Wife serves me the news while in China

[2sunny]

She's set on divorce because she's interested in another man.

 

Divert your paycheck and sell the house. Move any additional and available funds to your name only. Close her credit cards unless she is paying for them only.

 

In other words - start hitting her hard with the reality of what life is going to be like when she doesn't have all the conveniences YOU have been providing her. When she belly aches and cries do not give in.

 

Make her uncomfortable! HER choices have consequences - just tell her since she wants the D - she needs to learn what it's like without your support.

 

Stop making this decision easy for her. She needs to see how hard life is without your money.

[Shundeez]

I have said it before, there is a possibility she has had an A or wants to have one. Physically or emotionally and I do believe this is the main reason for this whole thing. But what is it about woman that when they need a change in their lives they go for the big one. Massive generalisation there but a hint if accuracy.

 

I have also thought of cutting off the lifeline but I have kids that need food and a decent place to stay etc. if I cut off the finances she will be forced to file the D sooner and she,ll get half anyway. So i am kinda screwed regardless.

 

I do think I need to stop pushing though. And start pulling away.

[Owl]

You're pulling away should include proactively starting the divorce in order to protect yourself and your children.

 

As far as whether or not infidelity has anything to do with the outcome of the divorce...that depends on where the divorce is filed.

 

Different states, different countries...all have different divorce laws. Find out what those laws are for the state/country where your wife is living at right now, and do the same for where you're currently living. Consult an attorney, and see if you can file for divorce in whichever location is most advantageous to you.

 

Personally...I say give her what she wants. There's no value in trying to "keep" a woman who doesn't want to be with you anymore. Let her have her freedom...let her see what life without you in it is like. You take all the measures you need to in order to protect your children from her choices...but let her suffer her own consequences.

[whichwayisup]

Cant believe I've stumbled across this site. Having read so many other peoples issues its good to know I'm not alone.

 

 

Here's my story, I'll try keep it short......

 

I get a call from my wife two weeks ago saying that she thinks the marriage is over. She has thought long and hard and is not in love with me any more. She loves me but not in love. She has been unhappy for some time and cannot see us ever being happy again.

 

Now, I am in China when I got the call. I am 4 months into a 1 year contract out here to set up businesses for a global internet company. The news was like a sledgehammer, but I did play it cool and said, "Yes I agree something is not right"

 

We have a 3 year old daughter and an 8 month old baby and cannot fathom why the hell she would want to do this now, let alone her reasons. Now before anyone thinks I am a bad husband and father for leaving them, we spoke at length about this move to China before I went and she assured me it would be fine for only a year. I would see them every two months anyway and to assist while I'm away I bought a bigger 5 bedroom house for them to move into close to her sister and employed a live in Nanny to help look after the kids. She also wanted to go back to work to give her something to do. I gave her all the support I could considering the situation.

 

She has been on her own thinking about things and brewing over our relationship on her own and talking to two friends that are having husband/boyfriend issues themselves. So i can imagine they are telling each other everything they want to hear.

 

On hearing the news I flew back to the UK immediately to try get some information and try get her back as I am still madly in love with her and do not want my kids to grow up in a split family like I did.

 

It turns out that I am too controlling and don't express my emotions enough. She cannot relate to me on an intellectual basis as she thinks I am too clever for her. I am always right, which makes her always wrong.

 

I can agree with all of this (instead of me being too clever for her -she is very smart) and feel like an idiot for not trying to do something about it. I have my faults and made many mistakes. But she is not even willing to try sort it out, go to counselling or anything. She wants the divorce and that's it.

 

This is such a shock, can I try get her back or is this it?

 

It's such a shame that she wants to give up without the both of you seeking marriage counselling to try to work through this and keep the family together. With two young kids, they deserve a home with two parents together..

[whichwayisup]

Why is she giving up so easily? Going to all these lengths to make herself better but not want to make the marriage better. Why the sudden bombshell in terms of "end this marriage now". I don't get it and while I don't understand I cannot give her this divorce without a fight.

 

I really hate to bring this up, but I'm sure others probably have..She could have met someone else..Pushing a D because (sorry) she's pregnant with another man's baby? Never say never...

 

Sorry this is happening to you and it sucks she's put this on you when you're so far away.

[lifegoal]

thanks guys. I thought the same thing and probably still do. But I confronted her about it and she swears blind that is not the case. I know I shouldn't believe what she's saying right now but I just cant see it. Dunno perhaps I'm being ignorant.

 

The fact she does not want to even try, with a young family at stake, does not fill me with confidence she is not having an A. Either that or she is so certain its over.

I wont give up though. we will both regret this in the future if we dont even give it a go. I can feel it.

Problem is I cant talk to her about it and try get her to see other options as she's convinced everything I say is just me trying to control the situation and get her to change her mind. Which is apparently what I've been doing for years.

 

So everything I say she doesn't trust and hears the total opposite.

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Therapist seems to be the first thing to try when people have problems in a relationships. But the thing is if a person is not in love with his/her partner, the therapist really can't help anything. People's feeling for a person may change over time from being in love to out of love. Don't confront her if there is any third party. Number 1, if there is a third party, obviously she is in love with the third party, your action can not pull her back but push her farther away. number 2 ,if there is no third party(do you have any clue?), your confrontation can only make things worse.

 

You can tell if she is still in love with you by recalling your sex life. Was she making love with you or to you ?was she making love with her body or with her soul? You can see her love in her eyes if she is in love with you.

It is true to keep a union family for kids, but if either parents is not happy, it may not be a good thing for the kids. think about it folks.

[lifegoal]

ok so it seems I need to start the ball rolling with getting professional advise, just in case this will go to the end.

 

Any suggestions on how I can pull this back? or is it when a woman makes up her mind that is it? Any woman here that can answer?

 

I've read Homers book and looked up 180 but it all seems very dangerous that stuff and can backfire?

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I suggest you not make it too tough on her. She is your kids mother. Do you really want to see her not be able to survive? Being in a marriege for 3 years with two lovely kids, when it comes to the end, is it really necessary to make your 3-year lovely marriege look like nothing? let her go,she may regret someday that she give up on you, she may thank you someday when she looks back, even though just plano feeling on you , it is better than have one more person hate you in the world.

[lifegoal]

The thought of getting such things into place have not even crossed my mind. Perhaps I have been blocking it out in denial, in fact I know I have. But sound advise, thanks, its never too early I suppose.

 

from your comments and what little info I have shared I presume you think its over?

 

Why do I have such hope? Perhaps because we haven't explored any options yet and I know there are so many out there.

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oh BTW ,are you in Beijing or Shanghai?

[dreamingoftigers]

Btw, (and this isn't meant to sound harsh or be a criticism)

 

But why are you back in China when your family is in severe crisis?

 

Shouldn't the life priority be the family?

[Shundeez]

You're pulling away should include proactively starting the divorce in order to protect yourself and your children.

 

As far as whether or not infidelity has anything to do with the outcome of the divorce...that depends on where the divorce is filed.

 

Different states, different countries...all have different divorce laws. Find out what those laws are for the state/country where your wife is living at right now, and do the same for where you're currently living. Consult an attorney, and see if you can file for divorce in whichever location is most advantageous to you.

 

Personally...I say give her what she wants. There's no value in trying to "keep" a woman who doesn't want to be with you anymore. Let her have her freedom...let her see what life without you in it is like. You take all the measures you need to in order to protect your children from her choices...but let her suffer her own consequences.

 

She's in the Uk, I'm in China, but still a UK national with domicile there (as I am here on contract) so dont think I can file for a divorce while being in China. I could be wrong and will look into it.

 

I agree, if this is what she truly wants then its hers. I won't stop her. I don't want to be in a marriage where the love is only one sided, no point and that's bad for the kids as well.

 

But I'm not sure this is what she actually wants. She suffered badly from pre and post natal depression and is finally coming out of it, has a big house, a car, a live in nanny, is enjoying being back at work and is free to make her own decisions and run her own life without consulting with her husband as he is not around. I think many woman may feel the same way (again presumptious) and she may be drunk on this new found freedom and emancipation and thus making a rash decision.

 

A few weeks before I received the news she was saying how much she misses me and loves me, a few weeks before that she was on the phone crying that she missed me so much. I jumped on a place immediately and headed back for a week to prove I am only 10 hrs away and can be there at the drop of a hat. Everything seemed fine then.

 

Part of me suspects her hormones are still all over the place from the pregnancy (apparently it takes 2 years for hormones to get back to normal after birth).

 

All I am fighting for is a chance to try get things right, to see if we both feel this is the right decision or not.

[Shundeez]

It's such a shame that she wants to give up without the both of you seeking marriage counselling to try to work through this and keep the family together. With two young kids, they deserve a home with two parents together..

 

Thanks wwisup. I agree and that's all I would like to do at this point. Living in a loveless marriage is not right for anyone, especially the kids. This is what I am trying to fathom is the chance to try and put this right, but cant even get that at the moment.

[Shundeez]

I really hate to bring this up, but I'm sure others probably have..She could have met someone else..Pushing a D because (sorry) she's pregnant with another man's baby? Never say never...

 

Sorry this is happening to you and it sucks she's put this on you when you're so far away.

 

No she's definately not P with another mans baby. I can vouch for that.

 

But yes being so far away is a killer. I have thought about packing it all in here and heading back but feel this will make matters worse and drive her further away.

[Shundeez]

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I suggest you not make it too tough on her. She is your kids mother. Do you really want to see her not be able to survive? Being in a marriege for 3 years with two lovely kids, when it comes to the end, is it really necessary to make your 3-year lovely marriege look like nothing? let her go,she may regret someday that she give up on you, she may thank you someday when she looks back, even though just plano feeling on you , it is better than have one more person hate you in the world.

 

Hi Lifegoal. I don't intend to abandon my family. I will never leave her or them in the lurch, with no home, no money etc. I have a good heart and am not a monster.

 

I hav thought many times of giving inn and letting her go. If this is what she truely wants then I will give it to her. No amount of therapy or convincing or changing will help that. I suppose the one thing that is keeping me hanging on is trying. Something we have not done or even looked at.

 

How I break a family up without looking at all the options first. I agree to live unhappily and out of love together is not a reason to stay together, especially for the kids as they will inevitably not be happy either, but they and our past love are a reason to at least try.

[Shundeez]

Btw, (and this isn't meant to sound harsh or be a criticism)

 

But why are you back in China when your family is in severe crisis?

 

Shouldn't the life priority be the family?

 

No harsh words taken. I almost quit my job and did not return. Trust me it was the first thing on my mind to try patch things up.

 

But we spoke and she felt it would be better to have some distance at the moment so she can think things through. Pressure and control is what got me in this mess, I didn't want to push it anymore. I know if I had stayed I probably would have convinced her to try again, but this would have been too soon and against her will, which consequently would not have worked.

 

I went back so the decision she makes is hers and hers alone.

[whichwayisup]

She needs help if she has PPD and isn't well mentally. That frame of mind is messing with her and she isn't thinking straight. I wouldn't do the D until she is in counselling and also on meds, see if that helps things.

 

How long are you away from home? And how long have you been away working, is there any chance of finding something else, or transferring back to your City?

[Shundeez]

She needs help if she has PPD and isn't well mentally. That frame of mind is messing with her and she isn't thinking straight. I wouldn't do the D until she is in counselling and also on meds, see if that helps things.

 

How long are you away from home? And how long have you been away working, is there any chance of finding something else, or transferring back to your City?

 

Sorry PPD?

 

She is going to therapy, on her own. But has said this is to get her right for after the D, not for us. I can only hope that she sees that she has been unhappy not entirely because of me or the marriage, but also because of her being unwell.

 

She has always harbored a lot of guilt and has always been hyper sensitive (from the day we met). Now, that mixed with a person (me) that battles to show emotion and is strong is a recipe for disaster. It leads to a lot of feelings being bunched inside.

 

I'm not saying I am faultless her, but I just want her to see that its not entirely me or the marriage at fault and if she can accept that and start feeling better within herself, perhaps she can find the strength to give it another shot.

 

I have been away 4 months and will be away another 8 months. If I knew there was any hope, just the slightest sliver of light, I'd move back to the UK. But I dont want to give up a good job when there is nothing to go back to (other than my kids,which I will do after the year is up. )

Edited August 10, 2012 by Shundeez

[Alicant310]

MOVE TO LIQUIDATE all your assets and funds NOW Youre in china so none of that income is touchable. leave it in an account abroad.

 

You owe her NADA. Go after 100% custody so that you get 50. you pay no child support.

[Shundeez]

So some conflicting advise here, which is often great as it opens my mind to the options. Many are saying move with the divorce quickly and start preparing for the worst, get a heavy handed lawyer and start preparing financially.

 

Others are saying to be more empathetic with W. So my question to ll those that have been through this.

 

Should I continue trying to get this marriage back on track. Does anyone here have any success stories. Or should I just face facts and file first myself. Hit her like a steam train? I really don't want to do the latter as I still very much cafe for her and love her and don't want to hurt her,even though she has me, in anyway.

[Shundeez]

Spoke to the W last night. I call the kids everyday and read them bed time stories etc then have a brief conversation with her. Its usually short and business like. Currently its school holidays so the nanny is away and she is at home looking after the kids, one of them grizzly due to teething.

 

I notice she's seems down in the dumps and ask whats wrong. She replies "everything" then breaks down into tears. Then hangs up.

 

Perhaps she is feeling the pinch from the lack of support from the nanny. I'm not sure she has thought this through clearly and the implications moving forward on her own.

 

Part of me wants to start putting on the squeeze and start pulling the financial support. Like stopping the credit cards, she pretty much has carte blanche with them. But part of me thinks that would be cruel and impact the kids.

 

I'm going to have to do something, even if its just small. make her see that this is no game.

[standtall]

Dude..she wants you back in the UK with her, not China.

[the ill-made knight]

Dude..she wants you back in the UK with her, not China.

 

I have read through your posts, OP, and honestly, it sounds a lot like your wife is overwhelmed and unhappy with her life. Not with you, but with her life in general. I think it's easy when one is depressed or just unhappy in general with their lives to try to find one singular thing that's the cause. Most people place blame on their relationships, but I think genuinely even if you were to divorce, your wife still would not be happy. I think she's overwhelmed because you have two small children and you are away. Does your wife have any hobbies, close friends/family, etc? Is there any one she can depend on for support while you are away? Does she have any time just to herself to do things she enjoys?

[whichwayisup]

Spoke to the W last night. I call the kids everyday and read them bed time stories etc then have a brief conversation with her. Its usually short and business like. Currently its school holidays so the nanny is away and she is at home looking after the kids, one of them grizzly due to teething.

 

I notice she's seems down in the dumps and ask whats wrong. She replies "everything" then breaks down into tears. Then hangs up.

 

Perhaps she is feeling the pinch from the lack of support from the nanny. I'm not sure she has thought this through clearly and the implications moving forward on her own.

 

Part of me wants to start putting on the squeeze and start pulling the financial support. Like stopping the credit cards, she pretty much has carte blanche with them. But part of me thinks that would be cruel and impact the kids.

 

I'm going to have to do something, even if its just small. make her see that this is no game.

 

PPD - Post Pardum Depression. google it. Sounds like your wife may be suffering from this.

[MuscleCarFan]

PPD - Post Pardum Depression. google it. Sounds like your wife may be suffering from this.

 

I agree with this very much!

[Shundeez]

I have read through your posts, OP, and honestly, it sounds a lot like your wife is overwhelmed and unhappy with her life. Not with you, but with her life in general. I think it's easy when one is depressed or just unhappy in general with their lives to try to find one singular thing that's the cause. Most people place blame on their relationships, but I think genuinely even if you were to divorce, your wife still would not be happy. I think she's overwhelmed because you have two small children and you are away. Does your wife have any hobbies, close friends/family, etc? Is there any one she can depend on for support while you are away? Does she have any time just to herself to do things she enjoys?

 

Fair point and one I have pondered myself. In fact I have mentioned this to her but its fallen on def ears. Then again I can understand why, would you believe a person who says this when they are trying to use any reason under the sun to get you back. When I look back I can see that she was not entirely happy with herself and with the onslaught of kids in two very difficult pregnancies and births can add to any feelings of depression.

[Shundeez]

Ok, Flying out to the UK next weekend to try sort things out, again.

 

Any tips on trying to get her to reconsider and at least try get thos marriage back on track?