Not invited to Girlfriend's friends party

[Silly_Girl]

Oh, holy ****, your partner bought some nice clothes to wear to a party?! **** that! Time to fly off the handle and demand the "hot" clothes only be worn around you, and you alone. Why should he want to look nice in front of others?? You're the only person who matters.

 

Maybe you didn't read the post/thread. Never mind.

[ChatroomHero]

Bottom line is you know something bad is up and you know your gf. One thing I have learned in life is if you are dating someone and something seems odd, it is because something is odd.

It would not be hard for her put you at ease if what she was saying is true. I bet the more you question her, the less convincing answers you get, likely her reasons are a little more sketchy each time and multiple reasons why you can't go will be thrown out there.

Push long enough and you'd get answers like:

"Well even if you went you would have to drive and wouldn't have fun because you couldn't drink."

"I don't even know if I want to stay long anyway, sometimes those people get on my nerves".

"If you went we would have to buy another gift, you can save your money".

"If I started hanging with my friends you would be bored and not know many people and I don't want you to have to hang around and be bored"....

 

The fact she wants you to drop her off is a bit of an insult. The worst part is you would drop her off and wait up all night until she called you to pick her up, and I would expect there is a 50-50 chance she would not call and 'someone' (read strange dude), would drop her off and then you'd get the excuses why she didn't call/text/return your calls when you started to worry, and then you'd get the, "I didn't want to wake you", "My phone was in my purse", "I sent a text it must not have gone through because I had a bad signal at the party"....bs.

If any of this sounds plausible like you wouldn't be shocked if those were her responses, you know as well as I do her "hotness" is kicking your better judgment's ass and you need to make a decision with the upper brain. If I am way off and you couldn't imagine her being like that, maybe I am wrong...but then again just the fact you posted on here kind of implies I might be pretty close.

[NoMagicBullet]

I'd be equally upset about this if I were in your shoes, whatssa. You've been together for a year now, and it's normal to expect that you'd be coming along to this party. It's normal to expect her to want you to be there, too. The GF's excuses sound like so much BS.

 

Unless it's a wedding reception, a formal dinner party, or expressly limited to the invited, I don't think it's rude for someone to ask, if only to clarify, if significant others are welcome to attend -- on the contrary, it's an adult thing to do. The hostess knows you exist, so I don't see why your GF wasn't adult enough to even inquire about bringing you with her. She involved you in dress shopping, expects you to drive, etc, but says you can't come? Who does she think you are, her dad? Or is she much younger than you, so maybe she does see you this way, in addition to being insensitive and immature about this situation?

 

I don't know what's up with your GF, but it's come down to her choosing between her boyfriend and a party, and she chose the party. Regardless of her motivations for doing so, this does not bode well for your relationship, nor does her denial of it being a problem. Plus the communication problems.

[melodymatters]

This is some of the craziest shyte I've ever heard !?!

 

They have been together a year, they are nearly 30 yrs old, it is a mixed company, bring your own booze event.

 

There is NO WAY this party throwing girl is such a control freak that the only people to enter her door that night have already been "pre-approved". Have any of you ever been to a party, lol ?!? Unless it is a close gathering with a specific purpose, a "Party" is just that. I would EXPECT my friends to not only bring their partners, but who ever damn well else they felt like bringing to this sort of event.

 

I am a long time poster and I really, really try to see all angles and not be too judgmental when people share their stories, but to me this is far from a yellow flag, more like a "Cherry red convertible on fire", RED FLAG. There is totally someone coming to that party that the GF at least wants to "feel out".

 

If in a monogamous relationship ( which you are) I would NEVER hurt my partners feelings for a stupid party, I couldn't even BEGIN to enjoy myself. She is hurting you to not possibly offend a " not even close friend" by saying , Hey do you mind if I bring my BF ? REALLY !?! My H and I have cut off FAMILY members who didn't show respect for our relationship.

 

Something is rotten in Denmark...

[ChatroomHero]

There is totally someone coming to that party that the GF at least wants to "feel out".

 

Funny, I was going to say I would bet my next paycheck someone his GF used to date or had a huge thing for that is part of that group is going to be there. She is trying to look hot for a reason.

 

If that guy had rejected her in the past or didn't quite work out, it might even be the real reason his GF no longer hangs out with that certain crowd.

 

If I were whatssa, I would not want to have my head spin over it. If I felt like he did to the point it caused arguments I would call the hostess or facebook her or whatever and ask in an unassuming way if I was invited.

Edited August 2, 2012 by ChatroomHero

[udolipixie]

It seems you weren't invited or wanted by the host of the party and rather than be concerned that you aren't spending time with your gf or that a friend of yours dislikes you to that extent you're upset because you were "looking forward to standing next to my gf in that amazing dress knowing that guys wished they were me".

 

To me this isn't a relationship issue or an issue of respect on your girlfriend's part rather your own issue of being insecure and needing reassurance. Though that may be because I'm not seeing her going to a party without you having significance as many people in relationships don't feel the need to go to every function with each other. Some like having guy's night out, gal's night out, or going to mixed company hangouts/gatherings.

[Coil]

This situation does sound fishy. I would love to hear how all this pans out in the end, please keep us posted / updated!

 

Lots of bad signs if you ask me.

[whatssa]

You guys have really put the seeds of doubt in my head now. I'm am now very worried and imaging scenarios. But it is also interesting how some posters see me as being insecure and not seeing what the deal is. I respect this oppossing view point and find it very interesting because they have a different view to most and they just might think on the same exact lines as my GF. I'm sorry but I cannot help but feel insecure about this. I am also dreading the Facebook photos after the party, its like rubbing it all in my face. Ohh look at you standing next to all those guys you said were so nice and kept you company at the party. Such nice guys! Ohh they don't know I exist?

 

I won't be driving her or texting her that night. The funny thing is because she isn't close friends with anyone there she will have to drive herself and won't be able to drink. She has also said she doesn't know who she will talking to or be hanging around with at the party. I won't lie, I hope she has a miserable night. The sucky thing is my car broke down a couple of days ago (I would have been driving her to the party in her car) and it's at the mechanic and I just cleaned out my bank account to basically rebuild the entire engine. I'm stuck at home and she knows it this weekend.

 

Most of you are right. It doesn't bode well for our relationship. You want your partner to back you even if they think you are wrong.

 

Words can't describe how peeved I am with my GF. She usually stays the night, as she did last night after my my recent posting. She apologised for getting angry when we dicussed the topic. I explained something along the lines of "its ok, we just need to communicate better" She agreed... then I said "I've just been feeling like you don't want me there because you are embarrassed of me". She then replied "Don't talk about it anymore because you are being out of line, I have told you that you are not invited and I am starting to get angry again".

 

Well that set it off.., I proceeded to explain the views I had stated here and the views of other posters and most people in the world about this situation (without accusations). She flew off the handle again. She said that her friends were different to my friends and I should just understand that. They don't expect peoples partners to come to their parties and my GF would be angry if this girls bf came to hers. Saying I was making problems in the relationship where problems didn't need to exist. She kept talking about it being her friends party and I was rude for expecting to go. But I made certain to explain it wasn't her friend I was concerned with but her. That I just wanted her to understand how weird it was and give a damn and be annoyed with the situation. In her angry mood she said "I don't want you there because you piss me off like this" and "it doesn't matter what you say because you are not going". She is also a serial doomsday preacher. She will say she is sick of me and the relationship, done with everything, its over etc. I ignore this. She does it to me every fight and she does it to everyone every fight including family. She knows it too. She also knows I don't stand for it and say every time "ok". She flies off the handle in arguments and although you may say that is a "red flag", most of the time things get resolved this way. My GF can go to sleep angry as hell and wake up and say sorry like she was the Incredible Hulk the night before. It is often then we fix things.

 

However, I feel so hurt that she doesn't understand me on this. She doesn't even want to see where I am coming from. Similar things like this have happened in the past where she doesn't seem to respect my feelings on a particular situation. The thing is we never have fights like this in reverse. It's not because I am a perfect BF and do no wrong. When she gets upset, I listen and do something to make her feel at ease. However, when I have a problem with her she forgets this and states that it is always me who has the problems with her and I should be more like her and not overthink things. So now I am in a predicament where it is upto me to get over it by myself. She isn't going to help me or reassure me.

 

The question is how do I deal with this situation right now? She thinks I am being rude and I think she is being rude. I really want a display of force (no i dont mean physical violence!) I mean I want to stamp my foot in the ground and demand respect. She is in contact with me today like nothing is wrong. She wants to go to this party and everything be happy like normal. She knows that I know that its just a party after all and I will have to get over it eventually. I don't expect her not to go, but I want her to feel like crap about this thing. I want her to go there and realise what a total mistake she has made, leave early and apoligise to me. Routine states she will be over again tonight but I don't feel like being nice.

[phineas]

Dude, what you just typed is almost the exact situation with I was in with my now ex-wife.

She was cheating.

 

You should look up the definition of gas-lighting.

 

There is some guy there she is interested in.

There is no logical reason a BF wasn't allowed at a party unless he was a thug or it was ALL women.

 

who throws a party but specifically excludes half the couple?

Nobody i've ever known & if such a thing did happen that person would decline the invite because if their significant other isn't welcome than neither are they.

 

I sure as hell wouldn't ask them to be my taxi service so I could get drunk & later use that as my excuse for hooking up with someone.

[danm]

Well, I will join the bandwagon and say this weekend I too am in a similar situation to the original posters' shoes - so let's compare outcomes on Sunday! I've only been with this girl a shade over 3 months.

 

My girlfriend isn't just going to a single party and coming home. Oh no. She is going to stay with her best uni friend (female) and also see her old uni friends across Friday-Sunday including a BBQ at a guys house who confessed his undying love to her at uni; a night out with her best friend where I was read aloud a txt that theyre playing 'barsexual' ie scamming guys for free drinks; followed by a sunday afternoon drink with her old married bar job boss/friend who she tells me she once gave a blowjob to.

 

Not to hijack his thread, but I too will be ****ting bricks ALL WEEKEND wondering all sorts of things.

 

At the end of the day, girls will be girls. Boys will be boys.

 

If you tell them no, they will be pushed away and most definitely do the opposite. If you say nothing, they will walk all over you. So how do you win!?

 

I too am not happy I wasn't invited to have the fun with her. Worse that I know she doesn't normally drink and will be reliving her high life at uni.

 

But what can I do? Sit and worry; or be thankful she's told me this much, and afterwards, tell her how much id like to be involved next time.

 

Totally get why you'd worry. Don't let people brush you off as insecure - it isn't, its a natural reaction. Just ride it out.

 

At the end of the day, if something bad happens, it was gonna happen regardless because shes gone to this much effort to set it up. If so, you are better off knowing now.

 

But I like to think innocent until proven guilty. Its hard, but you HAVE to be that way. Girls really appreciate trust. Let her go. Kick up a fuss after, she will be feeling much more guilty when she returns about leaving you, and you will be far more likely to get your view across once the event is over.

 

Girls want you to be all protective, but also not controlling. Be trusting, let her go, then play the protective card.

 

Hope your wait isn't as hard as mine will be. I am dreading it no end.

[Emilia]

But what can I do? Sit and worry; or be thankful she's told me this much, and afterwards, tell her how much id like to be involved next time.

 

Totally get why you'd worry. Don't let people brush you off as insecure - it isn't, its a natural reaction. Just ride it out.

 

At the end of the day, if something bad happens, it was gonna happen regardless because shes gone to this much effort to set it up. If so, you are better off knowing now.

 

But I like to think innocent until proven guilty. Its hard, but you HAVE to be that way. Girls really appreciate trust. Let her go. Kick up a fuss after, she will be feeling much more guilty when she returns about leaving you, and you will be far more likely to get your view across once the event is over.

 

Girls want you to be all protective, but also not controlling. Be trusting, let her go, then play the protective card.

 

Hope your wait isn't as hard as mine will be. I am dreading it no end.

 

Why would you date someone who doesn't take your feelings into consideration? There are plenty of girls who aren't trashy like your girlfriend and who don't give married men blow jobs.

 

If you mix with trash, you end up on the rubbish heap. Only yourself to blame

[ChatroomHero]

It really sounds like my ex as well, things just wouldn't add up and then she had a knack of being completely dishonest and I always ended up feeling like I was overreacting.

 

Her best friend I have known for years knew how she was and was very candid with me and from her and others I learned not only was I right on, but I was underreacting. Had I not gotten the truth from them, to this day I would have thought I was insecure. There is a big difference between actually being insecure and FEELING insecure based on things you see.

 

Since it has gone this far and you've had the fights, is there anyone else going to the party potentially with a +1 that you know or do you know the hostess well enough to find out if it was an exclusive invite?

 

The telling part of your last post is when after your fight you mention she said something like... that's why she didn't want you around at the party anyway...so which is it, you weren't invited or she didn't want you at the party? She was being honest in the heat of the moment and I think gave you the real reason, not that you weren't invited, but she didn't want you there. Which makes her dishonest in the first place and the true cause of your insecure feelings.

[AH1990]

...

If you tell them no, they will be pushed away and most definitely do the opposite. If you say nothing, they will walk all over you. So how do you win!?

...

 

YOU LEAVE THEM!!!

 

Any guy/girl with a SMIDGEN of respect for their partner would NOT GO TO THE PARTY!

 

If my gf tried that on me, I'd just tell her not to worry about coming back.

 

In relationships there has to be balance and compromise. My ex-gf used to invite me to party's all the time. She knew 100% that I don't party/get drunk etc etc. But yet she still invited me. And she did so out of self-respect. There were times I would go and times I wouldn't. Same goes for her. I would invite her out with my friends to go hiking, rock climbing, mountain biking and she would decline some times, and accept other times.

 

If I ever got invited to a party and the 'host' told me that I can't invite my 'partner', I'd tell them to shove it up their a$$. Don't tell me who I can and can't invite. We are a couple, you invite one, the other can come too.

 

Maybe just phone the host of the party and ask her how with the attitude she has, how does she have that many friends to invite to a party? Or is it just a bunch of random people that she has never met before and they only reason why they are coming is because they haven't seen how big of a b***h she can be?

 

As for the OP, this is a really good thing. Because, the trash is taking itself out.

 

Sorry, my rant is over. I can get a little bit pissy with situations where one side of the relationship thinks they can control the other.

[mortensorchid]

That is really strange. Why exactly are you not to go to this party?

[NoMagicBullet]

... "its ok, we just need to communicate better" She agreed... then I said "I've just been feeling like you don't want me there because you are embarrassed of me". She then replied "Don't talk about it anymore because you are being out of line, I have told you that you are not invited and I am starting to get angry again".

 

Well that set it off.., I proceeded to explain the views I had stated here and the views of other posters and most people in the world about this situation (without accusations). She flew off the handle again. She said that her friends were different to my friends and I should just understand that. They don't expect peoples partners to come to their parties and my GF would be angry if this girls bf came to hers. Saying I was making problems in the relationship where problems didn't need to exist. She kept talking about it being her friends party and I was rude for expecting to go. But I made certain to explain it wasn't her friend I was concerned with but her. That I just wanted her to understand how weird it was and give a damn and be annoyed with the situation. In her angry mood she said "I don't want you there because you piss me off like this" and "it doesn't matter what you say because you are not going". She is also a serial doomsday preacher. She will say she is sick of me and the relationship, done with everything, its over etc. I ignore this. She does it to me every fight and she does it to everyone every fight including family. She knows it too. She also knows I don't stand for it and say every time "ok". She flies off the handle in arguments and although you may say that is a "red flag", most of the time things get resolved this way. My GF can go to sleep angry as hell and wake up and say sorry like she was the Incredible Hulk the night before. It is often then we fix things.

 

However, I feel so hurt that she doesn't understand me on this. She doesn't even want to see where I am coming from. Similar things like this have happened in the past where she doesn't seem to respect my feelings on a particular situation. The thing is we never have fights like this in reverse. It's not because I am a perfect BF and do no wrong. When she gets upset, I listen and do something to make her feel at ease. However, when I have a problem with her she forgets this and states that it is always me who has the problems with her and I should be more like her and not overthink things. So now I am in a predicament where it is upto me to get over it by myself. She isn't going to help me or reassure me.

 

Whatssa, look at what you've written. If that was a friend of yours talking about their SO, what would you tell them? I hope it would be something like: "You don't need this crap. She doesn't care about your feeling or concerns. She constantly blames you. She doesn't respect you as her boyfriend. She acts like an immature brat, then expects you to just forgive her and go back to happy times. KICK HER TO THE F'ING CURB!!!"

 

She's terribly immature. If she's invested in this relationship at all -- and I don't think she is, I think you are an accessory to her, like a purse -- she doesn't know how to manage a relationship like an adult. And she'll never learn if you keep accepting this crap and "working things out" when she's been a selfish b***h.

 

You never said how old she is. I'm guessing she's 23 or under? There seems to be this trend with people in their 20s, especially the early 20s, in thinking it's okay to get snuggly with people who are "just friends" when you have an SO, keep in contact with exes as "friends" and hang out with them, believing that all this somehow makes them good, mature people who have healthy relationships, and then accuse the SO of being insecure, controlling, etc. You know what? It's BS. Healthy relationships have clear boundaries about what is appropriate behaviour, and a good deal of respect and empathy for the concerns of the other. Pardon my rant, but there are a few different threads on LS with this theme running through them.

 

Anyway, this girl shows no desire to change her behaviour to make this relationship work with you. You're the one doing the heavy lifting to keep it going. Next time she decides to "end" the relationship, actually do it. Don't take her back. Don't be that welcoming doormat after she's been out at this party.

 

 

There is a big difference between actually being insecure and FEELING insecure based on things you see.

 

So very true. If you feel insecure, whatssa, she's done plenty of things to give you legitimate reason to feel insecure. Based on her actions, your relationship is not at all secure.

[sally4sara]

If a friend of mine invited me to a party, I would assume I was to bring whomever I wanted as my date. If the friend insisted I couldn't bring my husband, they would be no friend of mine any longer.

 

You're girl is up to some dirt and it takes quite a bit for me to say that as I really do try to look at all sides of a situation. She either won't stand up to her friend for you or her friend made no such request and she is interested in someone at the party. Both scenarios are dump worthy.

[It's Just Me]

Agree with Sally, Melody, and whoever else thinks that this makes no sense. Your GF isn't looking very good right now. To my eye, she's either:

 

A) Really stupid to not see the hurtful social gaffe going on or

B) Very calculating and doesn't want you there.

 

Neither one is good, and I'm getting mad just thinking about it. This is a pull-the-plug offense in my books; I'd be done.

[fortyninethousand322]

OP disappear for the weekend. Go get a hotel room. Rent some movies. Get a few beers. Turn off your cellphone. Don't come home till Sunday night. Don't give her any explanation as to where u were. Also take this time to figure out if you want to be with her.

 

This. And/or the strip club idea someone else had. At the very least OP don't drive her there or pick her up. You don't want to offend the host of the party, she might not like a stranger's car driving nearby.

[danm]

So, what happened!?