Where do you draw the line?

[Johnny85]

Greetings All!

 

I have a few questions for you regarding dating/relationships. I have only had two real relationships in my life (this being the second one) and am a bit confused by "her" behavior. Please feel free to punch me if I am overreacting.

 

So we have been dating for about 9 weeks now. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. We come from two very different cultures. I am Germanic and quite introverted/ reserved. She is the complete opposite, and talks to guys and is very touchy feely with guys. Perhaps I am a bit conservative in my ways, but sometimes I find myself jealous because of how she talks to some guys in front of me.

 

 

 

A week ago, we went to a party and this girl started talking to me (not flirting). My girlfriend became so jealous. On our way home, she started accusing me of flirting, and insulting one of the other girls who was at the party. She essentially said things like "I don't think we are meant to be together" or "we are so different". I told her that alcohol makes you say things that you would normally only dare think when sober. I told her that if she wanted to break up, just tell me and I will leave her alone. She was quite drunk and acted normal the next day.

 

or

 

Sometimes she touches my friend on the arm or tells him that he looks attractive in a certain photo (he signed up for online dating and she was helping him with his profile). Her English isn't the best and I thought I heard her say something to my friend that was inappropriate. Later that night we started arguing. I told her that if she wanted to break up, just tell me and I will leave her alone. She said I was acting controlling. The thing is that she went on a date with my friend before going out with me. He paid for dinner and went home with him, and she says it was not a date.... She says nothing happened; nonetheless, American men think that as soon as a girl talks to a guy she is interested. To clarify, she has a very open and free spirited personality and her behavior can easily be perceived as flirting. I probably overreacted here and I did get jealous.

 

 

Sometimes she still says things like "We are so different" or "we hardly know each other" and I simply reply by saying "well if it is not meant to be, then we will eventually find out." Then she says, "well we can just be friends in that case." She told me that one of her teacher's assistants (who is 16) asked if she would be interested in meeting her dad's friend (to go on a blind date). Guess who she is hanging out with tonight? I don't know why she is going out with a 16 year old in the first place. Secondly, why go out with someone who is trying to set her up with her dad's friend? Am I overreacting?

 

She admitted that she cheated once on her long-term boyfriend (I asked her). Her defense was essentially that everybody cheats once. I told her "NO, I have never cheated."

 

My problem is that I feel like I cannot trust her. I believe that this may an insecurity on my part. She has been with around 25 guys and is almost 30 yrs old. I feel that is a bit too much.

 

 

She sometimes asks me if I want to break up with her. I believe she is mirroring what she actually wants. So I tell her "if you wants to break up with me, just do." Then she says that she doesn't want that and that I am the nicest guy she has ever met. If I am not the guy for her, she doesn't know who is....

 

 

She is new in a city/country with few friends and I feel like I am the guy to keep her company and comfort her. Sure, the sex is amazing, but I don't feel like she takes us seriously sometimes.

 

I don't want to be that possessive crazy boyfriend. Trust is very important to me, and I don't know why I feel the way I do and if it is natural for me to feel this way?

 

 

Have you been in a similar situation?

 

Cheers!

[InJest]

You seem like you've got your head on straight. Keep banging her, but start looking for other girls. If she shapes up(she won't) then keep her, otherwise, drop her when you find someone else. Whatever you do, do not invest anything more emotionally in her.

Edited August 1, 2012 by InJest

[Ninjainpajamas]

She's a cheater and obviously a person with issues...that's why she overreacts not because the way you are acting...do you get that? it's not about you...it's about her.

 

She interprets and has experience with cheating, therefore she is paranoid about it...she's afraid the hammer swings both ways and karma can be a bitch (if you believe in that sort of thing)

 

I would not get too close to this one, learn from her, get experience about this kind of a woman, observe her issues...study her like an ant because you're from a conservative background and all of this is going be completely weird and new to you...so outside your box.

 

Otherwise I'd say get the hell out of there, you really don't know this girl and what she's capable of, don't underestimate that...she's got skeletons in her closet and sounds like a party girl who's done her thing so don't take her for a sweet little reformed angel, she'd probably do some pretty shameful things with men you'd despise of and without as much effort as you'd think...sorry to say I'm just being honest about that.

 

Not really a quality girl you have here unfortunately, you may care for her and the sex might be great...but she's been around the block and It's likely more than 25 guys she's been with...this is a wild child and she doesn't seem over her issues yet. Furthermore she probably needs a guy who is fked up, doesn't care about her and had some kind of drug/alcohol addiction...basically a loser but they are attractive to her and a lot of women because of their own personal issues and insecurities.

 

I guess I can't really think of a reason for you to say other than a learning experience...I think you're way in over your head and will likely get hurt.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I dont' agree that you should "keep on banging her" until you have other bang recipients lined up.

 

How about being true to yourself? If you are not getting what you need from this relationship, why don't you end it?

 

Or if you think there is really something there, first decide what your boundaries are and then have an honest and frank discussion about them with her.

[Emilia]

Is this the same girl that was sexually aggressive with you in the beginning?

 

Either way, I think you can get a better quality person that this OP

[NoMagicBullet]

She sometimes asks me if I want to break up with her. I believe she is mirroring what she actually wants. So I tell her "if you wants to break up with me, just do." Then she says that she doesn't want that and that I am the nicest guy she has ever met. If I am not the guy for her, she doesn't know who is....

 

 

She is new in a city/country with few friends and I feel like I am the guy to keep her company and comfort her. Sure, the sex is amazing, but I don't feel like she takes us seriously sometimes.

 

I don't want to be that possessive crazy boyfriend. Trust is very important to me, and I don't know why I feel the way I do and if it is natural for me to feel this way?

 

On some level, she knows she doesn't have a lot of friends, and you are a good guy and are there for her. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and dump you, but you may be right -- she may want to end things. On the other hand, maybe she is so used to cheating and being cheated on, she expects your relationship to end because that's what she's used to. Either way, there is definitely mirroring going on.

 

I agree with Ninjainpajamas -- she's got skeletons, or at least baggage, and she can't handle being in a serious relationship with real fidelity. Don't try to save her and show her what a good relationship is, because she doesn't appreciate it, and she's only going to hurt you in the long run.

 

You don't need to tolerate her accusations or her flirting with other men; it's disrespectful of her to do that. But you may have to break up with her to get away from it. She doesn't seem like she's going to change.