Ex is in a rebound relationship, starting proper NC today, i am the dumper

[winstonsdreams]

So i sent my ex a final email today, wishing her well in her new relationship and letting her know i would always be there for her, and we will always have our song. We haven't spoken in a month

 

No i am not a dumpee pleading for breadcrumbs. The difference with this scenario is i was the dumper, she jumped into a rebound relationship, implemented NC, i came crawling back, and she told me where to go. I got what i deserved right?

 

She doesn't speak to me at all. I have given up the idea of reconciliation, and now will focus on moving on with NC. I want to document each week from today, i am seeing a psychologist every fortnight from today also, my first session yesterday was amazing, i suggest you try it! I would like to post all the feelings regarding the sessions and give my advice to those seeking help or having trouble with NC.

 

It is officially 3 months since i broke it off. the emotions have been very fresh for me since we last spoke 1 month ago, with her telling me it was over and she had a new bf. She was in a new relationship after 7 weeks. But according to her mother, has never been happier.

 

Please anyone wanting to post about struggles with NC and dumpers regret feel free to share your thoughts.

 

I had a date on Tuesday, i won't lie that helped immensely! Get out there and meet new people guys it helps. Making out again was amazing!

[MayleneHallelujah09]

I am not the dumper. Been the dumpee four times by the same guy. If she is happy then let her go. Hopefully the two of you can be friends again one day. It's exhausting when a guy can't make up his mind about whether or not he wants you, so I understand her point of view. I mean, it confuses you to no end. It makes you wonder what their motives are. You're scared to death that things will end up the same as before. It's just an awful experience to be strung along. At the same time, rebound relationships are not the way to go, at least from my experience. I was the rebound for the guy mentioned above^^ Got with me a month after splitting up with his previous girlfriend, and it definitely did not go well, considering he dumped me four times. My fault for being stupid and taking him back, but I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone and still do. The trust, however, is GONE. Once you break up with a girl one time, even if you get back together, there will always be a part of her that is scared more than you'll ever know, that you will leave again. It's not a good feeling at all. I guess I have a question for you as well, if you don't mind. From a dumper's perspective, why would a guy come back to a girl over and over and then mistreat her and throw her away every time? I realize that I was a doormat and that maybe he did it because he COULD. But other than that...is it possible for a guy to really be in love with a girl and just leave her over and over?

[winstonsdreams]

I am sorry to hear your story MayleneHallelujah09, that guy sounds like a bit of a ***t. I will say this was the only relationship i ever ended. I am letting her go, as hard as it is. One thing i have come to realise is, is that it would never be the same if we got back together in the near future. So what is the point? I ruined this, she was hurting and i let her move on, i am an idiot.

 

I don't know why this guy did that to you, sounds like you were there when he needed you. He probably kept you around out of convenience, which is horrible, he may have not wanted to be alone. You should never let anyone treat you like that. He was in control and he knew it. Bad dude right there. He will get his comeuppance.

 

So day 1 of NC for me, haha feel pretty crap of course. maybe i should go out and actually do something tonight! haha

[winstonsdreams]

well i just got home, it's after 1am, have an early start tomorrow. what i want to say is, get out there and meet new people guys! it helps take your mind off things. i met and kissed a girl tonight who was telling me she has fancied me for over a year! she told me i am handsome and man i need to hear that with the way i am feeling right now! Day 2 of NC i want to make it to 60 days, my ex hasn't initiated contact with me for over a month. hope she is happy. this is hard guys but thought i would throw out some of my advice for you guys <3

[ballycastle]

winstonsdreams of course you feel great, you ended the relationship, it was down to you. And now you are telling us, the majority who have been dumped to go out there and kiss others! How insensitive.

 

I am sitting here 4 months after my ex dumped me and I still cry and miss him. being physical with another person is NOT the answer. You need to DEAL with drove you to behave the way you did in your last relationship not paste over cracks which will only show through in time

 

I was 2nd attempt of NC for a month, broke it today. NC is hard. I had some bad news and wanted to reach out to him. If he ignores me, then it won't make me feel any worse than I do.

 

Going out and being physical with someone who says I am handsome will not break a broken heart.

[Jono85]

well i just got home, it's after 1am, have an early start tomorrow. what i want to say is, get out there and meet new people guys! it helps take your mind off things. i met and kissed a girl tonight who was telling me she has fancied me for over a year! she told me i am handsome and man i need to hear that with the way i am feeling right now! Day 2 of NC i want to make it to 60 days, my ex hasn't initiated contact with me for over a month. hope she is happy. this is hard guys but thought i would throw out some of my advice for you guys <3

 

 

just be careful, sounds like this new girl is going to get really hurt at some point. be open and honest with her about needing time since it doesn't sound like you're even close to getting over the ex yet, which is natural.

[winstonsdreams]

good point guys i woke up with that heartache feeling, i really better take it slow hey. man it's been 3 months and i still feel this way, as the dumper. although i feel like the dumpee, with the way things turned out.

 

damn how did she manage to move on like that, it still ****s with my head! like you can't just shut off feelings. her way of dealing is to what pretend i don't exist and date someone totally different? man i can't make the same mistake, i really need to assess where i went wrong and heal before i get too involved with this one. my mind is racing. just in a state of shock, rebounding so fast, why? maybe she has some serious issues to address. she just can't be alone. i know it's not my problem, but how can the mind just move on and forget something so special? i won't make the same mistake. still hurting

[blotter]

In all honesty 7 weeks is plenty of time to get over someone that has dumped you. I started dating my current girlfriend 7 1/2 weeks after being dumped and we have been together for almost a year now and are moving in together. My past relationship has not been an issue whatsoever. All i'm saying is it is not necessarily a rebound relationship because you are still hurting and she is in a new relationship. I think you are taking her actions too personally, being dumped by someone does wonders for making you want to move on with your life and not dwell on a dead relationship. Hence take 7 weeks to grieve the relationship then get back out there and find someone that WANTS to be with you.

Edited August 4, 2012 by blotter

[winstonsdreams]

you are probably right, i have been told her turnaround for new relationships is always quick, technically i was a rebound! it's just how she is she can't be alone. there isn't anything i can do but move on with my life. i hope one day at the very least she talks to me and maybe down the track we can possibly work it out. being the dumper i feel i should be doing more to win her back but she has made it pretty clear she moved on and is happy and said i should do same. i need to let her go and find happiness i can't force her to see me. if i don't hear from her in 3 months maybe i will give her a call. until then i have to maintain strict NC and keep her blocked on Facebook. some people call that petty but it definitely has made life easier for me since, she never replied to my email wishing her well so she most likely doesn't want much to do with me.

[winstonsdreams]

She replied to the final email guys. Tell me what you think, nothing to get excited about.

 

So she said she felt bad for how things have ended and how she has had to do the right thing by her and her son, in moving on. She said it just so happens she met someone right after it all went down, but she can't understand why she was blocked off Facebook.

 

She said it's a shame things ended up this way, we definitely had something, but we just wanted totally different things. she said she won't be out for a while and we may or may not run into each other.

 

I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. Can you guys give some help?

[Zammo25]

She replied to the final email guys. Tell me what you think, nothing to get excited about.

 

So she said she felt bad for how things have ended and how she has had to do the right thing by her and her son, in moving on. She said it just so happens she met someone right after it all went down, but she can't understand why she was blocked off Facebook.

 

She said it's a shame things ended up this way, we definitely had something, but we just wanted totally different things. she said she won't be out for a while and we may or may not run into each other.

 

I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. Can you guys give some help?

 

What is there to think about ?

 

1. You dumped her

2. She moved on and who can blame her

3. You blocked her on facebook, something I disagree with as it is petty

4. She is not going out for a while, ie she is staying in with the new guy

5. You are at least on civil terms now

 

Its over. Move on and do not dump people you care about in the future.

[winstonsdreams]

hmm harsh but true i guess, well i guess i better leave it then, no going back now. wish there was something i could say. so,metimes you say more by saying nothing, she will probably appreciate that more.

[winstonsdreams]

well first week of NC down since the final email. Well i got the reply on Monday, what can i say? I feel like ***t i am trying everything to move on and feel ******g miserable. I just wish i could do something to rectify this situation, i can't do anything i am so upset i just don't know what to do anymore. I just want my girl back.

 

How did she move on in 6 weeks? I tried going on dates and all i can think about is her!!!!!

 

I know i have been getting a lot of 'serves you right' and 'move on you dumped her' from people on LS. But if someone could actually say something encouraging that would be helpful.

 

I don't have therapy for another week, which will also be her birthday. God i can't do this. I just want to see her to explain things, i don't want her to forget me, i just want to do something!!!!!!!

 

this is killing me please someone help!!!!!!! I have to stay NC or i am going to go nuts!!!!!!!

Edited August 9, 2012 by winstonsdreams

[notsure252]

Why did you dump her to begin with? (This information would help in trying to help you.)

[weallfalldown]

In all honesty 7 weeks is plenty of time to get over someone that has dumped you. I started dating my current girlfriend 7 1/2 weeks after being dumped and we have been together for almost a year now and are moving in together. My past relationship has not been an issue whatsoever. All i'm saying is it is not necessarily a rebound relationship because you are still hurting and she is in a new relationship. I think you are taking her actions too personally, being dumped by someone does wonders for making you want to move on with your life and not dwell on a dead relationship. Hence take 7 weeks to grieve the relationship then get back out there and find someone that WANTS to be with you.

 

how old are you?

[winstonsdreams]

I am 29

 

I know there were reasons we broke up i keep going over them in my mind. But they weren't really warranting a break up. I have to convince myself i did the right thing.

 

I am trying to completely block her out of my stupid brain, i broke down yesterday in front of my family and they were dumbfounded as to what is wrong with me, they cannot believe the turn of events after i ended it.

 

I guess a lot of the break up had to do with the pressures of dealing with her 4 year old son, it was tough. She was extemely needy and clingy. I tried so hard to be a good man to both of them, i just couldn't handle the pressure and flipped out.

[Jamesblame]

Just give yourself time and don't judge her for needing less time. You said she has a kid---so, 6 weeks is a good amount of time for her to refocus her energies on her child and then from there find a way to move on again.

 

It just happens. Maybe you had a bunch of bad dates in that time period. I didn't think I'd ever get over my ex until I went on a coffee date with a woman and ended up leaving her apartment --no sex-- at six am.

 

You just click sometimes.

[winstonsdreams]

Well another session of therapy today, decided to jump on a cancellation so got in early. It feels good to get out some feelings on here.

 

It became evident that i left my ex for quite valid reasons, although i would still like her back, the pressure she put on me was immense. That and the responsibility of her son was obviously too much for me to handle. I now know that if you have issues such as these you need to talk it out and work things out, i should have said we were taking things way too fast and worked on it.

 

With her birthday coming up i will maintain NC and let her enjoy her day without me ruining it for her. I am getting a little bit of strength every day. It just makes me sad knowing she is slowly forgetting me too.

 

I made it clear in the final email i would not bother her ever again, and that i would always be her for her. My therapist was very impressed with the letter but also agreed that was it, there will be no further closure. I have to back up what i said, i may never hear from her again.

 

I have learnt some very harsh lessons with this breakup, it has cost me dearly but i am doing my best to move on. Right now i am not worried if she will contact me again, although every text and email makes my heart skip a beat still. I really hurt this one, and i deserve what i am going through. But i have become a better person and learnt so much about myself.

 

Blocking her off every social networking site has been helpful, i suggest anyone to do the same, out of sight out of mind. In time, unfortunately, i will forget.

 

Next session is in a couple weeks. Hope everyone is well

[kindest]

@winstonsdreams: Why did you break up with her? And what kind of efforts have you done (prior to her jumping into a new relationship) to get her back?

 

I was dumped 6 months ago. Since then I've tried to maintain NC, but my ex just won't let it and kept on contacting me for whatever reason. I don't know what his intentions were, was it just to torture me by keeping in contact with me but not wanting to get back in a relationship with me? He kept in contact, but also deleted me from facebook, do you know how confused and hurt I was from that kind of behavior? I tried my hardest to forget any feelings I had for him, but I just couldn't, so I asked him to stop contacting me. Nicely, mind you.

 

I understand your ex. Man, If I had met someone right after this guy hurt me... I would probably jump in that relationship too. Nevermind that it's a rebound but at least I have a new guy to take my mind off him. You don't know how much pain you probably put this girl through. She deserves all the happiness in the world right now.

[winstonsdreams]

kindest the story should be on the thread. the day i called her to tell her how i felt was the day i found out she had a boyfriend. trust me i am well aware i hurt her. it eats me up i hate myself for it. but she moved on, i am happy for her. but the regret is tearing me apart. i am now the one that feels like the dumpee and i owe it to her to maintain NC. So she can get on with her life. i owe her that. because i love her. this is the biggest mistake i have ever made, hopefully one day she finds it in her heart to talk to me again. until then NC will help me move on, she doesn't want to hear from me anyway. i hope she enjoys her birthday, she doesn't need me ruining it.

[Brightmoon]

Winston, I am sorry you are hurting. You are in the throws grieving and perhaps you should not expect too much of yourself in terms of moving on.

 

I do not mean this in an unkind way, but I wonder if you have control issues. You keep mentioning that you are the dumper. in fact you are now the dumpee.

You also mention more than once that you will let her enjoy her birthday etc... I just wonder if you are someone who has always apparently been in control.... called the shots. Her very mature decision to move on and pretty well Nc you must be a hell of a shock.

 

You will get over this. You are young and open to looking within. The pain will lessen and then you will truly move on.

 

All the best.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Brightmoon
typos

[Fmrbrknhrt22]

Good to hear you are speaking to someone about what happened Winstonsdreams. It sounds like your therapist is helping you to see the relationship for what it was rather than what your mind sometimes glorifies it as. You are also very wise to stay clear of her social media pages, that will help you immensely in keeping her out of the picture.

 

I am a lot like you in that after I dumped my ex, I analyzed every last detail of the relationship and all the things I felt I did wrong and then started blaming myself for the downfall of the relationship. It's unhealthy and counter-productive to engage in these kinds of thinking patterns. Be honest with yourself about what it is you want from a relationship, find ways to improve yourself as a person, and live your life the way you want to live it.

[kindest]

kindest the story should be on the thread. the day i called her to tell her how i felt was the day i found out she had a boyfriend. trust me i am well aware i hurt her. it eats me up i hate myself for it. but she moved on, i am happy for her. but the regret is tearing me apart. i am now the one that feels like the dumpee and i owe it to her to maintain NC. So she can get on with her life. i owe her that. because i love her. this is the biggest mistake i have ever made, hopefully one day she finds it in her heart to talk to me again. until then NC will help me move on, she doesn't want to hear from me anyway. i hope she enjoys her birthday, she doesn't need me ruining it.

 

Didn't you ever wonder if the reason you are feeling this way is only because you found out she got a new guy? Hey, I feel bad for you but finding out that our ex found someone before we did (even if you were the dumper) can be heartbreaking.

 

On the other hand, maybe you really do love her.

 

The last time I talked to my ex, I asked him to stop contacting me; I told him that maybe we can talk (be friends) in the future, but just not now. I wasn't very direct with the reason why I asked that of him, I just told him I'm not used to talking to my exes, but the bigger reason is that I am not healed from the heartbreak that he has caused me. I love him and I miss him every day, but every time we talk it's like pouring salt on my wound and I couldn't take it anymore. I still pray that everything works out in the end, and that we can still be friends; but at this point, I can't tell when I'll be okay, or if I could even find it in my heart to be friends with him again. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

 

Your ex probably feels the same way. Heartbreak is traumatizing, and getting your heartbroken by the same person is twice scarier.

[winstonsdreams]

Wow thanks for the comments guys i really appreciate it. Brightmoon yes you may certainly be right, my mother also agreed that it is due to the fact that the situation is not on my terms, hence i have so much trouble accepting it. After we broke up i kept telling her how much i loved her and wanted to stay close, her decision to go NC really did put me back in my place. Now i am in the same situation so i can heal! go figure!

 

Fmrbrknhrt22 yes you are right, i appreciate that you understand the decision from a dumpers point of view, you really hit the nail on the head with what you said regarding the relationship! I am certainly taking measures to become the person i can be from all this trust me.

 

kindest yes the fact she has a boyfriend hurt more, but when she went NC on me i came crawling back, 1 month of not hearing from her made me realise what i had lost. so to all the dumpees out there NC works!

 

My therapist read my closure email and the reply, and she said it was real nice, and i should definitely leave it now. I just hope i don't look like an a****** not wishing her happy birthday. Especially since we called me on mine a couple months back.

 

I am going to struggle to not text, call or email on her birthday, but i have a friend who asked me to call her if i get weak. Oh dear.

 

Wish me luck friends thanks again

Edited August 14, 2012 by winstonsdreams

[Jingle14]

As selfish as this may sound, it's actually a little comforting to know that not all dumpers are happy and carefree after they have dumped us, as that's what I assumed. I didn't think he would find it difficult at all, he was clear in his mind that we were 'not right for each other' and moved on without a second thought. To think there is - or was- a tiny chance that he may have felt upset about it all makes me feel slightly less worthless.