Is my ex gf trying to come back?

[crazyoflove]

Hi. I would use some advice on situation I am currently in. We've been together for 8 months and engaged before she broke with me over some fight. For two weeks I tried to change her mind but she acted as if she wanted me to chase her. I eventually gave up and went no contact. This lasted for two weeks (with one attempt to talk to her). Then she contacted me. First few days it was small talk and then she said that she wants to meet me for coffee. At first I rejected because she said that it has no particular reason but then next day I said that I am willing to meet if she wishes to talk about us. I also said on that occasion that if she does not want it I think it is best for us both to move on and disappear from each others’ lives.

 

 

She then said that she feels as if part of her is missing, dreams of me every night etc and agreed to meet over next days (she is ill at the moment). She also said that I was right when I was saying that it is wrong for us to break relationship (she was the one to insist on it).

 

 

 

Over past few days we are pretty much in communication on daily basis. At first through text, then she called me for first time since break up and also through mail. She always initiates contact. I try just to act cool, make jokes, and mention few of our good memories here and there. However, she sends me kisses during conversation, mentions our good memories and flirts with me. Two nights ago a message came out of blue that she loves me. Then last night there is again message saying that she hopes I will leave doors of my dreams open so she can sneak in paradise. Almost as if she is warming up.

 

 

 

I love her and want to get back together. It is just that I am not sure whether this is some kind of game and am confused what to do next. If I make step forward I am afraid she will take control and I might look needy. But then again, she said that she wanted to mention topic of „us“ sooner but was afraid because of me acting cold and distant . She is a bit uncertain and cautious so I do not want to scare her off. Any advice on how to proceed would be welcome.

[tallydoo]

Keep doing what you're doing--being aloof and above all confident. She broke up with you and it's now her job to rebuild the relationship. You just need to go along with it and stay in control of the situation.

 

Good luck! It sounds like it might be heading in the right direction Just don't push it.

[crazyoflove]

Well, last night we had long conversation. There was lot of flirting from her side, compliments and saying she loves me. Eventually, she asked me whether I want to meet her tonight again so I accepted. She said also that she feels bit scared of talking to me after everything she did so I decided I will let her do most of talking and we'll see how it goes.

[HumptyDumpty]

I'd say, go with the flow!

Keep seeing her and talking! I guess she might have doubts if you're feeling the same! So, as already said, don't push it, keep things light, don't mention the break-up just yet!

You have to rebuild a friendship and a relationship since the broken one has no solid ground, so start "new"! The talking can come later, when things are more solid and when things have cooled off!

[crazyoflove]

We met two nights ago and minute she stepped in my car she kissed me. While we were driving she held my hand and hugged me. She wanted to go somewhere private so we can talk. When we got there she continued kissing me. Eventually, she started talking. Her story was mostly about things after break up, i.e. my no contact and how she was shocked with me acting cold and distant. It is a bit unfair as my behaviour was nothing compared to how she behaved towards me after break up. I did not say this, however. I said some things that bothered me. Her reply was that she understands it and that I had every right not to call her after break up.

I expected that she will start talking about us as that is why she wanted to meet at first place. However, every time we got closer to that topic she would go silent. My story was basically that I am willing to give us another try but I need her also to be in this with me if relationship is to work. At one point she asked what would it be like if each of us goes own way. I said that in this case I would accept her decision and take some time alone to think about my life and what to do next about myself. She then asked would that mean also being with someone else. My reply was that I don’t know what future brings but if eventually meet someone who will care about me and love me I could be with that person. This shocked her and she stepped back from me.

Afterwards, she said that she loves me, then she would ask can I really be with somebody else and would that make me happy. I said to her that at the moment she is only one I want and that I really want us to work but that I need to know what she wants from me. Also, I said that I can’t have my life on hold forever. As we approached her house I asked why did she want us to meet if she did not want us to try again. Her reply was “well you heard that I love you and that should be enough for you”. Almost as if she wanted me to stay on hold. This really hurt me. Why would she say such thing and not want to be with me?

Since then it has been two days of no contact. She did not call me. As I said to her what I want from this relationship I feel that she should let me know what is it that she wants and call me. I feel that this time it is really over and that we have reached a point of no return. I gave to this girl more than to anyone in my life and really saw us together in the future. Why would she want us to meet and see if we can continue together but then stay silent about it? It’s just so hard and I feel down at the moment. Have I ruined my chances?

[lil hoodlum]

I don't know if you've ruined your chance or not.

 

You probably should have not let her become physical with you. Only your girlfriend gets to have those benefits. She is not your girlfriend.

 

You probably should have not played your cards by telling her what it is that you are wanting. I think she allready knew what you are wanting but got unsure becuase of your no contact.

 

I would also probably avoid talking to her on the phone for long periods of time. Maybe keep it at 5 minutes or less.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants than that doesn't sound very hopeful for you. I would just keep up no initiated contact with her. Don't give her any more information about what you are wanting. You have allready done that several times. It is her turn to tell you what she is wanting. Then it will be your turn do dicide if that is something you are interested in or not.

 

Hang in there. She may be feeling unsure about things just like you.

[crazyoflove]

I did ask her directly does she know what she wants in life. She paused and said that she pretty much does. I than asked with smile (not pressing) would she share it with me. Her reply was 'which part of my life you are interested in?' She often gives indirect answers like this and I feel as if I am being played with.

[crazyoflove]

Over past week I finally told her that I wish to know where we stand. Her story is that she wants to push me away from her because she is affraid that she might hurt me again. At one point she asked 'what would happen if we got togethet and then in few months time one of us (her) decides to break again'. During this conversation I stated that I am willing to try if she wants to be inside for real but if we cant work out problems I think it is best for us to go our own way. I could tell that she is not happy about idea of definite break up.

 

She then talked about things that bothered her and I explained how these can be easily solved. At this point she said 'every time I think of ending this you find a way to convince me otherwise'. The talk then went casual, she said that she loves me, she is mine, I am her love etc but we ended conversation without agreement whether we are together or not. I offered to meet next day or day after to continue conversation.

 

Next day she just texted me late in the evening wishing me sweet dreams. Day after she texted again asking for how long I am in town and when I will be coming back (she knows I am leaving on trip one of these days). I said that I do not have definite arrangements but probably will be in town by Wednesday. There was some small talk from her side and we ended conversation with her saying that she will call me later that day.

 

It has been three days of silence since then. As much as I want her back I really had enough of this on/off game which I find childish for people in their 30s. However, we were engaged and I feel that this is not something to throw away over night so I do want her back. Particularly as I noticed on our last meeting that she still wears our engagement ring.

 

I am so confused and dont know what to do next. Why would she ask me when I leave town and said she will call me back and then go in three days of silence? Am I right not initiating contact or should I reach to her once again? Would it be better to ignore few of her messages in case she tries to communicate (which I am not sure she will) and wait for her to state that she wants to get back together?

[BooBoo1982]

Over past week I finally told her that I wish to know where we stand. Her story is that she wants to push me away from her because she is affraid that she might hurt me again. At one point she asked 'what would happen if we got togethet and then in few months time one of us (her) decides to break again'. During this conversation I stated that I am willing to try if she wants to be inside for real but if we cant work out problems I think it is best for us to go our own way. I could tell that she is not happy about idea of definite break up.

 

She then talked about things that bothered her and I explained how these can be easily solved. At this point she said 'every time I think of ending this you find a way to convince me otherwise'. The talk then went casual, she said that she loves me, she is mine, I am her love etc but we ended conversation without agreement whether we are together or not. I offered to meet next day or day after to continue conversation.

 

Next day she just texted me late in the evening wishing me sweet dreams. Day after she texted again asking for how long I am in town and when I will be coming back (she knows I am leaving on trip one of these days). I said that I do not have definite arrangements but probably will be in town by Wednesday. There was some small talk from her side and we ended conversation with her saying that she will call me later that day.

 

It has been three days of silence since then. As much as I want her back I really had enough of this on/off game which I find childish for people in their 30s. However, we were engaged and I feel that this is not something to throw away over night so I do want her back. Particularly as I noticed on our last meeting that she still wears our engagement ring.

 

I am so confused and dont know what to do next. Why would she ask me when I leave town and said she will call me back and then go in three days of silence? Am I right not initiating contact or should I reach to her once again? Would it be better to ignore few of her messages in case she tries to communicate (which I am not sure she will) and wait for her to state that she wants to get back together?

 

How old are you both?

[crazyoflove]

We're in mid 30s. This is why I find this type of behaviour somewhat childish. It was interesting for me when I was 17 or 18 but not at this age.

[TaraMaiden]

This is what I would do:

(But it's only what I would do - you can decide whether it's a viable option or not....)

 

Ask to meet her for a coffee. (Choose the time during a quiet period...)

Arrive before her, and choose a relatively secluded table.

when she arrives, get the preliminaries over and done with, then, tell her that you've asked here here, because 'we need to sort this out, one way or the other, once and for all:'

 

now - ask her to take her engagement ring off, and to put it in the middle of the table.

 

Tell her the following (Pick the ring up):

An engagement ring is a promisory token of marriage - it's an agreement and a sign of co-operation.

If you two are to get married - because that's what the ring, represents - then two things have to happen.

One - she has to decide whether she wants to definitely commit to this relationship. Here, and now.

Two - she has to agree to a notable session of pre-marriage counselling - because if you two are to be engaged, then it means marriage. and if it means marriage, it means you have to go in with the assurance that this has more than a chance of working, and if this has to have a chance of working, you both have to be on the same page, and working together.

 

So which is it to be, "Do you get this back, or do I get to take it away with me, and we call this quits and over?"

 

If she protests she needs time to think, tell her she's had time, she's had all the time since you broke up before, and now, you yourself are not prepared to play these mind-games any more.

you're both in your 30's (tell her) not some young teen star-struck individuals. So, I'm sorry, but enough is enough - it's time to either put up - or shut up."

 

Then - shut up. (that's the Closing Question in sales-speak, and is the clincher, because whoever breaks the silence, loses the deal.....)

 

Let her be the next one to speak.

 

And as the ring is yours - be prepared for the answer, because she actually has no legal right to that ring at all - if she has no intention of committing to marriage.

 

....Is how I would do it.....

[crazyoflove]

This is what I would do:

(But it's only what I would do - you can decide whether it's a viable option or not....)

 

Ask to meet her for a coffee. (Choose the time during a quiet period...)

Arrive before her, and choose a relatively secluded table.

when she arrives, get the preliminaries over and done with, then, tell her that you've asked here here, because 'we need to sort this out, one way or the other, once and for all:'

 

now - ask her to take her engagement ring off, and to put it in the middle of the table.

 

Tell her the following (Pick the ring up):

An engagement ring is a promisory token of marriage - it's an agreement and a sign of co-operation.

If you two are to get married - because that's what the ring, represents - then two things have to happen.

One - she has to decide whether she wants to definitely commit to this relationship. Here, and now.

Two - she has to agree to a notable session of pre-marriage counselling - because if you two are to be engaged, then it means marriage. and if it means marriage, it means you have to go in with the assurance that this has more than a chance of working, and if this has to have a chance of working, you both have to be on the same page, and working together.

 

So which is it to be, "Do you get this back, or do I get to take it away with me, and we call this quits and over?"

 

If she protests she needs time to think, tell her she's had time, she's had all the time since you broke up before, and now, you yourself are not prepared to play these mind-games any more.

you're both in your 30's (tell her) not some young teen star-struck individuals. So, I'm sorry, but enough is enough - it's time to either put up - or shut up."

 

Then - shut up. (that's the Closing Question in sales-speak, and is the clincher, because whoever breaks the silence, loses the deal.....)

 

Let her be the next one to speak.

 

And as the ring is yours - be prepared for the answer, because she actually has no legal right to that ring at all - if she has no intention of committing to marriage.

 

....Is how I would do it.....

 

I am not sure that this would work. I tried few times this tactic of forcing her to make up her mind but every time I pushed she would back away. Knowing her I feel that only thing that could actually make her stop playing games and seriously think about us would be to make her realise that I am serious about leaving it once for all. Just, I dont know how to do it and any advice would be appreciated.

 

Btw, after three days of silence she just texts me. It says just "do you have a moment?" I am not sure whether to reply as I do not want to get dissapointed. She usually uses this opening line after days of silence.

[TaraMaiden]

"He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg."

 

I think, if you want resolution - one way or another - you're going to have to take the decisive step - and go with whichever way the cards fall.

You two can't keep pussy-footing around the issue.

what you don't seem to get is that you need to take a final step.

Or this is just going to go on and on.

Leaving it to her, means this will just go on and on....

so you have to take the bull by the horns.

any other way, leaves it to her, and you can already see how that's working.

[crazyoflove]

We just had an hour long conversation which she initiated. I would not reply to her but she said that she wants to talk about us. Basically, she says that she wants me to move on and live my life fully as she feels horrible for me waiting while she is confused. Then she continued saying that I am in her mind all the time and all usual stuff but thinks that I should move on and life my life. However, she keeps emphasising "for the moment" as if she is leaving hope for her return in the future. This seems to me as a game so I said that this is not working for me and that we can either be together or leave it in the past once and for all. She does not want to say goodbye forever but keeps repeating that I am better off without her and that I should move on rather than spend my life in waiting. I did not try too hard to talk her out of it. I just said that people who love each other should fight for their love. I guess this is really the end. I feel so empty and without strength or will to try and reach her one more time.

[TaraMaiden]

You know those toys you hang up, in the corner of the room, attached to a spring, and you pull down on them and they go up and down, *boing.... boing.... boing....*

 

I figure she's treating you like that.

She goes off and does her own sweet little thing, but wants you hanging around, in the corner, so that every now and then she can give you a swift pull and off you'll go....

 

You have to stand your ground, hun, or she will forever do that.

 

And - sorry about this but - get your ring back.

That, more than anything will definitely tell her she can't keep messing with you that way.

[crazyoflove]

Well I did something similar to what you suggested. I said that I can't continue on like this anymore and want us both to go our own way. I also said that I feel all the promises we made to each other (I meant engagement) should stay in the past. I ended saying that this is my last message to her and that I will not bother her anymore. Don't know whether she will contact me again or not or whether this will have any effect on her.

 

I tried everything else and it did not work. Maybe this will. In our past we had two breaks (which lasted for few days). Each time she would come to her senses only after I completely backed away and started to ignore her to the point that she thought she lost me. Any attempt to persuade her or force her to change her mind would always result in her moving even further and playing hot and cold like now. Anyway, I feel tired from all of this and feel that it is really time for me to move on with or without her.

[TaraMaiden]

One: - Go No Contact (read the link in my signature) and this time - STICK TO IT - 100%, 100% OF THE TIME.

 

Two: - GET - YOUR - RING - BACK!!

[crazyoflove]

One: - Go No Contact (read the link in my signature) and this time - STICK TO IT - 100%, 100% OF THE TIME.

 

Two: - GET - YOUR - RING - BACK!!

 

I am going no contact this time and will also ignore her attempts to contact me (even though I doubt she will).

[GLDheart]

The problem is simple. You are to passive. This is evident in the way you avoid getting your ring back. Your only action is a passive one... you go no contact and wait for her to do something you want.

 

Women don't want a passive guy. I would face this head on. Tell her "I have made my choice and it is NOT YOU. I want my ring back. You have one chance to hand it over and keep my respect. If you refuse to give it to me, SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER AND THROW IT AWAY. Your time is up. I'm done with this."

 

Have some respect for yourself.

[AlexfromBoston]

Crazy, this is probably the best response to your scenario. You need to be tough and let her know that you want the ring back as it once served as a tangible representation of our love....a love which she chose to shatter. So in that respect, maybe you should just tell her to smash the ring as she smashed your heart.

[crazyoflove]

The problem is simple. You are to passive. This is evident in the way you avoid getting your ring back. Your only action is a passive one... you go no contact and wait for her to do something you want.

 

Women don't want a passive guy. I would face this head on. Tell her "I have made my choice and it is NOT YOU. I want my ring back. You have one chance to hand it over and keep my respect. If you refuse to give it to me, SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER AND THROW IT AWAY. Your time is up. I'm done with this."

 

Have some respect for yourself.

 

I somehow feel that it would make me inconsistent if I contact her now and say I want ring back after I told her that I am not contacting her anymore. I also said that I want her to make up her mind whether she wants to be with me or not. When she started once again with "I think of you all the time but feel it is better we go our own way" story I said that for me our story is finished and I want everything to remain in past. Isn't that telling very clear that I am done with her indecisiveness?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, that's the emotional side dealt with.

but you have every right on a practical and financial level, to request she give your ring back, as - and i mentioned this before - it isn't hers to keep.

send her a polite note asking her 'please to get a mutual friend to deliver the ring to you by such-and-such a date.

 

Many thanks.'

 

If she doesn't - follow through with a letter from a solicitor/lawyer.

 

this is your legal right.

Please don't lose out on this every which way.....

[crazyoflove]

Yes, that's the emotional side dealt with.

but you have every right on a practical and financial level, to request she give your ring back, as - and i mentioned this before - it isn't hers to keep.

send her a polite note asking her 'please to get a mutual friend to deliver the ring to you by such-and-such a date.

 

Many thanks.'

 

If she doesn't - follow through with a letter from a solicitor/lawyer.

 

this is your legal right.

Please don't lose out on this every which way.....

 

I dont really care about financial side of that ring. The only reason I would ask to have it back would be to show her I am done with her. But as I said, I think I made that point pretty clear.

[crazyoflove]

The problem is simple. You are to passive. This is evident in the way you avoid getting your ring back. Your only action is a passive one... you go no contact and wait for her to do something .

 

I dont think my actions are passive. I did try for coupleof weeks to work things out. In the end, it seemed as if I am giving her more and more power to play childish hot-and-cold games with me. As I felt that this is leading nowhere and hurting me I backed off. Also, in the past two breaks the only way to get some reaction from her and make her open towards reconciliation was to say I am done with her, go NC and then be cold when she tries to contact me. But all of this doesnt really matter anymore. Like I said, I highly doubt that after everything she will try to contact me and I will definitely not be the one to contact her.

[TaraMaiden]

I dont really care about financial side of that ring. The only reason I would ask to have it back would be to show her I am done with her. But as I said, I think I made that point pretty clear.

 

Why not then, show her you are done with her - and get the ring back?

You have nothing to lose - and everything to gain.

.... Unless, of course, you really don't want to show her you ARE done with her.....

 

It remains to be seen whether she takes the point clearly or not.

And if she decides that yet again, you weren't serious, and she can talk to you any time she wants - THAT would be a good time to get it back...

For sure, for sure....

 

Good luck!