I cheated and lost my best friend and soulmate. Please help me!

[mr pitt]

Hello, My name is Mike and Im the worst guy in the world. i had the best girlfriend ever, she is my soulmate, best friend, and is absolutely gorgeous to boot. we were together for 10 months and had talked about marriage numerous times. I was so happy that I found this girl because up until now I have hated girls and everyone that I date usually ends up annoying me by the end of the first week. we clicked on every level that is humanly possible and we are both very family oriented people so that brought us even closer. well, I screwed everything up because I went on spring break and alcohol took over my body. I cheated on her, and became the kind of guy that she had talked about wanting to get away from. On top of this I lied to her, not to get away with it and do it again, but because of the realization that I made a huge mistake and if she found out it would break her heart. this is my first serious relationship, so you can see that I have made 2 of the most grave mistakes. I love her so much and my days are so sad without her. its been 2 months and I dont want to move on and date, I have had chances. we are taking "a break" and its killing me.

 

I love her, and her family. She lives with her grandmother and in the summers she leaves to visit family for 2 months in alabama. Her grandmother has grown very fond of me and since I live only 30 seconds away and she is all alone,I have promised to keep her company while melanie is gone for the summer. I go see her every day and We go out to eat all the time. I try to keep her off my mind but her grandmother wants us to be together so she talks about her. the fact is, I love her with everything that I am, and am truly sorry I hurt her feelings and betrayed her trust, I dont know what I was thinking. Im not like every other guy, but I did act like one, so i have nothing to say. I really feel like she is the one for me, theres just something inside me that knows, ya know? any ideas on how to get her back. any suggestion would help. by the way, Ive been envoking the no contact thing for about 2 weeks now and her grandma says shes asking about me all the time.... so maybe it works. I really love this girl with all my heart fellas. I just need a second chance.

[hurting so bad]

Can i ask you, why did you cheat? If you are happy and your girl gives you sex, why did you cheat? was there something missing? or is it just that some girl boosted your ego up too high and you liked it? yes i know you were drunk but i never understood why that is an excuse.

[mr pitt]

I couldnt tell you why I did it. It was a terrible atmosphere on spring break and I guess the ego boost had something to do with it. I look back on it now and wonder why. there is no excuse for what I did, and im not saying alcohol is any means of justification, but It really does make you not care about your decisions. its completely awful. I regret putting myself in that position and betraying her.

[John1]

Hi There,

 

I can relate to everything you have said.. I was with my ex g/f for 4 years... the best 4 years of my life.. she was my everything.. soulmate, lover, best friend and girlfriend.. we were on the verge of moving in together and she went on holidays.. i went on a work night out and got totally drunk and kissed this other girl from work.. just a kiss..

People are saying that alcohol should not be an excuse are obvioiusly people who have never been through this.. Well I have been through this.. The girl I kissed.. Yes she was gorgeous.. but i worked with her every day and i never thought of her really in a different way.. I knew she had a serious b/f too.... Well anyway , my ex returned from holidays and i was in emotional turmoil so i suggested we split up.. even though this was the last thing that i wanted.. she was devastated and so was i..

over the next coming weeks i would ring her and ring her and ring her, she was my first serious g/f so this was my and her first breakup.. i never heard of NC to be honest...anyway she changed her number... then i started writing her letters ....i finally said enough is enough... its 13 months now since the split.. for a girl who wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me.. now she wants nothing to do with me.. maybe she is hurt.. or maybe well i definitely over pursued her... i begged and pleaded for her back... now we barely see each other at all and its all my fault.. i spoke to her 5 weeks ago and she was ok with me.. i again asked for 2nd chance .. she said no... that she is happy been single.. i have blown it big time... i never really gave her enough space to think...

The reason why im giving you this info. .is that i dont want you to make the mistakes i made... this was a girl who wanted to move in with me... marry me , have children together and spend the rest of our lives together but i have blown it big time.. personally i think she is been harsh but that only my opinion...

now we rarely speak to each other.. we used to speak up to 5 times a day.. in the 13 months apart we have spoken about 12 times.... i drove her away.. with my constant letters and messages and phone calls.. please dont do the same..

it looks like NC might be working for you.. just give her a bit of time alone , you obviously hurt her.. give her a bit of time and dont overpursue her if you decide to go that route

 

best of luck..

John

[Debster]

Jeez, not only do you cheat on her and lie about it but now you are trying to get to her through her granny?

 

Does her granny know what you did? If not, then don't you think she will be disgusted in you when she finds out about it and that you hid it from her pretending to be this 'nice guy'.

 

Take what you did as a learning situation. If you are happy with someone and care about them you don't cheat. No, not even when you are drunk. If you do, then you don't deserve them.

[jw32802]

I agree with the last person..., JOhn, you say that "those who say that alcohol shouldnt make you cheat havent been thru it?" ive been drunk and never thought of cheating ., NEVER. i do agree and understand that guys do it more and usually only for ego, but you proved my point when you said you know it was wrong! You lost her and if you had her back, would you cheat again? And why not? because you would fear losing her and you love her. Now that shows that back THEN, you didnt fear losing her so you figured, "ahh who cares" . if you wouldnt do it now then back then you just had too big of an ego

[John1]

i would like to think that ive learned from my mistakes... you asked if she came back would i cheat again..im confident the answer would be NO... i rarely drink anymore so definitely not actually... some people do actually learn from their mistakes... I never thought i was capable of cheating even if it was only a kiss.. i never thought i could do such a thing and hurt my ex... i am still racked with pain and guilt so to suggest that it was an ego thing is way off the mark.. anyway this is not about me and my ex.. i was only telling the guy my story so he wouldnt make the same mistakes thats all.. personally i regret what i have done.. and will have to live with it..

[amerikajin]

Cheating doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love the person you're with; it just means that you have issues with committing to your partner. At any rate, we can all agree that infidelity is usually not conducive to a good relationship.

 

Pitt, I believe you. I think you do love your ex. I think you do understand just how wrong your behavior was, and I believe that you are sincere in that you aren't trying to excuse what you did. You're different from some of the other people (I won't mention names) who post on these forums looking for "advice" (more like reassurance or sympathy).

 

The problem is, trust isn't an easy thing to repair. It doesn't matter whether you are drunk or not; it doesn't matter whether you really are sincere. Looking at things from her point of view, how does she know you won't do this again? You haven't spent even a day married and you've already cheated on her. What is she supposed to think? She has feelings, and despite your attempts to convey your understanding, the fact still remains that she got screwed...but not in the way she wanted.

 

Time, good behavior, an open mind and forgiving heart...those are the only things that can repair lost trust. If you're lucky, you two can possibly work things out. If not, then think of this as a learning experience.

[mr pitt]

thank you John and Amerikajin for suggestions and comments that are MEANINGFUL TO ME!!! to you others: I came to this site for advice and positive comments on how to get her back. I know what I did wrong, so does her grandmother, and how dare you, whoever said that im tyrying to get to her through her. She knows everything and is on my side. she says people make mistakes and can actually see my genuine regret and sincereness for the future. all I have been through is mental pain and anguish. as of now I am emotionally drained. I have a daily struggle not to contact her and its not getting better with time. she is deciding right now while she is away with family if she will attend a state school 4 hours away in which we have both decided will end any relationship, intimate or otherwise. I am praying she will not make a rash decision. any more femanine negativity toward me is not encouraged nor welcome. I have been through 2 months of hell, Im looking for some relief. ps... shes on a cruise right now, and i havent talked to her in about 3 weeks, should I just text message her and say hi or something? any suggestions. please everyone, in these times im not thinking rationally because all I want to do is see or talk to her.

 

thank you so much,

Michael

[hurting so bad]

Don't ask for advice then if you don't want ALL opinions. You only want the positive opinions and although it hurts to hear the negative, you are the one who wants her back and didndt know why she didnt want you back. We were only giving you a perspective as to why it hurts a girl so bad

[amerikajin]

Send her a message only if you told her you would. Otherwise, don't text message or contact her right now. Let her enjoy her time on her cruise. She needs time to think and get whatever it is on her mind processed. She will deal with you when she gets back. After she gets back, you can start from square one. Talk about the cruise and let her talk about the issues between you two at a pace she is comfortable with. Remember, it's her trust that has been broken. She's the one who's been placed involuntarily in this position. It's going to look better if you can let her go at her own pace.

 

When the issue comes up, don't kiss ass, but don't avoid the truth. Repeatedly make it clear to her that 1) you f_cked up and 2) you are aware of the fact that you f_cked up. Don't tell her you'll do anything to get her back. That's what she's expecting you to say and frankly, she doesn't want an ass kisser; she wants a man - a man of his word. Start the repair process by showing her that you're credible. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a time or place, don't be late (not even a minute). If you say you're going to meet her this weekend, by God don't even think of cancelling plans. If you say you're going to go to bed early tonight, go to bed early. If you say you're going to go jogging tomorrow at 5:30 in the morning, get your ass up and do it. No questions. No excuses. Make sure you follow through on everything. Be credible.

 

It takes a frustratingly long time to regain her trust, but it's possible that you can do it over time. You'll both have to be patient, though all along you will have to accept the fact that things may not turn out the way you want. She may not be able to deal with it and may decide that it's in her best interests to move on. And if she decides that, let her.

[Black Beauty]

Hi Mr Pitt,

 

Now, before I begin what I'm going to say, I have to tell you that I study psychology.

I'm not a pro or anything, but I talk to a lot of my friends and family about their problems and I think I'm good at getting to the bottom of things, that means the exact truth.

 

It looks like you've screwed up a lot and you know it. And as you know, when you cheat on someone, the trust is gone. But it's not just the trust that's gone, it's everything that your ex based your relationship on. It's destroyed. So if you were to ever be with her again, your relationship would be different.

 

If you have this connection like you say, then that will not be lost. But her whole outlook about you and your relationship will be. You will have to build a whole new relationship.

 

If she were to EVER forgive you, it would take a lot of time. And like one of those guys said, you have to let her take it at her own pace. That's where your decision making comes in, you have to decide if it's worth waiting for, no matter how long it takes. If you really love this girl, and believe in the two of you, you will stick around but if you feel that there is not hope left, then you have to move on.

 

I have a question. Don't be offended because I always analyze every little detail, but why add the part about "having the chance to date other girls"?

 

That just makes you seem cocky, it had nothing to do with your problem. If that's important enough to you to add into your story then maybe that's your whole problem. You want people to know you can get other girls. That one sentence makes it seem like, "Yeah, I can get other girls, but I want this one."

 

You don't have to point it out, you have already been with another girl and it just seems shallow to bring it up. I have to say something else. I've been cheated on before, and I've seen others, guys and girls, who have been cheated on also. The thing is, if you were drunk and it was just a kiss, that could be forgivable.

 

I think most people would agree if you two have this great bond, then she could understand. So that brings me to my question's about your story that don't make much sense.

 

I don't think you are telling us everything. You and she obviously know what really happened, and that's why it's so hard for her to get over. Did you do it more than once? Did you do more than you say now? Did you do it when you were sober? Or with one of her friends?

 

These are very important details and if you leave these out then all the advice that these people are giving you is meaningless, because they don't know the whole story.

 

Be fair to her and yourself and tell the truth. Like you said, you've already lied to her, but why keep the complete story from us.

 

We don't know you. Don't be offended, it' just that from my own experience and from what I've seen, there is always more to the story than what the offender tells.

 

My last and final questions: How did she find out? After she did find out, did you tell her the complete truth about everything? There's nothing to hide with us because we'll never meet you. We're just here to give advice and help you out. I'm not trying to make you feel worse about the situation. I get really interested in the topic of cheating in relationships, and I want to give the best advice i can.

 

So, if you want real advice about how to handle the situation, let it all out, don't hold back and post me back.