When to tell about past? (Also good news!)

[Capris]

Hello everyone!

 

I went on a first date with someone new!(yay!)

So although its way too early to talk about this possible relationship, i was wondering.

 

When is it a good time to tell your bf about your past and the affair?

I cant imagine not telling it to be honest. Of course, im talking about a guy that may show some potential and things go more serious, not just any random guy.

 

Any tips on this?

 

Im afraid i'll scare him far far faaaaaaar away, but as i said, i cant imagine keeping that secret forever from any possible serious relationship.

 

Thanks!

 

ps was a fun first date and really really refreshing to NOT HIDE!!!!

[mercy]

Good for you!

 

I really do believe that you'll know when the time is right, it will just feel right.

 

Too much information in the beginning can scare a guy off.

[road]

3rd date. by then he has gotten to know you and you him.

 

if a deal breaker better to end it now then have him end it a year later when he finds out.

[frozensprouts]

why not allow yourself to relax and just enjoy your new dating life...have fun, be happy and should you meet someone and things get serious, you'll know in your heart when it's time to share that information.

 

If the guy loves you and knows you well, he'll see that you are so much more than that one relationship mistake.

[Silly_Girl]

My boyfriend and I had a second-date brief rundown of significant prior relationships, no more than a couple of sentences for each. I was totally honest.

 

Later conversations we shared more into, turns out our most recent relationships were similar in dynamic and in that they ended for logistical reasons when the feelings were still strong. Coincidence

 

I can't hide things of that magnitude and if a guy ruled me out due to his personal feeling on my relationship history then I might not like it but I'd respect it. He has to look out for him, I have to look out for me.

[MissBee]

I guess for me when I think of scary things to tell my new beau, I never think of the A as one. No one has ever reacted badly to it and I think my entire attitude is that it was something I did a while ago and learned from, so they don't have any reason to judge me harshly over it.But maybe it's because my exAP wasn't married...so perhaps people look on it less harshly than when you're involved with an actual married person.

 

In any case, how my relationships are conducted, we usually talk a lot. We at some point share things about our lives, that aren't all shining moments. The conversation has come up usually when both of us are discussing less than shining moments. That way it is a safer space and I don't feel like I'm confessing to some "perfect" person, but we're both imperfect and discussing our "warts and all". He may have skeletons in his closet too...so save that conversation for when you feel comfortable and I'd do it in a context where we're both sharing weaknesses, embarrassing stories etc.

 

My rule of thumb is that if I feel like I can't tell you something because it will make you not want to be with me...then you're not for me and all I'm doing is prolonging the inevitable by hiding truths to "keep you".

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't tell any new person you are dating about your past affair...

 

Why shoot yourself in the foot fer gawd sakes.. always..and I mean always put your best foot forward when dating and keep the skeletons for later.. for now enjoy yourself.

[Silly_Girl]

I guess for me when I think of scary things to tell my new beau, I never think of the A as one. No one has ever reacted badly to it and I think my entire attitude is that it was something I did a while ago and learned from, so they don't have any reason to judge me harshly over it.

 

I like this.

 

I have seen, in the past, some venom towards OW and ex-OW, asserting that they will have jeopardised their potential for future relationships by partaking in an affair, and that it would be a bad move on their part to be honest as most people would be disgusted.

[MissBee]

I like this.

 

I have seen, in the past, some venom towards OW and ex-OW, asserting that they will have jeopardised their potential for future relationships by partaking in an affair, and that it would be a bad move on their part to be honest as most people would be disgusted.

 

That's so absurd . Certainly most people don't think that was a great thing to have been a part of, but everyone has skeletons, for all you know the person you're seeing has WORSE skeletons. I don't approach anyone I'm dating as though they are a saint that I have to be worthy of. If you act like that and if you assume your "sins" are worse than theirs, then you will be filled with fear and shame and the need to hide the truth so this perfect person won't be disgusted and so you can trick them into being with you.

 

That's pretty twisted! You're already putting them on a pedestal and assuming that because of your A you are damaged goods and you should be thankful some "decent person" wants you. WTF? No! Growth is what matters. I care about what people say about their past and how they view it NOW. I don't expect them to simply erase it. We all have good and bad, some people's seem worse than others yes. But the point is that you grow and who you are today is someone that I resonate with.

 

A man is entitled to be disgusted and choose never to date me because years ago I participated in an A. That's fine. Clearly he and I won't be a good match...as the A happened. That's a fact I can't change and just because I don't tell him, doesn't mean it didn't happen.The person who is a good fit for you should be able to handle your skeletons....if they can't, keep it moving. Don't settle for being with someone whom you've put on a pedestal and feel lowlier than because of your past.

[Capris]

Thank you all for your replies!

The thought of the time coming to tell him, was a little scary.

I totally agree with MissBee though.

 

You're right on the spot! I too would like to tell him, i do not want to keep anymore secrets.

As you said, the A is a part of me and i have learned tons from it. It has made me the person i am right now, so if he doesnt accept it, he cant accept me.

 

Im not planning to tell him yet, i was just wondering that at some point, either with this guy or another, the time will come and i must be prepared.

 

Again, thank you so much for your replies!

 

Im keeping this in bold:

 

A man is entitled to be disgusted and choose never to date me because years ago I participated in an A. That's fine. Clearly he and I won't be a good match...as the A happened. That's a fact I can't change and just because I don't tell him, doesn't mean it didn't happen.The person who is a good fit for you should be able to handle your skeletons....if they can't, keep it moving. Don't settle for being with someone whom you've put on a pedestal and feel lowlier than because of your past.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm really happy for you! I hope you have many more dates and enjoy every second of them all!

 

As far as telling I'm with MissBee and never had a bad reaction to my involvement with MM. I've had a lot of questions and a few people make assumptions about what the R was like but never anything bad. I never sprung the subject on anyone. There's always a point when the new R is moving forward that a conversation about past loves comes up and that's when it's appropriate to bring up.

 

Good luck to you and keep us informed!