Dad and male relatives have rage issues

[Sugarkane]

All the men in my dad's family all have major anger problems- yet never actually seek help of coarse- that would be "weak". I think this stems from my dad's abusive parents. My parents were severely emotionally and physically abusive and played their children against each other. My dads' family isn't close.

 

e.g At a couple of years ago on christmas, we were almost at my uncle's house. When my dad forgot the ham. He went into a complete rage. We told him just to forget as we were almost there. But no he went into a complete rage and we had to drive all the way back just to get it. He went completely off his head over something not important at all. Then he told all of us he wish we weren't born. My sister was in tears after. Of coarse my dad never apologizes. The ham didn't even get opened at my uncles house.

 

e.g When I was in my late teens and I slept over at a guys house the first time. My dad screamed in my face the next day and called me a whore and a slut. Yet he wasn't a virgin when he married. He's a hypocrite.

 

My dad doesn't think he has a problem. Mum just enables him.

[pink_sugar]

Oh same here. My dad and my uncle. My uncle makes a habit of telling people he'll kill them when he's angry and has gotten into numerous physical fights since he was a teenager and he seriously needs anger management. He'll yell over anything. He told my husband he'd kill him, chop him into pieces and put him into the desert where no one would find him..for no good reason. And he's shocked why we didn't invited him to our wedding.

[carhill]

Sounds like nature repeating itself. One nuance to consider is if the men in question similarly rage at unknown people. If so, consider that they are lucky to still be alive. Folks like that don't last long around these parts. Hence, we males learn how to control ourselves.

 

There's an old saying (unhealthy IMO but just repeating it) that people generally rage (or other inappropriate behaviors) only at the ones who love them, especially when such behaviors are enabled. They feel safe to display otherwise inappropriate behavior. After awhile, the enablers don't even notice, but outsiders do. Friends commented on this after our M ended. I rarely noticed behaviors by my exW that they characterized as 'mean' (their words). I guess it was a coping mechanism. Sounds like your mum is coping in her own way. My sympathies.

[Sugarkane]

Acording to other relatives my uncle is the same, I just haven't seen it. I don't understand why my father hates his own father, yet rarely does anything differently. He could've cut them right off.

[carhill]

I call it the 'red tape'. Emotional memories formed during socialization and transition from FOO to peer group. For better or worse, the predominant 'way' with men is violence and anger. One need only look at what men 'do' in the world. It's part of us, both genetically and via socialization. IMO, he simply didn't get the balance he needed to develop a perspective which respects the sensibilities of those he purports to love.

[Sugarkane]

Not Just that it's their sexism- thinking you have to be married just to do anything. I said what I'd I never get married? They want me to live at home forever but I'm not even allowed to have a bf stay over. What adult wants that? I've gone into this in other threads. Also when people insult me for still living at home, but when I tell them this they offer me zero advice. If it wasnt for this extremely crap economy I would've left. Also they lying.