herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I think it's safe to say that one mustn't ASSUME why someone is calling. To quote: assumption is the mother of all f_ck ups. Do NOT assume they are calling because they care about you. It could be an ego stroke Or a booty-call Or you owe him (or her) money. Could be a thousand reasons. So ask. Why are you calling me after <X amount of time> Simple. Easy. Unambiguous. Or, what is most likely it that they are telling you the truth as to why they called. IMO, that is how most calls go. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 And just because its on my mind, its very sad how mean everyone is to some posters looking for support, not to be s h i t on. Do so many think there are no good people? That everyone is out for themself? Tough love is fine sometimes, but basically spewing, "he/she hates you, get over it, you're a bad person, no one loves you" is a terribly hurtful thing to do. I guess I'm a sensitive guy and a romantic and here is my sob story boo hoo. I wish that many of you didn't hate men (or women) so much and take everything at face value. BTW, the only person to use the word hate in either of the threads about this is you. Now me, but I used it to tell you that you are the only one who has used it from what I have read. Hate is a strong word to use or accuse someone of. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 On a daily basis. :confused:And................. So it's you calling and trying to sell me stuff bent? I though you did care about me. To keep on subject, I too call people I don't care about in the way the OP is suggesting. I care about people as a whole, but I call people I don't even know sometimes. Just picking up the phone and making a call does not mean anything in reality. It is sometimes a means to an end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Thank you for another perspective Stoneman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Picking up the phone and making a call isn't 'action' or 'change'. You're using actions speak louder than words in the wrong context. A MM can text his OW 100x a day, that doesn't mean he is in love with her, planning on leaving his wife and divorcing. That 'action' is self serving. Do you see the difference, depending on the situtation and context of what is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Why is it so hard to believe that a man can call a woman and be honest with her about why he called? His words and actions are the same. According to a new thread, this MM is getting a divorce, yet he has not called to tell his xOW about it. What do those actions with lack of words tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Why is it so hard to believe that a man can call a woman and be honest with her about why he called? His words and actions are the same. According to a new thread, this MM is getting a divorce, yet he has not called to tell his xOW about it. What do those actions with lack of words tell you? Exactly. He told her he was married and to leave him alone. No where in the conversation did he tell her he divorced a month ago. If he truly loved her and wanted to be with her, he would have been proud and happy to tell her that news but he didn't. He didn't say a word..Only thing he made perfectly clear to her was he wants to her to leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Exactly. He told her he was married and to leave him alone. No where in the conversation did he tell her he divorced a month ago. If he truly loved her and wanted to be with her, he would have been proud and happy to tell her that news but he didn't. He didn't say a word..Only thing he made perfectly clear to her was he wants to her to leave him alone. Since according to the OP, men are not complex, I can't see any other way to interpret those words and actions. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 (edited) This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Stoneman, the disconnect is that most women do not considering making a phone call to be a very significant action. As we have explained, men call us looking for a date, for sex, to pick up their dry-cleaning, to complain, and sometimes, just for the heck of it. I know you consider it such a huge deal to make a phone call, but when S is weighing that against her H and all the actions he makes every day, a phone call probably comes up short. Very, very short. Can't you see that? Now, you getting divorced and telling S that you divorced so you are free to be with her -- that would be a significant action. S may not be the least interested, but even if she wasn't interested, I think she would acknowledge that it was a significant action on your part. A phone call? No. When xMM called me, yes long-distance (whoopee), after TWO YEARS and he was still married to his W, I thought what is the point? There was zero point to him calling me and telling me he still loved me and missed me. I thought he was an idiot for continuing to be married and wasting all that "feeling" outside his M. There was zero point to his "feelings" and he was simply letting his one and only life slip by, living in his head like that. I thought that because I had already moved on, even if he hadn't. One day you will come to this realization too. Even though right now you are convinced you won't think like that. At least you will if you decide to embrace life and live it. Edited August 1, 2012 by woinlove 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Huh? I don't know what you're talking about but all I know is: Sitting at home[ with your wife] then picking up a phone and dialing some buttons, is no great feat and not what people mean by actions Making a phone call to some person to say "hey I care" doesn't win anyone any awards! People can call, text, email you and send you letters all the days of their life...a phone call is STILL just words...it's words, transferred audibly through an electronic device...between people not around each other...and in the case of an A it has even less significance if you're calling because you're not around and with your spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I wish women knew that if a man picks up his phone,dials your number, and calls you.... He has feelings for you!!! Not necessarily. Booty calls are very popular these days. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Huh? I don't know what you're talking about but all I know is: Sitting at home[ with your wife] then picking up a phone and dialing some buttons, is no great feat and not what people mean by actions Making a phone call to some person to say "hey I care" doesn't win anyone any awards! People can call, text, email you and send you letters all the days of their life...a phone call is STILL just words...it's words, transferred audibly through an electronic device...between people not around each other...and in the case of an A it has even less significance if you're calling because you're not around and with your spouse. I agree. One might as well argue that moving one's lips to voice words is action and isn't that action enough? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I agree. One might as well argue that moving one's lips to voice words is action and isn't that action enough? Ditto. Anything is technically an action...but that's clearly not what one means by actions. The bare minimum of actions doesn't count at all. Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I really don't appreciate anyone making blanket statements for my entire gender. And as a man, I have called women I didn't give two ****s about for booty calls. When I was young I was an ass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I really don't appreciate anyone making blanket statements for my entire gender. And as a man, I have called women I didn't give two ****s about for booty calls. When I was young I was an ass. But you cared about the booty..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 I really don't appreciate anyone making blanket statements for my entire gender. And as a man, I have called women I didn't give two ****s about for booty calls. When I was young I was an ass. Well I'm 36. I'm not calling for booty calls. I'm not referring to the 30 and under set...sure many guys call for booty calls though. I'm referring to mature adult men... Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Well I'm 36. I'm not calling for booty calls. I'm not referring to the 30 and under set...sure many guys call for booty calls though. I'm referring to mature adult men... You mean the mature adult men having affairs? :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Nevertheless, there was something you loved about these women. Nah. There was something I loved about myself! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
onthefence210 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Stoneman...these are all just life lessons. Please learn from the choices u made. You can't change the past but now u kno why affairs are just not a good idea. There are no winners but u can move forward and spend ur spare time in IC getting the answers about who u are and who u want to be. It doesn't matter how much love u feel, if u can't leave ur marriage let alone confess to ur wife...you'll always be stuck in what could have been if only she wasn't moving to Asia to work with her H. It's over, the only thing that will change anything is if she shows up with signed divorce papers and u have the courage to leave a marriage where ur culture may have harsh consequences. U need to think realistically. Ur feelings about why u called S, or why she called u back doesn't change the fact that it was just an A. Love can exist there, but it can't live on when it's over, no matter how many times u try resuscitate it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Well I'm 36. I'm not calling for booty calls. I'm not referring to the 30 and under set...sure many guys call for booty calls though. I'm referring to mature adult men... A mature man who cheated on his wife. A mature man who left/moved without saying goodbye to his OW/MW because he didn't want to deal with her emotions or reaction. A mature man who knew calling would be a mistake, but called out of weakness. Sorry that I'm being harsh here, but the fact that you both are married and neither of you had any intention of leaving your marriages for one another, telling her you love her over the phone was pointless and you hoping she'd tell you she loved you, again pointless, except for feeding egos. Time to let go of this and focus on your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Stoneman...these are all just life lessons. Please learn from the choices u made. You can't change the past but now u kno why affairs are just not a good idea. There are no winners but u can move forward and spend ur spare time in IC getting the answers about who u are and who u want to be. It doesn't matter how much love u feel, if u can't leave ur marriage let alone confess to ur wife...you'll always be stuck in what could have been if only she wasn't moving to Asia to work with her H. It's over, the only thing that will change anything is if she shows up with signed divorce papers and u have the courage to leave a marriage where ur culture may have harsh consequences. U need to think realistically. Ur feelings about why u called S, or why she called u back doesn't change the fact that it was just an A. Love can exist there, but it can't live on when it's over, no matter how many times u try resuscitate it! I like this post. However, they are not life lessons unless one chooses to make them life lessons. And if one is satisfied with love that just lives in one's own head, that is what one can end up with. You have to make a conscious choice to live your life fully and to be open to actively showing your love and commitment today, tomorrow and beyond. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 stoneman - what are you looking for here? Do you want affirmation that she love/d you? You know better than we do. If you know she loved you than I am sure she loved you. But given where things stand currently what do you want from this information? What will it do/fix? If you really love her than you want what is best for her and will sacrifice for her. What can you do to show her you really love her? Number one is honoring her wishes. What has she asked you to do? I got to a point before we broke up and during that I followed the saying " if you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back". Let her go. You are whole right now and aren't ready and able to accept her full love and commitment if it was presented to you today. You have your own issues and skeletons that you need to work through and fix. Work on making your life and yourself whole and authentic and ready to be able to accept love fully when it presents itself. You are mourning her and that is completely understandable. Journaling is a great exercise to do. You are going to go through waves of sadness, anger, frustration, and acceptance. Ride the waves and it will get better. You two were not in a place right now in your lives to be able to walk the path together. That is your reality. You now have two options, work on making that possible on your side so when it is presented to you again you have nothing holding you back. Or close the door and continue on the path you are on enjoying it completely and fully. The worst thing in life is to have regrets. Don't do and not do things that you will regret later on. You get one chance at this, live it fully and live it completely. But stop being an observer with one foot in and one foot out. Whatever you decide to do, jump in with both feet planted and embrace it completely. You owe yourself that experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 This thread makes me laugh ( I posted it d'oh!) Because everything I have read these past few months has been, "Actions speak louder than words" But....here you say "words speak louder than actions" So which is it? What do you believe more? Here's the crux of your confusion. You think calling her is an ACTION...but, it's not. It's just words. ACTION would be filing for divorce and actively pursuing her. Or...ACTION would be confessing to your wife and attempting to rebuild a marriage with her. You have yet to take any form of action whatsoever in your own circumstance...and that's exactly why you're still sitting in the same spot...posting the same stuff...months later. Because you HAVEN'T taken any action. In fact...now you confuse words with action. Trust me...when you finally DO take 'action'...it'll clear up your confusion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Well I'm 36. I'm not calling for booty calls. I'm not referring to the 30 and under set...sure many guys call for booty calls though. I'm referring to mature adult men... My definition of "mature" and "adult" doesn't extend to people engaging in affairs, or sleeping with other peoples' spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
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