I can't figure out what my feelings are toward my friend.

[Trippitaka]

Hello,

 

I have a little problem at the moment and I wondered if anyone may be able to offer any advice. I'll give you a little backstory:

 

I am good friends with a girl I met at work just over five years ago. At the time we were seeing other people and the thought of any romantic involvement didn't enter my head, just as I am sure it didn't enter hers. We didn't see a great deal of each other outside of work, but became good friends at work. I think this was down to an understanding that always existed between us. We had many many things in common and I don't remember ever meeting someone that I understood so fully so quickly. It was one of those situations where we almost seemed to be able to read each other's minds and predict what the other was about to say.

 

Anyway, I left that job about two and a half years later. We didn't speak much after that. The odd email here and there and we'd meet every once in a while, normally when someone had arranged some sort of work reunion, but not much really. This all changed about six months ago. I think she'd just gotten hooked up with a PC and internet at home so we started chatting on MSN. The friendship was rekindled from there. The emails between us became commonplace and we'd speak on MSN at least two or three times a week. This also led to us starting to meet up more often.

 

Anyway, I started to remember all the reasons that we had gotten on so well when we worked together and I came to really look forward to our chats and when we were next going to meet. I find her really easy to talk to. We'd recently both gone through a similar bad experience and this seemed to make us closer.

 

Even at this point my thoughts were purely platonic. If any of you happened to read my previous thread on this site, (there was another friend that I did have romantic intentions towards which never came to anything in the end), this was all going on at this point and my goals did not waver.

 

A bit over two months back I had a barbecue at my house which she came to and we had a really good time. A few days later I'd learn that this was the day after she had split up with her current boyfriend and she would learn that it was the day before I said "enough is enough" to the girl in my other thread. We talked at length about each others problems and experiences in that regard. From this point the friendship seemed to step up a gear. We started talking every day. Other than the frequency of contact it was now a lot more by telephone than by MSN. I was quite surprised actually when she started phoning me just to chat, rather than having a need to speak to me. I started to enjoy it more and more so then I would phone up 'just to chat as well'. Since then I could count the days on one hand that we haven't chatted on one format or the other.

 

OK, backstory over, here's the problem: Since the aforementioned barbecue, fuelled by some of the subject matter that she brought up in our conversations I entertained the possiblity that she might have feelings toward me that were beyond merely the platonic. As soon as this notion entered my head I thought to myself 'hold on a moment, do I have those feelings too?' And this really is the question. Ultimately, I suppose I'd need to find out what her intentions are, but this isn't too important right now. All I know is that for the past couple of months she's been on my mind a lot. I mean a lot. I want to either see her, or failing that speak to her, whenever possible.

 

I figure to myself that the reason I am unsure about my own feelings is that I haven't seen her enough since the question entered my head. This girl lives quite far from me. Not a crazy, insurmountable distance - about 30 miles away. The kind of distance where you can't really just 'drop by' and you can't really say 'do you fancy meeting for a drink' without feeling the need to have some sort of event planned.

 

The whole idea scares me quite a bit. I've come to really appreciate her friendship, (as you may have gathered) and I'd hate to screw this up by declaring any of my thoughts about this to her. I don't imagine a course of events that would lead to the friendship ending, but I can imagine several courses of events the may lead to it not being quite the same, with us not being able to talk so freely anymore. It isn't a question of not having the courage to broach the subject. That part's easy. If I thought to myself that I knew exactly what I wanted then I'd go right up to her and tell her. However I don't feel comfortable about going up to her and saying something along the lines of "listen, there's a possibility that I have romantic intentions towards you, but I won't know for sure until I get the chance to spend some more time with you."

 

So really I'd appreciate anything that any of you may be able to think of that may be able to help me here. Does the fact that I am not sure mean that I don't really want this to go further or could this kind of apprehension arise anyway in this kind of situation? Should I tell her what's going through my mind right now? (It's just about the only thing I don't tell her about.) Should I try to engineer ways of meeting up with her more, but try to pretend that there is no hidden agenda? Should I ask her what she thinks of me?

 

I'm just at a loss. We get on so well and seem to have such a connection that I'd hate for neither of us to explore this possibility purely because we're friends already or because we're not too sure what the outcome might be. I'm also a little worried that I may just be enjoying the attention that I'm now getting and this may just be making me imagine things that aren't there. I know I find her attractive and I know that all I want to do is hold her in my arms right now and tell her that she means the world to me, but I just can't figure out if my emotions are trying to deceive me. I hate the fact that I can't talk to her about this and I hate the fact that I'm not getting the chance to spend time with her (face to face) to explore my own feelings. Please help!

 

Many thanks in advance,

 

Trip

[missy10]

Trip: I'm no expert but here's my two cents . . . take a breath! All kidding aside from reading your post - you are definitely on the fence perhaps because you fear mucking up a good solid friendship. Since this isn't something you have to know the answer to tomorrow - why don't you give yourself some time to let your feelings sink in, see each other a little more, watch her body language and really listen to what she has to say and you may find she has the same hots for you? You could just be in the wonderful "infatuation stage" where you think about her day and night without really understanding what your heart is telling you.

 

You are a lucky man and she seems like she is probably a lucky lady. My advice is take it slow, perhaps do a pros and cons sheet of a relationship with her vs not and try and see more of each other. When the time is right the two of you will probably talk about it and then you can way your options verbally.

 

Good luck and sweet dreams!

 

Missy10

[Trippitaka]

Hi Missy. Thanks for your post. Yeah, your advice makes sense. I realise that I will get this all figured out if and when I get to see her a lot more. The trouble is, with her living the distance away this isn't too straightforward and speaking on the phone or MSN doesn't seem to help me too much. The best I seem to be able to do is maybe once on a weekend. In actual fact I have seen her now in about three weeks. I suppose I'm kind of worried about 'missing the boat' in this respect.

 

If she's not busy she seems to be normally up for meeting me for whatever reason. I guess it's just frustrating that she doesn't live close by so that I'd have plenty of time to just hang out with her without it meaning anything so that I can sort out what I'm feeling.

 

I just wish I could be more clear on this. In one respect I'm thinking to myself 'Yeah, this would be prefect. We were clearly made for each other,' and in another respect I'm wondering whether I'm just subconsciously looking for something to fill the void left by the last object of my affection. Not knowing what the girl is thinking is usually my problem and I've learnt several ways of dealing with it. Not knowing what I'm thinking is starting to drive me a bit insane right now.

[Trippitaka]

Well... this has taken me some time. It tends to whenever I have something like this to think through, but over the last couple of months since I last posted I have had the oppotunity to spend a lot more time with her and through this have decided clearly in my mind that I do want more - I want the relationship - I want it all. In fact, I've got ahead of myself a little bit, like I do, and I've gotten myself pretty hooked on her. I also feel like I have spent far too long without saying anything, like I do.

 

Anyway, the time is right now. She's been on holiday the last week or so and I've found myself really missing her. We've arranged to meet as it is on the day she lands back in the country (Tuesday morning,) and I've decided that so long as the situation, mood, etc, is fitting then I'll tell her how I feel then, in some way.

 

My question, if anyone is able to offer any advice, is with regard to how to approach the subject. I know that she is at a point where she is fed up with being screwed around by guys and she is looking for something real from someone - someone who wants the real deal and is not just after the one thing that she thinks all guys are only after! I'm worried, though, that if I start telling her that she means a lot to me and that I'd be committed and I'm in it for the long term that I'd run the risk of scaring her off by being too overbearing. I'm also worried that if I play it really casually with a sort of a "listen, we have a lot of fun, do you fancy.... etc, etc" then she may think that I am just looking for some sort of casual fling and she may place me in the same category as some of the other guys she has had bad experiences with.

 

I know this is probably a really common sort of a question here, but because this has suddenly worked itself up in my mind to be something that is really important to me, I don't want to risk doing this wrong as I think in the past I've messed these situations up by going for each of the above approaches. Does anyone have an idea as to what I should do? Should I be very honest about how I feel because she is a good friend even though honesty in this case may seem a little full on? Should I tell her I just want to 'hang out' more as we have such fun and maybe take it to the next level at some point, and therefore not really express any of my feelings?

 

Thanks in advance.