Wife serves me the news while in China

[karnak]

Be confident.

 

Be gentle.

 

Be firm (don't take no bull****).

 

Be respectful.

 

Be ready for the worst.

 

Be honest with yourself and with her.

 

Be a Man.

[SoleMate]

Any tips on trying to get her to reconsider and at least try get thos marriage back on track?

Marriage Builders, by Willard Harley. Search the net for it, should pop up right away. This is the best, most practical, most fact-grounded plan I have ever seen for building marriages that satisfy both people and are long-lasting. It wo

 

I disagree with those who say your wife is necessarily cheating or eying another man. It's possible, of course, but I think that being depressed and overwhelmed and lacking companionship are much more likely explanations. Two tiny children at home is a huge stress. The crying from a few weeks ago bespeaks depression and loneliness, not cheating. PPD is a very real possibility. Can you get her in to be evaluated by a professional?

 

Since I don't think your wife is necessarily cheating, I disagree strongly with having your first substantive step being to hammer her with a divorce filing and withdrawing of financial support. I'd try something more constructive like rebuilding the love and the marriage.

 

BTW, I am in China travelling for work right now and it's lonely being away from home, living in a hotel, and reporting to a depressing factory every day. I have also been a mother at home in the US with a baby and (undiagnosed, untreated) PPD and I can assure you it is a much, much harder row to hoe than the business travel. This is your life partner we're talkin about, please don't condemn her and your marriage and your family life on such slight "evidence". Young children are always a huge strain on the couple.

[Shundeez]

Be confident.

 

Be gentle.

 

Be firm (don't take no bull****).

 

Be respectful.

 

Be ready for the worst.

 

Be honest with yourself and with her.

 

Be a Man.

 

Cheers Karnak, I think the two most important bits here are; expect the worst. That way if its not going my way I have not expectations to lose out on and will thus remain calm.

 

And be a man. Too true (although that is what got me in this mess in the first place) but I hear you. Its so strange a man is what I haven't been feeling as of late. Its amazing how something like this can floor even the strongest character.

[Shundeez]

Marriage Builders, by Willard Harley. Search the net for it, should pop up right away. This is the best, most practical, most fact-grounded plan I have ever seen for building marriages that satisfy both people and are long-lasting. It wo

 

I disagree with those who say your wife is necessarily cheating or eying another man. It's possible, of course, but I think that being depressed and overwhelmed and lacking companionship are much more likely explanations. Two tiny children at home is a huge stress. The crying from a few weeks ago bespeaks depression and loneliness, not cheating. PPD is a very real possibility. Can you get her in to be evaluated by a professional?

 

Since I don't think your wife is necessarily cheating, I disagree strongly with having your first substantive step being to hammer her with a divorce filing and withdrawing of financial support. I'd try something more constructive like rebuilding the love and the marriage.

 

BTW, I am in China travelling for work right now and it's lonely being away from home, living in a hotel, and reporting to a depressing factory every day. I have also been a mother at home in the US with a baby and (undiagnosed, untreated) PPD and I can assure you it is a much, much harder row to hoe than the business travel. This is your life partner we're talkin about, please don't condemn her and your marriage and your family life on such slight "evidence". Young children are always a huge strain on the couple.

 

Site looks good, thanks. Seems like a years worth of reading material there. Just need a way for the wife to agree to try some of the things they mention.

 

I wont be slapping her with papers and pulling financial support, if I ever want to get this back on track that is the last thing I would do. Besides its cruel and short termist.

 

I am glad you can empathize with my china situation, crazy place isn't it. And very lonely when in a situation like this. It must be tough for her being on her own with 2 kids and feeling down but she does have many family, friends to help and support her. Not to mention the kids, nothing takes your mind off things like the laughter of love from a child. Trust me, I would change places with her right no in a heartbeat.

[SuperGeek]

Here is proof why it's not even worth trying to 'fight' for a woman in a relationship once they end it on you. Spoken from a woman, this quote shows that once it's over it's over and you won't have a chance in hell to get her back.

 

Women tend to make their minds up irreversibly because they completely lack faith that changes will happen - and even by then, it's too late - the damage is done, and they've reached the point of no return. Frankly, they don't want to return; why should they?

If 'you've' been like this for a long time, what proof can 'you' provide in a relatively short space of time that it will all never happen again? (I'm using the term 'you' generically, here....)

Women throw in the towel when they don't believe their partner can ever change.

 

 

 

Why even get married if people are just going to break their vows anyway ? Last time I checked the vows stated that people would stay together through all kinds of adversity even mistakes! Some serious mistakes such as cheating, physical/mental abuse, etc can't be forgiven, but I don't see any such evidence of this happening from the OP.

 

From the wikipedia definition of "Marrage Vows":

 

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

 

Sigh, I guess I'm never getting married. The whole institution seems like a big lie to me.

 

Jaded,

 

SuperGeek

[Shundeez]

I am back from my visit to the UK. Seeing my daughters was immensely therapeutic. Its uncanny how children can be the most amazing therapists and don't even know it. I envy my wife for having them at home, a nanny in the house to talk to and take her mind off matters. Very lucky indeed. I have my Chinese PA who is the only person I can talk to over here as she is the only English speaking person I know. And I'm not about to talk to her about my private life. So its my thoughts and LS all the way, thanks all. Anyway enough of the sob story.

 

My W and I spoke about things, not much but enough for me to understand that she is not at any stage of reconsidering even trying to get the marriage back on track. When we talk she goes into her shell and is very business like and does not let out much information.

 

I just don't get her. She wont go to joint counselling but says she can't talk to me alone. When asked why, she says I make so much sense that she is starting to agree with me. Then leaves the room. She mentioned that she needs someone else in the room to talk properly. She can't do it on her own. She gets angry inside when I speak of a least trying to see if this marriage is salvageable and going for help etc.

 

She has so much anger and I only see it when we talk heavy, its never around when we are together and talking of other things. In fact we laugh, joke, speak openly and freely about all types of things, we get on extremely well. Like best friends. Hell we even went out to dinner, just the two of us and it was like we were on our honeymoon. I just don't get this women.

 

The anger is coming from the fact she agrees and sees my point when we talk about moving forward together but she is getting angry with herself for feeling like she is turning on her decision and her emotions get pushed deeper inside and her resolve strengthens. The wall builds up and there is no getting through, even though I can sense she wants to run with it. Either that or she is so incensed with me trying to convince her otherwise that she seethes inside when I am being logical. Logic vs emotion was never a good match and the latter always wins

 

So perhaps that is my error. We only see each other every 8 weeks and only for a few days at a time, so the pressure is on,from both of us. Perhaps I should shut up, I'v said enough (even though I haven't even scratched the surface yet) and let her mull things over in her own time.

 

Its so difficult being a million miles away. The less we see of each other the more her love wains.I can feel it.When we see each other I feel we are getting though, somehow, someway.

 

I am inches away from quitting my job (a very well paid one as well) and heading back to the UK to try reconcile. But then I will be jobless, trying to support a family, numerous mortgages, nannies etc and trying to find a job in recession hit Britain and add to that the strains of sorting an ailing marriage out. Not a good move I think.

 

Life is all about choices. I made the wrong one coming out here, can I f*ck up again by going back????

[karnak]

You went abroad to help support your family. Never regret that.

 

Besides, all this looks like an "affair business" to me.

[standtall]

 

Besides, all this looks like an "affair business" to me.

 

IMHO, I don't think so at this point.

[Shundeez]

thanks karnak.

 

I try tell myself that every day.

 

The weird thing is I am over here because of her (and the kids). 18 months ago we made a decision to leave the UK (we are both from south africa) as we didn't like the standard of life, the weather, the cramped spaces etc etc there. I wanted to go to Oz/US, she wanted to head back to SA. I was reluctant due to the fragile political and economic situation. I love the place but basically I cant see a future there for my kids. By the time they are grown up they will leave (as we did), only never to come back. The country will degrade like many other African countries and it will be difficult to make a living and a safe home there in about 20 years time.

 

These are my thoughts and concerns, I may be wrong, but the writing is on the wall. Hence my reluctance to head back there. We had a major row about it. I am usually the decision maker with things like this (well most things actually, which is a problem) but I finally gave in and committed to moving back to SA. To make her happy. She really wanted to be closer to her mother as well, as her parents are getting old. I searched for properties, businesses to buy, jobs to apply for. You name it I totally committed to the "dream".

 

I even quit my job of 11 years as a director in a global company in the UK ahead of schedule when this opportunity presented itself and we agreed I head to China for a year, earn tax free money, get a golden hand shake from my previous company (so burn all bridges there) and then pack up and head to SA with some money and a sound footing to start a new life. For a better quality of life for her and the kids so she can be near her parents etc. The new company i joined in China is also global and has offices in SA. So it all fitted nicely together.

 

Then BAM. I get the call in JUL/AUG.She has had enough and wants out. No explanation, other than she is not happy and is not "in love with me" anymore (whatever that means).

 

So yes I can see and share your point of another man. But I have asked so many people, including her, and all the signs point to no. So i really don't get it. Unless I am being totally blind and ignorant, but there is no evidence what so ever to suggest this.

 

I think she is having a midlife crisis and fantasizes about another life. With other people (and men) in it. But I don't think it is happening. The old grass is greener on the other side thing.

 

The ironic thing is ..... she now wants to stay in the UK and I want to head to SA. So the whole "be near mom" thing is out the window. She says its easier for a single mother to live in the UK. I am now of the mind that if I don't have kids to worry about (in terms of bringing them up in a hostile country that is) then I will head back to SA and try make the most of it, on my own. Clearly that will not happen now as I need to support my kids and wnt to be near them and have a hand in helping them grow up......cant do that living in an African country a million miles away.

 

So, trapped do I feel. I have to live in country I do not like, just down the road from my kids so I can see them, spend time with them and pay for the housing and schooling, cos there is no way she can. Prisoner springs to mind.

 

I sound a bit selfish there nearing the end, but sometime one needs to say these things out loud and think about themselves every now and then. Ok, its all a bit melodramatic and being around my kids is never a chore and I will never feel like a prisoner around them, but I feel she is forcing my hand at this as there is no other way...........and she knows it.

 

Christ, just writing this down makes me think why do I want to get back together with this woman?

[hildaL]

I fell so sorry to hear the bad news. but as a women, i could understand your wife's feeling, cause no matter how strong and independent a woman can be, she need support and company, especially when she got sick or any other sudden situation. all you can is to ask for her support and you should give her a bright promise. and you should fly home about three weeks a time at the same time. I don't know whether you will do my suggestion, anyway, hope u a better happy life.

[karnak]

 

So yes I can see and share your point of another man. But I have asked so many people, including her, and all the signs point to no. So i really don't get it. Unless I am being totally blind and ignorant, but there is no evidence what so ever to suggest this.

 

I think she is having a midlife crisis and fantasizes about another life. With other people (and men) in it. But I don't think it is happening. The old grass is greener on the other side thing.

 

 

Yes. Perhaps you're right. Maybe she's not really involved with another man. But it sure seems she's interested/fantasizing with another type of life.

 

And women usually only enter this state of "daydreaming" when they're offered some sort of opportunity. She may not be involved in an affair. But I suspect that she's being pursued by another man.

 

Which makes her consider the idea that she can have another lifestyle and not risk being alone.

[the ill-made knight]

Honestly, I think your wife just needed support. I don't think she could manage on her own. The two of you have a nanny and you mentioned she wanted to be close to her mother and the children are very young. Bottom line is she needed/needs help then you left. I don't think it was a bad decision at all, but it might've been bad timing what with the children being so young still and both of you being away from any support system that might've been there for your wife while you were away.

 

As crazy as a decision as it might be, if you think you can save your marriage by quitting the job, I would quit, but ask yourself, if you were there...do you think you could save it?

[Decisiontomake]

Hi Shundeez

 

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds heart-wrenching, as do many on this site.

 

I vascilated between post partum depression and an affair in my views on what is going on with your wife. IMHO the latter is the most likely, although may have been triggered by the first.

 

As a woman myself I recognize alot of what she is doing in how I have reacted to my own husband during recent struggles I have had. We are a complex gender at the best of times, but with what she is saying to you and what she is doing (even the great dinner you had where all was fine), it smacks of someone who is torn between two things/men.

 

Of course, I may be entirely off target (and hope I am), it is merely my opinion. In such a situation, and again as a woman who has been/is in this situation I would suggest giving her the space she's asking for. This will allow her to work things through in her own mind - no matter how painful that outcome may be for you - you were correct in one of your earlier posts about how you could convince her otherwise but that would not be her own decision. You need to let her make that.

 

I am very sorry and hope that this board and the varied comments you receive, will at least help a little bit. Take care.

[Shundeez]

HI All,

 

Its been a while since my last post. As of late I've been coping quite well actually, hence the stealth mode. My wife and I have been getting along quite well and I have been doing a 180 which she has noticed.

 

We went on an amazing holiday to the Caribbean for two weeks. We both needed a holiday and agreed that we would just have a good time with no "talking" and just enjoy each others company. Now, it was a bit strange to start with, the big elephant in the room and all that, but we soon relaxed and really enjoyed being around each other. Even enjoying a little kiss and a cuddle. Thinking the holiday would help us move on together and grow closer i didn't spare any expense and through a large amount of money at the holiday. And to some extend it worked. When back in the UK we finally spoke and she said that she would consider a reconciliation and go to MC when I'm back in the UK in March. Its futile to try do any thing when I am so far away so we are leaving things as is for now.

 

Things were looking up until.............

 

We have mutual friends back home. She talks to some of them about private topics, but she made the mistake of trusting someone who has more sympathy for what I am going through and realizes what she is doing is wrong on all counts (well the way she is doing it) and that I deserve to know the truth. She called me up to tell me the day after I left to go back to China my wife sent an email to a man she works with - the email was a naked picture of her with the caption "like my tan lines I got on holiday, thought you'd appreciate them". She then forwarded the mail to me.

 

Bang ...............

 

I called her and confronted her (not about the picture as that would put my fiends trust in question)about who this guy was and what was happening. She flat our denied everything. She says he is a friend. We spoke for hours and I intimated I know more than she is saying, trying to get her to be honest, its what I deserve at least, but she wont.

 

SO my reason for my post is that I am feeling lower than anything in the world right now. I have no idea how to cope with this and to be honest feel the only way I can end the pain is ending my life. Harsh statement I know and I wont do it, but its how I feel. I just cant stop having these really bad thoughts of if I end it the pain will stop. If there is anyone out there that has gone through similar and can help, please do.........please.

 

Being in China is not easy, no one to talk to, no counselling,nothing. Just me and my thoughts in a hotel room.

 

The worse part is this is not me. I am one of the strongest, most confident people I know, but this has just floored me and I hate feeling so pathetic and weak. Why I am so surprised I don't know ....you all warned me and in the back of my head I knew. Just seeing that picture has absolutely destroyed me. Why would she say lets try, then go do that. What type of woman messes with a persons life like this?

[karnak]

We told you.

At least now you finally know the REASON.

As the biblical saying goes: "the truth will set you free". You are hurting like hell, but it will pass. It's true. You'll see. Give it time.

 

As for your wife: she's trash. She's having an affair and she almost destroyed your sanity, by making you wonder what was happening and making you believe it was your fault.

 

Kick her ass. Restore your psychological health. You have 2 kids. Focus on them and don't be a doormat.

 

At least your story can serve as an example to others who are still being "gaslighted".

[karnak]

the email was a naked picture of her with the caption "like my tan lines I got on holiday, thought you'd appreciate them".

 

 

I suppose those tan lines were acquired during that trip you both made to the Caribbean.

Disgusting

[standtall]

Shundeez...steel yourself..she will trickle truth you to death at this point. Pry and pry some more to get the whole truth..if that is what you want.

[Soxfaninfl]

HI All,

 

Its been a while since my last post. As of late I've been coping quite well actually, hence the stealth mode. My wife and I have been getting along quite well and I have been doing a 180 which she has noticed.

 

We went on an amazing holiday to the Caribbean for two weeks. We both needed a holiday and agreed that we would just have a good time with no "talking" and just enjoy each others company. Now, it was a bit strange to start with, the big elephant in the room and all that, but we soon relaxed and really enjoyed being around each other. Even enjoying a little kiss and a cuddle. Thinking the holiday would help us move on together and grow closer i didn't spare any expense and through a large amount of money at the holiday. And to some extend it worked. When back in the UK we finally spoke and she said that she would consider a reconciliation and go to MC when I'm back in the UK in March. Its futile to try do any thing when I am so far away so we are leaving things as is for now.

 

Things were looking up until.............

 

We have mutual friends back home. She talks to some of them about private topics, but she made the mistake of trusting someone who has more sympathy for what I am going through and realizes what she is doing is wrong on all counts (well the way she is doing it) and that I deserve to know the truth. She called me up to tell me the day after I left to go back to China my wife sent an email to a man she works with - the email was a naked picture of her with the caption "like my tan lines I got on holiday, thought you'd appreciate them". She then forwarded the mail to me.

 

Bang ...............

 

I called her and confronted her (not about the picture as that would put my fiends trust in question)about who this guy was and what was happening. She flat our denied everything. She says he is a friend. We spoke for hours and I intimated I know more than she is saying, trying to get her to be honest, its what I deserve at least, but she wont.

 

SO my reason for my post is that I am feeling lower than anything in the world right now. I have no idea how to cope with this and to be honest feel the only way I can end the pain is ending my life. Harsh statement I know and I wont do it, but its how I feel. I just cant stop having these really bad thoughts of if I end it the pain will stop. If there is anyone out there that has gone through similar and can help, please do.........please.

 

Being in China is not easy, no one to talk to, no counselling,nothing. Just me and my thoughts in a hotel room.

 

The worse part is this is not me. I am one of the strongest, most confident people I know, but this has just floored me and I hate feeling so pathetic and weak. Why I am so surprised I don't know ....you all warned me and in the back of my head I knew. Just seeing that picture has absolutely destroyed me. Why would she say lets try, then go do that. What type of woman messes with a persons life like this?

 

Shundeez,

 

I have been in your situation. I heard those words "I don't love you anymore" too from my ex-wife. She was the love of my life and the only women I had ever been in love with. I moved out to give her space after she quite counseling, and she started a relationship with a man 15 years older than me. We are the same age. She lied and lied about this man. I had to find out by spying on her. She was my first love, and I wanted to take my own life. I felt as low as you did and thought about just ending the pain. I wouldn't do it because of my love for my son and didn't want to leave him fatherless. You need to divorce this women. She is not good for you, and she has put you through hell. You deserve better and your kids will need you as they grow up. You are in a lot of pain, and I know how you feel. I really do. I've been divorced now for a year, and it still hurts sometimes but it's getting better. Why be miserable with a women that doesn't love you? I know you still love her, and I know I still love my ex. I always will, but I deserve better and can never trust her again. Eventually you will want to find someone new and start over. Right now you need to get through this and focus on yourself. You need to divorce this women and move on with your life. You will feel better once the divorce is done. You will still hurt, but you will feel relieved that it is over once it's done. My ex dragged her feet and it just prolonged the healing process. Hang in there it will get better. There is life after divorce. I know from experience. Seek some counseling if you can. It helps to get it off your chest and talk to someone.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Soxfaninfl

[Shundeez]

Yep, you all told me. And as mentioned I probably knew it myself, I just didn't want to accept it.

 

At least now I know, I can get closure and start feeling better about myself that it was not my problems or issues that have split this family apart. I can see her for what /who she really is...... trash. I mean who would let their husband take them on the holiday of a lifetime, give him false hope, let him pay for your au pair, big car, big house, all bills and food. Then when his back is turned kick him in the balls and then deny it.

 

Yes Karnak, those tan lines she is showing her "friend" are from the amazing holiday we went on and I paid for. Nice, isn't it.

 

Its amazing, after 15 years you think you know some one, that they are this amazing wife and mother and are not capable of doing anything like this. Can't believe its taken me so long to see her true colours. Any woman out there that has been in similar situation? Can you relate, is this the work of a vindictive, selfish, cowardly person or the actions of a scared, confused, panic, stricken individual.

 

In a way I don't rue her for having the A, millions do, attraction and sex are natural. Its the lying and deception and leading on and being taken advantage of that is the killer. But then again, this only happens because I let it ....... so is it my fault?I think this every day.

 

The sad part is it doesn't change a thing about the way I feel. How weak and pathetic is that. If she said tomorrow she is sorry and lets work this out I would drop everything and do it.

 

I suppose its places like LS that give me perception and clarity of thought. Someone said earlier:

 

"Kick her ass. Restore your psychological health. You have 2 kids. Focus on them and don't be a doormat"

 

Never truer words said and has actually made me realise that this is not my fault and that I need to man up and do what I need to. F*ck her off out of it and concentrate on me and those kids.

[thatone]

 

She has always harbored a lot of guilt and has always been hyper sensitive (from the day we met). Now, that mixed with a person (me) that battles to show emotion and is strong is a recipe for disaster. It leads to a lot of feelings being bunched inside.

 

 

you say this yet you married her and gave her two children, and sent her money while you were halfway around the world.

 

this is the lesson.

 

you are by your own account a fairly accomplished businessman. does any of this sound like a wise decision, looking back on it?

 

say you had a partner in a business who was notoriously unstable, unreliable, and generally destructive. would you say "here, take the company credit card and i'll be back in a year"?

 

no, that would be ridiculous. yet you signed a legal contract with such a person and did just that.

 

do yourself a favor and avoid doing so ever again. small flaws you can overlook, small differences can be ignored, but you don't marry unstable women and give them money and children.

[karnak]

 

Its amazing, after 15 years you think you know some one, that they are this amazing wife and mother and are not capable of doing anything like this.

 

Don't beat yourself about it. Situations like yours are way more common than you think. You can live with a person under the same roof for more than 20 years and never know their true colours. We only let others see what we allow them to.

 

And trust me: there's nothing that you've done that allowed for your wive's affair.

 

Many poor women suffer terrible physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners. Yet, they never allow themselves to indugle in such things. Because they have a strong chatacter. Not the case of your wife.

 

People cheat because they want to. The same way that some people would rather starve than steal or kill in order to eat, some people won't allow themselves to hurt or disrespect others. While many people have no trouble in living a double life in order to fulfill their goals.

 

As I said: you will be better. Just let the river of time flow by with no hurries. Time is the great revealer. It will reveal you wife and your marriage for the true colours it had.

 

I suffered a great betrayal in my life. One that even created a debt of 50.000$ upon my shoulders.

The hurt was so much that I seriously considered taking my own life.

Yet, here I am. Alive and kicking.

[Soxfaninfl]

Its amazing, after 15 years you think you know some one, that they are this amazing wife and mother and are not capable of doing anything like this. Can't believe its taken me so long to see her true colours. Any woman out there that has been in similar situation? Can you relate, is this the work of a vindictive, selfish, cowardly person or the actions of a scared, confused, panic, stricken individual.

 

My ordeal with my ex-wife taught me is that people change and sometimes NOT for the better. I knew my ex for 13 years. She cheated on me. My ex tried to leave me with nothing. She also tried to make it so I would only see my son every other weekend. That would have been only four days each month, but she didn't care. She wanted to stick me with her legal fees and pay her alimony. The funny thing is she has always worked. I got my son every other week. Like I said people change and not for the better sometimes. This experience is a learning experience for you for the next time.

[karnak]

My ordeal with my ex-wife taught me is that people change and sometimes NOT for the better. I knew my ex for 13 years. She cheated on me. My ex tried to leave me with nothing. She also tried to make it so I would only see my son every other weekend. That would have been only four days each month, but she didn't care. She wanted to stick me with her legal fees and pay her alimony. The funny thing is she has always worked. I got my son every other week. Like I said people change and not for the better sometimes. This experience is a learning experience for you for the next time.

 

I disagree with you.

People never change. They either reveal their true nature or hide it behind a mask.

 

As for your ex-wife, did you knew her since her early childhood? If you did, you probably would see that she was a very different woman than the one you married. She probably returned to her true self now.

 

Look at the people you've known since you were a kid: your parents, your family, your childhood friends...

Did they really change that much through the years?

Did your essence change throughout the years (your core beliefs, the way you react to situations and other people, etc.)?

[Soxfaninfl]

I disagree with you.

People never change. They either reveal their true nature or hide it behind a mask.

 

As for your ex-wife, did you knew her since her early childhood? If you did, you probably would see that she was a very different woman than the one you married. She probably returned to her true self now.

 

Look at the people you've known since you were a kid: your parents, your family, your childhood friends...

Did they really change that much through the years?

Did your essence change throughout the years (your core beliefs, the way you react to situations and other people, etc.)?

 

I have to disagree. I met my ex when we were both 21. We separated when we were both 34 years old, so I knew her for quite some time. I feel she changed, and my counselor agrees that people do change over time. She is not the person I married anymore when we were both 23.

 

I have changed. I'm not the same person I was when I was 10 years ago. My thoughts and feelings are different on certain subjects than they were say 10 years ago.

 

Yes, I have seen a huge change in my father. He is more relaxed person than when I was younger. He's more laid back. He was very uptight, and his priorities were different. So yes people do change.

 

Hell even my ex said to me that she change, and she was no longer the women for me.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Soxfaninfl

[Cb3657]

I would say I have changed quite a lot over the years, not in core beliefs, although some of those have changed, but in how I interact and react to people. What is more fundemental to your actual action than how you treat people.

To Op, one thing to remember is it is very likely she will sooner or later come clean and ask for you back, you have shown yourself to be a good provider, whatever she gets from this other will likely not balance that, the fact that she is lieing shows that you still carry this value.

So then you will have to choose, many folks will fight for their marriage others will say goodbye and good riddance. I think you have to look deep into your future and find out if you can live with cheating, because you were only gone 3 months when this happened, will your career continue to have you traveling?, if so can you live with her have others while you are not around? Just some questions to ask yourself. Seems like she has shown you that when she is lonely she will seek out other men.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Cb3657