winstonsdreams Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Hey everyone i am new here, just joined today, some advice would be appreciated. I am not doing so well, i broke up with my ex gf nearly 3 months ago, i broke it off. she tried to come back, for a month she reasoned with me to make it work, but i stood firm. She implemented NC for the next month, i missed her, i cracked and did the whole come crawling back scenario. I totally lost it, I called her and tried reasoning for a second chance and that we could make it work but she has gotten a new boyfriend. The next day i messaged her over and over pleading to give us another go. Her mother eventually asked me to please leave her alone. Now this girl really like me, like wanted it all, she has a son from a previous marriage and wanted to settle down with me. I have been in contact with her mother since, who loves me but insists i move on. I tried 3 wks of NC but caved yesterday and sent a txt asking "how have you been?". No reply. EVERYBODY is telling me to leave it, but i just can't, i really love her and want to make this work. She met this guy a month after we broke up but says she is really happy. But her birthday is coming up and i was wondering if it would be a good idea to try again then? Or leave it and move on completely. I have to admit NC was good to me but i really want to fight for this one. Go on guys give me the hard word please! Link to post Share on other sites
zanzi Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 thats why you shouldnt break up with someone if you dont really mean it and assume they will wait for you to come back. She tried her best, you rejected her efforts, so she moved on, unfortunately for you. It is best to leave her alone, as anything you do to try to talk to her now will be seen by her as you pestering her, she just wants to be happy. Be happy she has found happiness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Fmrbrknhrt22 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Dumper regret. I had it with my most recent ex twice. The first time I got her back. The next time I ended things, I called her two months later about to pass out on the floor of my apartment saying how much I missed her in my life and needed her. You know what the response I got was. "I can't deal with you like this, I'm in a relationship with someone else." PLEASE don't torture yourself like this. Obviously things didn't work out for a reason for you to end things. Why? Because if things were going great, if you really loved her and couldn't see yourself with anyone else, you wouldn't have dumped her right? It's been 5 months since I ended things with my ex and I am finally just starting to come to terms with my reasons for dumping her. But since that day I broke down and called her, I've been NC with her and things have improved. I have my lonely nights, I will sometimes shed a few tears thinking about her and what a great gf she was. But at the end of the day, I'm always faced with the reality of the situation: that she is gone, that she is with someone else, and that she has moved on. It's only fair that I do the same. I have opened myself up to new experiences, I've made new friendships and have cultivated old ones, and I've been on several dates since I went NC with mixed results. I may not feel like I have met the one, but I am in a good place in my life. Don't waste your time texting her. Nothing good will most likely come from it or she wont respond. Stay NC and stay busy, but take time to do some introspection and come to terms with why things didn't work out. Allow yourself to FEEL, don't numb yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 Wow that is great advice, i really needed to hear that. It is comforting to know others out there have been through the same as me. I have to try and remember there were reasons why i ended it, you are right. As wrong as it seems now i still felt at the time that it wasn't working. I know i have changed since then and learnt a lot about what i want, i can thank her for showing me what it is i am after. I still love her so much, so it is for the best i let her go and be happy and find what she is looking for, even if it is no longer me. At least with the no reply to my text i know where i stand, she really doesn't want anything to do with me, and now i can implement proper NC and try get on with it. If she contacts me one day so be it. I won't contact her on her birthday, that would do more harm than good. I still get upset when i think of her, and her son, he loved me so much. I felt i let everybody down. a couple months of solid NC will do me a world of good, it's time to think of me again, no doubt she isn't on loveshack.org trying to find answers. Any further words of wisdom or similar experiences would be great! This website is real helpful Thanks Fmrbrknhrt22, that was great advice Link to post Share on other sites
SeventhFloor Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 winstonsdreams. You dumped her. She tried to get back together with you FOR A MONTH and you DENIED her. YOU forced her to move on! You've just joined. Look around this website for a bit, read a few of the threads on people going NC. Look at how much pain they are in, read how much they suffer going a month without the person they love. Going a week. Going even a day. You need to realize that you put her through that, and it was extremely painful for her to the point that you shook up her whole world. She had to change. So she did, and she got with someone new, and she is happy. Well, she deserves it. So please, just let her be happy. You claim to really love her, well then why did you break it off with her? If you love someone, you don't let them go without a fight. She fought for you, and you denied her. I don't think you love her nowadays as much as you're attached. Can you imagine, what would happen if you guys got back together and then you broke up with her again for the same issues that didn't get resolved previously? Can you imagine what that would do to her? If you love someone, let them be happy! And find someone else who you would never do that to. She deserves that, and you deserve that too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Fmrbrknhrt22 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Thanks Fmrbrknhrt22, that was great advice No problem, glad I could help! Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Yeah just stay quiet and let her enjoy her birthday, remember that day is for her and not about you. She'll probably be expecting you to pop up so maybe she'll be pleasantly surprised when she sees you respect her wishes and leave her be. It's unfortunate but as others have said you just have to remind yourself of why you ended it in the first place and think about whatever was going through your mind that entire time she was trying to get back with you and you didn't think it was a good idea. Because now that she has gone NC and started dating someone else, you run the risk of this just being a "I want what I can't have" type of thing, it seems more important to you than it really is just because you hate knowing she has someone else now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 yeah i owe it to her to let her enjoy her birthday and not be hassled by me, i doubt she would acknowledge any texts or answer my calls anyway. please understand i was very good to this girl i guess she has to do what is best by her and her son. i will let her go and not bother her ever again. i had to block her off Facebook just to save my sanity. i can't believe it's come to this i am so upset, everything has been a major effort these last few weeks. i only have myself to blame. why did i do this? i am such a fool. hopefully NC gives me the answer.. i am so sorry baby, hope you found what you're looking for, love you always xo Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If you regret it why did you reject her when she begged you back?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 long story really i was in a bad place a couple months back, i had family issues, and she became very needy, and i had to let her go. i dealt with the crap and spent time interstate, i saw her out one night once i returned and it hit me. i still loved her. i called her the next day to tell her how i felt but she said she was happy and had moved on, and suggested i do the same. after 6 wks she was in a relationship. now keep in mind a month earlier she was still trying to get back with me, and this new bloke was in the right place at the right time i guess. rebound? who knows, a lot of friends are telling me there is no way she is over me, but they say i am to leave her alone and let her find happiness so she can get over me, get over me in a new relationship.. what can i do? i start therapy tomorrow morning, this is going to ruin my life bit ill never let her know that. i can't believe i broke NC, ill never do that again, who knows i may not hear from her again. i keep thinking of the times she was telling me i was the one and we were meant to be together. that **** doesn't help!! Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 hi winstonsdreams, I know you are going through your own issues as in your thread, but can I add my thoughts.....you say you were going through some issues and 'had to let her go'. why???? For someone who got 'dumped' by someone with issues, that makes me so angry. Isn't that what relationships are for? To sort through issues TOGETHER? My ex has problems, but instead of talking through them he ends our relationship. 5 months on i am still grieving, have had therapy, a near breakdown and sort solace from a lot of people from this site to get me through. Why didn't you get through it with your girlfriend? Relationships are hard work and clearly you demonstrate someone not mature enough to be intimate with another person to work through your issues TOGETHER. My ex bolted when things got too much. Pathetic wimp who has probably lost the only person in his life so far prepared to put up with his sh*t. i think your girlfriend was wise to move on. Now you have learnt. You have issues you must DEAL with before doing this to the next person who just wants to love you. I am really, really angry today at people who 'at a whim' decide the relationship is not worth saving. My ex tries to contact me every so often, probably regreting it like you. I ignore him to the point now where love has turned to hatred of him. Then I saw your thread. What did you think us dumpees would do? Just wait? What does that say about you? I don't think you even begin to realise the pain, anguish and turmoil of your ping/pong actions. There are people here who feel suicidal and you want to know how you can get your ex to trust you again? My advice, stay away from her, learn self reflection and maybe, just maybe one day you will really, realise what you have lost. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
BooBoo1982 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 hi winstonsdreams, I know you are going through your own issues as in your thread, but can I add my thoughts.....you say you were going through some issues and 'had to let her go'. why???? For someone who got 'dumped' by someone with issues, that makes me so angry. Isn't that what relationships are for? To sort through issues TOGETHER? My ex has problems, but instead of talking through them he ends our relationship. 5 months on i am still grieving, have had therapy, a near breakdown and sort solace from a lot of people from this site to get me through. Why didn't you get through it with your girlfriend? Relationships are hard work and clearly you demonstrate someone not mature enough to be intimate with another person to work through your issues TOGETHER. My ex bolted when things got too much. Pathetic wimp who has probably lost the only person in his life so far prepared to put up with his sh*t. i think your girlfriend was wise to move on. Now you have learnt. You have issues you must DEAL with before doing this to the next person who just wants to love you. I am really, really angry today at people who 'at a whim' decide the relationship is not worth saving. My ex tries to contact me every so often, probably regreting it like you. I ignore him to the point now where love has turned to hatred of him. Then I saw your thread. What did you think us dumpees would do? Just wait? What does that say about you? I don't think you even begin to realise the pain, anguish and turmoil of your ping/pong actions. There are people here who feel suicidal and you want to know how you can get your ex to trust you again? My advice, stay away from her, learn self reflection and maybe, just maybe one day you will really, realise what you have lost. If your ex is trying to get in touch now and you are just ignoring him then isnt that as bad as what he did? He needed time to himself to figure some stuff out and now with a clear mind he is wanting to talk to you and to maybe sort things, are you not even a little tempted to hear what he has got to say? Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 hi booboo not that i want to hijack someone else's thread BUT as you ask, no it is not as bad as my ex ignoring me. Why? Because he broke off with me (1st rejection), I go NC for a month and we hook up again. After many weeks of seeing and sleeping together,I eventually ask if we are back together. He says 'no, I just like your company,' (2nd rejection). I then, foolishly because I didn't want to lose him, agree to meet him halfway (ie, ask if we can be together but when he wants and no pressure from me), he says he doesn't want a relationship but will let me know when he wants to see me (more pain and rejection) So with no more self esteem left, i went back into NC to preserve some dignity. I am not intrigued with what he has to say, he has told me too many times to mention that he wants his cake and eat it. So unless he tells me he wants a committed relationship with me, i will continue to ignore him. He needs to realise that he might have had disregarded someone special and I have learnt that I am worth more than what he was offering. I learnt all of this from this forum, otherwise I would still be trying to get him to reconcile when there is no hope or desire on his part to do that. Thank you LS for teaching me NC! Which was the point I was trying to point out to winston. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 ballycastle honestly i didn't put her through anything as bad as what your ex did i am sorry to hear that. what i did was wrong but while we were broken up i always spoke to her and tried to comfort her. the time i had alone was one of self reflection, i realized instill loved her and only 2 months later i came back. i have been through every bit of pain she has, trust me. her mother says she still wants to be friends with me one day, but i can't see that happening. i really hurt her and it kills me, she obviously has the best interests of her son to worry about too. but i would do anything for a second chance, i just don't know how or what to do. i don't even know what she is thinking. i owe it to her and myself to move on and let her be happy. but please go easy on me this hasn't been easy for me not since it ended, i am still hurting and just want the woman i love back. i just don't know what i can do, i want to spend the rest of my life with her Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 hi winstonsdreams, I feel for you I really do. But i think the best you can do for now is leave her alone. I doubt if her feelings for you have faded but she has a new boyfriend. She is hurting and knows how you feel as you have come back. When I read the stood firm bit of your message, this reminds me of my ex, who will not budge from his decision to finish with me despite him knowing it's the wrong one, and being stubborn doesn't want to be the one giving in. Where does that get you in the end? More pain. i guess the lessons learnt, is it's OK to change your mind, or say you have made a mistake. But the risk is that other person may have moved on. That is why you ride the waves together. I learnt that when I became a parent and made lots of mistakes, you have to have the humility to keep saying sorry, changing your mind to learn the outcome of your actions. For now, like your ex, I am moving on and it hurts me too as my ex was the love of my life. Hopefully you will learn to hold on to us gems and work through issues together instead of pushing us away. Another thing I've learnt is our behaviours are totally reflective of how we were treated as children by our parents in solving problems/deflecting issues/self soothing so that's something you might want to explore with your counsellor. My ex avoids pain/stress by running, so that's how he deals with things. All that does is end up with a string of failed relationships and pain/confusion for the dumpees. Good luck and best wishes and who knows after time apart she might contact you again. give her time but if she is with her new man over time, then you have your answer. Ballycastle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Are you sure you only want her now because she's with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
BooBoo1982 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Ballycastle, I agree with you, some people would rather run away than deal with issues, they don't see past the issues they don't see that if you stick around and work at things not only can you get past your problems but you can also form a stronger bond knowing that together you can get through anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Ballycastle thank you for your reply, you are wise. I have learnt so much from this experience, i now know communication is the key to a successful relationship, i shouldn't have ran away when the going got tough. To be honest, i am going to admit it, ok i don't deserve a second chance after what i did, there i said it. She has every right to move on, and she has, she has proven she is tough cookie, good on her. I have no doubt she has rebounded, so be it, that is her right. I have to suck it up and move on, which sucks haha.. Maybe one last email is in order, then proper NC. Just an email to wish her well and to tell her i am genuinely happy for her, which i am! To let her know i am glad she has found a dude that makes her happy, and if she ever needs me i will be here. I don't want to play games with this girl. Guys i love her. I want her to go and be happy, and for her to know i am here if she ever needs. Then i can move on knowing i did the right thing. Thoughts guys? Link to post Share on other sites
BooBoo1982 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 how old are you winston? Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 I am 29, she is turning 25 in a couple weeks, with a 4 year old boy. Link to post Share on other sites
BooBoo1982 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I would send the message, it will give you some closure and also leave the the door open should she ever have a change of heart like you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you Boo, I believe it is the mature thing to do. I want her to be happy, genuinely, if not with me then so be it. But yeah I would like to leave the door open. Hell i broke it off, i deserve this! I will however focus on moving on Link to post Share on other sites
BooBoo1982 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 You never know what's around the corner, good luck! Do you think you have learnt from this and would not make the same mistake again? Or do emotions take control in difficult situations and you feel you have no option other than to run away and sort yourself out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 oh dude i have learnt the hard way, i have become such a better person from all this. relationships require communication and understanding. i honestly feel my next relationship will be my best, life is all about learning. if one day she comes back, awesome, if not i will find the one for me, and make her the happiest girl in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winstonsdreams Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) Ok guys i sent the final email, this is it, NC from here on out, can i get some thoughts here on the email, any feedback would be great. I will let you guys know if i get a response, but I am not holding my breath, i just wanted to get this weight off my shoulders. Thanks LS friends Hey XXXXXX, Hope you’re doing well, look I know it was wrong of me to text you on Sunday, it was too soon I promise ill leave you alone and give you all the space you need, so we can both get on with our lives I just want you to know I am real glad you found somebody that makes you happy, I honestly mean that, he must be an amazing dude, I am happy for you But if you ever need me, for anything at all, I will be here for you, no matter what, you can call, email, text or whatever, you know where to find me Don’t take it personally, but I blocked you on Facebook, only for the time being, it just makes things a little easier Until then, good luck, thank you for everything We'll always have (our song) Edited August 2, 2012 by winstonsdreams Link to post Share on other sites
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