ehehef Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Has anyone else had a similar problem? My fiancee and parents have met a few times, we've gone out to dinner/coffee with them a few times, the two families have met three times ("obligatory" dinners to get to know each other) and everone is generally polite and gets along, though not in a "buddy-buddy" kind of way. Since then, and due to various "episodes" where I have conveyed my parents' complaints to my fiancee (mainly about her not showing enough interest in spending time with them) and my fiancee's complaints to my parents (mainly about them being overbearing and tiring and influencing me too much), both "sides" don't really want to see each other, and the more i try to make light of the situation and beg them to give things a chance, the more they see this as pressure from me and have absolutely NO desire to see each other. Which just makes me sad and angry, because this is NOT the situation I had imagined before getting engaged a few months ago. Sure, things can't be perfect with everyone, but family to me is important, and while my fiancee seems to agree, she is also the type of independent woman (she's been living on her own for a few years) who maintains very clear "boundaries" between parents and children. "Keep them INFORMED" she says, "but not INVOLVED in your life". I can't help but feel partially responsible because I have a tendency to talk too much to everyone and not "filter out" when someone is just venting their feelings instead of actually seeking change. And when someone complains I don't want to disappoint them and try to keep everyone happy, which can't always happen of course. It just seems that things have gotten out of hand and I don't know what to do to salvage the situation -- if it's at all possible. I'm trying to stomach the idea that I'm being forced to "choose" between my parents and my future wife, and that in the future things will not change. Has anyone else had issues with trying to balance the people you love? ehehef.
Debster Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Okay - this is the last time I will respond as I have responded to 3 other posts you have made about the same issue and you STILL have not taken my advice. Plain and simple. Your fiance doesn't want to marry a momma's/dadda's boy and I hate to break it to you but that is what you sound like to me. You have 3 options: 1) realize that you are unable to cut your parent's aprons strings and understand that you may find it very hard to find a woman willing to deal with it. 2) MOVE OUT and become independent from your parents. 3) Keep posting and whining about why your parents don't just keep their nose out of your business.
Author ehehef Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 Maybe your signature says it best: Ridiculousness encourages ridiculous responses. :-) But please also consider the following: 1. It's hard to ignore someone who has known me all my life (parents) telling me that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm normal, and that someone who has known me almost a year (fiancee) is exaggerating and calling me a "momma's boy" and --- worse yet --- might even be using the "you're influenced by your parents" line to dominate me! 2. It's also hard to ignore when someone close to you is unhappy --- and my parents definitely ARE, with the result being that they criciticise and "attack" my fiancee and don't understand why she would have a negative opinion of them. They wanted to gain a daughter-in-law, who they originally thought was a good and nice person (which she is) and that she got along with them (which she did) but for some strange unknown reasons they now feel like "lepers" and like we're not showing any signs of wanting to spend time with them. 3. Is it really so easy to see your parents unhappy in the short run and then have everyone find their peace and happiness in the long run? Change isn't always easy, but can't it be done calmly and with everyone comfortable with it? Maybe not (there I go answering my own question). 4. It's also hard to ignore when someone close to you (parents) accuse you of telling too much and that the fault in all this is not even the fiancee, but HOW I have conveyed information to my fiancee. Example: if a parent calls me just to say hi when I'm out with her, it's a different impression she gets if she hears me tell them off for checking up on me than if she hears me talk to them about where I am and what my plans are. I'll let you guess which of the two responses is how I usually react! :-)
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