Impression of this affair

[StupidChick]

]What would your impression be if your affair happened like this? OW and MM work together and have been for 6 months. On his birthday in June OW pecks him on the lips. Couple of weeks later MM suddenly starts giving OW the sexual once over glances, flirty smiles and prolonged eye contact. Start having conversations about once a week about how crappy MMs sex life is and what a cold cow wife is. OW talks about how lonely and frustrated she is. Other conversations are based on work only. OWand MM go on errands together for work but nothing happens. Middle July OW andMM approach each other and kiss for about 2 minutes, standard kiss nothing spectacular or deep, breaks off as boss walks in. Nothing in August, in September MM and OW have to run an errand to tax man and they sit kissing, nothingspectacular, in the car for about 5 minutes and then go back to office. Noother contact, no hand holding, no public acknowledgement of relationship when in a “safe” place and just “secret” smiles while at work. Run a couple of errands after that but nothing happens. Early October another errand is run and OW takes MM to her house to hang up her washing. She then comes in takes him by the hand and leads him to the bedroom. They proceed to have sex no foreplay or intimate touching other than a boob rub and brief kissing. Sex is very brief as MM cannot get a full erection, slips out a couple of times and then completely loses erection; actual act lasted about 4 minutes. OW was completely disengaged...head turned away, eyes shut and just lay there. MM got up, dressed incredibly fast and practically ran out the room all the while saying “this should not havehappened”,” So sorry”, God what have I done?”. OW and MM went to Post Office to mail some documents and then went back to office. Nothing was said. Following day MM approached OW to apologise and OW told him to f... off. In all that timehe never complimented, gifted or took OW out. OW did the same, no real egostroking other than listening to each other complain about work and sex. No protestations of love or even liking each other.

 

I am the OW and I got the impression he did not care for me at all, was I wrong? Found out he lied about his sex life with the wife. They had made a sex tape for him to masturbate to when she had her period and he had pics of her vagina on his phone for his enjoyment. He was also addicted to porn

Edited July 30, 2012 by StupidChick
Errors and adding text

[whichwayisup]

It meant nothing. He isn't and never was 'in love' with you. It seems that the flirting game got taken too far, he realized wtf he was doing was wrong, and that's why he couldn't go through with it, lost his erection. You both were enjoying the ego feed, the flirty nature of this but he wasn't ready to have an affair. He lied about his wife, her being a cold cow or whatever it was he said..

 

Either way, I hope you stay away from him. Please tell me that you are going to let him go and never speak to him again except on a business / professional level.

[StupidChick]

We carried on working together for another 5 months and then he left. When the sexual encounter was over, whatever we had "felt" for each other vanished immediately after. I was extremely angry for being strung along like this. He is a handsome and generally really nice guy and I was interested in him way before he even noticed me. I am 35, very lonely, still live with my mom, fat, ugly (I have no illusions as to the way I look), twice divorced, high school educated and a single mom with no support from the father. I do have a low self esteem, cynical and bitter as I thought my life would have turned out very differently to what it did. So when he showed an interest I thought what the hell and went for it. His wife on the other hand (I met her and the kids and my impression was that she is a snobby ice princess) is 10 years older (but does not look it:sick:)beautiful and also fat albeit slightly thinner than myself. I later found out through a mutual acquaintance than she is very warm hearted, compassionate and really shy. I loved the idea that he was chasing ugly me while he had this beautiful ice princess living at home. I later found out through said acquaintance that he was mentally ill with severe depression and has terrible self esteem issues relating to his upbringing and the reason his sex life was bad was because he was addicted to porn and was unable to satisfy his wife sexually even though she never denied him. Anyway we never promised each other anything but I still secretly wanted to get him away from her but he loved her and from all accounts worshipped the ground she walked on. Apparently he is so crazy about her that he walks around with a permanent erection when he is around her:sick:.

 

So why have an affair and why me if that is how he felt??? Was it to feed a sick fantasy due to his porn addiction?? It makes no sense and it does plague me! He never sent me texts, phoned me from home on his days off, tried to make dates outside of work. Our affair was exclusively conducted at work and he made no real effort even though he showed interest. He never romanced me in anyway possible. He never made any other moves other than the ones described and if I had not made the first move with regards to sex I doubt we would even have had that...but I really wanted to but then lost interest when there was no foreplay and then he could not get a proper erection, even though we had sex he was not really hard enough abd then totally lost it. I felt very humiliated and angry afterwards as I expected him to be good in bed with all his talk! It is over though and was the minute he lost it.

Edited July 30, 2012 by StupidChick
Text added

[Spark1111]

I do not see anything resembling a relationship here, so I am not sure what sort of advice you are seeking.

 

It sounded like you wanted so much more and needed to really denigrate his spouse to feel superior to her. Why?

 

And why invite a man to your home after some kissing to have sex with you?

 

What is it you wanted? A romantic relationship? A wild roll in the hay? Feeling like the better woman over his wife?

 

Who exactly are you angry at?

[whichwayisup]

You let this guy use you willingly. Seems each of you used eachother. I feel for you, but at the same time you need to own your part in this and not put all the blame on him. He didn't hold a gun to your head, he made no promises either. Infact he wasn't even lovey dovey with you, it was purely sexual to a point and then he changed his mind. Like it or not, he had a choice to continue on or not and he chose not to.

 

Please consider getting some counselling to help you gain self confidence and be happier with yourself.

[MissBee]

We carried on working together for another 5 months and then he left. When the sexual encounter was over, whatever we had "felt" for each other vanished immediately after. I was extremely angry for being strung along like this. He is a handsome and generally really nice guy and I was interested in him way before he even noticed me. I am 35, very lonely, still live with my mom, fat, ugly (I have no illusions as to the way I look), twice divorced, high school educated and a single mom with no support from the father. I do have a low self esteem, cynical and bitter as I thought my life would have turned out very differently to what it did. So when he showed an interest I thought what the hell and went for it. His wife on the other hand (I met her and the kids and my impression was that she is a snobby ice princess) is 10 years older (but does not look it:sick:)beautiful and also fat albeit slightly thinner than myself. I later found out through a mutual acquaintance than she is very warm hearted, compassionate and really shy. I loved the idea that he was chasing ugly me while he had this beautiful ice princess living at home. I later found out through said acquaintance that he was mentally ill with severe depression and has terrible self esteem issues relating to his upbringing and the reason his sex life was bad was because he was addicted to porn and was unable to satisfy his wife sexually even though she never denied him. Anyway we never promised each other anything but I still secretly wanted to get him away from her but he loved her and from all accounts worshipped the ground she walked on. Apparently he is so crazy about her that he walks around with a permanent erection when he is around her:sick:.

 

So why have an affair and why me if that is how he felt??? Was it to feed a sick fantasy due to his porn addiction?? It makes no sense and it does plague me! He never sent me texts, phoned me from home on his days off, tried to make dates outside of work. Our affair was exclusively conducted at work and he made no real effort even though he showed interest. He never romanced me in anyway possible. He never made any other moves other than the ones described and if I had not made the first move with regards to sex I doubt we would even have had that...but I really wanted to but then lost interest when there was no foreplay and then he could not get a proper erection, even though we had sex he was not really hard enough abd then totally lost it. I felt very humiliated and angry afterwards as I expected him to be good in bed with all his talk! It is over though and was the minute he lost it.

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurt, but unfortunately some people are like this.

 

You initiated a kiss, making it known you want him. I am sure that stroked his ego and I'm sure he figured he could bed you easily. Being that he is a porn addict, he may very well be a sex addict and, not trying to be rude..but he had a willing participant to fulfill his fantasy. Most MM it seems seek out the OW...you seemed to initiate things with him, not with words and texts etc but you actually kissed this man...he no doubt assumed you wanted to bed him. He wasn't thinking about love or a relationship...just new sex with someone willing at work.

 

You guys proceeded to talk about his sex life after the kiss...and you talked about your loneliness. Perfect recipe. He wants sex and he felt like he found some lonely woman to give it to him. Unfortunately he lied about all of that (his sex life being nonexistent with his W) as you found out. I'm sorry that happened...but when we're lonely and vulnerable, people prey on us. He didn't prey on you per se, you invited him in and you led off with sexual advances. You guys had no type of emotional relationship or friendship and so for him, that's all it was.

 

I know it hurts, but don't take it personally.

[Emme]

I am the OW and I got the impression he did not care for me at all, was I wrong? Found out he lied about his sex life with the wife. They had made a sex tape for him to masturbate to when she had her period and he had pics of her vagina on his phone for his enjoyment. He was also addicted to porn

 

 

I don't want to say he didn't care for you at all. Um.. I'll tell you why. He eased into getting to know you and liking you. Many months went by without him pushing what should have come next. He was scared but he had opportunity. He didn't take it. He was more respectful of you. If you want to equate that to caring you can.

 

Now the whole sex/limp d*ck issue thing. Fear played a part. Also his addiction to porn maybe. Too much porn after a while back fires and causes sexual dysfunction.

 

In all you ended your interaction with him. Don't be hurt and take it personally. It's his issues why he couldn't perform. It's his conscience why he couldn't go through with it. I think you were lucky you walked away without scares. This is just a paper cut.

[alexandria35]

SC, OK, I'm having a problem here, the way you are describing the affair, the demeaning way you are speaking about yourself, etc. it just doesn't sound right or what an ow would say and I've read some crazy stuff here and elsewhere.

 

Some BS's are in such a bad way that they spend a lot of time and thought into trying to figure out why their husband did what he did, when they see the ow as a downgrade from themselves. Some BS's have been known to post the story as they see it on an OW site to get feedback and trying to gain maybe some understanding.

 

In fact, I'm pretty sure I've read this same story somewhere else.

 

LOL...I think you may be right LadyGrey. Reminds of a thread on the infidelity board last year where the BW was talking up the OW and putting herself down, all the while portraying herself as a crazed BW who was desperate to hold her husband hostage at all costs. Read very much like the OW fantasy of the MM's marriage and wife. I think this poster may be a BW and she is repeating her husbands acct of the affair here, in attempt to see if an affair like that is really possible.

 

To the OP if you are a betrayed wife and this is the crap your husband is telling you then you need to post your story on the infidelity board. There are many experienced and wise posters there who will share their wisdom with you and help you get to the point.

 

If you really are the OW in this story then you really do need to address your issues. Sounds like you pursued this guy and demeaned yourself to have his attention. Also how would an aquaintance have all of these intimate details about your MM's sex life and personal issues and why would this aquaintance be feeding this information to you?

[VioletFemme]

We carried on working together for another 5 months and then he left. When the sexual encounter was over, whatever we had "felt" for each other vanished immediately after. I was extremely angry for being strung along like this. He is a handsome and generally really nice guy and I was interested in him way before he even noticed me. I am 35, very lonely, still live with my mom, fat, ugly (I have no illusions as to the way I look), twice divorced, high school educated and a single mom with no support from the father. I do have a low self esteem, cynical and bitter as I thought my life would have turned out very differently to what it did. So when he showed an interest I thought what the hell and went for it. His wife on the other hand (I met her and the kids and my impression was that she is a snobby ice princess) is 10 years older (but does not look it:sick:)beautiful and also fat albeit slightly thinner than myself. I later found out through a mutual acquaintance than she is very warm hearted, compassionate and really shy. I loved the idea that he was chasing ugly me while he had this beautiful ice princess living at home. I later found out through said acquaintance that he was mentally ill with severe depression and has terrible self esteem issues relating to his upbringing and the reason his sex life was bad was because he was addicted to porn and was unable to satisfy his wife sexually even though she never denied him. Anyway we never promised each other anything but I still secretly wanted to get him away from her but he loved her and from all accounts worshipped the ground she walked on. Apparently he is so crazy about her that he walks around with a permanent erection when he is around her:sick:.

 

So why have an affair and why me if that is how he felt??? Was it to feed a sick fantasy due to his porn addiction?? It makes no sense and it does plague me! He never sent me texts, phoned me from home on his days off, tried to make dates outside of work. Our affair was exclusively conducted at work and he made no real effort even though he showed interest. He never romanced me in anyway possible. He never made any other moves other than the ones described and if I had not made the first move with regards to sex I doubt we would even have had that...but I really wanted to but then lost interest when there was no foreplay and then he could not get a proper erection, even though we had sex he was not really hard enough abd then totally lost it. I felt very humiliated and angry afterwards as I expected him to be good in bed with all his talk! It is over though and was the minute he lost it.

 

Oh honey. You just about made my heart break with compassion for you. The part in bold especially. You are obviously miserable inside your skin, inside your life, in the world. I'm so sorry for this.

 

Forget about him and why he did what he did for now...come back to that after you figure out why you did what you did....

 

What you did--did you do it for validation that you were worth something to someone, for validation that someone could be sexually attracted to you? I bet this is at least a part of it. And instead of making you feel wanted and wothy, his...performance issues, and the tawdry situation itself, just made you feel worse.

 

I hate that you think so very little of yourself...my hope for you is that you would gain healing for your past hurts, and begin to see the wonderful person YOU are. That line about how there is "someone for everyone" may SOUND stupid...but it IS true. The trick...and it's a hard one...is that you HAVE to find yourself to be worth something first.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'd guess now you know why his sex life with his wife was virtually nonexistent! What a cad! Tell me you want more than this in your life.

[StupidChick]

I am the OW. The affair happened 3 years ago and the wife only recently found out. She sent me a FB message calling me a whore and homewrecker. I have had 3 years to really think about this. The mutual acquaintance that I am talking about is actually a friend of hers and the daughter of an elderly man that works for us part-time. This woman is the one that has been sending me some nasty messages and telling me all the stuff that I have mentioned here about what the wife has done for him as the wife has been confiding in her about the affair. The way I describe myself is what I really think of myself as I said I am under no illusions to the way I look. Since being with the MM I have not been with anyone else and I honestly do wish that the affair had continued but he ended it the minute he got off the bed. I became angry with myself for thinking he felt at least something and now these FB messages from the friend is driving home just how little he thought of me. In a nutshell she said I offered, he took even though there was no real interest and proved it by not being able to perform. Yes his wife is really beautiful that I cannot deny, she was a model and won many beauty competitions but developed hypothyroidism after the 2nd child (info courtesy of the old man that worked with us) hence the weight gain. Wife's message on FB started up all this hurt again.

[Spark1111]

I am the OW. The affair happened 3 years ago and the wife only recently found out. She sent me a FB message calling me a whore and homewrecker. I have had 3 years to really think about this. The mutual acquaintance that I am talking about is actually a friend of hers and the daughter of an elderly man that works for us part-time. This woman is the one that has been sending me some nasty messages and telling me all the stuff that I have mentioned here about what the wife has done for him as the wife has been confiding in her about the affair. The way I describe myself is what I really think of myself as I said I am under no illusions to the way I look. Since being with the MM I have not been with anyone else and I honestly do wish that the affair had continued but he ended it the minute he got off the bed. I became angry with myself for thinking he felt at least something and now these FB messages from the friend is driving home just how little he thought of me. In a nutshell she said I offered, he took even though there was no real interest and proved it by not being able to perform. Yes his wife is really beautiful that I cannot deny, she was a model and won many beauty competitions but developed hypothyroidism after the 2nd child (info courtesy of the old man that worked with us) hence the weight gain. Wife's message on FB started up all this hurt again.

 

Well, that's terrible. Three years later? I would tell him and her that if the friend doesn't stop with her vicious attacks then you will be forced to counter attack with your version of events.

 

I would also speak of the kissing (often) and the sexting and whatever else was involved. Got any proof?

 

He certainly wasn't some innocent victim in all of this, right? Kissed you back, several times, right? Make-out session, yes? Over several months, right?

 

This wasn't an innocent, one-time, oops.

 

Focus on you: What you want, how to attain it. See your future and make it there.

 

Do not let anyone define your own self-worth for you. You define it.

[StupidChick]

xMM confessed to his BW that he had an affair about 3 months ago and that is when I got her 1st and last message on FB. The affair was 3 years ago for about 3 1/2 months. The BW's friend decided to taunt me with the info that the BW had got out of xMM. xMM told his BW the full truth from what the friend has been relaying to me...in a really nasty way. He never sexted me. The pics he has is of his wife, they sexted each other. We only kissed 3 times and twice it was me who initiated and sex was once also initiated by me. Sex was very brief and he was semi-hard, slipped out a couple of times, no ejaculation and then just went limp. I could actually see the disgust on his face and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom. Why would he do this if he did not find me all that attractive as was obvious by his inability to have proper sex with me? This did destroy my self-esteem big time afterwards, but I thought I was over it and now all this has been brought up again. It hurts because I was in love with him long before the affair started and when he started noticing me I thought he felt the same even though he said nothing of the sort to me. The friend has stopped messaging me as I ignored her and refused to be drawn out. If anyone should have been confronting me it should have been BW but after the one message she has ignored me, obviously she regards me as not important, she won after all without even knowing there was a competiton for her husband's affection. From research I have made regarding typical affairs this was not typical as he did not romance me at all, no gifts, lunch dates, flowers in fact he made no effort at all. He never called me or texted me on weekends or days off or tried to meet up after or before work. He arrived at and left work on the dot every day, he made no effort in his appearance...absolutely nothing. I see on BW's FB page that they are working on their marriage and every little romantic gesture gets posted about (I think she hopes that I am checking up on her) and it hurts to see how much he loves her...and he does, you can't miss it, the photos speak volumes.

Edited July 31, 2012 by StupidChick
Text added

[whichwayisup]

I could actually see the disgust on his face and I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom. Why would he do this if he did not find me all that attractive as was obvious by his inability to have proper sex with me?

I don't think you made him sick. I think he made HIMSELF sick by trying to have sex with you. Mentally and physically every bone in his body, including his pecker, knew what he was doing was wrong .. This is why he threw up. He was digusted with himself. That he physically cheated, had sex with someone other than his wife. That's why he left and everything ended. It was a fun filled fantasy, something flirting and talking about was fun, but when it actually happened, he freaked out when it got taken to the next level. You are taking this way too personally and making it about you and making you feel worse.. I will say it again so you feel better .. It wasn't you, it's him. HE ***ed up, he went against his vows and had sex with someone other than his wife.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If he confessed the affair 3 months ago that happened years ago, then my guess is that you were the scapegoat and that he was trying to avoid getting caught in a newer situation. Forget about him and worry about why you would accept such treatment. You deserve better but you'll never get it until you believe that.

[StupidChick]

According to B*tch friend he confessed because he could not live with the thought of what he had done anymore as well as the fact that his BW was filing for divorce as she could no longer live with his incredible negativity and selfishness. He is now in individual counselling, marriage counselling, group therapy for porn addiction, cognitive behaviour therapy and on anti-depressants that he should have been on for a very long time because of some seriously damaging family history . The B*tch friend loved rubbing in the fact that I had an affair with a mentally ill man and that I broke him even further when I initiated the affair. It's true he was always moody and very negative and I put it down to unhappiness and thought I was making him happy. I was too in love to really notice otherwise. I have deleted my FB page and have made an appointment with a therapist. Thanks for all the advice, it is really appreciated.