Am I paranoid, or is she unfaithful? needed?! Be warned, long story

[jbower]

Hello people of loveshack,

 

My name is John. I came across this site in hopes of finding others input into the rather uncomfortable situation I find myself in. This is a rather long story, and to get the best idea to give the best opinion, it had to be long. I will quickly rin through the main parts that make up my concerns now. Thank you

 

It started with Stacey, a wonderful girl, introduced to me 3 years ago by my friend. She was his ex, but he had broken up with her and to help my girl issues, had suggested i spend time with her to get comfortable around girls. We started to spend time together, as friends, being somewhat a shoulder to cry on as issues plagued her life at the time. Awkward as it was, I grew feelings toward her. Funny outgoing and never dull, but alas, on and off with my friend. 6 months after meeting her, my friend had left for a different city to pursue a career. Several times me and her got very close. SO i asked her out, but the answer was no. To add here she has a very flirtatious and friendly manner, maybeI misunderstood, but several long kisses and lots of romantic movies together made me think we could be something. I was shot down, but I moved past as It was her choice. Now enter my best mate, at that time we had been friends since 5 years old. Inseperable brothers, he had always had something against her. But something changed and they became friends. She started to spend less time with me and more with him. Things came to a stop between us when she began lying about spending time with him. I called it quits when I came to her house to suprise her with a teddy she wanted, my best friends car was outside. I txted her and asked what she was up to, she said spending time with her mother inside, I asked her to swear on our friendship, she did. I was broke. I told her we were done. She told me afew days later they were dating. I spent months depressed, a mental illness that runs in our family. I couldnt believe my best friend had betrayed me as he knew my feelings for her, and I couldnt believe she had lied so eadily and crushed my heart. I was happy just to be friends. I started to drink heavily and smoke alot of weed as these were the times i felt happy. I would spend alot of time at another friends house, he was my shoulder to lean on. A good man. But they taunted me, he had a loud car and would sit outside revving and speeding past. Telling our friends I was pratically nothing. 4 months later and she broke up with him. He tried consolling in me, i turned him away. But one night she rang me sobbing. I went to meet her and she said she had to move far away with family. I couldnt help being supportive, people in tears are people i generally help. But alas, she only ended up moving 40 kilometres away. INstead of overseas. An easy driving distance i started to bring her into town on weekends while she studied at a school during the week. I began going out with a girl whom I liked and happened to be her old friend. Two weeks later she tried to get me into bed, I turned her down. But my new girlfiriend broke up with me as I wouldnt ditch her. For months we had a regular pick up schedule, began being more than friends (sex) but not going out. She told me she loved me and was sorry, but continued rfusing to go out with me. I was sure she was still seeing my best friend though she told me she wasnt. At the end of her school year when she moved back we began dating. Short lived. We had an argument and as quick as lightning she broke up with me. To such an effect I called her crying to resolve issues while her friend ( at this point i should mention most of her friends are/were male) mocked me and i could hear her laughing in the background. She got a job and a flat, and to move in with her. Again we had a relationship with no name. Sex but not partners. We started to go out again 6 months later, after we were rocked by our first earthquake. In New Zealand. Flash forward a year (to early 2012) in which during that year we had our ups and downs, but she always made me question certain times of her with other males. Most of what i thought she was was no longer there, but she was still my angel.SO now we are at the beggining of this year. I met up with my old best friend, we resolved our issues and began hanging out again. This is where i had discovered he was still seeing her while she was studying out of town. not alot, but enough to make me feel sick. She left her phone next to me one night, I coudlnt resist, I picked it up to see messages from a girl, flirting with her, and by flirting i mean recalling thier old lesbian experience 5 or 6 years back and arranging to meet secretely. I brought both of these to her attention only for her to ignore the best mate/schoolyear issue and tell me the flirting with a girl was just that, flirting and nothing more. Again like i said, ther were times i questioned her, but had weak evidence to say definietly.

 

Now we are at now, 03/08/2012. We are dating still, so just over a year and a bit now. But on and of afew times. She has been seeing afew male friends, arguing, but mainly, she has had a Jadelle implant put in. Which is a contraceptive device. For the past few months since putting this in we have only had sex about 1 a week if not less. She tells me it is not me, but that her hormones are messed up and she just doesnt feel aroused. She deletes all her messages now, and barely tells me what she is doing. I also found out she has seen one of her ex boyfriends ( of which she has 5) on several occcasions she did not tell me about around a year ago. Now shes not a slut, she has a friend, who is a slut so i know the difference. But she is excellent at lying and hding her tracks. I dont know whether to trust her. The worst I have done to her is lie about smoking pot as she hates me doing it. We have been through so much, seen shooting stars together, rare birds in the middle of nowhere while driving nowhere. Im always there for her but now, it just feels weird, she is barely affectionate and treats me like dirt. Often Making the most of telling me off when I make mistakes. When we were 'together in feelings' it was amazing. but now, again, i feel like dirt. Im in love with her, i know that. I cant just walk away, God knows Ive tried. I question whether i really know her every day. My depression is seeping back in as I have had a hard year since the earthquakes. Losing a great job, a car, a beloved pet, the family home, afew friends in the quakes next to almost being killed by a falling building, being arrested for drink driving resulting in me losing a new job, being mugged, attacked by a dog while protecting my nephew, diagnosed with hep c i contracted at birth. Amongst other things A very ahrd year. I believe i am a good guy, ive done stuff wrong but but ive never treated her as she has treated me. I think she is hooking up with someone else. I dont know what to do. There is so much more to this story, she isnt the worst person, she is great but bad at times. I need some advice. Ive asked her is she is cheating, but she says she is not. If you have read this far what do i do, it feels breaking point for me is near and if i do, I dont think i can or want to hold on. I only have afew friends left. my life now is her, my family, and my study. Someone please help me. I cant leave her, im in between mount everest and the hard rock cafe ( a rock and a hard place) Thank you sincerely,

 

John Bower

[foralittlerespect]

May I be frank?

 

This girl is NOT trustworthy. This relationship is very one-sided. She continues to text/flirt/who knows what else with men and women behind your back…it’s fishy to me that her text logs are always cleared (also, it’s a red flag that you feel the need to go through her phone in the first place!)

 

Ask yourself—what are you getting out of this relationship? You say you love her, but in my experience, that is often not enough to have a lasting relationship with someone. You want a loving, monogamous relationship, and she wants to party/seek attention and validation from other men besides you. In short, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

As for your depression—I understand that it runs in your family, but I’d also take a look at your circumstances. Sounds like you HAVE had a rough year and have some issues to work through, as does she. But let me offer this—it takes two people who are sure in themselves and able to nurture and sustain their own growth to have a healthy relationship together. There really aren’t any shortcuts…believe me, I’ve tried, and so have many others. That is one of the (many) reasons that I am single right now.

 

Just thought I’d offer my thoughts to you since I read your entire incredibly long post…

[jbower]

Hey, thanks for your reply.

It's good to have others input as I hardly have the friends left there to do it. There is so much more I could add to this story, but I guess the inevitable is that I shouldn't be with her. But it's like she plays on my emotions to keep mew attached. I wish I could just jump of my arse and walk away but I am emotionally weak and just wish everything was normal. I was almost killed in the earthquakes and since then have taken an approach to forgiving and forgetting. If you have a method to walking away that might help me please add . But again thanks for reading