My Wife Cheated on Me And Was Pregnant with OM's Baby

[Copelandsanity]

This past Saturday, I went to use the computer and my wife had left her e-mail open. I had no intention of snooping around, but I noticed an inordinate amount of e-mails sent between her and a man. I became suspicious and checked them. He did not turn out to be the OM, but a friend in which my wife had confided to about the OM.

 

The exchanged e-mails are from this month (July). They revealed that my wife had an affair for several months with a good friend of hers that she has known since high school. He is someone that I have met and spent time with on a couple of occasions, welcomed into my home once, and attended my wedding. Here are the important details from the e-mails:

 

1) Their time together was real, beautiful, powerful and true. It seemed like something from a movie or book. She asked him to do her a favor and freeze time because she did not ever want to leave his arms.

 

2) What they had was magical. It was a good phase in her life, but it had to end and she had to move on. She felt stagnant and felt she needed to start a family - with me - given her age. And she had reservations about him being a good faithful husband and father.

 

3) I am one of the good men in the world - of which she believes there is only a small percentage of - and that is more reason to keep me.

 

4) Before the OM, she had an intense crush to one of her other male friends that ended when she started her affair with OM. Nothing happened with this 1st guy; it is someone who is in a different country and is married.

 

5) An email two weeks ago, she said she loves the OM more than me. She felt the same way with me that she did with OM in the beginning of our relationship, but felt we grew apart during a 2-year long-distance situation that took place 5 years ago.

 

6) After affair ended, she found out she was pregnant with OM's baby and had an abortion. OM did not want to start a family in this situation and cannot handle the circumstances. Wife had reservations about his wandering eye, the fact that he would not want an imperfect baby (physical or psychological disability). Was looking to forward to having a family with me. Will miss him, have fond memories and thankful to have experienced mutual love again in her life.

 

When I read these e-mails, I was devastated beyond belief. My wife is highly intelligent, very successful in her field, one of the most kind, generous, thoughtful, responsible, ethical people I've ever known. I never thought in a million years that she would do something like this. It's not to say that I do not have any blame. When we got back to living together again after our long-distance situation, I was very good to her, but I did not spend enough quality time with her. I am an extremely introverted person and did not always go out when we went out with friends and family. She has a highly demanding and stressful job, and I always thought that what I did for her was enough. I did all of the chores and took care of her - grocery shopped, cooked, vacuumed, cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes, ironed, packed her vitamins, picked up her packages. In a way, doing these things allowed her to even have the time to spend it with other people, but I was happy to do so because I wanted her to build her roots here when she moved to where I was. I was there to give her affection when she came home from work each evening, have dinner with her, and later tuck her into bed. I confronted her two days ago, and yesterday I told her that I wanted a divorce. I was too devastated from the things I read, felt that I did not want to be a choice made out of mediocre options - I should be the only option - felt that I would never fully recover, and that I felt I deserved a higher level of happiness than the one I would have if we tried to reconcile. She understood and accepted my decision, but was devastated. We ended up having a 5-hour highly emotional discussion with a lot of crying. The divorce was pretty much a done deal; she was going to move out as soon as possible and had started e-mailing brokers through craigslist. In the end, I waffled, changed my mind and decided that I wanted more time to think about my decision. During our discussion, a lot of good memories and good things about our relationship were brought up when we spoke about our futures apart. We both could not contain our tears when we spoke about the dream and plans to have a family dying and how we would not feel 100% right being apart from each other. It was the 1st time I felt remorse from her because of what she's done, and this is most difficult part for me to reconcile...the things she said in the e-mail vs. how great she is as a person and how good she had been to me and my family over the years before the affair. I also find it difficult to reconcile the idea of having to put forth an insane amount of effort to change myself (my introversion) and to improve our relationship after what she did to me...having unprotected sex with another man and getting pregnant with his baby. At this juncture, I still not do not know what to do.

Edited July 31, 2012 by Copelandsanity

[Copelandsanity]

Other things of note:

 

1) She is willing to put in whatever effort is needed if we stay together.

 

2) She has cut off contact with OM.

 

3) It's weird but a part of me believes that I will never find someone as good as her ever again, and a part of her believes that she will never find someone who is good to her as I've been ever again. But there needs to be wholesale changes - definitely many on my end - to have ourselves fit together better.

[karnak]

First thing to consider: take things as calmly as you can.

 

What you may think and feel now may be completely different than what you'll feel and think in a month's time.

 

Take your time. Don't kill your self thinking or reflecting to much. Be gentle to yourself and take all the time you need before making any kind of decision.

[GLDheart]

3) I am one of the good men in the world - of which she believes there is only a small percentage of - and that is more reason to keep me..

 

Ahhh... I swell with pride for you. You are such a valuable thing for her to own.

[Lauriebell82]

Other things of note:

 

1) She is willing to put in whatever effort is needed if we stay together..

 

She didn't put effort into your marriage earlier so...

 

2) She has cut off contact with OM.

 

How do you know this information? Her word should not be good enough for you, she has lied to you repeatedly.

 

3) It's weird but a part of me believes that I will never find someone as good as her ever again, and a part of her believes that she will never find someone who is good to her as I've been ever again. But there needs to be wholesale changes - definitely many on my end - to have ourselves fit together better.

 

I feel that this is the route of the problem. You both seem to have some twisted insecurities. If she believes that you were good to her and will never find anyone who is like that, then why she did she seek out an affair? And you feel that you will never find someone as good as her again? She lied to you, cheated on you, got pregnant with another man's baby and then aborted it. There are MANY MANY MANY women who do not behave like this, and I 100% guarantee that you will find one.

 

It seems like you are being a bit of a doormat here. You sound like a very decent and caring guy. And she is taking advantage of that. Please don't let her. I know it is going to be tough to stick to your guns, but she sounds like a good manipulator..it will be easy for her to tell you what you want to hear. Don't let her!

[scatterd]

Wow what a hard blow. Give your self a little time to think and see how she reacts. I think she is in shock you found out and you are defiantly in shock she did this and that hurts. She needs to earn your trust back and counseling could not hurt. I wish the best for you

[zsu234]

Your wife is toxic to you I would suggest immediate seperation so that you can detox from her influence and NC her. After your head clears you will know what to do.

[JustJoe]

Keep you?!? What the f88k are you? The family pet? Her favorite sofa? Do you have "Welcome", printed across your forehead? Dude.... where is your pride? Your "wife", screwed another man, told him she loved him MORE THAN YOU, gives you some of his leftovers, and you actually want to know what to do? With all due respect, are you for real? Think about it. What if she gave him head, then "forgot" to brush her teeth and kissed you goodnight? Let me clue you in, she is NOT a good person. Professional expertise, educational acomplishments, do NOT imply character. Josef Mengele was a really good dentist, but he was also a child murderer. Instead of thinking what a "wonderful " person she is, think about what she IS NOT. Honest, Faithful, respectful, loving, loyal, are just SOME of the things she isn't. PLUS, she got pregnant and IF the OM had been a better man, would have left you for him. Plus since she got Pregnant, that means she had unprotected sex, thereby exposing you to STD's. Showing that she didn't care if you lived or died. And you have to ask??? If you have any pride and honor at all, you will kick her to the curb, so fast she will change time zones. THAT is What you should do.

Edited August 1, 2012 by JustJoe

[Artie Lang]

given what you know from reading the e-mails, you'll always be considered the consolation prize in her eyes. you'll always be second best.....i mean, she got pregnant from him.

 

her only regret is that you found out her true feelings.

 

sorry, dude. you deserve to come in first place, not runner-up.

[road]

Apples come from apple trees.

 

Knee jerk responses come from j...........

 

You are not in the mental state to make important decisions. Your mind can take up to six months to process this affair.

 

You need to have WW send the OM a NC letter.

You must expose this affair to the OMW/GF.

You need to buy the book Survivng An Affair.

 

Do not tell WW that you will be snooping to see if she breaks NC.

Do get a digital VAR to hide in the house and WW car.

Do get and hide a real time GPS for WW car.

Do install a key logger on the PC.

Do m onitor the phone bills.

 

Do not have SF with WW until you both have been tested for STD.

[GLDheart]

Apples come from apple trees.

 

Knee jerk responses come from j............

 

Jerk Trees?

 

 

 

You are not in the mental state to make important decisions. Your mind can take up to six months to process this affair.

 

You need to have WW send the OM a NC letter.

You must expose this affair to the OMW/GF.

You need to buy the book Survivng An Affair.

 

Do not tell WW that you will be snooping to see if she breaks NC.

Do get a digital VAR to hide in the house and WW car.

Do get and hide a real time GPS for WW car.

Do install a key logger on the PC.

Do m onitor the phone bills.

 

Do not have SF with WW until you both have been tested for STD.

 

Why are you quoting him standard advice?

 

The snooping steps you have listed are all to help discover an affair or to see how far it goes. I'm pretty sure "Loves him more than me and was having his baby" answers that pretty well.

 

The reconciliation steps of book reading and NC letters would be for remorseful spouses that made a very bad choice. Ones that feel like they had thier heads in the cloud but reality has woken them up and now they are fighting for thier marriage. That is NOT what is happening here. Did you even read the OP's post?

 

The OP has an unremoresful spouse using him as a safety net. She does not love him. She LOVES ANOTHER Man. But the OM is too risky so she stays safely with the OP until... until what? I don't see where the wife is in this marriage for love/honor/commitment do you?

 

Please give thought to the situation as it has been presented and stop with the cookie cutter advice.

[ver13]

Relax it can only get better now that you know who you have been living with all this time. From one introvert to another changing yourself will not make all of the things that she has done disappear. Sit down and ask yourself is this what you want to deal with for the rest of your life because it will never go away. John Lennon said "Life is what happens when your busy making plans". If you had never read the emails you would have blessfully wandered along ignorant of the true nature of the woman that your living with. But once you saw the words that she put down everything changed. If you feel like you can go on down lifes twisted road with this person by your side having your back against all adversity then continue to walk with her. But if you have any real reservation let her go because all you have said about her so far if you just read your post doesn't look like she deserves you. Getting preggo is pretty far out there to say the least with birth control being what it is these days and the abortion to hide it from you is rather extreme. If you can salvage trust out of this one at any time in distant future then work on it, if not go now...

[nofool4u]

5) An email two weeks ago, she said she loves the OM more than me.

 

Boom, thats all you need to hear. Get rid of her

 

6) After affair ended, she found out she was pregnant with OM's baby and had an abortion.

 

Oh thats nice, cheat, get her fun in, and a child has to pay the ultimate price for her stupidity and selfishness. Nice, real nice.

 

 

Wife had reservations about his wandering eye

 

LMFAO! Really? A cheater wondering about another man's faithfulness?

 

 

I confronted her two days ago, and yesterday I told her that I wanted a divorce. I was too devastated from the things I read, felt that I did not want to be a choice made out of mediocre options - I should be the only option - felt that I would never fully recover, and that I felt I deserved a higher level of happiness than the one I would have if we tried to reconcile.

 

Good for you and very good decision. You shouldn't have to try to reconcile with a woman you know will always hold a special place in her heart for the OM.

 

 

She understood and accepted my decision, but was devastated.

 

Good. But a fickle woman like her won't be devastated for long. She'll realize she can now go screw as many different men as she likes. And you can move on to a better life.

 

 

We ended up having a 5-hour highly emotional discussion with a lot of crying. The divorce was pretty much a done deal; she was going to move out as soon as possible and had started e-mailing brokers through craigslist. In the end, I waffled, changed my mind and decided that I wanted more time to think about my decision.

 

My man, I can say with all confidence that if you decide you want to keep her, you WILL regret it.

[nofool4u]

3) It's weird but a part of me believes that I will never find someone as good as her ever again

 

Thats a pretty grim assessment seeing as how there are millions of women better than her out there for you.

[96nole]

Oh boy...what a mess. All signs point to divorce. As much as it sucks, it would be very hard for you to be able to get past all of this enough to be able to salvage this marriage.

 

4) Before the OM, she had an intense crush to one of her other male friends that ended when she started her affair with OM. Nothing happened with this 1st guy; it is someone who is in a different country and is married.

She had a major crush on someone, and then had an affair with a different guy. She was already leaving in her mind. You haven't been in her focus for a while.

 

the things she said in the e-mail vs. how great she is as a person and how good she had been to me and my family over the years before the affair.

Sorry to say, but she is not a great person. Perhaps she was many years ago, but not now or even in the recent past. If she was a great person, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant by another man. You're morning the loss of the person you thought she was, not the person she really is. Words are cheap. Her actions are everything. Her actions are not from a great person.

 

I also find it difficult to reconcile the idea of having to put forth an insane amount of effort to change myself

Why do you have to change YOURSELF? YOU are not the one that been lying and cheating. YOU have done more for her than most husbands do. She is the lying cheater. SHE is the one that must make changes.

 

At this juncture, I still not do not know what to do.

Take your time to decide. My opinion is to divorce now. Here's why:

 

-She's invested mentally, emotionally, and physically with 2 different men recently. In doing so, she lost respect for you. So much so that she even said she loved another man more than you.

 

-Had unprotected sex with another man. Not only did she get pregnant, but she very well could have exposed you to an STD. I hope you've been checked.

 

-When you mentioned divorce, she was not shocked and was ready to leave. She has obviously already thought about it. And of course she was devastated. But be careful that she's not acting. If she loses you she is also losing your income, and all the things you do around the house. Now she will have to do all those things herself.

 

Your story has many similarities to mine. And I think she will DEFINITELY do it again. That's another reason I think it's heading to divorce. You can try to reconcile. You can spend months or years reading her email, texts, using GPS to track her, checking phone logs and verifying her stories. But you'll still not trust her. And it's still easy for her to get around all that to keep in touch with her OM or with a new one. And speaking from experience, all of that tracking gets old and tiring very fast. Then in the, most likely, near future she'll cheat again and you'll feel all the pain and betrayal again.

OR

You can get the divorce now and deal with the hurt and pain now as opposed to later. Get past the pain so you can get healed and not waste any more time with her. It's not easy and you won't get past it overnight. But any more time between now and the next time she cheats is just wasted time for YOU.

 

I'm sorry, but I firmly believe she will do this again.

[road]

Jerk Trees?

 

 

 

 

 

Why are you quoting him standard advice?

 

The snooping steps you have listed are all to help discover an affair or to see how far it goes. I'm pretty sure "Loves him more than me and was having his baby" answers that pretty well.

 

The reconciliation steps of book reading and NC letters would be for remorseful spouses that made a very bad choice. Ones that feel like they had thier heads in the cloud but reality has woken them up and now they are fighting for thier marriage. That is NOT what is happening here. Did you even read the OP's post?

 

The OP has an unremoresful spouse using him as a safety net. She does not love him. She LOVES ANOTHER Man. But the OM is too risky so she stays safely with the OP until... until what? I don't see where the wife is in this marriage for love/honor/commitment do you?

 

Please give thought to the situation as it has been presented and stop with the cookie cutter advice.

 

 

Jerk Trees, no just Jerk's!

 

Standard advice because all affairs are basically the same.

 

These things are things that this BH must do.

 

Good sound advice is better then people ranting about his WW and telling him to dump her.

[Lauriebell82]

Jerk Trees, no just Jerk's!

 

Standard advice because all affairs are basically the same.

 

These things are things that this BH must do.

 

Good sound advice is better then people ranting about his WW and telling him to dump her.

 

I would tend to agree with giving standard advice, however pointing out WW's flaws are justified in this case, as the OP clearly has some blinders on.

 

Hopefully OP comes back to the thread to read all the responses.

[nofool4u]

Good sound advice is better then people ranting about his WW and telling him to dump her.

 

Telling him to divorce a woman like this, who says she loves the OM more than her H, that will pine for OM, and is only staying with H out of security IS sound advice.

[road]

Telling him to divorce a woman like this, who says she loves the OM more than her H, that will pine for OM, and is only staying with H out of security IS sound advice.

 

 

Standard WW in the fog response to her affair on and shortly after dday. Many WW realize later that they did indeed re write their marital history to justify them having an affair.

 

This WW as any other WW have done she can defog and recover. If he has gotten NC and is able to verify NC there is no hurry to decide on to D or R.

 

He needs to do what is right and post dday and take his time.

 

I hope he has gotten the SAA book and has not put it down.

[2sunny]

Other things of note:

 

1) She is willing to put in whatever effort is needed if we stay together.

 

2) She has cut off contact with OM.

 

3) It's weird but a part of me believes that I will never find someone as good as her ever again, and a part of her believes that she will never find someone who is good to her as I've been ever again. But there needs to be wholesale changes - definitely many on my end - to have ourselves fit together better.

 

Ummm, YOU should not change - SHE SHOULD! Whether you stay together or not!

 

She's a full on cheat! She killed a possible baby! And that is part of WHO she is! She a big fat liar!

 

SHE must change!

 

Stop thinking its YOU - it's her - SHE isn't the woman you THOUGHT she COULD be = she's the cheater who kills babies!

 

Come on dude - how can YOU stand to look HER in the eye?

[Artie Lang]

you say you'll never find anyone "as good as her".....dude she cheated on you! even got pregnant.

 

you have some serious self-esteem issues, bro.

[durentu]

Check out Dr Gottman's work. Marriage is an institution which means we must look away from behaviors that are not congruent with marriage goals. Is it easy? no. Do people mess up? yes.

 

But that's all beside the point, because the really gravy is in how you both resolve the conflict and review why you both got married in the first place. Did you have goals and dreams for a married life? Can these goals still be achieved with the bumps in the road? Is this a repair job or a catastrophic failure, beyond repair?

[2sunny]

There's really no considering a reconciliation since she fully stated she lives the OM more than her H - done deal.

 

Seems she's only sad she got caught - not sad she did it.

 

And last time I checked a "good woman" does not consist of a gal that cheats- declares love to other men - and kills off unborn children!

 

Your idea of a good woman is way off base. Take a hard look at your guidelines for decency much less a good woman.

[TG1]

If my wife did that to me, I don't know if I could forgive or forget for that matter and I would probably end up not even getting a divorce but an annulment instead setting her free because she can be a family with the other man and their baby because I wouldn't want to be raising his kid

[Copelandsanity]

First thing to consider: take things as calmly as you can.

 

What you may think and feel now may be completely different than what you'll feel and think in a month's time.

 

Take your time. Don't kill your self thinking or reflecting to much. Be gentle to yourself and take all the time you need before making any kind of decision.

 

Thank you for your advice. Yesterday, I had what felt like a heart attack and collapsed to the ground after reading en e-mail from my sister about the situation. It ended up being chest muscle spasms from high stress and anxiety. I had been severely depressed, angry, felt worthless and lonely. I had also been constantly going back and forth in my head about the right decision to make; this is something that will affect the rest of my life. One day I told her I wanted a divorce, then I wanted more time to think about it. The next day, I told her I wanted to take a leap of faith in her and go through with reconciliation. Then, I experienced the attack...and I had her move out of our apartment temporarily so I could take it easy and focus on myself for a bit.