Wife serves me the news while in China

[Shundeez]

Cant believe I've stumbled across this site. Having read so many other peoples issues its good to know I'm not alone.

 

 

Here's my story, I'll try keep it short......

 

I get a call from my wife two weeks ago saying that she thinks the marriage is over. She has thought long and hard and is not in love with me any more. She loves me but not in love. She has been unhappy for some time and cannot see us ever being happy again.

 

Now, I am in China when I got the call. I am 4 months into a 1 year contract out here to set up businesses for a global internet company. The news was like a sledgehammer, but I did play it cool and said, "Yes I agree something is not right"

 

We have a 3 year old daughter and an 8 month old baby and cannot fathom why the hell she would want to do this now, let alone her reasons. Now before anyone thinks I am a bad husband and father for leaving them, we spoke at length about this move to China before I went and she assured me it would be fine for only a year. I would see them every two months anyway and to assist while I'm away I bought a bigger 5 bedroom house for them to move into close to her sister and employed a live in Nanny to help look after the kids. She also wanted to go back to work to give her something to do. I gave her all the support I could considering the situation.

 

She has been on her own thinking about things and brewing over our relationship on her own and talking to two friends that are having husband/boyfriend issues themselves. So i can imagine they are telling each other everything they want to hear.

 

On hearing the news I flew back to the UK immediately to try get some information and try get her back as I am still madly in love with her and do not want my kids to grow up in a split family like I did.

 

It turns out that I am too controlling and don't express my emotions enough. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her. I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

 

I can agree with all of this (instead of me being too clever for her -she is very smart) and feel like an idiot for not trying to do something about it. I have my faults and made many mistakes. But she is not even willing to try sort it out, go to counselling or anything. She wants the divorce and that's it.

 

This is such a shock, can I try get her back or is this it?

[karnak]

It turns out that I am too controlling and don't express my emotions enough. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her. I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

 

 

What a load of bull**** she's serving you.

 

Sorry, mate. But I consider this marriage to be dead and gone. And (as you probably suspect already) there is another man in the horizon.

 

Maybe she's not cheating on you. But she probably is interested in another guy. And your absence is the perfect excuse to make the jump.

 

I could be perfectly wrong. But I suspect I'm not.

 

Hang in there, man. You have to be strong for your kids.

[january2011]

It turns out that I am too controlling and don't express my emotions enough. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her. I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

 

I'm also calling BS and suspect the involvement of a third party. Her "complaints" are all things that she has seemingly tolerated for the 3+ years that you've been together.

 

Nonetheless, if she refuses any attempt to save the marriage then your hands are tied. I think you need to speak to a lawyer to find out where you stand legally.

[Shundeez]

thanks guys. I thought the same thing and probably still do. But I confronted her about it and she swears blind that is not the case. I know I shouldn't believe what she's saying right now but I just cant see it. Dunno perhaps I'm being ignorant.

 

The fact she does not want to even try, with a young family at stake, does not fill me with confidence she is not having an A. Either that or she is so certain its over.

I wont give up though. we will both regret this in the future if we dont even give it a go. I can feel it.

Problem is I cant talk to her about it and try get her to see other options as she's convinced everything I say is just me trying to control the situation and get her to change her mind. Which is apparently what I've been doing for years.

 

So everything I say she doesn't trust and hears the total opposite.

[Shundeez]

thanks January, we've been together for 15 years, married for 7 of them.

[karnak]

It really looks as if there's a 3rd person in the mix.

 

As I stated earlier, she may not be cheating on you. But it seems she's got her mind set on "jumping ship" and finding something which lies outside of your marriage.

 

And considering how keen she is (specially if you have little kids) she probably knows exactly what she's looking for.

[karnak]

I thought the same thing and probably still do. But I confronted her about it and she swears blind that is not the case. I know I shouldn't believe what she's saying right now but I just cant see it. Dunno perhaps I'm being ignorant.

 

 

Pay special attention to the subject above.

 

If she is indeed having an affair (let's hope not) and she's lying to you, then it means she has lost all respect for you and is using you as a pawn.

If so kick her ass out of your life. Life has taught you that someone who can lie in such a manner is not and never was a good person to begin with.

 

I had a woman in my life whose entire life was a sort of "fiction". And, yes, she would say the most awful lies, while swearing them to be true (and even crying).

 

ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

[TaraMaiden]

I'm kinda thinking it's quite hard for a woman with two young children to find the time to have an affair... even with a live-in nanny - how many excuses can you give a nanny before they begin to smell a rat - and is she working, by the way?

I'm not saying what she's done is right, but there are many marriages which are not all firing on all cylinders and the couples still make love... it's just an unvoiced dissatisfaction - and so much easier to tell you long-distance than to your face - especially if, as you seem to agree,

 

It turns out that I am too controlling and don't express my emotions enough. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her. I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

And remember, no matter how smart you know she is - this is how you make her feel - even though in your eyes, it's not the case.

 

Yes, it's true - women do find solace and unity in togetherness - but these feelings of hers would not have arisen because of these women - they were already there.

Such discussions do not threaten a sound relationship.

If you two had had a strong marriage - the thought would not have entered her head, no matter what THEIR troubles were.

 

Women tend to make their minds up irreversibly because they completely lack faith that changes will happen - and even by then, it's too late - the damage is done, and they've reached the point of no return. Frankly, they don't want to return; why should they?

If 'you've' been like this for a long time, what proof can 'you' provide in a relatively short space of time that it will all never happen again? (I'm using the term 'you' generically, here....)

Women throw in the towel when they don't believe their partner can ever change.

 

Has there never been any hint on her part at all, any indication, any small, seemingly-insignificant clue - that she wasn't happy with you at all? Was there something you could have picked up on, some subtle change in her behaviour, some shift in attitude....

Think about it.....

[Shundeez]

yes I agree. if it turns out there is another man its definitely over. not so much due to the A but rather due to the lie. For a person to lie after all of this, after we discussed so much this week, is pure evil and not to be trusted ever again.

 

Her rep among family and friends would be destroyed. Only thing is she's just not like that but if turns out she is, and anything is possible, I'll be calling the most aggressive lawyer money can buy.

 

I hope this is not the case though as I would really like to try make this work

[karnak]

If there isn't any infidelity involved then your marriage is just going through a crisis and, sooner or later, your wife will come to her senses (if you're indeed a decent man, that is). If such is the case then keep being true to yourself and don't loose your cool. Thing will get back together.

 

 

But if there is an affair... BOOM - Game Over... bury your marriage, focus on your kids and move on with life.

 

I honestly hope we're dealing with the first case here.

 

Regardless, stay calm and dedicate your attention towards your kids. You can't change a woman's head... NEVER! Just stay calm and wait for things to unfold. Whatever must happen will happen.

Edited August 2, 2012 by karnak

[Shundeez]

Hi Tara,

 

What you say makes absolute sense. I agree her friends are not the cause, i never considered that, i get along with them very well. Things were not good before she had her conversations with them - I only included that info as i dont think its helping the situation in terms of me trying to turn things around or get her to at least try.

 

I am decent guy (i think), never cheated, always supported her financially and emotionally where possible, we have a close knit group of friends that care about us and would hate to pick sides, but we're I've fallen down is that I battle to show her the emotional support she craves or paid any attention to her desires and wishes. I'm head strong and driven, she's relaxed and care free.

I'm a typical male who hides his feelings and buries his head in the sand hoping all is ok.

 

We had a wobble a year ago when she was pregnant with our second. We got through it (i thought) and decided not to go to counselling as we fealt we were in a good place and both agreed her feelings were due to hormones as she had a terrible pregnancy.

 

I'm not saying I can change, I have never said that to her - people dont change, But the can learn - especially self control when it comes to my needs over hers.

 

And at the same time we both need to be accepting of each other characters.

 

I just need some time to discuss this with her, but its all closed shop at the moment. Perhaps I should give her time and try again later?

[Shundeez]

thanks karnak. your words of confidence are really helping. Its great to feel that I'm not the only one that has hope. Understanding what is going on at the moment is extremely challenging when I'm in China, a very foreign land, millions of miles away from any family, friends or support network.

 

She has support being back home, but being the male i presume I'm expected to tough it out.

 

Its a tough one, even if I can get her to try, how the hell do we do that when I'm on the other side of the world with different time zones?

[Balzac]

Sorry for your misery. To me the most glaring question is why now? If she's set up for the year contract, new home, nanny, sister&friends close, what does she gain? Visits you make every 8 weeks still include your shared children.

 

Is her goal to have the divorce over prior to your return? Is her returning to work a consideration toward financial support to maintain the house post divorce?

 

Why not have told you in person on your next visit?

[Shundeez]

We were planning a family holiday to Bali for two weeks in September. She didnt want me to spend all that money and we go on this fantastic holiday and she breaks the news then. So she says.

 

She was always going to return to work, that was the plan.

 

Why she couldn't wait until my next visit I have no idea. Perhaps she couldn't hold it in anymore, wanted to get the weight off her shoulder and try move on in life.

[Balzac]

Even in high asset divorces there are financial consequences. My sincere recommendation to you is that you begin the process of getting the finances into place. Engage an attorney and wait for the other shoe to drop.

Your obligations are self and children. She's employed and should she file for divorce can consult with her own financial planner.

 

Getting a plan now does not mean you are seeking the divorce.

Tough to imagine two such young children but you cannot spend your energy focused on your wife's reasons, current or past. She has pulled the trigger and you are compelled to take heed.

[Shundeez]

The thought of getting such things into place have not even crossed my mind. Perhaps I have been blocking it out in denial, in fact I know I have. But sound advise, thanks, its never too early I suppose.

 

from your comments and what little info I have shared I presume you think its over?

 

Why do I have such hope? Perhaps because we haven't explored any options yet and I know there are so many out there.

[Balzac]

What I think is that one can live in hope, strive for change and hope for a positive outcome. At that same time, a wise warrior prepares for battle. In this case you have some time as you are working and must have some degree of time to devote. Stressful as geographic distance can be, you are not faced with heightened emotions, two babies and friends. Use this time, prior to the upcoming visit to get some strategy and necessary information into place.

 

Searching out the most capable lawyer is not generally a singular phone call.

Meeting in person requires planning for you.

 

You're intelligent, you can run parallel missions. Strive to maintain an open mind but prepare. This is all newly developed. Your wife's demand requires your preparation but you have no reason to file, give her time but prepare.

 

I'm sorry for your agony. Often when faced with such a task we come into clear view of our feelings. Give yourself tasks and time.

[mark982]

going to have to start making it tuff on her,she's use to your money--now make it difficult..fire the nanny,give her on what the kids need,,,nothing else...dose of reality,and a shark lawyer.

[Shundeez]

ok so it seems I need to start the ball rolling with getting professional advise, just in case this will go to the end.

 

Any suggestions on how I can pull this back? or is it when a woman makes up her mind that is it? Any woman here that can answer?

 

I've read Homers book and looked up 180 but it all seems very dangerous that stuff and can backfire?

[Shundeez]

Some progress...

 

So I am now back in China. I decided to get on the plane and head back to give her the space she requested. We left it that she wants to think about things but still thinks the divorce in inevitable. Whatever that means.

 

She says she wants to go to therapy alone first and then we can make a call on the marriage. I think she is in a dark place and does not know it and perhaps wants to find out if there is anything inside her that is making her feel this way.

 

I don't really know what to make of this. Part of me thinks she is just giving me time to accept her decision and just wanted me to head back to China as she couldn't take the heavy talks anymore. The other part of me thinks she really is reconsidering ....

 

The problem is how can we ever try make this work if we are a million miles apart. How do I play this one. Do we speak daily to discuss moving foward, do we keep our distance and only talk occasionally. When we chat what do we speak about.

 

I have no idea what she is thinking and am due to speak to her tomorrow. What do I say. Do we talk about what we are doing next about this marriage, trying or quitting? Do I pretend to be happy and just talk about the weather and avoid our issues??

 

hmmm, I am very close to trying the 180 or the Homer method but think this may back fire?? thoughts anyone?

[TaraMaiden]

Insist on joint counselling also.

Otherwise, if she wants out of this marriage, ask her what arrangements she's making to bring that about?

Because it's only fair to let her know you are taking legal advice.

 

Make it real.

Make her see, this is not a time for mind-games.

[Radu]

You don't seem to have a financial problem and i suspect you went to China for quite a big bonus, why not hire a PI while she does her IC ?

[Shundeez]

I would relish joint counselling but getting her to agree and then doing it when we are worlds apart is a challenge. I suppose we could do via skype.

I need to talk to her again, will happen today, to see where she is with this whole thing before I mention legal advise etc. I will let her know my intentions as soon as I am clear what she is thinking and doing about this whole thing.

 

Radu, I presume the PI would be to confirm any infidelity. I'm not sure I want to know, it would help I suppose in terms of accepting what is going on and thus be able to move forward and put all this behind me as quickly as possible.

 

If I can prove infidelity will this help in court at all?

[Shundeez]

so spoke to the W last night. It started as quite a good chat, both laughing talking of events etc.

 

I finished off the conversation by saying that we should not put any pressure on each other or try convince the other about a certain point of view. That is what got us in this mess in the first place.We both agreed to not talk about "issues" then I mentioned the other thing that got us in this mess was not communicating effectively or frequently enough and we should at least comm a few times a weak either vie email, text or phone. She agreed.

 

It then got quite heavy after that. We both said we were going to therapy individually, she mentioned she was doing it for her so she would be better after our divorce. I agree that she should do that but that hurt like a bullet to the heart. If we're both trying to be better people why not see what happens after if we do become better. It could be so good. And if it doesnt work and its still sh8t, then we both know and we end it amicably.

 

Why is she giving up so easily? Going to all these lengths to make herself better but not want to make the marriage better. Why the sudden bombshell in terms of "end this marriage now". I don't get it and while I don't understand I cannot give her this divorce without a fight.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd bet she's cheating.