10 years and calling it quits....

[Blue_Lagoon1983]

I just joined, and this is my first post.I really need to talk to others who are going through/have gone through this....sorry if it's a little wordy!

 

My wife and I got married when we were 18 and 19 respectively. We were madly in love at the time and quickly began working on our family. We had our first son really quickly and he is 9 now. We were very broke, struggled a lot, but managed to put ourselves through college and she has a bachelors and I have my masters. In the meantime, we also had another boy and a girl who are now 4 and 1.

 

Recently, I have been noticing changes in the marriage. Over time, we just kind of grew apart. There was less romance and more just talking and being comfortable with each other. While being comfortable with each other isn't a bad thing, the lack of romance and the feeling of "love" in that sense is a difficult thing for me.

 

We have been talking a lot about how young we got married, and how it would have been nice to enjoy life a little first. We have no regrets about where we are and love our kids to death and would never change that, however it has become apparent that we are two different people than we were ten years ago. These people that we are now still "love" each other but in a different way. It's not the romantic, burning love anymore, but the I care very deeply about you and want to be in your life, but not the way we are now.

 

So, I knew what was building, but refused to admit it. My wife however is much better than me at facing an issue up front and realizing what's going on. The other day, she told me what I knew was coming at some point: she doesn't want to be married anymore....

 

It wasn't an I hate you get out of my life talk, but more of a we need to really look at us and where we are and realize that it's time to move on. Interestingly, since she has been thinking about this so much more than I have, she has already grieved (for the most part) privately, prepared herself, and is supporting me very well. She has patiently answered all my questions and been very willing to let me do what I need to do to work through this. So we are at an interesting point in this process. I am grieving a lot....I am hurt, I am scared, I don't know what the hell to do; while she is still upset but more accepting and at the point where she is waiting for me to decide what the next move will be.

 

So where are we now? She has made it very clear that she still loves me (in that different way) and has absolutely no problem with me staying there while I figure things out. I asked her about it being uncomfortable and she said in her mind it has been this way for a while, but she had to find it in herself to bring it up to me. We have discussed kids a lot because that is our biggest issue right now. There is none of that I want the kids and you can't have them....it's how a discussion on how can we best do this so no-one is hurt a lot. we have found through our own personal vacations that we are actually better parents (more involved) when we are alone because we aren't relying on each other so much. So I don't feel like seeing/sharing time with the kids will be an issue. Hell, I don't even see us being friends being an issue as we still care deeply about each other.

 

It's just the emotional pain that is killing me right now. I am ok in the day when I am doing things, but nights and mornings suck. I am not eating right, I am not sleeping well and just can't help thinking back at what I could have done differently. I don't know if I want to move out and live on my own, if I want to stay a little longer so I can have a better plan, who to tell, when to tell, etc.... It just sucks so much. Right now I am with my really good friend for a few days (a pre-planned trip) which has been nice to keep my mind off of things.

 

So with that long story (which of course has so much more to it!), here is what I am asking: this does get better right? I feel like it is a good move, but at the same time I feel like it is killing me. I apologize ahead of time, but I really don't want the horror stories and for people to tell me, "Watch out because it could get really bad, she might change after, etc..." but I would like to know if anyone has successfully stayed friends with an ex even after they move on to other relationships. And particularly, it would be great just to hear some encouragement that it does get easier and even some tips on how to better get through it right now.

 

Thanks so much if you are still reading!