Is it okay for us to get married soon and against all odds?

[khrisgaile]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been going steady for 7 months now but since April I've been away to go to a different country to work until November and so we have been physically together for only about 3 and a half months but I feel that I know him already very much. He is very caring, very patient even with my insecurities and despite our situation he still stays with me. Although I know he is not perfect but for me he is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

 

But then we have a forbidden relationship due to the fact that my mother disapprove of my boyfriend because he didn't finish college and earning a degree is very important to her. My boyfriend though despite that is a very responsible man, very hardworking and is handling their very own family business. He is my first boyfriend and I love him very much and he also does. He already asked me to marry him and I have accepted.

 

We plan on telling my mother when I go back to our country that we are getting married next year but I am scared of how things will be.

 

The thing is I get so confused because people all around me tells me different things that I have to do. Some say go on and marry him, it is your life after all, some say it is too soon for both of you to decide to get married and in addition to that my mother and older members of our family pressures me on choosing somebody else. I come by the way from a traditional asian family and family oppinions really mean a lot to our culture but I am determined to fight for my boyfriend. I've been doing so already and have gotten conflicts with my mother. It really makes me sad to be torn between two people I love. But I still believe that it is my life and I have to decide what I should make out of it. I know my mother wants what is best for me. But what she thinks is best might not exactly be best and I love my boyfriend very much and I want to spend my whole life with him.

 

And yet I am afraid...I don't know if I am right or if those people who say it is too soon to tell if we are right for each other is right or if I should follow my heart and marry my boyfriend agaisnt all odds or wait until my mother finally accepts him before we get married...Please give me your oppinion on this matter...It will really mean a lot to me... I will be grateful for your time ...

[Yeti]

i just lost the perfect relationship with the perfect girl because she was put into your position. her family wanted not what was best for her happiness, but what was best for the family and there traditions. i come from a single parent home, where i have a mother who will stick by me no matter what decision i see fit to make with my life. i know not every family sees it this way, believing whatever decision one member makes decides on how society views the family as a whole. i was ready to commit my life to this girl, but her family disapproved of it and did everything in their power to ruin our relationship. they threated her with disownment, and accused me of corrupting her and their family. our relationship ended this pass week, i am now stuck with a ring...

 

man, i'm gonna be upset about this one for awhile...

 

if he means as much to you as you say he does, and trys to give you the world. go with your heart, most parents do tend to turn around with time. if you don't, you will feel much guilt and regret later.

[HoldOn]

khrisgaile, How old are you?

[khrisgaile]

Thank you Yeti...

I feel sad about your situation and am grateful to u for your reply..It makes me feel that I am not alone in this world having to go through with this...I will always bear in mind your story whenever I feel discouraged and continue on with fighting for him... I hope you and your girlfriend will still be able to fix things... I understand though her situation coz it is really hard..I've been threatened to be disowned as well..God Bless and Thnk you again..

 

I am 26 and He's 28

[Naive]

You only live life once, so why make yourself unhappy to make others happy? If he makes you happy and you know that you want spend the rest of your life with him then go for it!!! I'm sure that when your mother sees how happy you are she will understand. Right now she's probably putting up a fight because you're not married yet and she has not given him the opportunity to show her what a good man he is, but once you are married she has no choice but to get to know him and hopefully sees how happy he makes you and no degree can give you that type of hapiness!!!

 

Do what your heart tells you because if you do not marry this man just to please your mother you will probably always live with the question "what If". Not to sound harsh, but your mom already lived her life, it's your turn to live yours!!!

 

Good Luck!

[khrisgaile]

Dear Naive2001 ,

Thank you for your moral support...There are alot of friends of mine who also say the same thing to me... And like them your words helped me... I have really decided to fight for him already..but then of course I ams till scared of what might happen on that encounter when we are already going to tell my mother that we are getting married.

 

Before I left, I promised him that when I return..I'll marry him... and I've already thought of the possibilities that I might be kicked out of the house and at My mother won't attend our wedding which she told me she would do... She told me to tell my boyfriend first to finish his studies before he can come to our house but considering their line of business and his need to go out of town regularly to meet clients which is every two months he will not be able to do so... My other concern is that some people who does not really disagree on our relationship disagrees on us planning to get married soon because they say that weve been steady for just less than a year.. They say that I still don't know him well...I believe I know him already but they don't believe me..

 

Do you think I am just blinded by my Love and that we still need time to get to know each other..Is time really essential? Thank you once again for your time.. God Bless you all..

[SoleMate]

Let's try not to make this into a strict black and white decision. I think that it is important to live your own life, but it is also important to respect your mother, and her wisdom and her feelings. Your BF does not have a college education, but is hardworking, responsible, and loving and supportive towards you. This has got to count for something with your mom, right? Can you really have a heart to heart with her where you both listen with very open ears about what is important in a potential marriage partner for you? What about a compromise, like your BF planning to work on a degree via night school, or delaying marriage for a short while, or something else that might meet her hopes at least partially?

 

Also, don't just drop a bomb on your mother with a big announcement about marriage. Work her up to it...let her know that things are getting serious, and what he means to you, and what your hopes and dreams are. If she feels included in this decision process, it will be easier for her to take even if the decision is not what she would have made.

 

Mostly, don't lose your hope. It is a wonderful thing to be loved and to be setting out on a journey together...even if it looks like the harbor is about to be hit with a family typhoon!

[HoldOn]

You know, I have been in this situation before. When my whole family did not approve my of my bf, and they turned out to be right. He was 8 years older and hadn't finished college. I thought they were being judgemental and ridiculous, but I was blinded by love. He ended up taking me for over $10,000 and just being a jerk in general.

 

Is there anything else objectionable about your bf that you haven't said? I'm not implying that you are lying Just wondering if there's anything else we need to know.

[khrisgaile]

Dear Soulmate,

 

Thank you for your reply Honestly, I am really trying to make my mother know that I still love and still want to be with my boyfriend by fighting for him in our discussion by telling her that he is a good man and that I love him and that he loves me very much...because I don't want to shock her...But she tells me that she wouldn't accept him...If I want to marry him then its as if she doesn't have me as her daughter..And then after getting angry she is normal again and I thought she gave in already..And yet when she learned that my boyfriend called me.. she was angry again.. I realized that she thought I agree to what she wants already.. But this is not a question of who agrees or not.. Its all about my life and my happiness and I feel so sad she couldn't understand that...

 

I understand that she just wants what is best for me..but her fears are unrealistic... She says that if a guy doesn't finish school then he is more likely to cheat...and its a shame on her part to have her daughter marry someone who didn't finish school.. My motherside family by the way is a rich and high class family and she is afraid of what they might say...And she is afraid that he might have other girl friends because he didn't finish school and he goes to provinces often..but I trust him I know he will be loyal to me because he promised me that and he doesn't make promises often...

 

About postponing our marriage...well the problem is that his mother wants us to get married soon.. His mom approves of me. And I don't want her to think that I cannot fight for his son..Its already sad to have one mom disapprove...Just to let you know both of our fathers already passed away so our mother's opinion really matter.. although I am sure he would be fighting for me no matter what but still I want his mom to like me always...

 

About the compromise my bf and I just talked the other night and he is thinking about going to a computer school to attend a short course coz that is the only thing his time can permit him to.. As I've mentioned, he goes to different places because he visits clients often and that means he has to go to provinces every two months or one month for 5 weeks...He only stays longer from October to January since itsChristmas season...

 

But then this is one thing that I haven't told you yet H e is not exactly thrilled about the idea...

[khrisgaile]

one reason is because of the lack of time, another reason is because he feels that he is too old already... And he doesn't really like the idea of going back to school already.. and he thinks its not anymore realistic to do so because he is already stable..Maybe you guys would ask how am I sure...Well I've already met his family and attended theri family business' Christmas party nd have also been to their office...

 

Hi Hold on

About your question if there is anything yet I haven't mentioned well to tell you the truth , He is not exactly the perfect person in the world.. Although he cares for me a lot and gets mad at me if I don't take care of myself, He is sometimes too busy with work that there were times he was not able to answer my sms messages... We are far from each other so those messages really mean alot to me and we've already talked about it and he promised to reply to all my messages already and so far he is fulfilling it.. He also has these mood swings..thaat is why I told him that there are times I don't want to tell him some things because I am afraid he might not feel good about it..Especially if it is about my problem with my mom...

 

Hmm.. My mother and him had a talk already before and it did not turn right... My mom told him that he is not good for me coz our level of education is not equal and it really hurt him... So far that is all I can think of ..

 

And yes.. He is not tall and he is not handsome in general standards..but for me he is ..

 

For the record..I fell in love with him gradually...It was not love at first sight..I fell for him because I feel that he loves me very much and He will take care of me.. feel secure when I am with him...

[SoleMate]

He also has these mood swings..thaat is why I told him that there are times I don't want to tell him some things because I am afraid he might not feel good about it..

 

Mood swings aren't good...especially when you feel you can't talk about important things because you are afraid of his reaction. Perhaps you can take another look at the whole situation. Also, don't let HIS mother rush you into marriage. All this maternal pressure (pro and con) is making it hard for you to really make your own independent evaluation of the relationship.

 

As far as him cheating...I have never heard that college educated men cheat less than those with less education. Is that just someone's belief, or are there facts to back it up? I would say that your mother does have a point about all his travel to the provinces being a risk factor for cheating. (Do you live in China by any chance?) Just his promise that he won't cheat is NOT enough to base your belief on, sorry to say. You need to see him being trustworthy in everything he does, even "small" things like SMS messaging you when he promised he would. If you say it's important to you and he promises, then it's a BIG thing! As far as travel and your LDR goes, if I were you, I would definitely talk about the risks for cheating that he will be facing and how he intends to deal with them. If he gets mad and won't discuss it, that is a VERY bad sign.

 

Let him earn your total love and trust with his loving and trustworthy behavior for six more months at least, THEN it will be time to talk about marriage plans.

 

Marriage is (or should be) for a lifetime. If your husband cheats, fails to keep his promises, or has a mental illness, you will be experiencing LOTS of pain that just keeps on going. So check this guy out thoroughly. Your happiness depends on it.

[HoldOn]

Getting married soon because his mother wants you to is a silly reason. Just as silly as NOT getting married because your mother doesn't want it.

 

You need to spend one year dating and one year engaged before you can know if any man is right for you. Hey everyone, I know there are exceptions to every rule, but she barely knows him. Especially considering this has been an LDR.

 

Also, when you are talking to your mom try not to say. "He loves me" or "I love him." as your reason for wanting to get married. It tends to sound immature and like you haven't really thought through all the consequences. And from my experience, it will just annoy your parents.

 

Please try to figure out whether YOU really want to marry him, regardless of your mother or his mother's wishes...

[khrisgaile]

Ooops I guess you misunderstood me...We did not have a long distance relationship at the start it was only when I left this April that we are having LDR but I am planning to get back soon.. As for me not being able to tell him everything before... we already talked about it and honestly, I don't think its really him..Coz I am a very insecure person and I think too much so that's what I was thinking..It may sound that I am trying to defend him but its true... When I texted him that I had to fix myself he told me to tell him what was bothering me,he promised he would listen well,so I told him and he listenned well and understood ...

 

About the SMS, he promised me already he would reply always and he now does..I didn't tell him before that I was bothered about it because I didn't want him to feel suffocated with me so he didn't know ..When I told him about it taht's the time he knew,and he changed.. About me marrying him.. I really want to marry him with my own decision.. His mothern is also a big reason though... but I also really want to do it.. About me telling my mom he loves me and I love him... well that is the only reason I can tell because my mom doesn't know that we've been steady already..she just knows I love him..so I cannot tell her the other reasons why I am sure about him...through being with him a lot of time... When I was back home... we spent every day together without my mom knowing... and I see him clearly well... I am so sorry it is really hard to explain things here... I guess it is best if you guys meet him yourself to tell ..

[khrisgaile]

I know though it is impossible but those people who met him.. my uncle and my closest friends..they all like him for me..only those who haven't really gotten to know him doesn't...

 

Thank you so much for your advises..i know you guys mean well..

[Mr Spock]

I would consider dating for a LOT longer, and possibly living together before marriage (this is not always acceptable, I understand) but 7 months isn't very long to know someone.

[khrisgaile]

It is not advisable to live together before getting maried in our culture.. If I do that I will be evn more in trouble.. Am not from china by the way.. And its our 8 monthsery now.. I paln to go back home November and we plan to get married next year still so we still have around 6 months after I go home..

Dear Ms. Soulmate and Ms. Holdon ,

I am so sorry if my explanations are not clear... It is hard to explain things without sounding that I am defending him or trying to make him look like a hero..people always say love is blind and on other people's point of view I may just be experiencing that.. But to prove his love for me..One is the fact that he didn't leave me despite all the insults of my mother.. I didn't tell you everything taht really happened because I don't want you guys to think that my mom is bad...

 

My mother has already changed a lot already so I don't want to let you guys know already what happenend in the past.. but if you knew you would surely admire him..

[Naive]

If it feels right get married. There are so many couples that go out for years and are engaged for a real LONG time and their marriage only lasts a few months and couples that have been together a way smaller amount of time and tie the knot stay together for a way longer time. It all depends on a lot of different circumstances.

[khrisgaile]

Thank you very much to all those who replied to me.. Yeti, Naive2001,soulmate,Mr. spock and Hold on.

I am thankful to people like you who take time to help out other people in need of advises... I know that we all have different opinions and therefore the may be some of your views that I may have willingly accepted and others that still took some time for me to sink in and still others I wouldn't accept..but all the same I am thankful coz your words made me realize things ...

I spoke with someone today.. and she told me that I just have to talk well with my mom and make her realize I had grown up and after wards she may acccept my decisions and trust them.. It made me think..she makes sense.. Hmm well just so you guys know... I didn't grow up with my mom coz she and my dad were working overseas...I grew up with my aaunts so we don't really know each other that much..

 

its only now that we have been adjusting and the reason why we are now together is not even nice...My dad passed away so she decided to stay with us already... but were getting along better now..

 

I just wish I can really be mature coz sometimes I feel that I still am not......I know that this is supposed to be written in a different thread but can you possibly tell me how to tell if a personis mature or not?

 

Thanks a lot..God Bless!!!

[sho]

Hi, this is my first post to any kind of message board, so tell me if I say anything inappropriate.

 

I just felt that you are a bit rushing towards marriage, and that might be related to the fact that you assess yourself as immature and insecure.

 

If you are already 26 and from a traditional Asian family (I am 25 and from Asia by the way) I think your mother wiil be FORCED to approve your partner after 3 or 4 years anyway.

In addition, by showing your mother that you two can be together more than a few years I suppose that you could more effectively persuade her about the stability of your relationship.

Even if he is from a traditional family as well, it wouldn't be a critical problem for a guy to get married at the age of 32, I guess, although that might worry his mother a bit.

I think you can try to persuade his mother, and him if you need, that you need to adopt a long-term strategy.

 

I have a feeling that you are hurrying to decide whether or not to marry him not just because of the family problems that you mentioned but more fundamentally due to your own mental instability (I am not meaning to insult you in any sense).