Third Date Syndrome

[Summer Breeze]

I've heard this here before and it's so foreign to me I wonder if other OW/OM could share their thoughts.

 

In another thread there is a post basically saying that As stay in perpetual third date mode. That it never gets out of some 'magical' state and that real life doesn't really creep in.

 

In my experience that was incredibly far from the truth. We started as acquaintances and then it developed from there after a lengthy time. I would say that we stayed in this so called third date mode for a shorter period of time than some Rs I'd had before with single men. We were incredibly close and we were both free with each others families. We worked together on several separate business ventures and we shared tragedies, financial issues, family issues almost from the start. I concede that the issues and the pressures are different from that of a M but it doesn't mean they are any less real, difficult or possibly painful. The highs are high and the lows are low.

 

After you date someone for a while there's a natural expectation for the R to grow. In an A the OW/OM have some choices to make once it gets past to that point. End it, continue it and accept it for what it is, or continue it and push and push for it to progress. As far as I can see there is no magical third date syndrome. Human nature makes you want it to progress but the situation stifles that. If it was this magical place then there would be more As that continue on and fewer OW/OM who are looking to get out.

 

My point of writing this is to allow OW/OM to comment on their Rs. Were they some magical thing or did they run their course and demand either to move forward or end?

 

Oh Miss Bee I wish I could call you and tell you what I mean so you could have written it for me! I just hope someone understands what I'm trying to say!

[stillwater]

No I wouldn't say this was my experience at all. The relationship definitely got to a point where it stopped growing, just because it got to a point where to grow further it had to stop being an A. That point was well beyond what I would call third date land. And I definitely wouldn't describe that point as "magical", if I had to pick a word I would go with "frustrating" because I wanted more and it just wasn't happening.

 

Not to be rude, but I think a lot of BS's describe A's as perpetual third-date magical land because they're trying to diminish/minimize/downplay the emotions of the relationship. Maybe some A's are really like that, but it's something I don't recognize from mine at all.

[cocorico]

I don't think my A resembled dating at all. From the outset it resembled what it was - two people with very full and busy lives sharing them with each other, the good, the bad, the ugly and the terrific! We saw the very best and very worst of each other way sooner than any dating couple would. It was baptism of fire stuff!

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks for your responses. I think we all had/have pretty much similar experiences and agree that while the good and bad are different from in a M, they are still good and bad and hardly leave the R in some wondrous limbo as some perceive.

 

I agree that it's a coping mechanism for some BS. It's easier to minimize it that it's all played out in some la la fantasy land so there's a reason why the WS continued the R. I think quite often there's the feeling there is no R at all because, again, it makes it easier to accept a WS who wasn't invested in the AP.

 

I remember one conversation with MM about how much tougher it was to keep our R together than the M. Not one to pull punches I told him that was because he took the M for granted and figured it'd always be there but he knew one day I would walk and he didn't want that to happen. It was pretty obvious he wasn't in any delusional third date time warp either. As I got closer to leaving the worse it got for him.

[MissBee]

No I wouldn't say this was my experience at all. The relationship definitely got to a point where it stopped growing, just because it got to a point where to grow further it had to stop being an A. That point was well beyond what I would call third date land. And I definitely wouldn't describe that point as "magical", if I had to pick a word I would go with "frustrating" because I wanted more and it just wasn't happening.

 

I can relate to the bolded of it eventually becoming frustrating because of the glass ceiling.

 

I however am not sure about the magical descriptor, in terms of I can't really member anyone describing an A as a magic-filled wonderland lol so don't really know where that comes from. I have heard fantasy and I can relate to that description more. Fantasy in my mind is not about magic or only happy, glorious times. We had highs and lows, but fantasy for me meant that this A situation due to the logistics etc. was something that was a bit anomalous to my routine life and his. He was part of my life...but wasn't. I was part of his but wasn't.

 

I've always said that I have no idea how our relationship would work out in the light of day, as it didn't get that opportunity and I don't think I could simply transfer what happened in the A into what I think would happen if it were out and out open. In my A I was not around his family or intertwined in his "other life", it was very much more insular and about us. I knew about his life, we spoke daily about everything and all that, but I think that's different than being integrated into it in real time where everyone knows. I don't think any relationship, A or not, can thrive in that environment, unless the individuals therein are recluses anyway who don't normally have other people in their lives that they value. So that to me made it hard for me to know what was sustainable from what wasn't.

 

People here often talking about As having a strong pull when they end too because of this unknown and this ability to think "we were so perfect together...if only", so it always feels like some unfinished romantic story, where it's a cliffhanger so what could happen next is open to your imagination. There is often an element of planning in your head how wonderful things will be in some future time when you're together (because of the glass ceiling)...and when it doesn't happen, who would rather imagine it would be horrible? It seems most, when it doesn't happen, get depressed thinking that "if only", it would have been the best romance ever. I know for me I felt that way up until recently about my exAP. I can compare it to the end of my single relationship. With my single boyfriend, when we ended I knew EXACTLY why. There was no "if only". I was integrated into his life and when it didn't work, there was no fantasy to reach for of how it could have been if only. I had a real picture of day to day life with him and the pitfalls and positives, as we had an open relationship. There weren't barriers there so I knew we gave that relationship a 100% real shot and it really didn't work. With my exAP it was easier for me to imagine that we were great loves if only because it didn't have a 100% open shot. I wasn't fully integrated into his life, I had no tangible evidence of certain things, so I could only fantasize about it and for a while I did believe in another time and place we would have been great. How true is this? I have no idea. We may very well have not work out either...but the nature of the A made it so that I didn't and won't ever know for sure. All I can do is project and guess about it.

 

I compare it to long distance relationships or people who form relationships online. It's often recommended that people who online date should meet up very soon after, as it is easy to form an intense online romance and fall in love over that medium...but a lot of times when that process is dragged out, it doesn't translate well into everyday life when the couple finally meets up. Even just today I was watching one of those court shows in which an online relationship lasted two years, to the point of proposal and after the proposal they decided to move to be with each other and then broke up shortly thereafter. The judge commented on how 2 years online and 2 years where you get to be around each other, around each other's friends and families etc. is rather different. I agree and I think for many As, this type of thing plays in as well. You may be very close and intimate....but if you're in the average A where you're not integrated into this person's life, it can be very difficult for it to grow in a natural way and it can be more of a vacation type romance that provides escapism than sustainable reality.

Edited August 1, 2012 by MissBee

[Summer Breeze]

I can relate to the bolded of it eventually becoming frustrating because of the glass ceiling.

 

I however am not sure about the magical descriptor, in terms of I can't really member anyone describing an A as a magic-filled wonderland lol so don't really know where that comes from. I have heard fantasy and I can relate to that description more. Fantasy in my mind is not about magic or only happy, glorious times. We had highs and lows, but fantasy for me meant that this A situation due to the logistics etc. was something that was a bit anomalous to my routine life and his. He was part of my life...but wasn't. I was part of his but wasn't.

 

I've always said that I have no idea how our relationship would work out in the light of day, as it didn't get that opportunity and I don't think I could simply transfer what happened in the A into what I think would happen if it were out and out open. In my A I was not around his family or intertwined in his "other life", it was very much more insular and about us. I knew about his life, we spoke daily about everything and all that, but I think that's different than being integrated into it in real time where everyone knows. I don't think any relationship, A or not, can thrive in that environment, unless the individuals therein are recluses anyway who don't normally have other people in their lives that they value. So that to me made it hard for me to know what was sustainable from what wasn't.

 

People here often talking about As having a strong pull when they end too because of this unknown and this ability to think "we were so perfect together...if only", so it always feels like some unfinished romantic story, where it's a cliffhanger so what could happen next is open to your imagination. There is often an element of planning in your head how wonderful things will be in some future time when you're together (because of the glass ceiling)...and when it doesn't happen, who would rather imagine it would be horrible? It seems most, when it doesn't happen, get depressed thinking that "if only", it would have been the best romance ever. I know for me I felt that way up until recently about my exAP. I can compare it to the end of my single relationship. With my single boyfriend, when we ended I knew EXACTLY why. There was no "if only". I was integrated into his life and when it didn't work, there was no fantasy to reach for of how it could have been if only. I had a real picture of day to day life with him and the pitfalls and positives, as we had an open relationship. There weren't barriers there so I knew we gave that relationship a 100% real shot and it really didn't work. With my exAP it was easier for me to imagine that we were great loves if only because it didn't have a 100% open shot. I wasn't fully integrated into his life, I had no tangible evidence of certain things, so I could only fantasize about it and for a while I did believe in another time and place we would have been great. How true is this? I have no idea. We may very well have not work out either...but the nature of the A made it so that I didn't and won't ever know for sure. All I can do is project and guess about it.

 

I compare it to long distance relationships or people who form relationships online. It's often recommended that people who online date should meet up very soon after, as it is easy to form an intense online romance and fall in love over that medium...but a lot of times when that process is dragged out, it doesn't translate well into everyday life when the couple finally meets up. Even just today I was watching one of those court shows in which an online relationship lasted two years, to the point of proposal and after the proposal they decided to move to be with each other and then broke up shortly thereafter. The judge commented on how 2 years online and 2 years where you get to be around each other, around each other's friends and families etc. is rather different. I agree and I think for many As, this type of thing plays in as well. You may be very close and intimate....but if you're in the average A where you're not integrated into this person's life, it can be very difficult for it to grow in a natural way and it can be more of a vacation type romance that provides escapism than sustainable reality.

 

Ok so I'm the one who coined magical! But when references to As always being on a par of a perpetual third date it usually has that undertone!

 

You make some great points about LDRs and As vs Ms or LTRs. I think you've gone beyond the third date thing but made some great points, as always.

[beenburned]

I think the main difference between the OW's posts here, and the BW's posts here, are because of the different types of EMAs/affairs.

 

I can't relate at all to the stories above ^^, because all of my H's brief affairs were all FB flings, all for the purpose of having sex with different people.(there was no relationship, they met only for sex)

 

I also can't relate when I read of a very short term affair where the OW is overly emotional/dramatic concerning the value/importance of such a brief fling. Would she be the same way if it was a single boyfriend?

 

I really don't believe that the majority of EMAs are similar to most OW here, simply because unless you work with your MM on a daily basis, the time limitations are so great that it prevents any large amounts of daily personal interactions.

 

Now if the purpose of the original question was to insinuate that BWs are gullible to accept what they are told by their Hs after d-day, you have to consider most don't have the evidence necessary to dispute their h's claims/stories. If the H's main objective is to stay married, he will lie/deny/minimize all of his actions.

[Summer Breeze]

I think the main difference between the OW's posts here, and the BW's posts here, are because of the different types of EMAs/affairs.

I do agree with this. There are as many types of As as their are Ms. It just seems to get flung around that As are almost Peter Pan'ish' and stay at some wonderful level (third date) for their entirety. From what I can see there is no A that covers that. If it's a short, sex only then the payoff is sex-not any sort of attachment and nothing will feel like a first date or a second or a third. It's meeting up for emotionless sex. If it's a long and involved A then it doesn't take long for the R to move out of third date territory. It then leads to all the things we've all mentioned as far as the way an A will go and the choices that get made.

 

I can't relate at all to the stories above ^^, because all of my H's brief affairs were all FB flings, all for the purpose of having sex with different people.(there was no relationship, they met only for sex)

 

I also can't relate when I read of a very short term affair where the OW is overly emotional/dramatic concerning the value/importance of such a brief fling. Would she be the same way if it was a single boyfriend?

I can't relate to it either but I don't see VERY short term As all that often in here. Usually they last for months at a minimum and that is enough time to build up emotions and have reactions as Miss Bee wrote about.

 

I really don't believe that the majority of EMAs are similar to most OW here, simply because unless you work with your MM on a daily basis, the time limitations are so great that it prevents any large amounts of daily personal interactions.

I didn't work with MM and I don't believe Trinity does. I do agree that working together is something that allows that amount of time to be spent and the bonds to be built. It feels like an awful lot of As are based on people who work together so I do see a lot of them allowing the time required for the closeness and intimacy of a LTR.

 

Now if the purpose of the original question was to insinuate that BWs are gullible to accept what they are told by their Hs after d-day, you have to consider most don't have the evidence necessary to dispute their h's claims/stories. If the H's main objective is to stay married, he will lie/deny/minimize all of his actions.

The purpose of the original question was to discuss the fact there is a perception often mentioned that As never progress past the third date feeling and that I disagree with it. I wondered who else did as well. I don't insinuate anything. If I had something to say I'd say it. I do think that BW are extremely gullible to accept what's being told to them on and after dday. I don't think every BS is and I don't think every WS is lying but I think most lie and most want to believe. I was a BS and I knew I could never believe a word out of his mouth again. He lied to me for upwards of a year every second of every day. When I asked him about it he admitted it and it hit me that every single thing we did for almost a year was a lie. He told me she meant nothing and that I was the only one he loved. I left him and they got married and have been together 20 years now. He lied to keep the family intact and he would have thrown her over if I'd wanted to stay. You make a comment about his main goal staying in the M and he will lie, minimize etc. Yup and that's why I knew I could never trust him. I didnt' have evidence to dispute his claim but I knew the reason he was declaring his undying love and passion wasn't because he was remorseful - it was because he was busted.

 

 

Answers in bold

[Silly_Girl]

I really don't believe that the majority of EMAs are similar to most OW here, simply because unless you work with your MM on a daily basis, the time limitations are so great that it prevents any large amounts of daily personal interactions.

 

 

Out of interest, bb, what do you call 'large' in relation to interaction?

[Summer Breeze]

Out of interest, bb, what do you call 'large' in relation to interaction?

 

Interesting question. MM and I spent 3 or 4 days together but went weeks without seeing each other. Phone calls, texts and emails were as important as any other part of it. Just because you aren't together physically doesn't mean the intimacy can't, and doesn't, grow.

[beenburned]

silly girl,

 

For years after d-day, I read and posted on another board, where the OW there would complain about they only got to see the MM once or twice a week for only a hour after he got off from work.

 

I would consider large amounts of time spent together is only possible in situations where they work together daily. I could see this leading to a more emotional/intimate affair than a LDA or one where there is limited physical access.

 

Everyone(whether married or dating), gets to know and understand a person better and deeper the more they interact with them.

 

SB,

 

My personal d-day happened in the early years of our marriage. I was young, naive, and gullible simply because I had never been exposed to any type of infidelity in my whole life while I was growing up. All I knew was I was a SAHM with 2 little kids, and if I wanted a divorce, I needed a job to support myself and the kids.

 

If your d-day was 20+ years ago, I assume you and your XH were also young.

Maybe he could have grown, matured, and changed into better H with age and the knowledge we now have on the subject. Or maybe not.

 

I don't blame you for leaving him. If I had been financially able way back then, I probably would have left too.

[Silly_Girl]

bb, my job is not one where I could conduct a relationship even if I wanted to, I think that goes for most professionals. That really just gives you lunch hour, if you take one?

 

In our case, some days we only exchanged 20 or so texts, other times we spent a few minutes to 8 hours on the phone, then weekends at my home, weekends away, lunches or dinners if we happened to be in London on the same day, then the emails.

 

I think you would be surprised at how much in-person and otherwise contact is possible, depending on the will of those involved, and the circumstances.

[MissBee]

Ok so I'm the one who coined magical! But when references to As always being on a par of a perpetual third date it usually has that undertone!

 

You make some great points about LDRs and As vs Ms or LTRs. I think you've gone beyond the third date thing but made some great points, as always.

 

 

I can't speak for what others are trying to convey or how others interpret it, but for me, I feel like there is a perpetual something. I wouldn't describe it as a third date. As third date for me is, I barely know you, it's all fun and frolic and superficial and only good feelings. It went beyond that for me in my A. But like a LD for example, I think because of the nature of the A, where there is some distance in terms of time spent in the open, where everyone knows and you can just be...there does lead to some kind of skewing of the natural developmental process. Maybe it's not stuck at the third date, but there is some glass ceiling making it stuck somewhere. I can probably compare it to those trees that people prune or make it so that they grow shorter and more neatly than they otherwise would naturally. I'm no horticulturalist lol, but the little I know, I think after doing that for a while, the tree becomes accustomed to growing in that manner and after a while you can't really tell how it would have grown had it not been pruned and "trained". I'm not saying that people are pruned and trained in an A...but I think there are often barriers that channel the relationship in a certain way and stunt its growth, and how it may look while it is an A, may or may not be the same as it would look without those barriers. So it's perpetually "small" or in an inhibited state and not it's full potential. Perhaps that's the sentiment people try to convey when they talk about third date...just the state of stunted growth and not necessarily that it's all fun and frolic and magic?

Edited August 1, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

I've heard this here before and it's so foreign to me I wonder if other OW/OM could share their thoughts.

 

In another thread there is a post basically saying that As stay in perpetual third date mode. That it never gets out of some 'magical' state and that real life doesn't really creep in.

 

In my experience that was incredibly far from the truth. We started as acquaintances and then it developed from there after a lengthy time. I would say that we stayed in this so called third date mode for a shorter period of time than some Rs I'd had before with single men. We were incredibly close and we were both free with each others families. We worked together on several separate business ventures and we shared tragedies, financial issues, family issues almost from the start. I concede that the issues and the pressures are different from that of a M but it doesn't mean they are any less real, difficult or possibly painful. The highs are high and the lows are low.

 

After you date someone for a while there's a natural expectation for the R to grow. In an A the OW/OM have some choices to make once it gets past to that point. End it, continue it and accept it for what it is, or continue it and push and push for it to progress. As far as I can see there is no magical third date syndrome. Human nature makes you want it to progress but the situation stifles that. If it was this magical place then there would be more As that continue on and fewer OW/OM who are looking to get out.

 

My point of writing this is to allow OW/OM to comment on their Rs. Were they some magical thing or did they run their course and demand either to move forward or end?

 

Oh Miss Bee I wish I could call you and tell you what I mean so you could have written it for me! I just hope someone understands what I'm trying to say!

 

I agree with all points as well. I do believe, and have seen, that others will say it has this similar effect where it is all "rainbows and unicorns". I disagree. While there were many high points there were many very low points and a lot of frustration at times. My dMM said that it would always have been much easier to just throw in the towel and not have the EMR but the feelings were too strong.

 

Now I did work with him so while I did see him at work but it wasn't like we could spend any quality time together. We were working so other than a hello in passing or a short conversation, that was it. We rarely did lunch together either.

 

I did see him a great deal outside of work, most evenings and usually an overnight every week.

 

I do think many EMRs are actually harder than a traditional relationship and takes a great deal of energy and effort to sustain it and keep the relationship thriving. It is much easier to throw in the towel.

 

I do chuckle at the comments about not seeing the "real" side of the MM, not cleaning up after them, there is always a comment about bathroom habits, etc. I can say I have been blessed not to be heavily involved with any significant others' bathroom habits and events so even married it wasn't a family event. I did clean up for dMM, we cooked for each other, did dishes, I even washed is clothes at times, he cleaned my place at times, took care of my animals, etc.

 

I also haven't seen a major difference from crossing over from the EMR to now. I think in hindsight I have found that having gone through different statuses of - the EMR, separation and living together, separated and not living together, divorced and not living together, and then long distance, the HARDEST BY FAR has been long distance. My hat is off to those that are in an EMR and are long distance. Sheesh!

 

I was not familiar with affairs prior to this one so I tailored it to feel as close to a traditional relationship as possible. If I was going to be part of it I was not going to adjust more than was reasonable or comfortable. He would either make it work or not.

[Desert42]

In my A we only saw each other once or twice a month but spent 30 minutes a day on the phone, and at least dozen emails a day. We shared the good, bad, happy, sad and everything else in between. What kept me in the A was the intimacy that it created because I was sharing more with him than with my H.

 

When MM and I did steal time away together it was intense because we locked ourselves away and focused solely on each other. Before ending the A and working to rebuild my M, I can't remember the last time my H and I spent 24 hours together not wanting to do anything but talk and touch. H and I are working on getting there and are up to about 8 hours now, so we're making progress

[Summer Breeze]

I was not familiar with affairs prior to this one so I tailored it to feel as close to a traditional relationship as possible. If I was going to be part of it I was not going to adjust more than was reasonable or comfortable. He would either make it work or not.

 

This was a thing for me as well. When we started I put out my boundaries and he had the choice to move forward or not. I never backed down and he never asked me to. I never let him control my life and we worked around my schedule more than we did his. If that hasn't been the case I wouldn't have been involved. I didn't allow myself to be treated any differently in that R than in any other.

[Summer Breeze]

 

I can't speak for what others are trying to convey or how others interpret it, but for me, I feel like there is a perpetual something. I wouldn't describe it as a third date. As third date for me is, I barely know you, it's all fun and frolic and superficial and only good feelings. It went beyond that for me in my A. But like a LD for example, I think because of the nature of the A, where there is some distance in terms of time spent in the open, where everyone knows and you can just be...there does lead to some kind of skewing of the natural developmental process. Maybe it's not stuck at the third date, but there is some glass ceiling making it stuck somewhere. I can probably compare it to those trees that people prune or make it so that they grow shorter and more neatly than they otherwise would naturally. I'm no horticulturalist lol, but the little I know, I think after doing that for a while, the tree becomes accustomed to growing in that manner and after a while you can't really tell how it would have grown had it not been pruned and "trained". I'm not saying that people are pruned and trained in an A...but I think there are often barriers that channel the relationship in a certain way and stunt its growth, and how it may look while it is an A, may or may not be the same as it would look without those barriers. So it's perpetually "small" or in an inhibited state and not it's full potential. Perhaps that's the sentiment people try to convey when they talk about third date...just the state of stunted growth and not necessarily that it's all fun and frolic and magic?

 

That's pretty much what I was getting at Miss Bee. Thanks for putting it so eloquently! Whether the A descends into a horribly unhealthy R, or it develops into something both parties are happy with, or it grows normally for as long as it can, it does not stay stagnated in this euphoric third date state as is often described on here. I keep seeing it being written but I never hear anyone involved in an A attesting to it. Someone said it would be easier to throw in the towel and that was true in MMs part in my situation. I was a whole lot more bother than I was worth at some times!

[Summer Breeze]

In my A we only saw each other once or twice a month but spent 30 minutes a day on the phone, and at least dozen emails a day. We shared the good, bad, happy, sad and everything else in between. What kept me in the A was the intimacy that it created because I was sharing more with him than with my H.

 

When MM and I did steal time away together it was intense because we locked ourselves away and focused solely on each other. Before ending the A and working to rebuild my M, I can't remember the last time my H and I spent 24 hours together not wanting to do anything but talk and touch. H and I are working on getting there and are up to about 8 hours now, so we're making progress

 

Good job! That is progress and I'm really happy for you. I hope you get to 18 before summer and by Christmas all the way to 24!

[Summer Breeze]

silly girl,

 

For years after d-day, I read and posted on another board, where the OW there would complain about they only got to see the MM once or twice a week for only a hour after he got off from work.

 

I would consider large amounts of time spent together is only possible in situations where they work together daily. I could see this leading to a more emotional/intimate affair than a LDA or one where there is limited physical access.

 

Everyone(whether married or dating), gets to know and understand a person better and deeper the more they interact with them.

 

SB,

 

My personal d-day happened in the early years of our marriage. I was young, naive, and gullible simply because I had never been exposed to any type of infidelity in my whole life while I was growing up. All I knew was I was a SAHM with 2 little kids, and if I wanted a divorce, I needed a job to support myself and the kids.

 

If your d-day was 20+ years ago, I assume you and your XH were also young.

Maybe he could have grown, matured, and changed into better H with age and the knowledge we now have on the subject. Or maybe not.

 

I don't blame you for leaving him. If I had been financially able way back then, I probably would have left too.

 

I don't judge anyone for staying or going. I did what I did and I have no regrets because once I was past the hurt I have lived a wonderful life. I still love him and probably always will. I just could never trust him. Do you know what BB he did do just that, with his OW. They've been M for a long time now and from what family members and his kids have told me he's been wonderful to her. I don't believe he would do that to someone again but I couldn't take that chance he wouldn't do it to me again. The trust was gone and I knew myself so well I knew I would have never been able to allow it to build back up.

 

If you had been financially able to your life may not have turned out as well as it has now. No regrets BB. You made the best decisions for yourself and your kids and you're out the other side.

[Summer Breeze]

I've seen it described once during my years here on LS, and that time it was a MM who had been engaged with a MW. So it does exist but seems to be rare. Perhaps the BSs are comforted by clinging to these kind of descriptions as if they are all-embracing so they in that way can boost their belief that their spouse's affair was like that too? And for the same reason they push statements like "all MM are lying to their APs" as being all-embracing too. By degrading the EMR to less than and different from a regular relationship their pain is alleviated.

 

That's interesting Trinity. I wonder if his MW felt the same?

 

I think you're right about it being a coping mechanism used by some BS. Let's face it there appear to be a whole lot of lies, misconceptions, mistruths, and assumptions that both OW/OM and BS use to make their choices and blamegiving validity.

[Got it]

We can postulate all we want on things we have not experienced but ultimately we really don't know unless we experience it.

 

I had my beliefs and thoughts on a LDR and thought certain things. It wasn't until I have gone through it where it disproved some of my assumptions and exposed other things that I wasn't expecting.

[Summer Breeze]

We can postulate all we want on things we have not experienced but ultimately we really don't know unless we experience it.

 

I had my beliefs and thoughts on a LDR and thought certain things. It wasn't until I have gone through it where it disproved some of my assumptions and exposed other things that I wasn't expecting.

 

 

I think that the whole thing is it isn't often experienced because it isn't necessarily the situation for most As. More than anything that's what I was getting at with this thread. Did anyone ever feel the third date syndrome or is it just a fallacy? It appears to be more mythical than mystical.

[beenburned]

SB,

 

Thank you for the compliment!

 

Mercy posted in another thread about her sister's affair. My sister also had an affair, and eventually left her H for the MM.

 

My sister, like Mercy's, also confided in me while it was all going on. All the time knowing I was a FBW!

 

I think I will start a new thread about how it affected me and my whole family.

 

As far as I know of, her H has been faithful to her. He has also been a great father to his stepson.

 

The only thing I find quite sad is, he lost his closeness with his daughters due to his XW moving out of state after their divorce. She moved to her parents hometown for their support and help.

 

He always visited them out of state, staying at a hotel while there. But it still was not like having weekly interactions with them.

[Spark1111]

Well, I posted it and I still stand by it for my sitch.

 

Question: During your affair, did you pay a bill together, stay up all night with a sick child negotiating who got the next hour of sleep before work, or have to decide which one of you would take the ailing parent to doctor office?

 

Because those are the realities of a long-term committed relationship.

 

Talk is fun and talk is cheap and listening and talking of it all is a great aphrodisiac, and waiting and waiting and waiting to see each other without interruption does make the heart grow fonder.

 

But, in your affair, what responsibilities and obligations did you have to negotiate and share with your MP?

[Owl]

Just a thought...but...would anyone who was actually in an affair ever actually want to admit...even just to themselves...that the affair was in any way less than equivilant to a "full blown relationship"?

 

The breakdown in logic here...that no one has ever seen anyone "in an affair" state that their relationship is "stuck in a third date stage"...must somehow mean that the statement that affairs aren't in some way equivilant to that...is just plain silly if you think about it.

 

No one in an affair will say that their affair was "less" than anything. To do so would be to face some really hard, painful facts about themselves and their choices...and affairs are by their very nature an ESCAPE from facing those exact things.

 

Just because someone currently engaged in the act doesn't say that they think that their situation is "something"....doesn't prove that the situation ISN'T "something". Being within the situation itself creates blind spots that they may not even be aware of...that prevent them from seeing the picture clearly like someone from the outside can.

 

Bottom line...I'd be shocked and astounded if you EVER got someone currently actively involved in an affair to admit that it was 'stuck at third base'...even if it was clearly so to everyone else in the world. That lack of admittance does not disqualify the statement.