Hey Mitch & Tony

[Angel]

Remember me the wife with an alcoholic husband that isn't attracted to her anymore?? Well here is a little update on my situation for ya. I decided to talk to him about everything that was going on. I told him that he needed to step back and think about how he feels. Because if he thought that his feelings for me was not ever going to change or if he couldn't stop his drinking and lying then he needed to leave. But on the other hand if he thought our marriage was worth trying to save and he could get those feelings back for me again then stay and we would try and work it out someway.

 

Guess what he decided! When we got back home from church he had decided to move out. I said fine but he had better make sure that he was doing the right thing. I left and went to get some gas. When I got back he already had his stuff packed and was on his way out the door!!

 

Well I didn't hear from him all day so a little bit ago I decided to call his cell phone just to make sure he was alright. I mean he had told me that he wasn't going to be drinking but you never know. I do love him and don't want anything to happen to him. Well his behind was sitting up in a hotel drunk!!! That is why he decided to leave. Just so he could have his alcohol. I suggested to him that he needed to go and get help for it. Maybe he knew that he would always be lying to me. I don't know what he was thinking.

 

In the course of our conversation he told me that he did love me and the reason why he left was he didn't know what else to do. He knew he had made me miserable with what he had said to me and didn't want me to feel like that anymore. I told him that if he did REALLY love me then he would have elected to stay and try and work through our problems. But then I caught myself talking like I was almost begging him to come home so I cut the conversation off. I don't want to do that at all. He does have a drinking problem or better yet should I say he IS an alcoholic. Until he does something about that problem, our problems can never be resolved.

 

The weird thing is that I want him here more than anything. Everytime a car goes by I think its him. Even get up and look out the window to see if it is or not. I really don't want to do anything that would not be good for me in the long run. So what should I do next?? Help guys because I am really confused.

 

By the way Mitch I do think the weight thing was just a cop out for the drinking.

[Mitch]

Angel,

 

I'm convinced inebriated people aren't worth talking to. They won't remember what you've talked about very well if at all, and even if they do, will try to use the "but I was drunk" excuse. In any event, you'll end up irritated and mad at them in the end and not much more will come of it. Sadly, this guy's sober moments seem limited to maybe, what?, a few moments a day?

 

This guy is clearly a problem drinker in the worst way.

 

And he's an adult too. A nasty combination.

 

Plus when given the choice, "alcohol or me", ... you saw how he voted.

 

And I bet he would have voted that way with anybody.

The weird thing is that I want him here more than anything. Everytime a car goes by I think its him. Even get up and look out the window to see if it is or not. I really don't want to do anything that would not be good for me in the long run. So what should I do next?? Help guys because I am really confused.

Now is it him or just someone? Are you used to caring for him while he sleeps it off?

 

Getting HIM to return or him returning doesn't seem to be the solution here.

 

The problem seems to be figuring out what to do when he isn't around, and dealing with the new developments. It's obviously affecting you and I'm not surprised. It's a pretty big step right? Necessary nontheless, but a pretty big step.

 

Explore why you miss him. What do you miss specifically? Why do you want this guy who is blitzed most of the time around? Heck, what does he provide? A distraction or something? Familiarity and routine? "Hey look, I've got a man here?"

 

And I don't mean to sound critical. You feel this way for a reason.

 

And I'm not trying to "talk you out of" feeling the way you do either. I'm only suggesting strongly that the reasons aren't tied to his being there although they probably seem to be right now.

 

Consider concentrating a bit on the things that are happily absent now that he is gone. I'd guess there are some.

 

So that you can easily remember them, consider the pros and cons of leaving things the way they were and right them down on a sheet of paper.

 

And you said it best:

"Until he does something about that problem, our problems can never be resolved."

If you feel that way, the key here is to get used to the possibility that he might not ever seriously sober up.

 

No, it won't be easy. But it's probably something that has to be done. What's the alternative? Have him ruin both of your potential for happiness?

 

Good luck with all this. Consider looking into groups that support people who have an alcoholic in their life.

 

And be prepared to stand your ground in the future when he wanders back. That's a highly likely scenario. It sounds like he'll probably try to toss some of the blame your way too ("I left because .. you can't cook any good Italian dishes or you're too thin/fat/tall/short/blond/brunette, etc., etc., etc., etc!).