a shell of my former self

[Artie Lang]

so, how long are you gonna keep posting here so you'll keep from contacting him? this type of thing can only work for so long.

 

you need to really dig deep.

 

 

then again, all is null and void given how much you care for him.....you're obsessed with the idea of him.

 

getting through to you is a hopless endeavor.

[Emme]

it was 9 years ago. he got engaged 9 years ago. yes, he was completely in love with me but because i was shutting down every time he got close, he didn't break up w/ her because as i said, he's one of those with a compulsive need to be in a relationship and cannot define himself w/o it. she was a safety net that his family (especially his mother) adored/adores. every year of his adult life, he's been in one relationship after another, spending virtually no time alone. he moved in quickly with whatever gf he was with at the time, always moving in with or relocating for. you remember the movie Runaway Bride where every time Julia Roberts' character got involved with someone and took it all the way to an engagement, the men were all so happy because she turned into exactly what they wanted? she didn't even know who she really was, she'd get caught up in someone and mold herself to be exactly who that person wanted to be? That's my MM. it's what he's always done. he's been betrayed in the past (before this W of his) and has been in several unhealthy relationships where he felt he needed to save his SO from herself. he struggles w/ low self-esteem.

 

He got out of an awful marriage and then he met me. I am *nothing* like the women he's been w/ before. for starters, he's never needed to save me from myself or rescue me though of all his past SOs, i had probably the most f'ed up childhood of them all. i was stronger, always the stronger one. i had my own interests and while i was happy to share them w/ him ("share" meaning tell him what my interests were), i wouldn't let him become a version of himself he thought i wanted. i let him be HIM. he loved that. i pushed him to focus on what he liked to do, what made *him* happy. he was broken and bitter when he met me. but with me, he flourished, he was happy and he looked forward to the time he spent w/ me. he got to be who he was and our friendship just grew. at this point he still didn't have a gf and wasn't seeing anyone. late that first year is when he went out w/ *her*. it wasn't til a few months later when the sparks started flying btwn us that i found out he had a gf but again, he pursued me relentlessly, ready to end it w/ her to be with me. all i had to do was say "yes".

 

 

the times we were together recently (no intimacy though i strongly suspect that that would've happened too if we had gotten together for my bday) . . . he was telling me he couldn't trust her. i told him i would never have hurt him like that and he said, "i know." he was starting to consider me again. if the bday celebration had happened, he would've wanted to see me again after that too. none of his emotions are an act. he doesn't play at loving me or telling me what i want to hear. he knows my history and therefore knows i can sniff BS from miles away.

 

yes i know it kills me that he still keeps choosing to stay with her when he could have me. but as i've said before, he'd crumble to pieces at the thought of having to take the steps to leave because then all the scrutiny would be on him. he told me recently he was trying to figure out the next stage of his career but can't even work up the guts to make that change. he remains stagnant.

 

ha! so far, i've highlighted his conflict-avoidance, stagnant behavior, low self-esteem and spinelessness. why in hell would i want to be with someone like that? because with him, i am the safest i have ever felt even w/ those not so admirable qualities. and with me, he is his authentic self which i don't think he ever fully embraced (just shades of it in his time w/ me). safety is huge to me. all i want at this point is for him to man up and say it is done. i'm no stalker nor would i continue to hold on to someone who tells me it's over. i do not pine for someone who tells me clearly in words, "it's over." i do have more self-respect than that. i could mourn the loss and then be like, "Fine." i've been in other relationships that ended. i didn't spend a second pining after them and wanting to know why or hoping for a second chance. i'm not like that. once it's over, it's done to me. he won't even give me that which really angers me because if i'm holding on, well he's holding on too. See? it's not just me fantasizing or whatever. it's not that he's continuously choosing her over me because he wants to be with her. it's choosing to be in that life because it's become a routine and breaking from that is extremely uncomfortable. and as i told him a few years ago, it's simply easier to stay w/ someone who your family adores and has welcomed into the fold than it is to be with me. yes he's fine when he doesn't hear from me and he's happy when he does, i know that. but fine doesn't mean "happy". fine just means that he can keep playing his married life charade.

 

i'm still going to live my life because i'm not going to let my goal slip from my fingers for him. i was willing to walk away from that if he came back to me simply because that lifestyle is not conducive to a healthy relationship. i would want to be with him, i would want kids with him and i'd want to be in bed w/ him every night and the life i'm choosing to live makes none of that possible. i *am* tired of being an escape hatch though. the last email i sent him was in mid-June and i asked him to please just email and say, "it's over. be the man i know you to be and just say, i'm done here and you'll never hear from me again." he didn't do that. nor has he blocked my emails.

 

like i said, i am NOT in any way going to call him a scumbag, cheater, loser or whatever. i am still very deeply in love with him and have not yet untangled myself from it. i post here to keep myself from contacting him as all NCs before have failed. this time i have to see myself through it. i get enough "tough love" from my friends and i've stopped speaking to one of them because she kept texting me to say, "he doesn't love you. you're nothing to him" and that only made me sink further. should i come to the realization that i really don't mean **** to him, i will on my own time. i'm not there yet. please don't force me to be.

 

 

The mass of your entire post has to do with him. It doesn't say much about you. You want to feel safe, he's not the only man that can accomplish that. You can't just take him off the self when you want anymore. That is what I would like you to acknowledge. No one on this forum can push you. You will heal in your own time. The one thing I do want from you is to heal by walking in the right direction. We don't want you standing still or walking the wrong way. He is not the only man who can love you. You can't be loving or be loved if he's a part of your life.

[rhw]

yes he *is* the only one who makes me feel safe. not so with anyone else ever. i would rather live alone and die alone than EVER let anyone in. i still don't know how he got in, past my walls and security checks. but he did and i felt safe.

 

oh well i'm just not gonna post about *my* stuff anymore. i can offer hugs to people who need it or a listening/reading ear.

 

i already got years of therapy to deal with the trauma i went through as a kid. i don't need more.

[jwi71]

I have a question.

 

How did this spineless, needy, conflict avoiding MM managed to get out of his first M?

And then, pursues you despite your "shutting down".

 

How do you reconcile those adjectives with his behavior?

 

It's not adding up for me.

[rhw]

I have a question.

 

How did this spineless, needy, conflict avoiding MM managed to get out of his first M?

And then, pursues you despite your "shutting down".

 

How do you reconcile those adjectives with his behavior?

 

It's not adding up for me.

 

it was more out of desperation because she was confirmed psychotic and suicidal (with multiple attempts). he felt like he failed in that marriage and was feeling so low when we met. and yes, he pursued me constantly.

 

ladygrey- you're right; in the beginning when he was pursuing me i could enjoy all that w/o ever having to risk my complete self; hence me shutting down every time he got closer. he told me he hated that and said, "i don't believe you'll ever admit to loving someone because its' too scary for you." but i realized he does make me feel safer; it's not false. i hate vulnerability and will avoid it at all costs (clearly, him being the greatest cost when he could actually be w/ me) and it scared me to no end that he was the one man i could let in when feeling vulnerable and he would make it okay. and that scared the f'ing daylights out of me because i went through my entire childhood and adolescence on fight mode (as opposed to flight). i thought of that as complacency but with him there was never a feeling of "when one shoe drops..." i was completely safer than ever. i built my whole life before him around my goals, around never wanting love or marriage or kids and all that. it was what the 7 yr old in me needed. him coming into my life changed everything. i would never give up my dream for anyone but i was willing to if it meant a life with him. that scared me. i confessed all this to him 2 years ago. he knows how i feel.

 

anyway, i've said enough. i'm somewhere between wanting to say "F it. i'm through even if you aren't" and still very deeply in love.

[jwi71]

it was more out of desperation because she was confirmed psychotic and suicidal (with multiple attempts). he felt like he failed in that marriage and was feeling so low when we met. and yes, he pursued me ...

 

If you would endge just a bit more...I'd like to see if we can connect the dots.

 

He always needs to be in an R.

He left his first W.

He had a GF when he pursued you.

 

Was his then GF his OW?

I'm trying to figure how, given his need to not be alone, he left the W.

I'm clearly thinking his now W was his OW from his first M.

 

Or did he leave without having someone "to run to".

 

It's something you may wish to ponder. Or share in case you already know.

 

Because of he did leave his first W and had an OW, he begins to sound like serial cheater.

 

If not, then how was he able to leave then but not now?

 

Let's try, if we can, to think logically and rationally and less emotionally.

 

Help us help you.

[Quiet Storm]

he's always been the only man i ever trusted or who got in all the way (i keep barriers around my heart to let everyone out; he got in all the way to my heart from the very start).

 

If there is anyone that you need to protect yourself from, it's him.

 

It does no good to analyze him or the reasons he does what he does. This was an unhealthy relationship, and all you need to know is that it's over.

 

You are a shell of your former self and this has been going on for a very long time. Now it's time to let this go and get YOU back.

 

In a healthy relationship, he would build you up and bring out your best qualities. In healthy relationships, you don't turn into a shell. He has sucked all the life out of you and you are fading away. You have the power to stop it and choose you!

[alexandria35]

The reason you feel safe with him is because he is married. You have a fear of intimacy and commitment and he is safe because subconciously you know he will never demand all of you. His marriage and the nature of your relationship allows a safe distance. You think you are willing to give up everything to be with him 100%. I'd bet a million dollars that if he showed up at your doorstep today with his bags in his hand, ready to move in with you, that you would soon be shutting him out and pushing him away again. Because you don't feel safe with someone who is truly emotionally available and who expects the same openess and availability from you. When you meet someone who can truly give of themselves to you and wants you to truly give yourself to them, it feels unsafe and you close down. I suspect that the reason you opened up to him in the first place was partly due to knowing he had another gf. That made you feel safe because he wasn't 100% available even back then.Then he got married and that made him even safer. You feel safest in a triangle where you will never be 100% the focus of someone else. You don't want somebody to get that close to you, to demand that kind of intimacy on a daily basis so you have chosen someone who will never be able to do that. Can you not see this? There is no other reason for you to feel safer with him than anyone else other than his marriage and his inability to commit to you. Ask yourself why you can't ever get close to another man. Are they all axe murderers or something? What is it about an available man that makes him unsafe while your married man is safe? Think about this. If you don't get over this fear of intimacy then the next man you fall for (if there is a next man) will also be unavailable in some way.

[rhw]

had a whole timeline, then thought f it. i'm not going to get over this.

 

not yet anyway. and no, i do NOT ever, ever EVER want to be with anyone, to ever let anyone get close to me. it requires vulnerability which i do not do well and he is the only one i felt safe with even if the only reason i felt safe is because i never had to give all of myself.

 

funny, i have thought of that. if he did come here and say, i love you, i'm here now, i would very likely freak the hell out because i will not do emotional intimacy. then again, it's him and i do love him and i told him two years ago that if he ever gave me a second chance to say yes when i should've the first, i will say i love him to his face even if it scares me to death in the process. but he has to do that soon because my dream is starting to take shape and i'm not so sure after pursuing the dream and holding onto it for my life, that i'd be so willing to let it go. i can't have both, not with this job. one or the other. it scared me that i would choose him over the job, like i was betraying the kid in me who fought for this.

 

but no, i will live alone and i will be fine alone. i will *NEVER* let anyone in no matter what... except him because he is already in.

Edited August 2, 2012 by rhw

[alexandria35]

I saw your timeline before you deleted it. From reading that as well as your first post here it seems that you have only seen this man a handfull of times over the past 6 years. I get my hair cut about once every three to four months and I think I'm having a more intimate meaningful relationship with my my hairstylist then you have with this married man. At least I get to see her a few times a year. How can this man whom you have only seen and spoken to very sporadically over the past 6 years bear so much importance in your life? He is safe because he is a fantasy.

[alexandria35]

had a whole timeline, then thought f it. i'm not going to get over this.

 

not yet anyway. and no, i do NOT ever, ever EVER want to be with anyone, to ever let anyone get close to me. it requires vulnerability which i do not do well and he is the only one i felt safe with even if the only reason i felt safe is because i never had to give all of myself.

 

funny, i have thought of that. if he did come here and say, i love you, i'm here now, i would very likely freak the hell out because i will not do emotional intimacy. then again, it's him and i do love him and i told him two years ago that if he ever gave me a second chance to say yes when i should've the first, i will say i love him to his face even if it scares me to death in the process. but he has to do that soon because my dream is starting to take shape and i'm not so sure after pursuing the dream and holding onto it for my life, that i'd be so willing to let it go. i can't have both, not with this job. one or the other. it scared me that i would choose him over the job, like i was betraying the kid in me who fought for this.

 

but no, i will live alone and i will be fine alone. i will *NEVER* let anyone in no matter what... except him because he is already in.

 

So since you're not going to deal with your fear and you're not going to let go of this MM, how exactly are you planning to stop being a shell of your former self?

[jwi71]

I too saw and read the timeline.

Thank you for sharing, it was helpful information.

 

It did help paint him in a better light and I have a former grasp of him.

 

His been cheating on her from day one (with you).

 

He's also been lying by omission from day one (to you).

 

I have doubts about her A. Especially if his family is still adoring her. Now, it could be that he didn't tell anyone. Except you. And that's more problem than may be first apparent.

 

We already know he has been lying and cheating to or on you both. It is not outrageous to think he uses the "she had an A too" to further justify and hook you in.

 

LG and Alexandria have good points. Ones you may wish to consider.

 

Healing is a process. With starts, stops and even regressions. You know this.

 

Don't quit now.

[Artie Lang]

save your breath people, she's a lost cause.

 

go ahead and start picking up stray cats, already.

[rhw]

her A happened.

 

he walked in on them. it didn't get to that level but he definitely walked in on very inappropriate behavior. what he really should've done is walked out. that was his cue and i know that.

 

he said they spent the following year working through everything to try to stay together. but she admits she loves this other person. of course she's not going to tell his family. when so many ppl have in-law troubles, why should she forsake his entire family's blind adoration? the problem lies with him being too weak to leave that even though he was very hurt. he is not a serial cheater, he is not a liar or one that feeds off lying to be a cake-eater or whatever. he probably wouldn't have left his first M if that thing hadn't been very obviously destructive.

 

anyway, i have to come to healing on my own. i'm obviously nowhere near that. i have to deal with the anger from being left this way. i have to deal with the anger of suddenly not feeling like the woman i've always been. i have to deal with a lot but right now, tough love isn't what i need. i don't want anyone making him out to be this selfish cake eating bastard because he is not. and if one day i decide to call him out on that, then that's on me. but unless you were in *this* particular r'ship, even if it has shades of every similar A like it, then you can't know what the other person was feeling. there was love. there still is. i hate what he has done. i hate how i feel right now but i've never doubted that he loved me and always me. his marriage isn't going to last because neither one of them is being fair. i'm sure his W's OM is in the same boat as me. they do a good job acting but when both spouses' hearts are elsewhere, eventually it's going to come crashing down.

[jwi71]

Well, then good luck to you.

[rhw]

thank you, sincerely. i'll get there when i get there.

 

this was the first year i didn't email him on his bday. that in itself was huge for me and i posted here to keep myself from doing so in the proceeding hours and days. i'm safely over that hump now.

 

i write letters i don't send, i write NC on every single day of my calendar to remind me not to AND when it gets really bad, i do what my mom suggested i do: write "_____ is dead to me" on a piece of t.p. and watch it flush down the toilet.

 

i'm the place of not wanting to hold on but not being able to let go either.

[Emme]

Reconsider getting more help with your commitment issues. Your list of things to do sounds great so far. What you need to add to the list is what are your expectations for yourself. Reflect more on you, less on him.