Wife cheated now I want to cheat back

[jnj express]

I will tell you one thing---you are way to low key about this---You have to be harsh, and there must be some heavy/hard accountability for your wife

 

If not she will know she can get away with this in the future, and you will do nothing, as you are doing this time

 

It is heavy and strong action, that somewhat keeps a straying spouse from straying----your wife already knows how to go out and do her own thing, and believe me she knows she can, and how to "get away with it"

 

She has a taste of what it is to be with other men, she has tasted the enjoyment of sneaking, telling lies, decieving, manipulating---and she knows how to perform----her next A., will be way underground, and this time you won't know

 

How do you intend to deal with all of this----you cannot just let this slide, with no ACTIONABLE, and HARSH CONSEQUENCES

[BetrayedH]

Hi

 

Thanks for all the responses, I'm seeing now that this is not that great an idea after all. I'd like to ask all those that have made my wife out to be a bad person why they get that impression, she is a genuinely loving and caring mother and wife, she went off the rails for a few months and did this, now we have to deal with it. I'm not having a go and genuinely appreciate all the responses just interested to know why. The affair is definitely not still going on as the guy lives 500 miles away when he's in this country, I'd know if she went to meet him again as she would have needed money. He has tried to contact since and she ended up askinv him to leave her alone, again I only have her word for this. But I'm sure she only had sex with him once, and her thinking of suicide tells me how remorseful she is.

 

This was my idea of the best to way to deal with it now I have to find another, I'll probably seek counseling. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

 

You should be proud of the decision you've made her. I applaud your choice. Awesome.

 

I will tell you that sticking with that decision is terribly difficult. Seriously cut off this option. Delete the profiles, even if it costs you money to do so. Make it seriously diifficult to do again. If you can just hop to your computer and logon to one of your sites, you will fine yourself "just checking" to see who has viewed your profile or sent you a message. Come back and read this entire thread sgain when you must.

 

So, now it is time to refocus. As much as I don't support a revenge affair, ou do have to hold your wife seriously accountable for HER actions. No matter what kind of marriage you had, she owns 100% of her decision to cheat. You did not cause this. She had LOTS of other choices. Period. You need to get angry. Sweeping this under the rug DOES NOT work for a variety of reasons. She will not respect a doormat (a woman has to respect her man in order to love him). Ironically, the more accountable you hold her, the more likely you are to reconcile. If you roll over, she will know she puller one over on you. Plus she has to hit rock bottom in order to truly change. If you help her avoid that, she doesn't learn the lesson. It absolutely sucks. But if you are soft, you will lose.

[K.J]

I will tell you one thing---you are way to low key about this---You have to be harsh, and there must be some heavy/hard accountability for your wife

 

If not she will know she can get away with this in the future, and you will do nothing, as you are doing this time

 

It is heavy and strong action, that somewhat keeps a straying spouse from straying----your wife already knows how to go out and do her own thing, and believe me she knows she can, and how to "get away with it"

 

She has a taste of what it is to be with other men, she has tasted the enjoyment of sneaking, telling lies, decieving, manipulating---and she knows how to perform----her next A., will be way underground, and this time you won't know

 

How do you intend to deal with all of this----you cannot just let this slide, with no ACTIONABLE, and HARSH CONSEQUENCES

 

That's why I'm here really, for ideas of how to deal with it. What can I do to her, revenge affair isn't the answer and I'm not intending to break up with her. I'm.sure there are boundaries I need her to stay within, she knows if I find her chatting to men on Facebook or anything like that then its over, I'm also not happy for her to go on nights out without me. Not really sure what else I can do.

[HardPlace2b]

I was also with my wife for a long time ,almost the exact situation at first, caught her cheating , i did the revenge cheat , which led to another and then got attached to the GF from there it got worse and messy and way worse then she ever did.. Now i am def the POS .. i am not saying this will happen to you but take extreme caution.. I never thought it would happen to me..

[nofool4u]

That's why I'm here really, for ideas of how to deal with it. What can I do to her

 

Divorce her.

 

Because if you are thinking of something to "do to her", then you really aren't in tune with the marriage and its better for your own sake to leave it and find a better woman.

 

But if you decide to stay, don't lower herself to her level. If anything, you could tell her she is on house arrest and if she doesn't like it she can leave.

 

I know, this really shouldn't happen, but IF I were to ever cheat on someone, I'd put myself on house arrest if I truly wanted to prove to my wife/gf that I seriously have no interest in doing things that more easily help cheating to happen.

 

 

I'm.sure there are boundaries I need her to stay within, she knows if I find her chatting to men on Facebook or anything like that then its over, I'm also not happy for her to go on nights out without me. Not really sure what else I can do.

 

I'd say if she does any kind of partying, then those days are over, or she can open the door and get out.

 

She either starts acting like a wife, or she ceases to be one.

[K.J]

I'm not looking for something to do to her, the previous poster was stating I need to take action and I was asking what he suggested.

 

The revenge affair idea was never really "revenge" as such. It was more to do with the fact that I gave up my time playing the field when I was younger for her, which I see as a sacrifice and she did the same for me up until that point, so I thought I'd like to have my turn and experience someone else. If I had sexual.partners before.meeting her I'm sure this wouldn't be an issue.

[jnj express]

That's the problem isn't it---what to do---what you cannot do, is to let her move back into her previous cushy lifestyle as if nothing happened

 

Maybe for a time, keep her at arms length, do not allow her into the marital bedroom, let her sleep in another room in the house, with all her clothes piled in with her---that most definitely will give her a taste of what life would be like on her own, as in D.

 

She needs to be shown what reality, w/out you will be like---give her a dose of that reality, I am very sure she won't like it, and just maybe she will wake up

 

Whether you want to get lovey--dovey is on you---don't be mr. nice guy, for a goodly period of time.

 

Try to read various other threads here and on other sites like this, and see what other betrayed's have done when holding their cheating wives accountable

 

You also should make her sign, a POST--NUP---with a duress clause

 

Make the settlement should you end in D., about 80--20 in your favor, make yourself the custodial parent

 

For a period of time, she must be taken out of her prior lifestyle---she has murdered her mge---murderers do get punished---it's the way it has to be.

[K.J]

Just to clarify I don't believe everything she's told me, I put a lot of this down to the friend who helped her into this and geed her up when she was vulnerable, if she hadn't started seeing this person again I think this wouldn't have happened. However I do hold her 100% responsible for her affair, and she accepts 100% responsibility.

 

I am suspicious about what happened the week after when she went back, remembering the state of her when she came home her story of spending a weekend drinking vodka and not eating and coming close to suicide does not seem at all far fetched. She claims she went back to Manchester because she was running away and knew how to get there on the train from the week before. In the back of my mind I think she went to meet him again and he blew her off or she changed her mind on the way or maybe she saw him again?

 

I know that after that weekend it's highly unlikely and almost impossible that she's seen him again, however I'm not sure she hasn't cheated with anyone else. It's something I have to find out, if I find she's still lying and hiding stuff then it will be very difficult for me to stay.

 

However I can see myself being able to forgive one moment of stupidity at what was a difficult time for us.

[K.J]

That's the problem isn't it---what to do---what you cannot do, is to let her move back into her previous cushy lifestyle as if nothing happened

 

Maybe for a time, keep her at arms length, do not allow her into the marital bedroom, let her sleep in another room in the house, with all her clothes piled in with her---that most definitely will give her a taste of what life would be like on her own, as in D.

 

She needs to be shown what reality, w/out you will be like---give her a dose of that reality, I am very sure she won't like it, and just maybe she will wake up

 

Whether you want to get lovey--dovey is on you---don't be mr. nice guy, for a goodly period of time.

 

Try to read various other threads here and on other sites like this, and see what other betrayed's have done when holding their cheating wives accountable

 

You also should make her sign, a POST--NUP---with a duress clause

 

Make the settlement should you end in D., about 80--20 in your favor, make yourself the custodial parent

 

For a period of time, she must be taken out of her prior lifestyle---she has murdered her mge---murderers do get punished---it's the way it has to be.

 

Thanks for clarifying, I understand what you're saying and yes I do need to show her that what she has done is unacceptable.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds like you have already made up your mind about staying in the marriage. Personally, I don't think you should let her off the hook just because she has depression. She could use that "loophole" and run with it. Future cheating or betrayal could be justified as "her depression. "

 

Obviously, the revenge affair or some kind of permission affair is not a good idea. It will just make things worse and add to the pain. Two wrongs certainly do not make a right. You don't strike me as the kind of guy who would be able to do that without some kind of remorse or regret afterwards..if you could even go through with it at all. And do NOT seek out a prostitute! Please!

 

I think you should set your boundaries with your wife. It's a good start that you told her if you see anything suspicious then it's over...however you need to be prepared to follow through with that threat (and yes it's a threat, but justifiable in this case). I have a feeling she is probably still cheating, so it's probably only a matter of time at this point. Don't take anything she says as the truth. She lies. She will need to earn your trust back by proving that she is going to change. I do not forsee that happening unfortunately. I'm very sorry you are going through this.

[K.J]

Why do you get the feeling that she is still cheating?

[Lauriebell82]

Because we've seen enough husbands exactly like you (with wives exactly like yours) to know there is still contact with the other man/men.

 

Yep, couldn't have said it better myself.

 

I'm very sorry OP, I know this is hard for you. But if she were truly remorseful over her betrayal, and UNDERSTANDS the pain it has caused you, she would NEVER give you the green light to cheat on her back. That makes me think she doesn't care whether you cheat because she is doing it herself. As I said before, you sound like a very trusting and good guy. Therefore, she has even more motivation to continue to cheat, especially since you have seemed to accept (not to mention condone) what she has done.

[K.J]

Maybe she feels that she deserves to be hurt as much as she hurt me. Can't see where you get the idea from that I condone her actions!

 

Its absolutely ridiculous to suggest that my wife is still cheating because that's what's happened in other relationships, I'm not saying she definitely isn't but to say she is because it's what others have done is just spiteful. I appreciate all the good advice I've got here but making assumptions bases on other cases is not helpful.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe she feels that she deserves to be hurt as much as she hurt me. Can't see where you get the idea from that I condone her actions!

 

Its absolutely ridiculous to suggest that my wife is still cheating because that's what's happened in other relationships, I'm not saying she definitely isn't but to say she is because it's what others have done is just spiteful. I appreciate all the good advice I've got here but making assumptions bases on other cases is not helpful.

 

Be careful. You're talking to people that, in many cases, have been here for years. Some are idiots, granted. However, there are absolutely distinct patterns that play out. Yours is fitting the usual pattern to a T. I am one that was like you. I thought my wife was the exception to the rule. It turns out that thinking you're the exception is the rule. I'm not trying to be unkind. I spent 7 months here preaching about forgiveness of my wife to a lot of experienced posters. Then I found some really disturbing crap. She was still lying, big time.

 

It's really hard to change your perspective of your wife. You want to save your family. You'll be the superhero that absorbs it all for the sake of the family. You'll take some responsibility, and take on the job of forgiveness to save the marriage for yourself, the kids (when they are involved), and yes, even for the wife that you love so much.

 

Sadly, this is counterproductive. It prevents change when you enable the behavior. I don't really know the solution. To reconcile takes a truly remorseful spouse and a truly forgiving spouse. But NONE of the forgiveness can come until after the remorse is proven or it ends up as "cheap forgiveness." The wayward dodges the only bullet that would have made them go to the doctor.

How do you get to true remorse? I am becoming more and more convinced that ONLY by seeing the real consequences coming to fruition do some waywards hit bottom enough to truly come clean with all of it and do the proactive steps that are truly required to heal the marriage. This is why you will instsntly hear so many people say to file for divorce. It may be the only way to truly get yiur spouse to change and if not, well, then you need to divorce anyway. The soft approach is very unlikely to work. Of those here that have successfully reconciled, I believe they were all very clearly at the brink of divorce and THAT is what wakes up the wayward from the fog that they are in.

 

Anyway, I'm still rooting for you but please know that few people here are saying tough things out of spite. They are trying to clear you out of your own fog.

 

Good luck.

[K.J]

Yes I know that everyone here is trying to help, and I really appreciate all the help. But is it really that impossible for a woman to have just one extramarital sexual encounter without having more? People have jumped to this conclusion based upon my position on the situation. One person went so far as to say I would be back here when I find out she's still cheating. I would be careful about publishing comments like that with no proof or justification other than "that's what happened in other cases". I got annoyed because I asked someone for a reason why they think she's still cheating and the answer was because that's what happens in other cases, and that's not justifiable.

 

As for my situation we went over it last night again, and she maintains the original story. We went over meetings she had with other men and talked more about the affair and she's sticking to her story, that she had sex with one other man once.

[BetrayedH]

Yes I know that everyone here is trying to help, and I really appreciate all the help. But is it really that impossible for a woman to have just one extramarital sexual encounter without having more? People have jumped to this conclusion based upon my position on the situation. One person went so far as to say I would be back here when I find out she's still cheating. I would be careful about publishing comments like that with no proof or justification other than "that's what happened in other cases". I got annoyed because I asked someone for a reason why they think she's still cheating and the answer was because that's what happens in other cases, and that's not justifiable.

 

As for my situation we went over it last night again, and she maintains the original story. We went over meetings she had with other men and talked more about the affair and she's sticking to her story, that she had sex with one other man once.

 

It's gonna be impossible for you to determine the real extent of what happened 6 years ago. What we do know is that she lied. For a long time. And you still suspect that you don't have the full story about that second trip. It sounds like people suspected for a while. From our perspective what we see is that waywards lie, deny, and lie some more. That's pretty damn consistent (especially since they're established liars). When they aren't doing that, they're minimizing it ("to protect you"). You'll probably never know the truth.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes I know that everyone here is trying to help, and I really appreciate all the help. But is it really that impossible for a woman to have just one extramarital sexual encounter without having more? People have jumped to this conclusion based upon my position on the situation. One person went so far as to say I would be back here when I find out she's still cheating. I would be careful about publishing comments like that with no proof or justification other than "that's what happened in other cases". I got annoyed because I asked someone for a reason why they think she's still cheating and the answer was because that's what happens in other cases, and that's not justifiable.

 

As for my situation we went over it last night again, and she maintains the original story. We went over meetings she had with other men and talked more about the affair and she's sticking to her story, that she had sex with one other man once.

 

OP, I am not trying to make you defensive here. I will say that the reason we are coming to the conclusion we are IS because we have seen this situation before. Yes, everyone's situation is different, and no we do not know for sure if your wife is still cheating. We are just giving you our opinion, if you think your wife is being truthful then go with that. We are just giving you some input here.

 

It is clear you intend to forgive her. Therefore, you will need to set some boundaries. It is my opinion that she does not deserve your forgiveness, however it is not my marriage, it is your's. So the best course of action will be for you to seek counseling and make sure that she needs to prove to you she is trustworthy. Is it possible that she is not cheating and will not cheat again? Of course. However, given what you have stated about the situation and about what your wife has said, it sounds a bit "iffy." So I would caution you to be careful and not trust what she says until she gives you a reason to. She hasn't proved that she is trustworthy yet.

[turnera]

The only thing I would say is that there's a script, an actual script, that we can attribute to cheaters. Why? Because, for some reason, psychologically, people nearly always go through the same steps when deciding to cheat, barring some mental illness. Look it up. Wayward script, wayward fog, they nearly all do it, to a T. So we DO know what we're talking about when it comes to what a cheater will say, how they'll vilify their spouse so they can justify their actions, how they will literally rewrite history in their own minds so that their marriage was so bad they HAD to do what they did...on and on.

 

As to whether she did it once only? I've heard of many people who have done it once and have been so horrified by their actions that they never went there again.

 

BUT - now that you know she is capable, do you want to err on the side of misapplied trust, or do you want to hold to the possibility that there may be more, for your own sake and for the sake of your possible recovery? IF she did do it more than once, then the recovery you're seeking is a FALSE one, and you're better off knowing sooner than later. That's all. Trust, but verify.

[TG1]

If my wife cheated on me first, then yes I would want to cheat on her right back to get back at her for doing it to me, so then that way she could feel what I felt when she cheated