My Wife Cheated on Me And Was Pregnant with OM's Baby

[Copelandsanity]

Totally agree.

For the most part, your wife's actions will guide you in making your decision.

 

For example, if your wife hasn't already started moving heaven and earth TODAY to convince you to stay married and is just sitting back and waiting for you to make a decision, then you have one of "those" wives we see here on LoveShack.

 

In that case, she's never going to be the wife you deserve.

 

Watch and wait. You'll get your answers soon enough.

 

My wife has tried her best to be extremely good to me during the time after I found out: being there to talk things out in a calm manner, expressing to me how she cares for me and still has wishes for a family with me, understanding the times in which I cry profusely and hurt for hours on end, and taking me to the hospital and taking care of me in my time of pain (read previous post).

 

I do have some concerns and they are:

 

1) While she has answered questions, she refuses to say OM's name - I already know who it is and she knows I know - and won't even acknowledge openly that it's him.

 

2) Feels extremely uncomfortable speaking about specific details of her relationship with OM. There is a huge personal component in their relationship...the OM went through a traumatic breakup where he had suicidal thoughts and my wife saved him from it. He is an eternal pessimist that doesn't believe in true love, marriage, having children...and is a bit of a depressive alcoholic. OM initiated the affair and my wife - as demonstrated in the e-mails - is proud of it because OM apparently has changed his outlook on life and is now wanting to love, marry, have children now...just not the one with her (ridiculous, isn't it?). Her only answer for me was tears and a statement that she feels that God put her on Earth to help people with their problems and to solve their issues...and that her purpose isn't for her to be happy. And she has always been that way...she has been extremely thoughtful, understanding, patient, reliable and generous to all of herfriends, family, myself over her entire lifetime, which is why I still believe that despite her indiscretions that she is still a good person.

[Copelandsanity]

WOW...a baby. That is a hard one to deal with even if she chose not to go to term.

 

She told me that that was the most emotional day of her life. She cried the entire time before and after the operation. She was crying even up until they put her under.

 

In a way, I wish the OM would have been a real man...expressed love for my life and the wishes to be a good husband and father (the one that I 100% would have been) for my wife. Then she wouldn't have to abort the baby, and while I would have been devastated, I would also not be in the limbo I am right now.

[Copelandsanity]

given what you know from reading the e-mails, you'll always be considered the consolation prize in her eyes. you'll always be second best.....i mean, she got pregnant from him.

 

her only regret is that you found out her true feelings.

 

sorry, dude. you deserve to come in first place, not runner-up.

 

This is another one of my huge concerns. Her answer to this is that she wouldn't have married me if she didn't think I was a great guy with great qualities and she believes that I can still be. Something that I should have expressed more in my OP is that although I have been good to her, I also allowed our relationship to suffer by not going out with her friends, being introverted and "cold" towards her family, not taking her out often enough, not communicating with her enough. Our relationship became too routine and stagnant, and we were more like roommates than best friends. However, one thing that bothers me is that although she made attempts to have me do more of those things, she never initiated a serious discussion about how my inadequacies. It was only AFTER she ended her affair, but BEFORE I found out that we had this discussion...and our relationship suddenly improved and we became closer. Even after I found out, we had a few days where we were physically intimate and felt closer than ever...but then I had the collapse and I also found out more information: the thing with Guy #1, which while wasn't a physical relationship, it was an on-and-off emotional affair extending back 3 years...

[Copelandsanity]

Thats a pretty grim assessment seeing as how there are millions of women better than her out there for you.

 

I think that it's me being scared of starting over after putting 7 years of my life into one woman....someone that on paper and outside of her indiscretions, is a pretty amazing woman.

[Copelandsanity]

Check out Dr Gottman's work. Marriage is an institution which means we must look away from behaviors that are not congruent with marriage goals. Is it easy? no. Do people mess up? yes.

 

But that's all beside the point, because the really gravy is in how you both resolve the conflict and review why you both got married in the first place. Did you have goals and dreams for a married life? Can these goals still be achieved with the bumps in the road? Is this a repair job or a catastrophic failure, beyond repair?

 

A part of me still feels that if I put in the effort to be a better husband (more attentive, spend more quality time with her, more physically intimate) that we can still have a great relationship. We both had dreams of a family, had baby names picked out, plans during pregnancy and afterwards...This is why I feel like reconciliation is still on the table. I genuinely think either divorce (ripping it off like a bandaid) or reconciliation (put 100% of myself into it and trusting her again) are the only options. The issue is if perhaps all of this is just too much to recover from or truly get over. Would I one day be able to truly look at her in the eye and be able to fully trust her again?

[Copelandsanity]

There's really no considering a reconciliation since she fully stated she lives the OM more than her H - done deal.

 

Seems she's only sad she got caught - not sad she did it.

 

And last time I checked a "good woman" does not consist of a gal that cheats- declares love to other men - and kills off unborn children!

 

Your idea of a good woman is way off base. Take a hard look at your guidelines for decency much less a good woman.

 

I am sad that your 2nd point may be correct. She believes that her affair with Guy #2 was something that ultimately was for the better because it improved the OM's life. And the thing with Guy #1...it does not feel like she is remorseful about her time with him, but more remorseful about how it's hurt me.

[TG1]

If my wife did that to me, I don't know if I could forgive or forget for that matter and I would probably end up not even getting a divorce but an annulment instead setting her free because she can be a family with the other man and their baby because I wouldn't want to be raising his kid

 

You say you have 2 children with your wife right, if you do, do you want to subject your children to a mother who ends up cheating on their father constantly or do you want your children to be raised in a household with a mother who is 100% faithful to their father, either way you have a decision to make and at the end of the day can you really get past your wife cheating on you more than once? If it were me, I know I wouldn't be able to and I would divorce her but I would still be a part of my kids' lives and that is what I think you should do, divorce her and only be in your wife's life because of the kids and that's it, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with a woman who will treat you right rather than cheat

[Copelandsanity]

NEW INFO:

 

Her thing with Guy #1 was not a crush, it was an EA. 4 years ago, we had a long distance relationship where we grew apart. A lot of it was my fault because I didn't like to talk on the phone (I'm a big introvert) and I was also so focused on doing well in school, while she worked 80-100 hours. Although I would expend a lot of effort to travel to her city every weekend, I did not communicate enough with her. And during our time apart (2 years), she would have dinner/plans with Guy #1 twice a month. They became very good friends, but nothing physical happened or would have happened, as Guy #1 already had a serious GF and he is a devout Catholic. In the 2 years since (she traveled back to live with me and Guy #1 moved to another country), they still maintained close contact with each other through e-mail and text. She considered him her best friend. When he got married, her feelings intensified and she could not stop thinking about him. Eventually things died down and she started her affair with Guy #2.

[Copelandsanity]

You say you have 2 children with your wife right, if you do, do you want to subject your children to a mother who ends up cheating on their father constantly or do you want your children to be raised in a household with a mother who is 100% faithful to their father, either way you have a decision to make and at the end of the day can you really get past your wife cheating on you more than once? If it were me, I know I wouldn't be able to and I would divorce her but I would still be a part of my kids' lives and that is what I think you should do, divorce her and only be in your wife's life because of the kids and that's it, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with a woman who will treat you right rather than cheat

 

Nowhere did I say that we had two kids, but I understand the point you're making.

[2sunny]

I think that it's me being scared of starting over after putting 7 years of my life into one woman....someone that on paper and outside of her indiscretions, is a pretty amazing woman.

 

Unless she changes the core being of herself by doing a TOn of counseling - you're still left with a woman that heats.

 

Being scared is one thing - but you could be in the same situation 10 or 20 years from now when she decides she's bored and wants to cheat again.

 

She obviously loves to "rescue" and needs that ego feed to feel important. Since she doesn't get that for you - she could be chasing that "high"(rescuing) for the rest other life - and your M- if she doesn't get help from counseling. That is for HER to do, not you.

 

And lastly - since she's still with holding info from you - she's still not willing to be completely honest and transparent in order to regain your trust. Since she's acting that way - there's really NOTHING to consider... Because she's still not being honest. Without her honesty - there's no marriage.

[TG1]

Nowhere did I say that we had two kids, but I understand the point you're making.

 

Either way you deserve to be happy and you should be happy but with someone else, so that way your wife can see just what it is that she lost, what she could have had with you, and you can then ask her for a divorce or an annulment, either way you're done with her and you can move on with another woman, a new woman, and your new woman can be the new woman in your life as well as the new woman in your child's life too and then your wife will truly lose out in the end

 

But as a way to pay her back, if it were me, I would cheat on her just so she could feel my pain

[ghgh750]

How long did this affair last for? How many times did they meet for sex?

 

The pregnancy and you being second choice are deal breakers. I think it is best to file for divorce and move on. She placed you second man. There is no coming back from this. What happens if this guy comes back 10 years from now?

 

Do you or your wife make more money? (It appears as if you are worried about finances....don't be, divorce laws can help you out)

[Furious]

My wife has tried her best to be extremely good to me during the time after I found out: being there to talk things out in a calm manner, expressing to me how she cares for me and still has wishes for a family with me, understanding the times in which I cry profusely and hurt for hours on end, and taking me to the hospital and taking care of me in my time of pain (read previous post).

 

I do have some concerns and they are:

 

1) While she has answered questions, she refuses to say OM's name - I already know who it is and she knows I know - and won't even acknowledge openly that it's him.

 

2) Feels extremely uncomfortable speaking about specific details of her relationship with OM. There is a huge personal component in their

relationship...the OM went through a traumatic breakup where he had suicidal thoughts and my wife saved him from it. He is an eternal pessimist that doesn't believe in true love, marriage, having children...and is a bit of a depressive alcoholic. OM initiated the affair and my wife - as demonstrated in the e-mails - is proud of it because OM apparently has changed his outlook on life and is now wanting to love, marry, have children now...just not the one with her (ridiculous, isn't it?). Her only answer for me was tears and a statement that she feels that God put her on Earth to help people with their

problems and to solve their issues...and that her purpose isn't for her to be happy. And she has always been that way...she has been extremely thoughtful, understanding, patient, reliable and generous to all of herfriends, family,

myself over her entire lifetime, which is why I still believe that despite her

indiscretions that she is still a good person.

 

 

 

You are desperately hanging on to the belief she is a good person.

You're still in shock and denial.

 

She is a fraud and her actions speak louder than her words.

 

She sounds ridiculous with her talk about why God put her on the earth to

help people and that her role is to make others happy and not herself.

She seemed happy enough in her affair, and where in this was she helping you? She is such a hypocrite.

 

 

And she seems to have a way with making you feel guilty as if you didn't give her enough attention, and you're buying it and allowing her to blame shift it on

you.

 

Good that you've made her move out, you are showing great strength in putting your needs first.

 

You are very smart and your gut is telling you what your heart does not want to believe. Listen to your gut and your heart will follow.

 

Hugs

[Wanting1]

Her only answer for me was tears and a statement that she feels that God put her on Earth to help people with their problems and to solve their issues...and that her purpose isn't for her to be happy. And she has always been that way...she has been extremely thoughtful, understanding, patient, reliable and generous to all of herfriends, family, myself over her entire lifetime, which is why I still believe that despite her indiscretions that she is still a good person.

 

She feels that God put her on Earth to help people? Think about that for just a second. She made a vow before God to put you above all others. And what has she done? She has hurt you above all others. If she really believes that her purpose on Earth is to sleep with men who are going through a rough time, to the detriment of her husband's mental health, what does that really say about her? She is more messed up than the men she is trying to help.

 

She is broken. She doesn't love you. Not real love. I'm not talking about being "in love." That's just brain biochemistry. Real love is deeper, it's richer, and it's what you deserve with someone who deserves that from you. You are wasting it on her.

 

And you are not to blame for being who you are. You are an introvert. You were one when she married you. No surprises, right? Does it sound right that you get the blame for being who you are, but OM gets the sympathy, the love, the physical relationship because of who he is? There is no logic to this thought process, except to get you to blame yourself for her actions or to blame yourself for not being able to understand her actions.

[Artie Lang]

Her only answer for me was tears and a statement that she feels that God put her on Earth to help people with their problems and to solve their issues...and that her purpose isn't for her to be happy.

 

by this, she means bangin' some other guy and carrying his baby.

 

oy vey.

[Radu]

OM initiated the affair and my wife - as demonstrated in the e-mails - is proud of it because OM apparently has changed his outlook on life and is now wanting to love, marry, have children now...just not the one with her (ridiculous, isn't it?).

Her only answer for me was tears and a statement that she feels that God put her on Earth to help people with their problems and to solve their issues...and that her purpose isn't for her to be happy.

And she has always been that way...she has been extremely thoughtful, understanding, patient, reliable and generous to all of herfriends, family, myself over her entire lifetime, which is why I still believe that despite her indiscretions that she is still a good person.

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm sorry ... this one will be remembered by me for a loooong time, thanks for cheering me up dude.

 

I can already see it ... her riding some guy's dick to get pregnant, because she wants to save that man ... by f*cking.

This is precious ...

 

And you have so much anxity over this that you collapsed to the ground and thought you had a heart-attack.

[JustJoe]

This just keeps getting better and better. Dude, what are you going to do when OM# 3 or # 4 or #25 comes around, hold his coat? My suggestion is to put in a spare bedroom where you can go when the other guys ( because there WILL be more men)come over to sleep with your wife. Do you understand the term, "doormat?" Look at it this way, if you were a woman, would you have any respect at all for somebody like you? She has cheated twice, is completely unrepentant, got knocked up and aborted, AND YOU STILL THINK SHE'S A GOOD PERSON? You are either a troll, or a cuckold, or both.

[RobD70]

A part of me still feels that if I put in the effort to be a better husband (more attentive, spend more quality time with her, more physically intimate) that we can still have a great relationship.

Nope!

 

You are not the problem, she is. Don't REWARD her for cheating by being a better husband.

 

Your biggest problem is that you are blaming yourself for all of this. This is not your fault and your wife isn't as great as you think she is. You are idealizing her and not seeing her for what she really is. She KNEW how you were before she married you and married you anyway, she has no excuse aside from pure selfishness for her affairs.

 

This will never go away, years from now you will still be dealing with the fallout from this. Don't let fear motivate you, single life isn't near as bad as you think and you can always find someone better.

[GLDheart]

...single life isn't near as bad as you think and you can always find someone better.

 

You will also save a small fortune by kicking her out. No really. I still can't believe the difference myself. It will shock you.

 

Me... I've been eyeballing a new sports car..... ;-)

[karnak]

Have you ever considered that guy#1 (her first platonic lover) was perhaps her "true love" (or what she thinks as so) and that, after losing him, she will have no problems in getting involved with other men? Because now she thinks she has nothing else of value to lose?

[Lauriebell82]

I am sad that your 2nd point may be correct. She believes that her affair with Guy #2 was something that ultimately was for the better because it improved the OM's life. And the thing with Guy #1...it does not feel like she is remorseful about her time with him, but more remorseful about how it's hurt me.

 

Think about that for a minute. Her cheating on you was for the better? Her reasoning is rather messed up if you ask me..having an affair improved a man's life? Even if that is true, it ruined your's. So she has some nerve to say that it was "for the better."

 

I know it's hard to hear these things about your wife, but she seems to be playing you. She knows you very well and is taking advantage of you. Us telling you doesn't seem to be convincing you though, so you may have to just realize this yourself. Unfortunately, that may mean her decieving you again.

[TG1]

Think about that for a minute. Her cheating on you was for the better? Her reasoning is rather messed up if you ask me..having an affair improved a man's life? Even if that is true, it ruined your's. So she has some nerve to say that it was "for the better."

 

I know it's hard to hear these things about your wife, but she seems to be playing you. She knows you very well and is taking advantage of you. Us telling you doesn't seem to be convincing you though, so you may have to just realize this yourself. Unfortunately, that may mean her decieving you again.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater

[nofool4u]

I think that it's me being scared of starting over after putting 7 years of my life into one woman....someone that on paper and outside of her indiscretions, is a pretty amazing woman.

 

Trust me, I started over and its WONDERFUL

[Copelandsanity]

Update:

 

I made the decision to divorce my wife and told her of it over a week ago. She's still currently living with me, but has found a new apartment to move into at the start of September. We are still on good terms, however, we have not ironed out all the details of our divorce agreement yet (uncontested no-fault divorce). In the end, both affairs were too much for me to overcome. I couldn't take the risk of still feeling this way after a lengthy reconciliation, and of cheating in the future after we've had children. I still feel a high level of stress of anxiety (chest still hurts), along with periods of numbness, but I also see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you guys so much for all of your advice.

[nofool4u]

I still feel a high level of stress of anxiety (chest still hurts), along with periods of numbness, but I also see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you guys so much for all of your advice.

 

Been there done that my man. I know exactly how you are feeling. Its going to be stressful until its all said and done.

 

But when its done you will be able to breath a sigh of relief and enjoy starting your new life. You are going to enjoy it!!!