He left me with the gift of closure and it feels amazing

[ChynaDoll]

I now know my flawed thinking, excuse making and ignorace enabled me to cross a boundry that led me to THIS.

 

Our affair lasted exactly 7 months. I dont know off hand the signifcance of the number 7, but I know that number has a special meaning just like I know the bond we created during our affair has a special meaning in my life.

 

I've always known mainly b/c of you guys that I could never replace his wife and he will never leave her to be with me which was not my goal. My initial goal was fun and based on selfishness. I decided to NOT quit while I was ahead becase I was having so much fun. I didnt care who got hurt as long as it wasnt me. I'm hurting and suffering now due to my actions and I've accepted that. What I've gotten out of this affair and the impact it has had on my life has made this experience almot indescribeable but I'm going to try.

This post is helping me to document and gather my thoughts. It is helping me to vent, and has the added benefit of feedback from people that have walked in my shoes. The words of Miss Bee and others on here that real love is tangible and not hidden and that love is as love does is it is the action that speaks loudest. Actions do not lie. This LS advice has been resonating in my mind every single day for months and I've used it to play my cards.

The affairs Dday was on Friday (2 days ago). Today was MY dday. His family went out of town for the entire month of july. We both had seperate lives still and could not spend every minute together but we spent every minute together we possibly could without him having to go home because he loved me. The time he was able to spend with me without any limitations except him having to check in in the evenings for a few hours on weekdays, spoiled me and changed me. He came home to me. He came home from work and was waiting for me in my bed everyday. He was able to help me out with my kids. He did everything he could and was able to to show me love. Him being able to do for me with almost no limitations showed me exactly what I was missing, deserve, and entitled to. He showed me what it was like to be #1. I already knew what it was like to NOT be the other woman and be with a man that didnt have to lie to be with me, but I never knew what it was like to be treated as a queen.

 

I knew I only got a taste of what it is like to be treated as a queen because this is still a secret affair. That taste I am calling OUR love. This entire experience has been shaped by our love so which has renewed my commitment to myself to be a better woman and stop messing up. I was jaded and could only remember being abused, beat, cheated on, taken advantage of, abandoned and used. I hade a wall up. He broke my wall, i fell in love with him, and experienced REAL LOVE. Lots of pain, but lots of love. He insisted on breaking that wall possibly to stroke his ego but I still believe it is our love that stroked his ego and that is what I am focusing on to get through this break up. Our love was a good thing, its a good thing and has caused us to be true to ourselves. The affair was wrong in SO many ways but our love was bigger than the lies and deception and it showed. This love gave us both what may seem to you all like audacity I see as courage created by the bond and chemistry we have had since day 1.

 

I experienced a love that gave me the courage to demand what I want, and stop lying to myself. I am now looking at our love as the catalyst that gave me the strength to demand more for myself. This is huge for me. I used to be a very passive person. He was a liar. Our love gave him the strength to tell her he was in love with me and that he is not in love with her, has been lying to her and has been living a double life. Not because he wanted to leave her but because he wanted to do the right thing. He didnt want her to have to hear it from me. I told him I will do it myself so that the truth can be out and I can move on. I was going to tell her because I did not want her to find out 3 years from now and I get dragged back into this after I've moved on. I didnt think he truly loved me since he was choosing her. I didnt think he truly loved her because I was in the picture and the BS in me wanted her to know. I also knew he could cut me off and potentially not have any consequences if he didnt tell her and I felt like his audacity needed to be checked and since I couldnt do it I would expose him and force him to answer to his wife. I felt taken advantage of and that he had to answer to his wife if he wasnt going to answer to me since it will be a lie anyway. This is what OUR love caused me to do, I was passionate about it, and I fought for it. I fought for what I wanted and did not submit to his plan hoping he will change his mind. He told his W two days ago. I started confessing to everyone I have been lying to that my BF is married and I have been lying.

 

The love he showed me in July and over the past 7 months taught me I can love again. It taught me to demand what I want. It taught me that men sometimes have to be told what to do and its ok, but there has to be a balance. It taught me that I have SERIOUS issues, boundry problems, a tendency to avoid confrontation, and am that I need not allow any man no matter how in love I am with him to hurt me. He may hurt me unintentionally because men are from venus, but once he is made aware if it is REAL love he will stop and it is my responsibility to not be passive speak my mind.

The love and pain i experienced taught me to demand what I want and not leave things to chance and overcompensate with hope. This is common sense for many situations, but not when it comes to love for me. Once I begin a sexual relationship with a man, my judgemet gets clouded. Sex for me releases endorphins that bonds me that person and it starts after the FIRST time for me. I am a very emotional person. I give all of myself to a man whether he deserves it or not just based on my own delusions, excuses and HOPE. I turn crumbs into loaves because I dont know if I am worthy of loaves perhaps? This may be common sense to many of you but not for me and our love has made me want to be better and find out why. I did not think it was possible for me to experience this breakthrough without sharing what i shared with my mm.

 

When July started to come to an end, and it was time for him to leave for an even shorter amount of time he was gone for initially to drop them off, I started having a hard time. The lies were getting out of hand. The reality of seeing the "home" he has made clear from the beginnig he was not AT ALL interested in disrupting or breaking to be with me made me realize our selfishness and greed had taken over. I could see him RESUMING to consider my feelings less and tend to his responsibilities at the house more because its almost time to pick up the family. One week before its time for his departure, it popped into my head to end the affair when he goes back to his family because it will hurt ALMOST as much anyway. I knew I would need to find a reason besides the obvious to end the affair and this should be it. We knew we couldnt handle NC.

 

We cried and cried up until his departure together as we were trying to hold onto our last days. i poured my soul out to him selfishly and secretly hoping he would choose me. He didnt choose me in the end but he chose to protect our love and my love for him and come clean and stop hurting me by keeping me a secret. I normally have a wall up, and do not let anybody see in. I started to get very angry and jealous, but he held his ground and made it clear in many other ways he will NEVER leave his wife. I thought he loved her more than me and I let him know every chance I got. I started to resent him for breaking my wall of defense if he had no intentions on leaving his wife. His lies started to repulse me. My lies to my family and friends as I pranced him around like my BF started to repulse me. My disregard for his wife and their newborn started to bother me.

The pain our love has caused I do not regret because it brought out the best in us in the end. Nothing besides losing a loved one hurt more than this. Our love had that type of energy. Our love is so strong, this is how bad it hurts when you try to break it. I experienced a love so powerful it gave us both the strength to come clean. It was so strong it made him face losing his life as he knows it. It has made me look into the mirror long and hard all day for the past two weeks and commit to stopping dating right now until I face every issue that has caused me to fall in love with a mm. Our love was THAT strong and is life changing to me.

 

I tried to break up with him via text, he chose to come to my house this morning in the wake of this Dday, tell his wife he was coming to my house for closure. He gave me the truth in person and we both got closure. He finally admitted what he felt for me was the same I felt for him. That what we experienced was like no other. That he wasnt really happy in his marriage but he cannot be happy in life if he doesnt give his marriage and family a fair shot by coming clean. We showed eachother our raw emotions today during our closure session. We hugged, talked, cried and sobbed for three hours and gave each other the strength to walk away from a situation that breeds confusion and deceit. I can tell by his emotions, actions, our discussion today and in my gut that he TRULY loves me. He fought for me by coming to see me to get closure and to give closure. He knew his W was timing him but did not leave me until we were able to close properly. I even offered to continue the affair on slightly different terms and worry about breaking up later. (I know was a moment of weakness but he was strong for me.) He declined saying "no more lies". This was the first time I did not feel rejected. He didnt tell me nor did i hear "no i dont want to be with you" which is what I was hearing before. I heard I am not going to lie to be with you. I know if he wasnt married he will be with me. I know that if his wife leaves him we are going to be together. I know that I am not ready for Mr. Right, I am committed to get answers from myself. This experience (the good and bad) that has our love written all over will make me be a better woman. It has set a new standard for both him and I and we will not settle for anything less than what we shared. After our closure session today I see OUR love not as something that I am losing. I see it as a life changing energy that brought out the best and worst in us and that we will both use as motivation to live our lives to the fullest and not settle. He left me with a vision and standard of how I want my love life to be (the good parts not the bad). I see our love as a tangible energy that has renewed each of us in its own way and as a now constant driving force that will help us to strive for true happiness. I dont see myself at a loss. I dont see our love destroyed or passed over. I see it as a powerful energy force that has made us be true to ourselves and ofcourse each other. Our love came first today, it gave me closure, and is now a standard of what we will strive for in our 'real' lives. There were lies, there was deception and alot of wrong doing. We both recognize we have and will ALWAYS carry a love that is greater than that type of situation. That is my new standard and is symbolized by "our love". Our love which is now my standard will motivate me to be a better woman and be prepare myself for Mr. Right when he shows up. I have converted my experience to a commitment to change, self awareness and improvement. We are both going to do some fixing in our lives because of "our love".

I know there is the possibility that he may not have told his wife anything about me and this may be a tactic to avoid me having to tell her. I believe in my soul he told her in order to protect her from hearing it from me instead. I know he told her to give himself the best shot at saving his marriage AND because he wants both the women in his life to know the truth. I am so proud of him for having the courage. I am giving our love experience the credit for giving him to the courage to be honest. The truth is he is in love with me, but he still loves her and has legal and moral ties to her. I'm proud of myself for being so positive and self aware. This is MY truth. What I am taking away from this is that our love brought out our best and worst and will continue to bring out our best and a commitment for us both to change our lying deceitful ways.

 

It is not impossible for our love to be even greater than this affair and for us to be together one day. It is possible for him to fall in love again with his wife and for them to not get a D and I'm finally ok with that after two weeks of grieving him not choosing me. Now I am happy that he chose me and I chose him, we experienced this together and we will both always carry this love. That love we carry I know in my soul and it will live on and inspire us whether we r together or apart. He left me with the most priceless, wonderful gift he could of ever left me with: closure.

[alexandria35]

I'm glad for you that you are out of the affair and that you had the courage to be honest and authentic. I really suspect that your MM did not tell his wife a darn thing and that the only reason he declined your offer to continue the affair is because he does not want you telling his wife anything in the future. I support you in whatever you want to believe right now as it seems to be helping you in the moment. I think you might look at this Romeo and Juliet romantic tragedy differently in the future.

[scatterd]

Good for you but I also doubt he told the wife. A woman

that is married would not allow her husband to come and see you to break it off. I think you would of heard it over the phone and she would be asking you questions. His

love might have caused him to lie again. He did not want

his wife to be told so he played it out.

[MissBee]

Hey Chyna,

 

I have lots I want to say about your post. But I will say for now that I'm happy for you that you know what you want and deserve and won't be settling for any less. Great for you!

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe that he told his wife either.

 

But, you are now on the way to your healing path so all the best to you! I hope you find love and happiness with someone who adores you, who only loves you. You deserve the best!

[hurting tonight]

This brought tears to my eyes. I wish you the best of luck.

[2sure]

I defintely got the impression, from your description of his actions and words - that he told his wife everything just as you explained.

 

I am so pleased to see OW or anyone , get the Closure they need for once....closure really is something that comes from within , not from someone else - but it seems like you have received everything you need to move forward.

 

Dont make the mistake of looking back, just leave it a closed matter as you heal.

 

There always are important lessons to be learned in life , from mistakes and experiences. Take everything you can from this experience to use it in the future as you make choices with other men.

 

You have closure, and have come to terms with moving on - do not waste time speculating on what if.

[ChynaDoll]

I know there is a strong possibility that he is still lying. The emotions we shared yesterday, along with my gut and the answers he has given me to all the questions I have was afraid to ask convinces me otherwise.

 

When my concerned friend informed me he may very well not have told his wife I called him up about an hour after he left. I told him my male friend who i cherish because he always gives me a mans POV said you did not tell your wife. I told him I needed to know this is real and it will haunt me for the rest of my life as I wonder if he REALLY loved me or if he was just a psycho self absorbed liar.

 

He said he had to let his wife inspect his penis when he got home. He said he was threatened with a legal separation for coming to see me and taking so long. He said he told his wife he is in love with me but he still loves her. He told me she said she is in love with him and will not leave him over this, and that she know's if I am in love with him the same way she is in love with him I will be with him if they split up. Which I'm ok with. I dont see myself as his backup plan. He has unfinished business as do I and we cannot be together.

 

I think him and his wife have flaws as do I and they may be living a lie with each other but are more concerned about their image and whats "right". I think his wife was fed up and gave her husband enough rope to hang himself by letting him come to my place. I KNOW my mm whether he is lying or not came to give me closure and himself closure so we can move on.

 

If he is lying I see him as pathetic and psycho. If he is telling the truth I admire the amount of courage he demonstrated and giving our love the credit for inspiring change that will enable me him and his wife to make an informed decision. I'm ok with either way and will use this to get me through the fog has cleared. I do believe this is not fog, this is a true bond that cannot be broken.

 

I truly hope he and his W can renew what they had into something as satisfying as what we had and I'm ok with that because our love inspired it. It inspired lying cheating deceitful selfish ways into honesty and forgiveness and possibly a newfound love btwn. him and his wife and I'm ok with that. If it doesnt I'm ok with that too. I will only be disappointed in him if he doesnt find happiness with her and stays. If he is lying about all this and stays thats ok too. I've gotten what I need from this situation which is self-discovery / self-improvement mode. If I get a divorced mm out of it I'm ok with that too. If he uses our love and gives it to his W and kids, I'm ok too. They are innocent parties in this and I dont mind.

 

If he is lying I'm ok with that too b/c I am free. Either way, I am free and have promised myself to do better.

[ChynaDoll]

Hey Chyna,

 

I have lots I want to say about your post. But I will say for now that I'm happy for you that you know what you want and deserve and won't be settling for any less. Great for you!

 

Miss Bee,

 

I was looking forward to your feedback the most. One of the benefits of my honesty is that I am giving people the opportunity to provide feedback from an external POV which will help me heal.

 

I know I may or may not be seeing the whole picture. I am ok with that for now because as I heal, the real truth instead of my version of the truth will be revealed. I hope its the same. If it is, great we will be together again after we get our lives together. If it is not thats ok too because I will get my life together and get what I am entitled to and deserve because I set a new standard with our love. But, I KNOW he told her.

 

I'm also considering sending his wife a facebook message with an apology and my phone # to confirm whether he told her but IF he did which I believe he did me contacting her will add insult to injury which she does not deserve.

[whichwayisup]

He said he had to let his wife inspect his penis when he got home. He said he was threatened with a legal separation for coming to see me and taking so long. He said he told his wife he is in love with me but he still loves her. He told me she said she is in love with him and will not leave him over this, and that she know's if I am in love with him the same way she is in love with him I will be with him if they split up. Which I'm ok with. I dont see myself as his backup plan. He has unfinished business as do I and we cannot be together.

 

You kidding? She 'inspected his penis'??

 

IF that is true, and I seriously doubt it, there's NO WAY she would continue to allow him to stay in the house after him telling her *part in bold*.. He is lying to you. How can she 'threaten' him and then allow him stay when he says that to her? Sorry but something feels very off here. Most would kick the CS's ass out the door. Hey, if it were me and my H said that to me I'd tell him to go to her! I think most would react like that.

[ChynaDoll]

So your MM told you that he had a planned "Dday" and claims he told his that he was in love with you? AND you told him you were going to out your affair to his wife?

 

Yes, I campaigned for that and have learned the value of demanding what I want. It is not impossible or unrealistic. Many women force Ddays on their mm. Some ppl do make mistakes and have a conscience and I believe I helped him recognize that.

 

This guy didn't say a word to his wife about you. He's only telling you he had a Dday because you pose a threat to his real life. And based on your initial post in this thread (which comes off as very delusional), he KNEW you were going to be (or eventually be) a threat.

 

We have discussed this twice. He has given me many details about what he told her and her reaction. The truth will be revealed ultimately. This is my truth for now and it has set me free. This was never about him or his wife and I'm not about to make it now.

 

That "Dday" he told you about never happened - he was merely doing damage control with you so you don't rat him out to his wife and get even further obsessed with him. He wasn't doing anything to "protect your love." He's only protecting HIMSELF from having a real Dday.

 

No one can say with 100% certainty that DDay "never" happened. I did not say 100% that it did. I recognize the beast I am facing, and for now am being positive about it which is a huge step for me.

 

His wife knows nothing about you.

 

I would respect your OPINION more if it came off as one. You do not know what happened between him and his wife between closed doors. It is not impossible and your feedback is NOT HELPFUL.

[ChynaDoll]

That's a great idea.

 

But don't tell your MM that you're going to do that.

He'll intercept the message, respond and pretend it's her and then block you.

 

In fact, I would see if he's already got into her account and blocked you.

 

You remind me of myself before I had this self discovery yesterday. Not able to trust anyone or anything even for my own good. I can call her job if I need to. It's not about HIM anymore Alice!

 

Did you think about IF his wife knows, what that will do to her? I dont want to make a bad situation worse and will not consider contacting her until I am ready to make the right decision.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by ChynaDoll

I'm also considering sending his wife a facebook message with an apology and my phone # to confirm whether he told her

 

This is a good idea. Not only to confirm whether or not he told her, but also it'll help you more with closure. To apologize to her for your part in the affair, will help you as well.

 

I do agree Alice, don't tell him you're going to do this. If you want her truth on this, it's best to keep in him the dark.

[whichwayisup]

You remind me of myself before I had this self discovery yesterday. Not able to trust anyone or anything even for my own good. I can call her job if I need to. It's not about HIM anymore Alice!

 

Did you think about IF his wife knows, what that will do to her? I dont want to make a bad situation worse and will not consider contacting her until I am ready to make the right decision.

 

If she does know already and she gets your fb message, she gets to see your apology. Just speak from your heart...You can't go wrong when you do that.

[ChynaDoll]

You kidding? She 'inspected his penis'??

 

IF that is true, and I seriously doubt it, there's NO WAY she would continue to allow him to stay in the house after him telling her *part in bold*.. He is lying to you. How can she 'threaten' him and then allow him stay when he says that to her? Sorry but something feels very off here. Most would kick the CS's ass out the door. Hey, if it were me and my H said that to me I'd tell him to go to her! I think most would react like that.

 

How can she do this? She has issues just like I do. This is not the first I have heard of a 'penis inspection'. He is also not circumsized so is penis looks very different before and after. I was the BS before and can relate. I wish I had the strength to inspect my ex-husbands penis after I thought he was screwing around. Desperate measures call for desperate acts.

 

Her inspecting his penis actually sounds as absurd as me staying with a man after he punches me in the face and gives me a black eye. Then staying with him after he chokes me and closes my windpipe completely for a moment. Then staying after he shoves me down a flight of stairs. Then staying after he steals from me. It is absurd to put up with that right? But i did.

 

This is also NOT the first affair she has discovered and that I am SURE of. They have been through this before. They were together for 17 years and married for 12. He was in the military for almost 10, and used to be a stripper. This is nothing new to them.

 

It is possible for a marriage to survive this I think. They also have a 3 month old newborn. This is not an easy decision to stay or go after 17 years. This is all she knows. It is not my role to force it. I can only ask for the truth to be out and for everybody to be honest. As long as I am honest with myself I have won.

 

His wife is only 32 years old and he is the only man she has been since she was 15. That is all she knows. She told him to leave if he is in love with me and only staying for the kids. I asked him why are you still there then? He said this has broken her and he is not going to leave her in this broken state. This correralates everything I have suspected about our love and what he is capable of as he refused to leave me until I had closure. When i called him and asked him to speak to her, he did not get off the phone with me until I was satisfied. It could be strategic, but I dont think it is. My thinking got me into this and will get me out of it.

 

He may also be passively making her grow the balls to leave so he can feel better. I dont know. I dont care. I have my own issues that helped breed this and that is what I'm focusing on. I'm also morphing on the joy, happiness and love I experienced along with the bad stuff into a catalyst that will spark change in everyone involved. I'm proud of the changes I've seen in him thus far to come clean. If he did not, thats ok too. His loss.

 

He and I both know the choice she will make but I think she will be empowered if she can make the choice on her terms to leave him instead of him doing it. If she chooses to stay and they fall in love again too, that's fine too because so will I. We will all get through this.

[ChynaDoll]

When OW demand that the wife be told or start getting too "Romeo & Juliet'ish" like you've been doing for the few short months you've been in the affair, they are typically relieved of their OW duties.

 

With a "demanding" OW, the MM is forced to end the affair in a manner which will cause the least amount of problems - hurt feelings MUST be avoided at ALL costs.

 

To your MM, you are a major threat to his real life. He was forced to tell you he told his wife so that you don't tell her. The whole "breakup" was a show - keep in mind that he is a great actor to be able to lie to his wife. He acted with you as well.

 

AND now that you've questioned him as to whether he's really told his wife, he will come up with some other elaborate lie to keep you from telling her. Most likely, he will tell you that she's emotionally fragile and may try to commit suicide.

 

You're being played. His wife knows nothing about you. He never had a Dday.

 

YOUR FEEDBACK IS NOT HELPFUL TO ME and your continuing to post negative feedback tells me some things about you. Its not always what you say, but how you say it.

 

I believe in OUR love which is symbolic to me TO HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS. If it is true thats ok, and if its not thats ok too. YOU ARE BEING SO UNHELPFUL.

[SoMovinOn]

Good for you but I also doubt he told the wife. A woman that is married would not allow her husband to come and see you to break it off...

 

I doubt thinking every single woman is exactly the same provides any real answers or insight.

[ChynaDoll]

OUR love in a nutshell:

 

If it is true thats WONDERFUL and our love is real and powerful.

 

If it is not true I WILL realize it.

 

Either way I will be better off and am looking forward to growing. It not being true will crush me as I am fragile right now and it is my responsibility to do what I need to do to stop that. When I am ready I will get to the bottom of whether it is true or not if it is still relevant by then but I do believe it is and that is whats best for me.

 

I am also realistic like how I was before when I knew he would NEVER leave her for me. I know I do not have any concrete proof he told her.

 

In my past relationships I stayed when my gut and the things I was being told did not make sense. I stayed because I did not have proof. I needed proof. Screw proof... I will never have proof unless I speak to his wife and if she did have a Dday a couple days ago i will only make things worse for her by initiating contact. she is innocent.

 

I'm going to follow my gut for once and I KNOW i will be better off because everytime I have gone against my gut I end up in situations like these.

[ChynaDoll]

I doubt thinking every single woman is exactly the same provides any real answers or insight.

 

She could of done it to give him enough rope to hang himself... She could be fed up and tired and wants him to be with her willingly and not through obligation. She told him she wanted him to leave when he got back. Leaving me with closure was the very least he could of done. I already broke it off with him via text and went NC. I felt i needed a final confrontation in person but never mentioned it. He insisted on coming over to tell me in person and give himself as well as me closure.

 

Btw, this man has has always had way too much freedom to be a mm from the beginning IMO. This is normal for them. He took me out of town with him to a bachelor's party 5 hours away overnight the weekend before his kid was born (4weeks early). Her letting him come to my place is not far fetched to me. His freedom may be part of their marital problems but that's not for me to judge. I have my own issues.

[onthefence210]

I'm going to tell u it happens. My xmm did the same thing in his confession to his W. I spoke to her when she called me a week later...she had had 2 A's that she confessed to and therefore called them even. I still think back to all of it, and I can't believe the drama I let myself get into, that started after the confession.

 

My xmm and I also had closure, I knew from day one that he had no plans of leaving his M until his son was 18, and I had no plans of moving out of state to be with him ever. I did get the courage to start D process because of the A but not for him. And our day of closure ended with him telling me he would do nothing different to fix his marriage and that too made me sad for him. But it's not my problem.

 

It's been almost 3 months since we put an end to the after shocks of confession and I've def had time to put most of the relationship into perspective. I do believe we had all the components that could have manifested into a great life together but we lacked the true essence of what it needed and that was commitment to eachother. I love him and I know that if he should ever divorce then he knows where to find me but my life goes on. That's what his love taught me...that if it could be that good in secret then imagine how much better it will be to live out loud.

 

I think whether he told her or not, you are in a good place with the closure you needed and the confidence that life is what u make of it. I wish u luck, closure helps but the process of losing someone so important to u will not be easy no matter what. But for me, I focused on me. I focused on how to be happy alone, and I did a lot of learning about who I was to let myself be so deceptive when I had spent my entire marriage being the responsible one.

 

Good luck on your journey to a peaceful life

[jwi71]

OUR love in a nutshell:

 

If it is true thats WONDERFUL and our love is real and powerful.

 

If it is not true I WILL realize it.

 

I'm sorry but however much you think he loves you - it isn't enough.

 

He is, in his own words, going back home. He made his choice.

 

However, given all you write, its not "love lost" but "bullet dodged".

 

Either way I will be better off and am looking forward to growing. It not being true will crush me as I am fragile right now and it is my responsibility to do what I need to do to stop that. When I am ready I will get to the bottom of whether it is true or not if it is still relevant by then but I do believe it is and that is whats best for me.

 

Here's the rub...you'll ALWAYS wonder until you've healed - and at that time, when you've healed, you won't care for "the truth".

 

What I suggest is to answer that question NOW. I believe having the "answer" will hasten this hell and more sooner healed you will be. Wiser too.

 

So...call his W.

 

Ask.

 

Given all you say, she'll answer you - especially if she allows her H a three hour closure session.

 

I am also realistic like how I was before when I knew he would NEVER leave her for me. I know I do not have any concrete proof he told her.

 

Then the love he felt for you was somewhat circumstantial. I can conclude this based on his past, and seemingly extensive, history of cheating.

Circumstantial love is NOT love.

THAT is part of a role one plays to achieve one's goals....

 

In my past relationships I stayed when my gut and the things I was being told did not make sense. I stayed because I did not have proof. I needed proof. Screw proof... I will never have proof unless I speak to his wife and if she did have a Dday a couple days ago i will only make things worse for her by initiating contact. she is innocent.

 

This makes no sense.

Earlier you said she allowed him a closure session.

Now calling her is too much for her?

And she's been in this position before?

Sorry...that doesn't add up for me.

[Furious]

I have to say the "penis inspection" is a first for me. I have never heard of that...how strange.

 

I wonder if there's such a thing as a penis lie-detector, imagine...lol...every woman would own one. A cheaters worst nightmare...lol...

[Fitz]

When OW demand that the wife be told or start getting too "Romeo & Juliet'ish" like you've been doing for the few short months you've been in the affair, they are typically relieved of their OW duties.

 

With a "demanding" OW, the MM is forced to end the affair in a manner which will cause the least amount of problems - hurt feelings MUST be avoided at ALL costs.

 

To your MM, you are a major threat to his real life. He was forced to tell you he told his wife so that you don't tell her. The whole "breakup" was a show - keep in mind that he is a great actor to be able to lie to his wife. He acted with you as well.

 

AND now that you've questioned him as to whether he's really told his wife, he will come up with some other elaborate lie to keep you from telling her. Most likely, he will tell you that she's emotionally fragile and may try to commit suicide.

 

You're being played. His wife knows nothing about you. He never had a Dday.

 

I'm not quite so sure if his wife knows absolutely nothing about you, but I do agree that you are getting played by your MM. Because you are a threat to his marriage.

 

Furthermore, I don't believe he told her that he's in love with you. What marriage could perservere after a bomb like that? And don't say its because of his kids because there are plenty of happy children running around with divorced parents.

 

This much is certain: until you can have a civil discussion with his wife yourself, then you can never know the truth.

 

This much can be inferred: If you are being kept from having a mature open discussion with the wife, then someone is keeping the both of you away from the truth. Which is to say that you are both being lied to.

 

My advice: -stop putting so much weight in the validation of his feelings/love for you. Why is it important for you to believe he loved you?

What you've learned from this journey is more important than that.

Edited July 31, 2012 by Fitz

[MissBee]

I have to say the "penis inspection" is a first for me. I have never heard of that...how strange.

 

This is the second time I've heard it...the first was on here as well. I think it was Just A Poster (sorry if I'm wrong on this) who said her friend did this to her husband. Maybe Chyna's MM is that same woman's husband?

[ChynaDoll]

I don't mean to answer for the OP, but it's a stage that one must go through. It's kind of like you have to have a reason that *if you believe you got yourself into a stupid self inflicted pain situation, love makes it more excusable. I'm not saying it is a valid reason but I see many ow who had ended it, express that thought pattern.

 

When one is over it.......an ow doesn't much care if he loved her or not.

 

LadyGrey you hit the nail on the head. I am not over it. Yesterday was day 1 of this. Everything has not unfolded as far as the drama and truths that will come out. I was hoping the gift he left me with was real, but i think what I was expressing was not whether his love for me was real or not, I KNOW it was real. I KNOW he loved me. That I know. I am coining this situation and the love it created as OUR love because doing so will help me get through this.

 

I know NOTHING makes this excusable. I have learned that already and am now focused on why I did it. Why Chyna did it and using the love energy from that situation to find out and make Chyna better. It also has the added bonus right now where if it is real I know we will be together. Knowing that we could be together if I was not competing with time and the stages in life we are both at is ok with me. If he is lying to me still I did dodge the bullet because we are at different stages in live. That doesnt mean our love was or wasnt real and thats my truth. thats what i got from closure.