us know the date if we're even invited, hahaha," etc., and not mean it in a passive-aggressive or insulting way. I just don't buy it.

 

The girl's dumb, but she's not that dumb. I think she banks on the stupidity excuse from other people and uses that to her advantage. It could be why FI's family crawls all over her and coddles her like no tomorrow. Am I expecting too much of her? Are there really people who are persistently this stupid?

 

Even if I say something to her and she just totally screws it up and walks away with a different idea (i.e., the wedding registry thing, thinking that I'm stupid, which gives her another opportunity to patronize), I just let her go on thinking she's a genius. I can only imagine if I corrected her the way her husband seems intent on one-upping or correcting me.

 

Then I've thought about just keeping silent unless directly addressed, but they'd probably think that something's wrong (well, it is - being in their presence - but I can't let that on! ). Then, with any luck, Mommy and Sister Crazy would be trying to intervene in our relationship again, believing it's a sure sign I'm going to dump him and skip town.

 

Every time I have to deal with these people, it's a very negative encounter. They chirp all the time about how much better they are at things: she fills her Facebook wall with love notes to him and blabbers on about how in love she is. They want to emphasize how adult they are (i.e., 'shacking up') by talking about how they're married, how healthy they are because they won't stfu about him riding his bike and eating healthy (let me tell you as a fellow fatty losing weight: these people are full of it with this stuff).

 

Having conversations with someone who's so insanely insecure that all they can do is constantly harp on their marriage/how in love they are/how mature they are/ how happy they are with their jobs/how healthy they cook/how clean their house is... gets...well, it gets horrible and boring really fast. I really don't think people who are happy/good at things really need to drive that point constantly.

 

It feels like whether I like it or not, I'm drawn into a competition. Attempts to change the subject usually revert back to SIL/BIL's inferiority-disguised-as-superiority complex.

 

I've decided that I'm pretty much going to be gone all of Wednesday and Thursday next week. Friday morning, I'll suffer through going out to breakfast with his family, then going to the baby shower.

 

FI has tried to challenge me on this, saying things like, "But I've gone and spent a lot of time with your family over the years even when I didn't want to." I told him there's a difference between "I don't want to go" or "I'm not crazy about your family" and "Your family is incredibly critical/patronizing/hostile/passive-aggressive toward me, which is why I don't want to see them."

 

While he acknowledges my family has never treated him as his has treated me, he still doesn't seem to fully grasp how stressful this is. Supposedly, we're going to be seeing them AGAIN in December for a few days after the niece is born (going to visit them).

 

It would be different if they lived closer and our social interaction consisted of going out to dinner for an hour or so once every week or two. These long, overnight visits are hard.

 

FI is worried I'd be putting him in an awkward place if I didn't go in September. I told him that work/family health issues are a plausible reason not to go. I don't want to cut into his time visiting his sister. At the same time, I don't want a relationship with either of them.

 

Can I get away with the excuse, or do I really need to suck it up? Taking a flight home in the middle of the week would be too obvious, I think. It's either all-in or all-out with this one, it seems.

[Emilia]

You have only mentioned your boyfriend a handful of times on this thread. Do you think he has his eyes open when it comes to his family?

[RiverRunning]

He does seem to. He has acknowledged that he would defend me if he caught something (if it was obvious to him) and that if his sister or BIL were being too rude, he would just decide to pack up and leave then and there.

 

When MIL called him over for a meeting (apparently believing I was dumping him and running off to Chicago), he told me that he politely told her that everything was fine, we were fine, and acted irritated with her the entire time. After that, I immediately closed off their access to anything on FB (he knows this and has no problem with it) for fear that if they find -anything-, it's going to be used as part of some story against me.

 

I feel like he's still sort-of in the middle, to be honest. I think it's hard for him to hear this about his family, and I think it's difficult because I've finally let go of the facade of at all liking his sister. I don't trash the woman, but I no longer hide under the facade of, "She's a nice girl, I like her, but..."

 

He says it wouldn't bother him if I were to 'hate' his family, because he gets that we're completely different from all of them. He mostly seems to think, though, that I am 'misunderstanding' his sister and that she's that stupid that she could utter passive-aggressive things all of the time and NOT realize how rude she's being.

 

But he also acknowledges that I could be perceiving it differently, or maybe I really am right about her intentions/behavior. To be fair, he doesn't really know his sister that well (or his mother), and over the years I've probably had more regular contact with them than he has.

 

 

Are his eyes open? Yes and no, I guess. He sees it as a direct possibility but tries to find more benevolent excuses for their behavior. He told me that he hasn't 'noticed' BIL's correcting habit, and claims to have never heard the passive-aggressive things SIL has said when she's visited, but says he would 'speak up' if he heard them.

 

Time will tell with that, I guess. It's not like I can really address most problems with these people, as invariably it goes through the family chain and I end up looking bad (even if they're the ones at fault, no matter how kindly I talk out problems). I'm kind of at his mercy in addressing his own family and calling out any of their crappy behavior.

 

But I also think SIL knows what she's doing - often, she'll say her most passive-aggressive lines when FI is out of earshot. I think she knows what she's doing.

[RiverRunning]

He did tell me though - and admittedly this made me very angry - "Do you realize how this puts me in a tough position? I just want to visit them without any drama."

 

It's like he sort of has it coming out both ends - on the one hand, he is supportive/he'll say something/etc. On the other, I feel as though he's blaming this tension on me. Sure, I may well have said something long ago that was offensive, but I can't think of anything as a matter of course. They seem to go out of their way, at times, to say something passive-aggressive.

 

I told him I don't expect him to confront them over every little thing - sure, if he sees something that's not ambiguous and that seems unnecessary, speak up. But at the same time, I sure would appreciate it if he would cut me some slack and give me an excuse to cut out of visiting them early in September.

 

If they're that insecure or eager to probe at an excuse for not staying with them a week, it calls into question why they must be so insecure in the first place.