Is my mother narcissistic or is it just me?

[Sugarkane]

I've been reading a bit about confronting the parents, but seems pointless. Just like mine they always deny everything and Blane it on you.

[freestyle]

I find that theres not enough info on this subject out there as I would like. Plus societies belief that only children can be abused. And societies belief that you should keep in contact no matter how toxic they are aswell. I find a lot of conflicting information.

 

 

As far a maintaining contact---it all depends on who you ask.

 

Those who admonish others to stay in contact, when abusive behavior is still happening, are typically those who grew up in relatively "normal" families.

 

They have NO IDEA how YEARS of verbal abuse erodes a person's soul.

 

They have NO IDEA of how terrifying it is to be hit by an out of control, raging parent, during the formative years.

 

They have NO IDEA how it feels to have their experience minimized/dismissed/invalidated, or downright disbelieved. That alone, can be just as painful as the initial abuse. They're told to stuff it down, and get over it--when they NEED to talk about what happened to them to process it.

 

They have NO IDEA how it feels to have a parent run an extended smear campaign against them, trying to make sure the child, or adult child has NO outside support.

 

 

Bottom line--I no longer listen to input from well-intentioned, but UNinformed people.

 

If a parent refuses to behave in a civil manner, and continues lashing out at their adult children, to the point where it becomes detrimental to the adult child's life---especially if it affects the adult child's ability to be a good parent themselves---or if it affects their career adversely--it's time to cut ties.

[Sugarkane]

Well they always do those thongs, especially The invalidating.

[Sugarkane]

They completely lie and when I catch them out on it I'm told to shut the f up and called a liar. Then I'm called selfish.

[RiverRunning]

Yeah...the choice to go no-contact, limited contact, or full-on contact is up to each person and their individual situation. I have cautioned others to go NC or LC if it seems that staying in regular contact is just eroding them. In that case, it's more along the lines of, "I get the impression you want to break ties with your parents, but you feel socially obligated to. So I will encourage you and let you know that you can make your own choices."

[dreamingoftigers]

Mine never bent or validated the abuse.

 

Actually they used to laugh directly at me. That really hurt.

 

Like it was really, really "funny" that they could abuse the crap out of ne and then completely deny it.

 

I don't bother confronting them like "hey, this is what you do and I'm sick of it."

 

In fact it's kind if funny how it goes.

 

"blahblah blah, we are going to do this and you are going to do this."

(assumed compliance)

 

(me, bluntly, casually, no angry tone (NEVER GO TO ANGRY TONE))

"actually, no we're not. It not going to happen."

 

(one threatening tone)

"oh, reaallly?"

 

(confirming tone)

"yes, really. But you can of you want to."

 

(here's the point where one of them usually snaps and I just say, "well if anything changes call me back.")

 

Otherwise it goes into manipulation territory if they really want something.

 

(them, angry)

"and why is that?"

 

(me, casual again)

"because that isn't going to work for me."

 

(now if there's anything stupid here like any minimizing like, "is it because dad said something you didn't like back in 2011?" which really means when Dad did something completely out of line like trying to take my kid.

 

I just say "yes"

 

If they say something like "well that's stupid, selfish, mean blah blah."

 

I just say "okay, well call me back when you think of a different option."

 

Sometimes they like to do something really funny like use a line that is actually FUNCTIONAL to say for a dysfunctional reason. They love to try to turn it around on me. It never works well because it is a FUNCTIONAL line it doesn't usually fit the context.

 

Like for instance my father starts victimizing saying "blah blah your this your that and everything else, you do this to me that to me blah blah blah"

(my favorite one I ever heard him say was actually to his staff telling them how I married my husband "just to spite him.":rolleyes:, that's how much the while world revolves around my Dad. I made a lifetime commitment to someone just to make my Dad moody the twice a year that I see him.)

 

Anyways once he gets through his "victim-speak" he'll mention "I'm just expressing my feelings! I feel that you are a bitch."

I honestly love to point out here (if I haven't left the conversation already) that there wasn't a single FEELING word there.

 

"you're a bitch" is not the feeling located between "sad" and "angry."

There isn't a "yourabitch" emoticon.

 

I simply don't accept abuse under the guise of "expressing one's feelings."

There are far more acceptable ways to do that.

[Dorie]

Mine never bent or validated the abuse.

 

Actually they used to laugh directly at me. That really hurt.

 

Like it was really, really "funny" that they could abuse the crap out of ne and then completely deny it.

 

I don't bother confronting them like "hey, this is what you do and I'm sick of it."

 

In fact it's kind if funny how it goes.

 

"blahblah blah, we are going to do this and you are going to do this."

(assumed compliance)

 

(me, bluntly, casually, no angry tone (NEVER GO TO ANGRY TONE))

"actually, no we're not. It not going to happen."

 

(one threatening tone)

"oh, reaallly?"

 

(confirming tone)

"yes, really. But you can of you want to."

 

(here's the point where one of them usually snaps and I just say, "well if anything changes call me back.")

 

Otherwise it goes into manipulation territory if they really want something.

 

(them, angry)

"and why is that?"

 

(me, casual again)

"because that isn't going to work for me."

 

(now if there's anything stupid here like any minimizing like, "is it because dad said something you didn't like back in 2011?" which really means when Dad did something completely out of line like trying to take my kid.

 

I just say "yes"

 

If they say something like "well that's stupid, selfish, mean blah blah."

 

I just say "okay, well call me back when you think of a different option."

 

Sometimes they like to do something really funny like use a line that is actually FUNCTIONAL to say for a dysfunctional reason. They love to try to turn it around on me. It never works well because it is a FUNCTIONAL line it doesn't usually fit the context.

 

Like for instance my father starts victimizing saying "blah blah your this your that and everything else, you do this to me that to me blah blah blah"

(my favorite one I ever heard him say was actually to his staff telling them how I married my husband "just to spite him.":rolleyes:, that's how much the while world revolves around my Dad. I made a lifetime commitment to someone just to make my Dad moody the twice a year that I see him.)

 

Anyways once he gets through his "victim-speak" he'll mention "I'm just expressing my feelings! I feel that you are a bitch."

I honestly love to point out here (if I haven't left the conversation already) that there wasn't a single FEELING word there.

 

"you're a bitch" is not the feeling located between "sad" and "angry."

There isn't a "yourabitch" emoticon.

 

I simply don't accept abuse under the guise of "expressing one's feelings."

There are far more acceptable ways to do that.

 

An excellent post. Thank you for this.