I want to keep track of MM

[Leelou]

I've been seeing MM for 4+ years and see certain patterns of emotional distancing and then coming back.

I've wondered if he's been seeing his ex-OW or has a new OW at times, or whether he just has a need to distance.

 

Due to my kids being home from college for the summer, MM and I have cut down a lot on getting together but I still wonder if he's seeing someone else. When I ask him, he withdraws further (I see less of him) even though he denies having anyone else.

Lately, we still go out on dates a couple of times a week, but don't get sexual as much.

 

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

I bought a GPS tracking system and want to put it on his car soon. I have the distinct feeling he goes out without me and I want to know if he's seeing someone else, or just going to a bar on his own, or with guys. This system will give me some information.

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'. Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

[Summer Breeze]

I've been seeing MM for 4+ years and see certain patterns of emotional distancing and then coming back.

I've wondered if he's been seeing his ex-OW or has a new OW at times, or whether he just has a need to distance.

 

Due to my kids being home from college for the summer, MM and I have cut down a lot on getting together but I still wonder if he's seeing someone else. When I ask him, he withdraws further (I see less of him) even though he denies having anyone else.

Lately, we still go out on dates a couple of times a week, but don't get sexual as much.

 

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

I bought a GPS tracking system and want to put it on his car soon. I have the distinct feeling he goes out without me and I want to know if he's seeing someone else, or just going to a bar on his own, or with guys. This system will give me some information.

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'. Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

 

Sorry LeeLou but I wouldn't play warden to my xH so I'd be damned if I'd do it to an MM. I'd say the same thing to you that I'd say if you were a W and wondering about your H. Trust your gut.

[scatterd]

I wonder why you want to be with this guy. if he cheats on his wife and can cheat on you also what does he have that makes you want him? Is he ever home or is he with the guys at the bar? Usally OW know that they are either their working or with the wife. I dont mean this rude but he sounds like a three timer double cheater.

[mercy]

I've been seeing MM for 4+ years and see certain patterns of emotional distancing and then coming back.

I've wondered if he's been seeing his ex-OW or has a new OW at times, or whether he just has a need to distance.

 

Due to my kids being home from college for the summer, MM and I have cut down a lot on getting together but I still wonder if he's seeing someone else. When I ask him, he withdraws further (I see less of him) even though he denies having anyone else.

Lately, we still go out on dates a couple of times a week, but don't get sexual as much.

 

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

I bought a GPS tracking system and want to put it on his car soon. I have the distinct feeling he goes out without me and I want to know if he's seeing someone else, or just going to a bar on his own, or with guys. This system will give me some information.

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'. Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

 

May I ask what may be a silly question?

 

What if his wife finds it?

 

I mean do you really not think he's capable of cheating?

[norajane]

If you need to do all that to find out if this man who is cheating on his wife is also cheating with another OW, it sounds like too much effort and not the least bit rewarding or worthwhile.

 

But if you insist, put a voice activated recorder in his car - velcro it to the bottom of the driver's seat. Cheaters always talk to their OW in the car. He calls you when he's driving, right?

[Leelou]

May I ask what may be a silly question?

 

What if his wife finds it?

 

I mean do you really not think he's capable of cheating?

Do you mean what if his wife finds the GPS unit?

It's okay if she does, she will not know what it is, and there is NO way anyone but me can read the data on this system. It is spyware, I have to log online to access the tracking information.

 

Sure, I do think he's capable of cheating. On his wife and on me. I just want to KNOW. For sure. Not likely to hear the truth from him, so I thought I'd check for myself.

 

Also, another poster pointed out most OW know their MM are either working, with their wife, or with her (OW herself). Yes, I do 'know' when he's at work, but recently, due to family being at home with me, I am less in touch with him than usual. He is just acting differently and I want answers, not guesses.

 

I get what the other two posters say about 'not being a warden' but look where that same attitude got me - I never have checked up on MM before. I think it's necessary now, if I am ready to face the truth, to find out the reality of what he's up to.

 

Who likes not knowing?

[norajane]

Sure, I do think he's capable of cheating. On his wife and on me. I just want to KNOW. For sure. Not likely to hear the truth from him, so I thought I'd check for myself.

 

So you already know that you can't trust him, and that he would lie to you, and that he is capable of cheating on you. Isn't that enough to not want to be with a man like that? Don't you believe you should have better than that in your life?

 

Whether he is or isn't cheating on you at this particular moment doesn't change the fact that he could and would cheat on you at any moment. Now or later, now or in the past, this will always be an issue for you. You will always wonder. Is that how you want to live?

[beenburned]

Leelou,

 

You stated you have been in an affair with MM for 4+ years.

 

Why do you feel you should know the truth of your situation, when you and him have kept the wife in the dark about the truth of her life for 4 years?

 

It is O.K. for him to play the wife for a fool but not you?

[Leelou]

This is the OP's second MM (possibly more??) based on her previous posts, so she's making these choices.

 

The OP claims that MM lie to their wives, but not to their OW. She believes MM lie to their OW if they have an other OW.

It's not a second MM, it's the same MM; we broke up twice before in the past.

 

I know MM is capable of lying to me. He has lied to me in the past. I can't rely on him to TELL me, so I thought I'd check for myself.

[Leelou]

Leelou,

 

You stated you have been in an affair with MM for 4+ years.

 

Why do you feel you should know the truth of your situation, when you and him have kept the wife in the dark about the truth of her life for 4 years?

 

It is O.K. for him to play the wife for a fool but not you?

Are you suggesting I tell his wife?

[norajane]

I know MM is capable of lying to me. He has lied to me in the past. I can't rely on him to TELL me, so I thought I'd check for myself.

 

Well, that's just sad. What a horrible way to live your life, never knowing when he's going to lie to you again or cheat on you.

[whichwayisup]

I've been seeing MM for 4+ years and see certain patterns of emotional distancing and then coming back.

I've wondered if he's been seeing his ex-OW or has a new OW at times, or whether he just has a need to distance.

 

Due to my kids being home from college for the summer, MM and I have cut down a lot on getting together but I still wonder if he's seeing someone else. When I ask him, he withdraws further (I see less of him) even though he denies having anyone else.

Lately, we still go out on dates a couple of times a week, but don't get sexual as much.

 

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

I bought a GPS tracking system and want to put it on his car soon. I have the distinct feeling he goes out without me and I want to know if he's seeing someone else, or just going to a bar on his own, or with guys. This system will give me some information.

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'. Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

 

He isn't obligated to you. He is married and you two are having an affair.

 

I feel bad for you because this is what your life has resorted to..Wanting to spy on him. On a guy who is showing you in action that you aren't much to him.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it and walk away. And get some counselling too because you're wasting your life on this MM.

[Leelou]

You already know. You are helping him cheat on his wife. My question is why do you think you deserve more honesty than she is getting? Is there a particular reason that you feel knowing (i.e. having proof) will make you ready to face the reality of what you already know?

Knowing will help me end it with him, and begin living life authentically. It's the catalyst I need.

[Leelou]

 

I hope you find the strength to end it and walk away. And get some counselling too because you're wasting your life on this MM.

Perhaps I should end it first. And not bother spying on him?

[Leelou]

An OTHER OW is the catalyst? Not the fact that he's married?

True.

 

 

(ten characters required, too short a message)

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps I should end it first. And not bother spying on him?

 

That is a good idea. He is going to do what he's going to do. I mean if you found out he was seeing someone else, what are you going to do? Threaten him? End it? Tell his wife out of spite that he is seeing TWO women outside of his marriage?

[carhill]

OP, IMO, since you've bought the system and have the perspective that this is a valid course of action right now, play this out. What do you intend to do with the information you receive?

 

Since you're aware that he is married, cohabiting with his wife, and accept that, he's not cheating on you with her, as another poster suggested. Cheating involves deception and there is none with regard to his M. You're disclosed. However, the GPS unit *may* indicate that he is being deceptive in other regards.

 

Since you have college age children, you're have a lot of life experience under your belt and are fully aware of its realities. Make a decision and accept the consequences. That's my advice.

[freestyle]

Perhaps I should end it first. And not bother spying on him?

 

 

Well---that would free up a lot of your time and energy for something more important---yourSELF.

 

 

To use an analogy---at this point , the slot machine isn't paying off. Do you want to keep throwing good money after bad?

[Leelou]

I noticed you keeping "liking" some posts, including mine.

This begs the question: Are you looking to end it with MM?

 

Is an other OW a deal breaker for you?

 

What if his distance is related to re-connecting with his wife and not an OOW? Will that keep you in the affair?

 

I am 'liking' certain posts that resonate with me. I need to re-read those posts and think more.

 

Of course I am looking to end it with MM. That is not a permanent relationship.

 

It's not simply OW being 'the' deal breaker.

The lies and confusing distancing are. But if he has someone else, what would he need me for? It would make it easier for me to say goodbye to him and NOT allow him to come back.

 

His distance is not likely due to re-connecting with his wife right now, if anything she has distanced from him since two months ago, making me wonder if she has her own relationship going on. I wouldn't blame her.

 

They have had other relationships, both MM and his wife. They have split up for a year and a half, then got back together. She found someone else, but they got back together.

MM is a serial cheater. I don't know if she's seeing anyone now. But he's not moving closer to HER, so I am wondering if he's moving closer to his ex-OW or is with someone else.

[carhill]

But if he has someone else, what would he need me for?

 

He needs you to love him, IMO. We had a thread about this recently. Since you have opined he is a serial cheater, it follows that his psychology is one of loving to be loved and liking to be liked and his actions facilitate that.

 

My opinion is that, once the pieces of the puzzle fit together in a manner which speaks to you, the emotional connection which impelled purchase of a GPS unit will fade and clarity of this process will replace it. BTDT. It has to all line up right for *you*. Good luck.

[stillafool]

I've been seeing MM for 4+ years and see certain patterns of emotional distancing and then coming back.

I've wondered if he's been seeing his ex-OW or has a new OW at times, or whether he just has a need to distance.

 

Due to my kids being home from college for the summer, MM and I have cut down a lot on getting together but I still wonder if he's seeing someone else. When I ask him, he withdraws further (I see less of him) even though he denies having anyone else.

Lately, we still go out on dates a couple of times a week, but don't get sexual as much.

 

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

I bought a GPS tracking system and want to put it on his car soon. I have the distinct feeling he goes out without me and I want to know if he's seeing someone else, or just going to a bar on his own, or with guys. This system will give me some information.

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'. Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

 

Good grief you are acting like you are his wife! Saying that I wouldn't be surprised to find out he does have another woman. I would guess the reason for an affair would be to relieve some pressure. If the AP is acting like a spouse that would be a huge turn off and what would be the point of having someone on the side? Remember if he lied to his wife he will lie to you.

[nofool4u]

I want to check for myself whether he's seeing someone else on the side, or not.

 

He is seeing someone on the side, YOU, behind his wife's back.

 

 

I am tired of not knowing 'the truth'.

 

The truth is he is married and cheating, which makes him a liar by default.

 

The truth is, its rather silly for you to be in a relationship with someone elses husband, and then complain that you think he is stepping out on you.

 

 

Instead of hiring a PI to investigate for me, I ordered this GPS unit, and even ordered some disguises for myself, if I need to don some to see what MM is up to. I could, I guess, hire a rental car if I need to follow him into a bar to see who he is meeting up with.

 

I want to see what he is up to.

 

What do people on this board think?

 

That you need to see the hypocrisy of your actions/thoughts and simply break it off with him.

[darkmoon]

this man -

1) where does he eat his evening meals?

2) what does he do at weekends?

3) who is he with at Christmas?

4) how does he celebrate his birthday?

if he's genuinely sharing his life with you - even part-time as an affair - you should know of his comings and goings

Edited August 1, 2012 by darkmoon

[stillafool]

Of course I am looking to end it with MM. That is not a permanent

relationship.

 

Then forget all the other stuff, just make up your mind and do it.

 

 

The lies and confusing distancing are. But if he has someone else, what

would he need me for?

 

 

Because you love him, he doesn't want to close the door to extra sex and he could think you might go "bunny boiler" on him. Afterall you did purchase a device to track him. He may be afraid of what you might do to him if he breaks it off. I think the distancing is because something is going on in his marriage. Since you say his wife has fooled around on him, that might be it. Maybe she is out alot and he feels she has someone new. This would put his attention back on her comings and goings. He might say he doesn't care what she does but afterall she is his wife. Normally, cheaters can't take it when they are cheated on. It messes with their egos.

 

His distance is not likely due to re-connecting with his wife right now, if

anything she has distanced from him since two months ago, making me wonder if

she has her own relationship going on. I wouldn't blame her.

 

Oh yeah, I'd almost guarantee that is what she is doing.

 

They have had other relationships, both MM and his wife. They have split up for

a year and a half, then got back together. She found someone else, but they got

back together.

 

Why did he go back with her? That would have been the perfect time to break up with her and start a life with you.

 

MM is a serial cheater. I don't know if she's seeing anyone now. But he's not moving closer to HER, so I am wondering if he's moving closer to his ex-OW or is with someone else.

 

If not his wife more than likely someone new.

Edited August 1, 2012 by stillafool

[frozensprouts]

OP,

is living with this kind of suspicion the kind of life you want to have, or do you think you'd be happier without that kind of thing in your life?

 

It doesn't sound like you really all that happy...will getting the information from a GPS or whatever really change anything? Will it suddenly make you trust him, or will there still be that sense of doubt in your mind?

 

If so, and if you are maybe finding that the bad things are starting to outweigh the good, then do you think it may be time to walk away? I'm not saying that you wouldn do it because you don't love him anymore, but because maybe you do love him, but that love simply isn't enough, and he can't give you what you really need ( whatever that may be)...

 

( as for putting a tracking device in his vehicle...you may want to check into the legalities surrounding doing so...not sure about the law where you live, but here, a third party breaking the law if they do that, especially if the vehicle belongs to both of them jointly, and you don't have permission to do install such a device. Should his wife ( or he) find it, you may be facing some unpleasant consequences...do you really want to go that far? Is it worth it?)