capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 My mother just called me today and told me that I needed to come see her, when she has put no effort whatsoever to come and see me. They can spend all the money in the world on going on all of their camping trips and going on a beach trip, yet it's always an excuse when I ask why they won't come see me. It's always like "Well we don't have enough money to book a hotel room" and "The dog will be so unhappy there in your cramped apartment" or "I am too scared to drive that far". Yet I am expected to spend every penny on coming to see them. I have told them numerous times that they can stay in my apartment because it has 2 bedrooms. I am on my last rope with them. My dog has had health problems and we haven't been able to just throw her in the car and drive a long distance. Plus it has been so hot and I don't want her in a hot car. I am so sick of this crap. I guess the world revolves around them. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Ogden Nash once famously wrote: "Children had to have something to ignore; That's what parents were invented for." Until they pass away, (When I guarantee, you will miss them) you're stuck with them. so really, if I were you, instead of complaining, try to devise a compromise - come- strategy that would keep everyone happy..... and believe me - I haven't met one single person yet, who has not at one time or another, complained vociferously about their damn parents... ...including my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 I have tried this in the past. I have told her that if I came and saw her once a month, she could see me once a month. I have lived up to my end of the bargain. Every time it's her turn, she just has an excuse. I have come up there every time she has wanted me to, but when I ask her, it's an excuse. It's not like I am being ungrateful. I am just telling everyone how it is and how unfair it is. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Well (and here comes another quotation) we teach people how to treat us. How old are you? Wait.... forget I asked. Dumb question. To our mothers, we're perpetually 12; I'm 55 and i have a mother.... Moms are an unbeatable force, and you can't argue against them. I hear apparently that Jewish mommas are the worst, closely followed by Italians. My mother's Italian. With Jewish blood.... look, I really don't know what to advise except that occasionally, if we stand our ground and say - "Sorry, no can do. You'll have to find a way round this, because i can't always take responsibility for this" - occasionally, just occasionally, it surprises them enough to shut them up and makes them think again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 I'm 30 and my mother is 57. My mother is Irish. lol. I don't know how that makes her culturally, but I feel sorry for you as that you have both the Italian and Jewish mother. Yeah I am taking a stand on my own and not giving in to her wishes. When I am ready to see her, I will come see her. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I know what you mean. My mom actually stays with us in a one bedroom apartment, although I start going crazy after a few days, because it's just way too cramped and they can be messy. I'm not sure what type of advice I can offer, but effort has to be made on both parts, not just one. My husband tried that with his mom and stepdad for years. His mom never made an effort to contact him or invite us over, even when we lived close. And when we'd drop by to drop off a souvenir we got for them, his mom would just complain that we didn't "ask them" to come by first. He always needed to make an "appointment" to see his mother. He's given up on it, because his mother makes no return effort to see him. I wouldn't drop contact with them, but I would tell her you will try and see her when you are able, but you have a lot going on right now. If she cannot see you, it will have to wait. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I read your other thread on narcissistic parents (plainly, I do not like pink_sugar's dad whatsoever). I wouldn't bother going to visit her if she can't make the effort herself. It's a two way street. Both sides need to put forth the effort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I read your similar reply in your other thread. What is happening to you has happened to my dad. My grandpa always asked him over the weekends, he would come on the bus from 100miles away [****ty busses], and leave on monday morning directly to work. He would come to work for him, because he put him through college, because he did this and that, because their kids [me and my sister] were living with them and were incurring an expense [which they payed for financially and they wanted us there], etc ... After i was about 14, my dad and I didn't see eye to eye, and he still worked for my grandpa, took care of him, of his own brother who had cancer [my dad paid for the expensive treatment and his brother even stole stuff from his own house after], it never ended. After he died [my dad], my told me that my dad felt that he was a better son than he was a father. For the sake of your future family, you need to cautherise this wound. Cut her off, drawing a line in the sand and sticking to it will make them understand, be prepared for being called some very bad words though. If you can't for financial reasons or whatever, work on your independence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 You guys are right. I shouldn't have to see her until she attempts to meet me halfway. It makes me so angry that she is more willing to spend money on a trip to do what SHE wants to do instead of spending money to come and see her one and only child, YET all she can do is complain that I am not spending a dime to drive out there and see her. The thing is, the only thing we would insure that she pay for is the gas to come down here. She has a FREE place to stay and we would pay for food. But NO, it's too much of a hassle for her. Yet it's not a hassle to drive to the beach, which is the same distance from where she lives as it is to where I live.The funny thing is, where we are going is where we used to live and we tried to get her to come and visit down there too but she made up excuses. NOW, she wants to go down there. Isn't that some s**t? It makes me so angry. I can't help but to think that she is a narcissist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Sounds like her priorities are messed up. My BIL and SIL, (see other thread) used to be bad like that. Hardly saw us even when we had a 2 bedroom apartment, preferred to stay at the grandparents the whole time, each time they visit. And the grandmother gives them a curfew. I've learned to think of it like this, it takes the stress off of us as the hosts having to put them up in our tiny apartment (one bedroom now) and we won't drive each other crazy by staying together several days. So it's really no big deal they stay with the grandparents, the only irritating thing is that we don't see much of them due to them placating the grandmother and her restrictions. The lesson learned from this is to not make the extra effort for people who won't do the same for you, even your own parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 This is why I am standing my ground and not coming when they ask me to. They certainly don't do the same for me, so why should I? But I do feel guilty about it and I miss them. It hurts my feelings that they won't even try to come see me. Maybe I read into things too much, but I feel like they make me feel bad for not having a house yet. My parents always want the best of everything and I feel like what I am giving them isn't good enough for them. I would love for them to come and spend a weekend with me at my home, but they won't come. It really sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I know how you feel. My husband's mother is like this. She's never made an effort to come and visit us despite only living a few miles away. She thinks email and facebook are efficient enough. I blame it on her husband too, he keeps the ropes pretty tight on her and he himself has never made an effort to be a part of my husband's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author capricorndreamgurl3 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 That's sad. My dad isn't like that with my mom. In fact, he is always welcome to come as well. I don't leave people out in my home. I am not that way. The thing is too, he hardly goes to see his own mother, which I understand because she is a bitch. But still, I am getting tired of not being met halfway on things, yet I am painted as a horrible daughter who doesn't care for her family when I don't visit them. Yet they can spend money on all the things they want to do. It really sucks and pisses me off. I just can't take it anymore. I am scared of having a heart attack due to the stress they cause me. UGH Link to post Share on other sites
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