trust and respect

[minnie]

my boyfriend and i have been living together for 9 months--- he is 25 and i'm 33. he's always been a relatively antisocial guy, preferring to keep to one-on-one contact with his friends and avoid crowded places. recently, he has been talking about breaking out of his shell and broadening his social life. unfortunately, his social life now basically excludes me (his friends only come over when i'm at work, 7p.m.-7a.m., and he never takes me over to see his friends), and i'm sure his new friendships will exclude me as well.

 

anyway, the other day his boss asked him to teach his daughter, who i've been told is 25, very attractive, "cool and interesting", how to use a Mac, on his off time, might i add. he agreed to do it and planned to go over to this girls house while i was at work one friday night. i told him tht i didn't feel comfortable about him going to a girl's house that i had never met and i would like it even less if he brought her to my house while i was out. basically, he didn't care what i said beacause, afterall, she is so "cool and interesting" and just the type of person he was wanting to broadening his social circle to included. did i mention that he says our relationship has become boring and mundane.

 

so, as i'm leaving for work friday night, he tells me i can rest easy because she was busy and couldn't get together that night. rest easy... yeah... anyway, the next morning i came home and all the tell-tale signs that someone was in my house were staring me in the face. he was awake, but offered no information. he didn't tell me she came over until i woke up that afternoon and poked, proded and then came straight out and directly asked him if she was there. and, in a feeble attempt to make an argument for himself, he said, "well, i'll tell you exactly what we did. we worked on the computer for an hour and sat around talking for the next 5 hours." yes, beer was involved as well as no smoking (he smokes about a pack a day) and lots of chewed up freshbreath gum in the garbage. he says he did nothing wrong because he didn't have sex with her, though he can't really prove it.

 

but, for me, it's not the sex. i think he disrespected me and violated my trust. i don't know if it was premeditated or not, but it doesn't matter. can anyone offer some insight into this? am i blowing this out of proportion?

[Angel]

Girl I think that he is just playin ya for a fool. Don't think for one moment that I would allow another woman to come into my home when I wasn't there even if I knew her or not.

 

You have got to lay your foot down somewhere. Right on his bottom would be a great place to start too!! He doesn't have any respect for you by doing what he did. He told you a lie before you went to work. I am willing to bet on that. You sound as if you need someone that will really appreciate you for you. If he doesn't want you to be around his friends or involved in his social life then you don't need him at all. To be a couple you have to be together first!!!!

 

Good Luck!!!!!!!

[Mitch]

am i blowing this out of proportion?

No, I don't think so.

he says he did nothing wrong because he didn't have sex with her

I'll have to remember this one. "Honey, I didn't do anything wrong because I didn't have sex with her, so what's the problem? Sure, I was full of half truths and told you a bunch of crap but I didn't have sex with her."

 

I would be a dead man. And rightfully so.

though he can't really prove it. he didn't tell me she came over until i woke up that afternoon and poked, proded and then came straight out and directly asked him if she was there.

It sounds like your relationship is more like a courtroom these days.

 

Do you want this?? Is it worth it?

but, for me, it's not the sex. i think he disrespected me and violated my trust. i don't know if it was premeditated or not, but it doesn't matter.

I think he did too. In a major way based on your post.

 

Ugh. Unless you enjoy being left out and lied to, well.. stay away from this guy.

 

It doesn't seem like a really transitory phenomena. It seems like he's been neglecting you for awhile and has started lying and most likely cheating as of late. The pattern of not introducing you to friends, of keeping you out of his life, and now of outright lying...

 

Well. I wish I had a solution that didn't involve booting him out. But I don't.

 

Good luck with all this.

[Kelly]

Girl I think that he is just playin ya for a fool. Don't think for one moment that I would allow another woman to come into my home when I wasn't there even if I knew her or not. You have got to lay your foot down somewhere. Right on his bottom would be a great place to start too!! He doesn't have any respect for you by doing what he did. He told you a lie before you went to work. I am willing to bet on that. You sound as if you need someone that will really appreciate you for you. If he doesn't want you to be around his friends or involved in his social life then you don't need him at all. To be a couple you have to be together first!!!! Good Luck!!!!!!!

Hey Angel,

 

Fo real girl...you don't need any of us to tell you that something is wrong here. Trust me, it isn't you. We both know that if it were you in his shoes..he would be snapping big-time. You obviously have to be the adult here and talk to him about your relationship and what you both need to do to make it better. There is something missing if he feels it's ok to let another woman into his life personally that way. A friend is a friend...and this girl may be one right now but his secrets prove it's just going to get worse. If he feels he doesn't want to be committed to you 100% like before, don't accept anything less. You are going to have to be the bigger person here and lay down the law. Forget this girl and the situation...he's acting out b/c there is something going wrong in the relationship. From what you said it sounds like he wants his freedom, but girl please..don't let him have you as well. Keep cool with this and stay strong and focused on your relationship, but only if he is willing to be focused on it as well.

[minnie]

thanks kelly, mitch, and angel for your responses. i try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but now he says he wants to stay a couple but i should move out. he says he needs time to sort out his life and priorities and learn to be 100% responsible and self-sufficient and can't do that with me here. i think he's just tired of us. what do you think?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for 9 months--- he is 25 and i'm 33. he's always been a relatively antisocial guy, preferring to keep to one-on-one contact with his friends and avoid crowded places. recently, he has been talking about breaking out of his shell and broadening his social life. unfortunately, his social life now basically excludes me (his friends only come over when i'm at work, 7p.m.-7a.m., and he never takes me over to see his friends), and i'm sure his new friendships will exclude me as well. anyway, the other day his boss asked him to teach his daughter, who i've been told is 25, very attractive, "cool and interesting", how to use a Mac, on his off time, might i add. he agreed to do it and planned to go over to this girls house while i was at work one friday night. i told him tht i didn't feel comfortable about him going to a girl's house that i had never met and i would like it even less if he brought her to my house while i was out. basically, he didn't care what i said beacause, afterall, she is so "cool and interesting" and just the type of person he was wanting to broadening his social circle to included. did i mention that he says our relationship has become boring and mundane. so, as i'm leaving for work friday night, he tells me i can rest easy because she was busy and couldn't get together that night. rest easy... yeah... anyway, the next morning i came home and all the tell-tale signs that someone was in my house were staring me in the face. he was awake, but offered no information. he didn't tell me she came over until i woke up that afternoon and poked, proded and then came straight out and directly asked him if she was there. and, in a feeble attempt to make an argument for himself, he said, "well, i'll tell you exactly what we did. we worked on the computer for an hour and sat around talking for the next 5 hours." yes, beer was involved as well as no smoking (he smokes about a pack a day) and lots of chewed up freshbreath gum in the garbage. he says he did nothing wrong because he didn't have sex with her, though he can't really prove it. but, for me, it's not the sex. i think he disrespected me and violated my trust. i don't know if it was premeditated or not, but it doesn't matter. can anyone offer some insight into this? am i blowing this out of proportion?

[Deejette]

He was cruel to tell you your relationship was getting stale and he is looking for a social life elsewhere. Talking to this girl for five hours is a bit much too.

 

You might have to get out of this one before he dumps you. At least you will save your pride, because it sounds like he is waiting to find the right reason to move on to a "cool and interesting" woman.

Hey Angel, Fo real girl...you don't need any of us to tell you that something is wrong here. Trust me, it isn't you. We both know that if it were you in his shoes..he would be snapping big-time. You obviously have to be the adult here and talk to him about your relationship and what you both need to do to make it better. There is something missing if he feels it's ok to let another woman into his life personally that way. A friend is a friend...and this girl may be one right now but his secrets prove it's just going to get worse. If he feels he doesn't want to be committed to you 100% like before, don't accept anything less. You are going to have to be the bigger person here and lay down the law. Forget this girl and the situation...he's acting out b/c there is something going wrong in the relationship. From what you said it sounds like he wants his freedom, but girl please..don't let him have you as well. Keep cool with this and stay strong and focused on your relationship, but only if he is willing to be focused on it as well.

[Deejette]

People don't have to be totally by themselves to learn how to be responsible. And from your description, to him self-sufficient means being free to date around.

thanks kelly, mitch, and angel for your responses. i try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but now he says he wants to stay a couple but i should move out. he says he needs time to sort out his life and priorities and learn to be 100% responsible and self-sufficient and can't do that with me here. i think he's just tired of us. what do you think?