Old member, telling my story of reconciliation. Questions welcome.

[ZimboGon]

Hello everyone. I joined this forum in early december, distraught about my girlfriend leaving me for another man. During that time, i entered some deep stages of depression. I lacked motivation to do anything. After awhile, i just got tired of it and decided to take my life in a positive direction with optimism and exercise.

 

One thing that always stuck with me was to look at the break-up from an outside point of view without pointing fingers. Things happened on both sides, and everyone was to blame. Because of this, i was able to let go of some of the anger and live my life. I knew i wasn't a bad guy and i knew she made a mistake. If she came to realize that at some point, great. Otherwise, it was her loss.

 

Well that relationship she started with that one guy, as i expected, was a coping mechanism to escape her griefs with our relationship. We weren't doing great, and he was a way out. During that period of time because i felt so betrayed, i shut her out of my life so she could live with her decision. A LOT had happened within the timeframe between november and february including a few run ins with each other, and even one with the new boyfriend.

 

She ended up leaving him and contacting me again, which honestly was to be expected. I could tell they wouldn't last long. The guy smug over his victory couldn't see that it wouldn't go anywhere. Since then, we've been back together for about 6 months (we previously dated for 2 years)

 

I have to say, our relationship is a hundred times better. The communication, the activities, everything is pretty amazing and beyond what we ever had in the past. If anyone has any questions or wants any advice, shoot.

[Bobibble]

Congratulations to you! I'm happy that you are happy and that you both are back together but have changed the dynamics of your relationship for the better.

 

My question for you, based on my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/338450-can-you-get-back-someone-who-you-were-so-dependent,

I'm just curious as to what your opinion is on my situation and whether NC really is the better approach?

[Skalabanan]

Congratulations Zimbodon.

 

What sort of communication did you keep with your ex and who made the first moves to get you guys back together.

[Stanza]

I love it when people post these stories. I'm so glad and love it that things are better and clearly the time apart was positive!

 

How long did her rebound last in the end?

[Gulf-Delta]

Congrats man.

 

My situation seems much like yours (new guy, two years dating, etc) but mine will not a happy ending like yours, but at least it gives hope to some

[ZimboGon]

They dated for around two months. She took the lead in the relationship, which was very foreign to her. The guy was very timid and insecure, and he was so afraid of losing her he wouldn't speak up or take charge. He would basically follow her every step. She mentioned to me that every time she mentioned my name, he got really upset.

[ZimboGon]

Congrats man.

 

My situation seems much like yours (new guy, two years dating, etc) but mine will not a happy ending like yours, but at least it gives hope to some

 

You never know what will happen in the end, man. You just have to be positive.

[Stanza]

Is really great you came back to tell us. We need to hear these stories. Mine went straight into a rebound after our 7 year relationship. Though he hasn't dealt with anything they also got engaged immediately (both of them are rebounders) so I struggle with hope.

[tinytrips]

Is really great you came back to tell us. We need to hear these stories. Mine went straight into a rebound after our 7 year relationship. Though he hasn't dealt with anything they also got engaged immediately (both of them are rebounders) so I struggle with hope.

Hi Stanza. Not to hijack this thread, but this situation sounds similar to one I am familiar with. I am friends with the rebounders who got engaged. They both came out of long term relationships, and everyone thought that the timing was perfect and they were meant to be, except for one of my friends. He said, "They're both rebounding, hard."

 

They end up engaged. Everyone smugly points this out to my friend who called a rebound; "it's not a rebound, they're getting married!"

 

Fast forward a year. Still engaged, planning a wedding, rings purchased, the whole nine yards. Suddenly, they break up. Because the groom-to-be went back to his ex. After almost two years and a year long engagement!

 

I hate that they broke up because they are both my friends, and I hate!!! admitting that my friend who called "rebound" was right, but since I'm going through a breakup and my ex seems to be rebounding, I have to admit it makes me hopeful, too. I thought I'd share that with you to spread a little hope around.

[not-a-drive-by]

I love reading these stories, and I am happy for you that it worked out.

 

I know we shouldn't remain hopeful and just move on, but sometimes, these types of stories just makes the day go by easier.

[Stanza]

Tinytrips, thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it. I may drop you a PM when you can receive them. I think it's really good to hear some stories like this. My hope is so battered at the moment.

[AnchordHeart]

 

I have to say, our relationship is a hundred times better. The communication, the activities, everything is pretty amazing and beyond what we ever had in the past. If anyone has any questions or wants any advice, shoot.

 

Was it a difficult break up? Ultimately this is what i'm hoping for someday with my ex, but he is in an awkward LDR with his ex that he left me for... maybe G.I.G.S.?

 

How did you overcome the betrayal and the hurt? I'm interested because I know I was VERY special to him, but our relationship was also struggling when he decided to leave.

 

Your advice si very much appreciated.

[ZimboGon]

Was it a difficult break up? Ultimately this is what i'm hoping for someday with my ex, but he is in an awkward LDR with his ex that he left me for... maybe G.I.G.S.?

 

How did you overcome the betrayal and the hurt? I'm interested because I know I was VERY special to him, but our relationship was also struggling when he decided to leave.

 

Your advice si very much appreciated.

 

There was a lot of betrayal and hurt. Towards the end, she started lying to be about the other guy. A week after we broke up, i stopped by to return some of her belongings and i walked in on them together, underneath the blanket i bought her. Whenever i caught her in a lie, she would awkwardly smile. When i walked in on both of them, that is exactly what she did. My interpretation of that was basically a "F*** you, i'm moving on, i don't care about you or our past."

 

That night i was shaken, i deleted her number and blocked everything that had to do with her. A week later, she sent me a message apologizing however i didn't see it because i blocked her. About a month later, i decided to unblock her and i saw the message. a rush of emotions hit me, and after seeing she was officially dating that guy i got angry again. I ran into a friend of hers shortly after, and she accused me of being a horrible boyfriend. It was then i realized she warped the entire story so the breakup would be easier on her. I was made out to be the bad guy, and the new man saved her.

 

Months past, and i changed dramatically. I learned that the end of a relationship isn't the end of your life. Sure, i loved her... but there are other people out there compatible with me as well if it didn't work out. The guy ended up to be an emotional wreck, i could tell by the lines he used when he tried to take her from me and the way he carried himself. He was terrified of me because he knew what he was doing, plus i was a foot taller than him. So she ended up leaving him.

 

I was contacted sometime after, and we had an explosive reunion. We were both very angry at each other, but i opted to be playful and nice while instead she yelled for me abandoning her after we broke up but i had to in order to cope. We talked for hours about everything and addressed what went wrong, why she was with that guy, and what we've been up to. About a week later, i invited her over. We were supposed to be just talking, but within moments we started making out and ended up sleeping with each other.

 

Thus our relationship started anew with two completely different people.

[Mariana345]

Can you check my situation and give me some advice please?:

 

We were fighting a lot last months but he wanted to fix things, even the week before BU I asked for a time separated and he didn't want to.

 

Next week he first said that he wouldn't want to take a rush decision and even consider taking the time, but after some chat he decided to break up is the best. He told me he didn't feel the same anymore, that he has resentments towards me for (all) the fights in our entire relationship. After he was saying that I don't need him, that I'm strong and I will be fine, that my dreams were to big and he just wanted a simple life (while in the entire RS he said he would be with me and my dreams). He even said he was broken, he didn't feel capable to continue. But that he still care for me.

 

He never contacted me, just that one time to ask for his part of the money we were saving to live together ( :'( )

 

Weeks after the BU I found out that he was going to the movies every weekend, and paid for 2 tickets (he always wanted to pay for me in our dates) every time. He even took the effort to book one movie premier hour earlier (as he didn't want to do anything for me but stay at home and see movies... ) And he even did that the day before he broke up with me. He told me he went to his male friend to buy some cellphone accesories, so he lied about with who and what he go out. So, to me it seems it was a date or just hang out with a girl :/

 

I did NC most of the time, unfriend him in FB and delet contact info (I was so hurt) just to ask him for some of my stuff, and we met for him to deliver it. I just took my stuff, thanked him, said goobye and left. He was surprised, I think he believed I would talk to him more. And then that week he added in FB and went out with this female friend who he stopped contact because it caused so much problems in our RS (she liked him). So, as I went to a trip with my bestie (female) I found out he blocked me on FB... Don't know why, since I haven't said anything...

 

After this... What do you think? We loved each other for almost 9 years our dated in highschool for 3 months and then in university reunited and last for 4 years 10 months, and he always said he loved me more, we fight for our RS. We had our ups and downs, and we both did some sacrifices. Do you think there is still a hope for us (maybe in future) I'm not sure if I want him back at all, and the first move should be made by him, but just to know if there is a chance would me feel a little relived...

[Gulf-Delta]

There was a lot of betrayal and hurt. Towards the end, she started lying to be about the other guy. A week after we broke up, i stopped by to return some of her belongings and i walked in on them together, underneath the blanket i bought her. Whenever i caught her in a lie, she would awkwardly smile. When i walked in on both of them, that is exactly what she did. My interpretation of that was basically a "F*** you, i'm moving on, i don't care about you or our past."

 

That night i was shaken, i deleted her number and blocked everything that had to do with her. A week later, she sent me a message apologizing however i didn't see it because i blocked her. About a month later, i decided to unblock her and i saw the message. a rush of emotions hit me, and after seeing she was officially dating that guy i got angry again. I ran into a friend of hers shortly after, and she accused me of being a horrible boyfriend. It was then i realized she warped the entire story so the breakup would be easier on her. I was made out to be the bad guy, and the new man saved her.

 

Months past, and i changed dramatically. I learned that the end of a relationship isn't the end of your life. Sure, i loved her... but there are other people out there compatible with me as well if it didn't work out. The guy ended up to be an emotional wreck, i could tell by the lines he used when he tried to take her from me and the way he carried himself. He was terrified of me because he knew what he was doing, plus i was a foot taller than him. So she ended up leaving him.

 

I was contacted sometime after, and we had an explosive reunion. We were both very angry at each other, but i opted to be playful and nice while instead she yelled for me abandoning her after we broke up but i had to in order to cope. We talked for hours about everything and addressed what went wrong, why she was with that guy, and what we've been up to. About a week later, i invited her over. We were supposed to be just talking, but within moments we started making out and ended up sleeping with each other.

 

Thus our relationship started anew with two completely different people.

 

What were the circumstances of you guys getting in touch? How much time went by?

 

I always find it amazing the way these things (reunions that is) happen, and everyone always leaves those specifics out.

[Skalabanan]

Yeah I'm intrigued also.

 

My intrigue comes from a slightly different angle, me and my ex now live around 1hr and 15mins apart and we don't share the same circle of friends as such so meeting up out of the blue is massively unlikely, also wonder who initiates contact etc...

[ZimboGon]

Well first off mariania... That guy sounds like a jerk. Seems like he was tired of the relationship and left you and jumped right back into the field. It was most likely even a girl he started liking while you guys were together, and he handled it horribly. Even if he did come back, i wouldn't trust him unless there were clear issues that made him want to break up besides some other woman.

 

Secondly, why do you know his recent purchases? That isn't really any of your business and you are hurting yourself by finding that out. How would he feel if he knew you were looking at that and finding out about his dates? You need to distance yourself and don't worry about him coming back like you did something wrong to push him away. Guys are guys. One thing i've noticed to guarantee that happening is if you guys didn't have an active sex life. If a guy loves you he will stay loyal, but without intimacy and sex he will start to look at other women sexually. How was the sex life? Regardless, whatever happens next depends on his character. He could have tried to work things out, but he didn't.

 

 

 

and when it comes to who initiates contact, it'll come as a shocker to everyone here but with my girlfriend and I when we got back together after she left me... I contacted her. My friend was talking to her one day, and she mentioned thinking i hated her after the break-up. So, after months, i shot her a random text saying "Whats this about me hating you? :P" and the conversation that followed was me being incredibly relaxed, calm, and playful and her very angry and confused. Turns out that same night she texted her friend, "______ is texting me..." "OMG really?! What is he saying?!" "I don't know.. he's being really nice. Its weird."

 

I made an impact by just being my old self, like nothing had ever happened. Like i just didn't care. She left me for some loser who manipulated her and took a major part of our breakup, and i just didn't care anymore. I understood what happened, and it was in the past. I started flirting with her, she flirted back and here we are.

 

I would NOT take this approach, people, unless you really know what went wrong in your relationship and you are OVER it. Holding in any anger and emotions will not end well.

Edited August 4, 2012 by ZimboGon

[tinytrips]

Interesting, Zimbo. That's actually a similar tactic that I planned to take. Part of the way I'm moving past this relationship is allowing myself to contact him on his birthday (several months from now) with a friendly birthday wish. I don't necessarily want to get back together, but I do know that we both need time to cool down and move past the pain of the bad breakup before we can be civil to each other.

[andrew-bkk]

They dated for around two months. She took the lead in the relationship, which was very foreign to her. The guy was very timid and insecure, and he was so afraid of losing her he wouldn't speak up or take charge. He would basically follow her every step. She mentioned to me that every time she mentioned my name, he got really upset.

 

You are wrong.

 

Your relationship is finished and you are simply denying the truth.

 

Your GF is a cheat. She is weak. You deserve better.

 

I joined this forum about two years ago. My story was the same as yours. I recognize everything you are saying.

 

It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to move on and begin a new life.

 

You deserve better than a weak CHEAT who will betray you every time there is a crisis in your life or your relationship.

 

She only came back to you because the other man failed to live up to her expectations.

 

Basically, she left you. You are not her first choice. The fact that you took her back means she no longer respects you.

 

She likes you. She probably likes you a lot. But she likes you in the same way that she likes her brothers or her gay male friends.

[Gulf-Delta]

You are wrong.

 

Your relationship is finished and you are simply denying the truth.

 

Your GF is a cheat. She is weak. You deserve better.

 

I joined this forum about two years ago. My story was the same as yours. I recognize everything you are saying.

 

It's hard to let go of the past. It's hard to move on and begin a new life.

 

You deserve better than a weak CHEAT who will betray you every time there is a crisis in your life or your relationship.

 

She only came back to you because the other man failed to live up to her expectations.

 

Basically, she left you. You are not her first choice. The fact that you took her back means she no longer respects you.

 

She likes you. She probably likes you a lot. But she likes you in the same way that she likes her brothers or her gay male friends.

 

Hmm...sooounds like you didn't read the whole thing

[Exit]

Heh andrew stated his opinion in a kind of harsh way but it's not too far off from some of the initial thoughts I had. Everyone else in this thread is either being congratulatory or trying to find hope in this story and using it to convince themselves that their ex will be back (terrible thing to do to yourself). It's good to see someone ask the question, why would you want this girl back? And I can already see what kind of responses I'll risk getting, people will say I must be bitter about my own experiences and can't just be happy for someone else, but that's not it. I'm just having trouble seeing this as a complete victory. Not trying to rain on anybody's parade. Leaving the relationship to stay single and work on issues is one thing, running to someone else for 2 months and then coming right back doesn't seem like there would be a whole lot of growth there. I just hope when you hit another rough patch that she doesn't do the same thing. Getting back together can kinda create a second honey moon period where things seem "a hundred times better" but I hope for your sake these improvements will be genuine and lasting.

[Dblock10]

Heh andrew stated his opinion in a kind of harsh way but it's not too far off from some of the initial thoughts I had. Everyone else in this thread is either being congratulatory or trying to find hope in this story and using it to convince themselves that their ex will be back (terrible thing to do to yourself). It's good to see someone ask the question, why would you want this girl back? And I can already see what kind of responses I'll risk getting, people will say I must be bitter about my own experiences and can't just be happy for someone else, but that's not it. I'm just having trouble seeing this as a complete victory. Not trying to rain on anybody's parade. Leaving the relationship to stay single and work on issues is one thing, running to someone else for 2 months and then coming right back doesn't seem like there would be a whole lot of growth there. I just hope when you hit another rough patch that she doesn't do the same thing. Getting back together can kinda create a second honey moon period where things seem "a hundred times better" but I hope for your sake these improvements will be genuine and lasting.

 

 

 

completely agree.

 

it was 2 months, plus you walked in on her boning another guy, seriously where is your self respect self worth, that would be the end of it for good if that ever happens to me.

 

but as long as you are happy then that is all that matters in all honesty. but yeah wouldnt be how i would play it.

 

plus on some level i think andrew is right.

 

id be careful

[fucpcg]

It's amazing how little sooo many people in here know about relationships, about life, about themselves even. Anyone who judges shall suffer by the sword they chose to wield at some point in their lives, I assure you. And to reference a bible teaching "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

 

My ex has been downright evil with me since our split, but I believe in her eyes it's how shes coping with what happened, and not a desire to be evil. And if I'm honest about it, which is all I care about because in life I want to be a good man first and foremost, we are here because I struggled as a boyfriend before she left.

 

I've read a great quote since our split "Where a bone breaks, it heals back stronger". I know I have grown, and am a better man since the split. I know I have chemistry with my ex like no other woman I've been with in my 40 some years. If she can ever take a step toward me, the rest will be history, and I mean history as far as us spending our lives together. I've lived since her, I've become a better man, but I KNOW what we had. I hope she can one day, preferably sooner than later, look at our relationship and say I want to grow from what happened, I want to fix what happened, and I want to be with that man for the rest of my life. We have that chemistry, I know it, she knows it... I'm ready to act on it, maybe some day she will too. Then I can write a story like the one you've just posted.

Edited August 5, 2012 by fucpcg

[leoc1973]

Hey good for you I really am happy for you!

 

I had the exact breakup as yours and actually the same reconciliation.

 

My ex dumped me after 2 years together for anther man. I begged pleaded and all that. I met a new girl and she came running back. We were apart for about 4 months.

 

Here's the thing. When we got back together she constantly thanked me for not giving up on her. she said she was so in love with me and almost lost the love of her life. It made me feel so good and like I was the only man in the world. For 3 years we had an amazing relationship. Then out of nowhere she dumped me again for another guy. She didn't end up with him but another one after that. She is still with him and now she wants me back again. Why? because I met someone else again. This time I can't do it.

 

Its a catch22 because you either tell them to go to hell and lose them forever or take them back and show them that they can pretty much go bang whomever they want and you will always be there.

 

And to be completely honest. I would have taken her back for the longest time but now that I met an amazing girl. I don't think so!

 

The funny part is that I always had it in the back of my mind that she would do it again. And one day I finally "got over it" I really did. I remember saying to myself that she learned her lesson and she isn't going anywhere and then she left.

[Gulf-Delta]

 

and when it comes to who initiates contact, it'll come as a shocker to everyone here but with my girlfriend and I when we got back together after she left me... I contacted her. My friend was talking to her one day, and she mentioned thinking i hated her after the break-up. So, after months, i shot her a random text saying "Whats this about me hating you? :P" and the conversation that followed was me being incredibly relaxed, calm, and playful and her very angry and confused. Turns out that same night she texted her friend, "______ is texting me..." "OMG really?! What is he saying?!" "I don't know.. he's being really nice. Its weird."

 

I made an impact by just being my old self, like nothing had ever happened. Like i just didn't care. She left me for some loser who manipulated her and took a major part of our breakup, and i just didn't care anymore. I understood what happened, and it was in the past. I started flirting with her, she flirted back and here we are.

 

I would NOT take this approach, people, unless you really know what went wrong in your relationship and you are OVER it. Holding in any anger and emotions will not end well.

 

So she was angry and confused, yet either a) kept responding to you or b) contacted you

 

That's weird....