Does saying no contact mean you are over your affair partner?

[Goldfsh79]

How long does it take to get over your affair partner? I was feeling better after the 6 months, but now am in the "thick" of it again after the phone call.

 

Do you think when either party says they don't want contact, they are over the affair partner?

 

I'm hoping it doesn't take me 6 more months this time.

[rhw]

hardly in the position to dispense my two cents but for what it's worth, you are lucky. you got closure. now you can begin to move forward. the second one person in the A says, "don't contact me," it's a pretty clear sign it's over. there's nothing more there, regardless of whether he's getting divorced. he didn't tell *you* and you should be the first one to know (well, after his W anyway).

 

i have no such closure. mine hasn't blocked my emails, nor has he blocked me from skype or Twitter (though i just deleted that account altogether). but he did disappear w/o a word. he pulled a Stoneman basically (sorry, Stoneman but it's true. he didn't say a single thing to me like you didn't say anything to S, and just broke away, leaving me to handle the destruction).

 

as for being over your AP? certainly not in my case! i'm not over it, will probably never be over it.

 

good lyrics to quote here: "i can't go on living this way but i can't go back the way i came Chained to this fear that i will never find a way to heal my soul/ i will wander til the end of time half-alive without you..." (i love that song and as much as it's torturing me, it's sort of helping too)

[Leelou]

How long does it take to get over your affair partner? I was feeling better after the 6 months, but now am in the "thick" of it again after the phone call.

 

Do you think when either party says they don't want contact, they are over the affair partner?

 

I'm hoping it doesn't take me 6 more months this time.

It's only a temporary setback this feeling of being 'back in the thick of it' after hearing he is getting divorced.

 

Honestly, once you adopt a different perspective you will feel a bit better (within days). How about you try see it that YOU weren't given up without giving him the strength to DO THE RIGHT THING by himself.... to move towards being authentic.

 

It has nothing to say about you, your value, how much he loved you or anything... this is about him battling to put his life straight morally, in alignment with what he believes it should be.

[Goldfsh79]

hardly in the position to dispense my two cents but for what it's worth, you are lucky. you got closure. now you can begin to move forward. the second one person in the A says, "don't contact me," it's a pretty clear sign it's over. there's nothing more there, regardless of whether he's getting divorced. he didn't tell *you* and you should be the first one to know (well, after his W anyway).

 

i have no such closure. mine hasn't blocked my emails, nor has he blocked me from skype or Twitter (though i just deleted that account altogether). but he did disappear w/o a word. he pulled a Stoneman basically (sorry, Stoneman but it's true. he didn't say a single thing to me like you didn't say anything to S, and just broke away, leaving me to handle the destruction).

 

as for being over your AP? certainly not in my case! i'm not over it, will probably never be over it.

 

good lyrics to quote here: "i can't go on living this way but i can't go back the way i came Chained to this fear that i will never find a way to heal my soul/ i will wander til the end of time half-alive without you..." (i love that song and as much as it's torturing me, it's sort of helping too)

 

When did he leave?

[rhw]

a week from my birthday (early March) was the last i heard from him. he said he mixed up the day of my bday and would actually be out of town. i said, oh and left it at that. then a few hours later, asked if he still wanted to when he got back cuz i still wanted to celebrate with him. it took him 3 hours to respond during which i was sure he would say, "i'm sorry" or "we can't" or whatever. 3 hours... and then he said, "Sure! :)" because he has never broken plans w/ me in 11 years, i had no reason to believe he was anything less than eager. i didn't see this coming.

 

.... and then dead silence. and no, he is not dead. he is very much alive and well.

Edited August 2, 2012 by rhw

[Mount]

Then I have a question though - don't you not feel unsatified when you see you and the MM being more and more apart before the ending, or you still want to hold on the last hope? Why don't you break the A first to the MM?

[rhw]

Then I have a question though - don't you not feel unsatified when you see you and the MM being more and more apart before the ending, or you still want to hold on the last hope? Why don't you break the A first to the MM?

 

because it wasn't "more and more apart" in the sense that conversations started dying down or he started distancing himself with "i'm busy" or whatever. i know all that stuff. no one who matters is ever that busy. he just up and disappeared without a word. he also has never, ever in 11 years bailed on plans with me. *never* which is why i didn't think to question why it took him 3 hrs to say "sure!" or why he never wrote back and disappeared.

 

yes i'm holding on to hope because the things i do know about his marriage mean within a short time frame, that marriage is going to destruct.

 

my MM and i are never gonna be over each other. i just eventually want to get to a place where this pain doesn't sear through me every day. he was the one man i never thought would do this to me. i dated someone for a while who pulled that **** on me all the time (not a MM; someone different). i no longer speak to that person because it was ridiculous and i didn't trust him after the second or third time (and it took a 4th time of him promising he wouldn't do that before he did it again). so no, i do not have a tolerance for that behavior at all. i just never thought my MM would ever do that to me. and the fact that he hasn't locked me out of all methods of communication says he hasn't really walked away forever either. it's just another cycle of NC. he would still tell me if only to say, please live your life. 11 years. i know him. he would say that.

[Happyface]

No.. it doesn't mean you are "over" your AP at all . It means that circumstances or the fact that the A is too painful, makes NC necessary. It means that one of you has a reason to begin letting go of the A.

 

It could take a long time and many reconciliations and break ups.

 

If NC is strictly adhered to, it can take less time . It really depends on the individual. Accepting that the A is over is the key. When you can say to yourself that you are never going to see or speak to the A partner again... then you are done. It's mindset that can take a while to get to.

 

Happyface.

[road]

How long does it take to get over your affair partner? I was feeling better after the 6 months, but now am in the "thick" of it again after the phone call.

 

Do you think when either party says they don't want contact, they are over the affair partner?

 

I'm hoping it doesn't take me 6 more months this time.

 

 

This is why NC must be 100% and for life. Their are old feelings. Contact make you forget the bad ones and only remember the good ones and they get rekindled.

[UpwardForward]

NC is only physical, and in most cases: saying you wish for the A to be over.

 

The A is only over, when in your mind, your emotions, your heart - you are regretful. And with the knowledge you were destined for a complete relationship physically/emotionally.

 

IMO, there should be no such thing as even hanging onto one's coat tails (in the spirit), and being happy that you knew the individual in this manner. (other than a friendship).

 

This relationship of love/intimacy should only happen when the two are of the same accord and completely committed to each another.

Edited August 2, 2012 by UpwardForward

[jwi71]

How long does it take to get over your affair partner? I was feeling better after the 6 months, but now am in the "thick" of it again after the phone call.

 

Varies but it appears that the time-frame for a "functional getting over an AP" is measured in years, anywhere from 2-5.

 

However I believe the effects to be much longer lasting in terms of "thinking of" the A and AP.

 

A's are life changing events and as such it's hard to quantify a "when".

 

Do you think when either party says they don't want contact, they are over the affair partner?

 

This is a common mistake. Instead of seeing the NC request for what it is (go away) an AP will focus on the why in an attempt to justify/rationalize/minimize being told to "go away".

 

See it simply for it is. Being told that contact, at any level, is no longer wanted.

 

Why? Who cares. The more helpful thought process is "does love behave like this"?

 

I'm hoping it doesn't take me 6 more months this time.

 

That's entirely up to you.

 

Think of it this way....given his actions, do you think he loves you?

If yes, then you have to pick which man to be with.

If no, then why are you do concerned over a man who doesn't love you?

[canuckprincess]

because it wasn't "more and more apart" in the sense that conversations started dying down or he started distancing himself with "i'm busy" or whatever. i know all that stuff. no one who matters is ever that busy. he just up and disappeared without a word. he also has never, ever in 11 years bailed on plans with me. *never* which is why i didn't think to question why it took him 3 hrs to say "sure!" or why he never wrote back and disappeared.

 

yes i'm holding on to hope because the things i do know about his marriage mean within a short time frame, that marriage is going to destruct.

 

my MM and i are never gonna be over each other. i just eventually want to get to a place where this pain doesn't sear through me every day. he was the one man i never thought would do this to me. i dated someone for a while who pulled that **** on me all the time (not a MM; someone different). i no longer speak to that person because it was ridiculous and i didn't trust him after the second or third time (and it took a 4th time of him promising he wouldn't do that before he did it again). so no, i do not have a tolerance for that behavior at all. i just never thought my MM would ever do that to me. and the fact that he hasn't locked me out of all methods of communication says he hasn't really walked away forever either. it's just another cycle of NC. he would still tell me if only to say, please live your life. 11 years. i know him. he would say that.

 

 

 

 

Omg 11 years, does his wife know?

[canuckprincess]

because it wasn't "more and more apart" in the sense that conversations started dying down or he started distancing himself with "i'm busy" or whatever. i know all that stuff. no one who matters is ever that busy. he just up and disappeared without a word. he also has never, ever in 11 years bailed on plans with me. *never* which is why i didn't think to question why it took him 3 hrs to say "sure!" or why he never wrote back and disappeared.

 

yes i'm holding on to hope because the things i do know about his marriage mean within a short time frame, that marriage is going to destruct.

 

my MM and i are never gonna be over each other. i just eventually want to get to a place where this pain doesn't sear through me every day. he was the one man i never thought would do this to me. i dated someone for a while who pulled that **** on me all the time (not a MM; someone different). i no longer speak to that person because it was ridiculous and i didn't trust him after the second or third time (and it took a 4th time of him promising he wouldn't do that before he did it again). so no, i do not have a tolerance for that behavior at all. i just never thought my MM would ever do that to me. and the fact that he hasn't locked me out of all methods of communication says he hasn't really walked away forever either. it's just another cycle of NC. he would still tell me if only to say, please live your life. 11 years. i know him. he would say that.

 

 

 

 

Omg 11 years, does his wife know? And if not how is that possible?