Wife serves me the news while in China

[stillafool]

HI All,

 

 

The worse part is this is not me. I am one of the strongest, most confident people I know, but this has just floored me and I hate feeling so pathetic and weak. Why I am so surprised I don't know ....you all warned me and in the back of my head I knew. Just seeing that picture has absolutely destroyed me. Why would she say lets try, then go do that. What type of woman messes with a persons life like this?

 

 

We knew it because we have read too many of these stories and normally there is always a 3rd party involved. You are not weak and pathetic but human in the way you feel. I was just waiting for this ball to drop because I knew thats what she was up to. I feel for you. What are you going to do?

[mark982]

shundeez,now that you found out your stbxw's true colors.time to drop the hammer and show her what her soon be be ex-life was like,fire the nanny so she don't have all this free time,move money around so she has no access to it,stop her cc cards.send her enough for the kids NOTHING else,cell phone?-canceled,time to give her a rude awaking to the real world.

[Soxfaninfl]

shundeez,now that you found out your stbxw's true colors.time to drop the hammer and show her what her soon be be ex-life was like,fire the nanny so she don't have all this free time,move money around so she has no access to it,stop her cc cards.send her enough for the kids NOTHING else,cell phone?-canceled,time to give her a rude awaking to the real world.

 

I agree. She has it made. Get rid of the nanny. She needs to get a job and start to support herself.

[Shundeez]

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I start to pull the finances my children will suffer. She will be forced to move to a small flat in a bad part of town, thus change school for my eldest and live in a less than decent neighborhood. I would like to avoid that at all costs.

 

But I agree, the nanny should go and I will start mentioning to the W she has to fire her. Perhaps I'll start pulling luxuries bit by bit so she can get used to the new life her and the kids will face.

 

I really dont want to do this, but its time now I think.

 

Spoke to her again last night and she is still denying it. Perhaps she's trying to fool herself that its not an affair to feel better about her infidelity or perhaps she wants to carry on having it,thus by denying it thinks she can still get away with it. Some people stupidity never ceases to amaze me.

[mark982]

while i do respect that you love your kids, "mentioning" to your wife about firing the nanny isn't going to cut it.YOU need to do it,time to stand up and be a man.if you don't want then to have to move,then set up a account where bills are auto paid,but wife can't touch any money in that acct..STOP giving her any access to money,you can't nice your way outta this.

[Shundeez]

Again thanks for the advise. At this stage I'm not even thinking about cutting finances, but I will, soon. I'm still trying to deal with betrayal and deception. All I want at the moment is the truth and I'm going to try find it. I deserve that at least.

 

Perhaps for some reason I'll think the truth will finally set me free. All I know at the moment is she is sending pics of herself to another man at work. An Affair (emotional or physical) is pretty obvious but I'd like her to accept the fact that she has been deceptive and cruel to an extend that is not even imaginable to me or our friends.

 

I am no longer the villain and her the victim, the tide has turned and its a complete swap. Perhaps I want her to admit that what she has done is wrong on all counts and that I do not deserve this, thereby giving me solace that I tried everything I could to keep a family together and all she did was stab me in the back.

 

She will have to live with that, our family and friends will find out exactly who she is and her true colours are now showing for all to see. She will one day have to tell the kids what she has done to this family and their father.

 

Perhaps that's my way of being vindicated, I don't know. I am not going to waste any more time feeling as if I was the cause of this. She can now live with the guilt. I will not stoop as low as making life tough for her or hold resentment, I am not her, I am better than that.

 

Her demon closet just filled to the brim and my guilt tank dropped to zero. All energy towards those kids now. I hope they make it through unscathed what is about to follow.

[mark982]

shundeez, with all due respect,she isn't going to tell you the truth. she don't want to screw up her gravy train,i mean your thousands of miles away from home it's easy to blow smoke up your rear end. the ONLY thing that's going to snap her out of this is hardball,and seeing what life is like w/o your $$..

[karnak]

 

Perhaps for some reason I'll think the truth will finally set me free. All I know at the moment is she is sending pics of herself to another man at work. An Affair (emotional or physical) is pretty obvious but I'd like her to accept the fact that she has been deceptive and cruel to an extend that is not even imaginable to me or our friends.

 

 

You do well to seek the truth. It will finally bring you peace of amind and real closure.

But don't expect your wife to apologize or to tell you the truth. Most betrayed spouses expect their partners to become completely clear.

That almost never happens. The little (and most important) details concerning her feelings, the sexual desire, her emotions towards the other guy: those are very peivate things that touch people on a subconscious level.

 

Most of the times they're not even aware why they indulge in the affair. As I said in another post: it's part of their core essence. Who they are and who they will always be.

 

Focus on yourself, your kids and the idea that you may want to finf a decent woman in the future.

Your wife is not a part of you. She always was and always will be an independent person. You can't control her feelings or emotions. All people do what they feel like doing. Period.

 

This is the case with you, your kids, your wife and whoever crosses your path on the future.

 

Your wife has proven she's not suitable to spend the rest of her life with you. Your times together are finished. Time to start a new phase.

 

Remember all those people you met in school and work? You lost track of most of them, didn't you?

That's how life works, mate. Some people are meant to just stay in our lives for a limited time. It can be 1 year, 5, 15 or 20. And then each go separate ways.

[Shundeez]

hi all, its been an age since I last posted here. I suppose I have been so busy with work that I haven't had tome to think or action my impending divorce and adulterous wife ...... which has actually been an amazing relief.

 

As you all know I am still in China, but due to head home in MArch. I was doing just fine, i.e. getting to grips that my marriage was at an end and I should start seeking legal advise etc.

 

Until I went home for Xmas and NY. The whole being home ordeal has rekindled feelings of despair and hope. We went away for Xmas and all seemed to be going really well. Wife and I were getting along like a house on fire, well until I found out she was still in the grips of the affair and was talking and texting the OM while I was in the next room.

 

I flipped out and told her to stop crossing boundaries. I set them last time we were together. There was a lot of anger and shouting in the conversation.

 

If there is anyway for us to move on, either together or apart (I want to get on with my life with or without her) the only way I can forgive and forget it for this affair to end.

 

I have been advised by people on the marriage builders and divorce busting sites (people with vast experience in infidelity) that the biggest weapon I have in terminating this affair (she has said in the past i twas over, but clearly is not) is to expose the affair to everyone. Our families, or friends, work colleagues, the whole bang shoot.

 

Very nervous to do this as am scared the after math will only drive her closer to the OM. Has anyone done this with desired results, if so what was your strategy?

[whichwayisup]

Do it. Tell them all. And if the guy is married, or has a girlfriend, she needs to know the truth too.

 

It's a sure way of ending the A. You are not the bad guy here.

[Shundeez]

yep I am going to do it this week. emails to her hr department, emails to her parents and his parents, all our friends and extended family.

 

I am not doing this to seek revenge or be vindictive, I am doing this to try save my marriage and keep a father in two very young childrens lives.

 

Its an extreme solution but the only one i have left. She is not listening to reason or logic as she is so entangled with the OM that her brain is not functioning properly. She is on this drug of an intoxicating affair and the fog seems to drown her judgement and let her feelings and emotions rule her decisions. But I am sorry there is too much at stake here for me to just roll over and accept which may be the inevitable.

 

May the consequences of an affair rain down on the adulterers, I am no longer the victim or the villian, I am a man trying to get his life back on track.

[Shundeez]

While preparing for the Exposure I have since come to learn that there is another guy in the mix. Someone she has been in contact with for near on 9 months.

 

That's right. There seems to be a third party. I don't know to what extent the A is at, even if it is an A at all, but I have noticed from her phone records that she has been contacting another man either first thing in the morning or very late at night. I have no other evidence other than this. At times she has been texting OM1 at the same time as OM2. That is to say texts being sent and received, a plethora of them, between the two guys within minutes of each other, almost 1am in the morning. This was happening while I was fast asleep in the other room.

 

I confronted her about it and she got very angry, saying he was just a friend. Now she has admitted that OM1 is a lover (she says only emotional but I think that is a lie - well I assume because the number of condoms in her bedside drawer have decreased somewhat) but says OM2 is a friend. To avoid confrontation I said I believe her and left it at that.

 

There are way to many contact points at ridiculous hours for this to be the case.

 

I am absolutely devastated that the woman I once knew and loved is capable of doing such a thing. I honestly did not think she was capable of doing such a thing.

 

What should I do? Confront her to say I know she is lying that there is another guy? Should I include it in my exposure? Perhaps let both guys know she is cheating on not only her H but them as well? or should I get more proof about OM2 before I launch this bomb?

 

Devastated and really considering if I want to be with such a woman?????

[jwi71]

If you want to save your M you can't do it from China.

 

Either you move to her or she, kids and all, moves to you.

 

Failing to have normal daily contact will require you to trust that she has ended her A - and given how easy it is for her to continue her A in your absence, I think all you do is drive yourself crazy wondering what she is doing half a world away.

 

You seem inclined to fight to save your M so I would have them move to China.

 

If you don't, it's a slow slide of misery and ultimately D.

[Shundeez]

thanks JW. Yes I have been overseas for 5 months since this all began.

 

I stayed out here to give her space. I realise that is now a mistake. I have handed in notice on my contract and will return beginning of March.

 

Until then there is not much I can do. I suppose I could make a plan of how to approach this once I head back.

[andygohome]

Mate, this is what I would suggest (I dont know what stage you are at, so this is just general advice), IMHO:

1) do not leave your job for your marriage, make sure your China position is safe, beside weather in UK is s hite anyway. its getting cold now, blimey

2) Get a uk solicitor, the best you can afford.

why?: I could be wrong, but it seems quite a bit of assets are involved here and altho W might have an A, it is unlikely to impair her claims, if at all and you have kids, which in a divorce will be expensive. So you need someone v good to fight your corner. I would suggest sorting this out first. A good lawyer can guide you properly. But be prepared to lose quite a bit in terms of assets, the only consolation is that your kids might be well provided for and you get out of a bad M.

But as a mother and having taken care of kids and your property while you were away, I reckon you are likely to take quite a bit of financial hit.

Divorce in UK is all about division of assets and ensuring welfare of any children involved, not much more than that.

 

Check with your lawyer before you inform your W that you are taking legal advice.

Everyone and his mammy talks to a lawyer, so its nothing unusual, be savvy and talk to one first, theres no reason to alert the missus beforehand.

 

3) Be very savvy in terms of your income, expenditure and assets. Seek advice on how to safeguard it (See 2)

 

4) Be prepared, s hit will hit the fan and it will get ugly before you see a blissful sunshine.

 

 

stay strong.

Edited January 11, 2013 by andygohome

[Caldespair]

Shundeez

 

You have been showing amazing restraint, I don't know how you have handled it. The answer is you are strong and a survivor. But now it's time to do what Andy says above. I'm going through d after 20 plus years, 2 teenage girls, but no affairs or deal breakers. I too thought I was blessed with my life. I'm having a rough time, been 6 weeks apart and I am reeling. Your story is gut renxhing. You will make it through this tunnel of s..t. God speed.