Should I stay or go?

[jande34808]

I am married for 2 yrs.My husband iwas very affectionate in between his yelling at me.Now he yells,calls me names,leaves for a day or two,states this is all my fault.I yell back at him when he is degrading me.I am a good woman who works,takes care of the house,goes to church,am home when I am supposed to be,pay the bills, love to make love. So what is he complaining about? I do not know. He is Indonesian and I am the one who insisted he get his immigration papers.Now that he has them, his only goal is to bring his two kids to USA.They are 19 and 20.Sometimes He never tells me he loves me. I tell him all the time that I love him,sometimes he answers and he can hardly get it out of his mouth.His interests are with other people who can get him where he is going. In other words,he latches on to other people if they can do something for him.He does not communicate with me until he has discussed it with other people.I am not number one in his life.Other people are.All I want is some communication and affection which I am not getting.Because of his nationality,I do not feel that I am valued as a woman.I don't want to be "in love,by myself".Do I stay or go?Or kick him out, it is my house.

[Jacksin]

Kick him out pronto!

The last part of your posting said it all. You are only a rung on his ladder.

 

Move on.

 

Good Luck

Jack

[chips]

maybe there are some cultural misunderstandings that need to be discussed to understand where each of you is coming from.

 

The other thing is that he could be under great deal of stress being seperated from his children and living in a completely new culture which he has not adjusted to yet.

 

Why not suggest that you both sit down and take turns really listening to each other without interruptions. Ask him to tell you exactly how he feels, what does he expect from you as a wife and then you tell him exactly what you want and how he makes you feel, if you both love each other once you talk it becomes easier to understand where each of you is coming from and see how you can each contribute to a better relationship.

 

Good Luck

[Azeele]

Kick him out!! I think using cultural differences as an excuse is just that - an excuse. He is treating you horribly!! Kick him out!

[jande34808]

Originally posted by chips

maybe there are some cultural misunderstandings that need to be discussed to understand where each of you is coming from.

 

The other thing is that he could be under great deal of stress being seperated from his children and living in a completely new culture which he has not adjusted to yet.

 

Why not suggest that you both sit down and take turns really listening to each other without interruptions. Ask him to tell you exactly how he feels, what does he expect from you as a wife and then you tell him exactly what you want and how he makes you feel, if you both love each other once you talk it becomes easier to understand where each of you is coming from and see how you can each contribute to a better relationship.

 

Good Luck

We have talked and talked and we realize that there are misunderstandings due to language.But that is not the entire problem. Everything must be done his way. If I go to him with a problem,he tells me to do what I want.If I try to discuss anything , I get the answer,"You are discussing for nothing".If I still try to talk to him he goes into rages.He will destroy things of mine that I have had for years.He screams at me to "shut up,shut up".If I don't have time to do something for him, he will tell me "then I will find someone else to do it for me,usually meaning another woman.He can sit and talk to other people about anything for hours (men and women) with his entire attention on them.Everyone out in the world thinks he is wonderful but they do not know the times he has walked out on me while I am crying and he is telling me, "you can cry until blood comes out of your eyes". He is just mean to me,very mean.

[Azeele]

Originally posted by jande34808

We have talked and talked and we realize that there are misunderstandings due to language.But that is not the entire problem. Everything must be done his way. If I go to him with a problem,he tells me to do what I want.If I try to discuss anything , I get the answer,"You are discussing for nothing".If I still try to talk to him he goes into rages.He will destroy things of mine that I have had for years.He screams at me to "shut up,shut up".If I don't have time to do something for him, he will tell me "then I will find someone else to do it for me,usually meaning another woman.He can sit and talk to other people about anything for hours (men and women) with his entire attention on them.Everyone out in the world thinks he is wonderful but they do not know the times he has walked out on me while I am crying and he is telling me, "you can cry until blood comes out of your eyes". He is just mean to me,very mean.

 

 

What you have just described sounds a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. Here is a link with a ton of information about NPD. It might be worth looking into:

 

http://samvak.tripod.com/

[Jacksin]

My opinion hasnt changed, except I would clean out the bank account, THEN kick him out!

The treatment some women take from their husbands really make me wonder if they like getting belittled!

Jack

[Azeele]

Originally posted by jande34808

I am married for 2 yrs.My husband iwas very affectionate in between his yelling at me.Now he yells,calls me names,leaves for a day or two,states this is all my fault.I yell back at him when he is degrading me.I am a good woman who works,takes care of the house,goes to church,am home when I am supposed to be,pay the bills, love to make love. ...He never tells me he loves me. I tell him all the time that I love him,sometimes he answers and he can hardly get it out of his mouth.His interests are with other people who can get him where he is going. In other words,he latches on to other people if they can do something for him.He does not communicate with me until he has discussed it with other people.I am not number one in his life.Other people are.All I want is some communication and affection which I am not getting.

 

 

"We have talked and talked and we realize that there are misunderstandings due to language.But that is not the entire problem. Everything must be done his way. If I go to him with a problem,he tells me to do what I want.If I try to discuss anything , I get the answer,"You are discussing for nothing".If I still try to talk to him he goes into rages.He will destroy things of mine that I have had for years.He screams at me to "shut up,shut up".If I don't have time to do something for him, he will tell me "then I will find someone else to do it for me,usually meaning another woman.He can sit and talk to other people about anything for hours (men and women) with his entire attention on them.Everyone out in the world thinks he is wonderful but they do not know the times he has walked out on me while I am crying and he is telling me, "you can cry until blood comes out of your eyes". He is just mean to me,very mean."

 

These things you said sound so much like some of the characteristics of narcissism.

 

Here are the symptoms of NPD (from the American Psychological Association):

 

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

· Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

· Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

· Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

· Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply);

· Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations;

· Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

· Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others;

· Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her;

· Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.

[jande34808]

Originally posted by Azeele

"We have talked and talked and we realize that there are misunderstandings due to language.But that is not the entire problem. Everything must be done his way. If I go to him with a problem,he tells me to do what I want.If I try to discuss anything , I get the answer,"You are discussing for nothing".If I still try to talk to him he goes into rages.He will destroy things of mine that I have had for years.He screams at me to "shut up,shut up".If I don't have time to do something for him, he will tell me "then I will find someone else to do it for me,usually meaning another woman.He can sit and talk to other people about anything for hours (men and women) with his entire attention on them.Everyone out in the world thinks he is wonderful but they do not know the times he has walked out on me while I am crying and he is telling me, "you can cry until blood comes out of your eyes". He is just mean to me,very mean."

 

These things you said sound so much like some of the characteristics of narcissism.

 

Here are the symptoms of NPD (from the American Psychological Association):

 

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

· Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

· Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

· Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

· Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply);

· Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations;

· Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

· Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others;

· Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her;

· Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.

[Azeele]

Jande,

 

Why'd you repost what I said? What do you think? Did you read the description of NPD? Does that describe your husband?

[jande34808]

Originally posted by Azeele

Jande,

 

Why'd you repost what I said? What do you think? Did you read the description of NPD? Does that describe your husband?

Sorry for reposting.I was answering you and lost my reply and hits ubmit

 

 

I believe you rare right.

Maybe this is why he cannot discuss the simplest thing.

Or maybe this is why he hates my grown son,because my son can see right him.

Or maybe this is why he goes into hateful rages,not just ordinary anger at perceived slights that normal people would not think anything of.

His rages are only directed at me.His wife.

[jande34808]

Originally posted by jande34808

Sorry for reposting.I was answering you and lost my reply and hit submit.

 

 

I believe you are right.

Maybe this is why he cannot discuss the simplest thing.

Or maybe this is why he hates my grown son,because my son can see right thru him.

Or maybe this is why he goes into hateful rages,not just ordinary anger at perceived slights that normal people would not think anything of.

His rages are only directed at me.His wife.

His friends adore him. I tried to adore him but it does not work.He is still emotionally not there.

Maybe this is why I do not come first in his life.

He is more interested in talking on the telephone than to me. And I mean constantly.I do not get that much conversation in a week.

Maybe this is why he told me at the beginning of our marraige to never come between him and his friends.

Or maybe this is why he goes into rages for no reason so he can leave and I have to ask him to come home.

Or maybe this is why he acts like he does not want to be with me.He spends his days off visiting his friends.If I say anthing he tells me"I spent my last day off with you ,didn't I".

He has said that his grown kids come first.His only goal now according to him is to get his kids to the USA.

When we married, kids were not part of the bargain.The kids were in college and they would be on their own. Now they are coming to live in my home and I am supposed to be their "mother".

And I have tried to make this his home. I have never said to him that this is my home. It is our home(22yrs). But he throws it in my face that this is " your house."

He says he is not homeless.He has plenty of friends to stay with.

He is what we would call in the United States a pest to his friends.He is always calling with some kind of request of something that he needs or wants done for him.

I have asked that the telephone conversations be spoken in english , I am ignored and he continues to use his native language.

This is only part of the story.I know I am headed for divorce because I refuse to live without love in my life. I believe I was used for immigration papers although he denies it vehemently.

Thanks,Joy

[Naive]

I know it sounds harsh but sometimes you have to let go of what's hurting you even if you love him. Like you said you cannot be the only one in love.