Coffee20 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 In my life I have met a few people who put me down for no reason. I have never known how to react right or what to answer. I am usually quiet or I become angry, or I am sorry. These three things are completely wrong, because those people humiliated me even more. It was my ex, my fa, some of my teachers and a few "friends" around me. It is almost impossible not to meet them and I know I will probably meet these kind of people again. What to answer or what to do when I have to talk to them? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 It might be easier to give an answer if you give some examples. What sorts of things do people say to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Best way to react to people who antagonize you; ignore them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 (edited) In my life I have met a few people who put me down for no reason. I have never known how to react right or what to answer. I am usually quiet or I become angry, or I am sorry. These three things are completely wrong, because those people humiliated me even more. It was my ex, my fa, some of my teachers and a few "friends" around me. It is almost impossible not to meet them and I know I will probably meet these kind of people again. What to answer or what to do when I have to talk to them? In reality I don't meet too many antagonists anymore, I have found by helping others I am able to meet grateful people who are reaching out for me to help them, sometimes they bite the hand that feeds them, this hand is often my hand. I however, understand that it is not me that they are antagonistic towards but their own situation and struggles.The only time I will bite back is if I feel my family or people I care about are compromised and ridiculed then it is an entirely different situation. Antagonists are cruel (whether in a heartless way without thought or emotion towards another, or as a coping mechanism they use in regards to transference of their problems onto you) and as posters have said to you, it is often best to walk away if you can. Any normal person will have a response take place that is called "fight or flight response" listen to what yours is telling you, your mind and body will let you know what you should do, your mind will have clarity. How you treat these antagonists, should depend on the situation and what you feel in your own body and what your mind is telling you. Your in built dear abbey advice giver..... is you...... also badly you are feeling, at the situation or people that are antagonising you....if this constantly happens, you constantly feel attacked or antagonised, then professional help or speaking to someone can be a relief, you don't have to shoulder the burden yourself.Make the load you carry on your shoulders lighter, share your feelings with someone who cares and is there to help you, just reach out ......I hope I have helped you in some way.... good luck and best wishes....deb Edited August 2, 2012 by todreaminblue extra words Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Ignore them, or what I like to do is keep a smile on my face and tell them that it's a good thing that their opinion means nothing to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Most people find me a bit intimidating so I assume they might insult me out of earshot. What they think of me is none of my business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 People don't put me down. They may call me names behind my back, but whatever. DON'T violate me, or anyone I care about. This guy who is about a foot taller and 50 lbs bigger than me tried to get me to give up a volleyball court he wanted to play on, that I was practicing on. There were other courts available, but he wanted mine. He made a few comments that I generally ignored, then my blood boiled and I lost it. Instead of just being a man about it, he was saying things like "oh don't your friends normally play on that court over there?" trying to get me to leave. After about the 4th or 5th comment I walked right up to his face and I told him don't you ****ing ever talk to me like I'm your little ****ing kid again, you got me? I'm not a ****ing kid, I don't want to be spoken to like I'm a little ****ing kid, and I don't want to hear one more ****ing comment come out of your mouth again about what ****ing court you want to play in, got it?! I turned to walk away, and he made a comment about how I treated him like that before, so I turned around and got right in his face again, and said don't ****ing tell me I did this to you, I have seen you around and I have never said a ****ing word to you ever before because I don't give a **** who you are, I'm not ****ing here to make friends with everybody, so don't ****ing tell me I did this to you before. He apologized, I walked away, he didn't say another word to me or look my direction for the rest of the night. In life you are nobody's bitch. I don't care who does, or doesn't like me, whatever, but DON'T **** with me, or people I care about. I may sound like a hard ass, it's not my intent. I just know how people can be. I have a ton of wonderful, sweet, loving friends, and I do because those are the type of people that I respect, and that respect my beliefs and values. If someone wants to come along and think they are going to dump their suitcase of bad mood or anger on our party, I am first one to throw them out, they are not going to rain on our parade. Command your respect, that is the best I can share with you. Everyone is entitled to it, and those that don't give it to you are not nice people. TREAT them like they are not nice people, that's how you deal with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coffee20 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 not that everyone do this to me, only someone and here is one example from my ex, it wasn't really so harsh, but it wasn't nice either and I didn't feel well after it Me and my ex were walking around my flat and we were talking, it was a nice day and I felt happy. Suddenly he told me he didn't like his hair, I wanted to cheer him up and told him back, that noone is perfect and if I would change something in myself it would be my breast. His reaction was for me incomprehensible. He told me that it would be better for me to have bigger breast, I told him back that I don't mind, it was just example, but he continued: "Of course if you have bigger breast, it would be better in bed, I would be more excited, so I think you should have a plastic surgery. Each of my friend would tell you the same thing, that only big breasts are sexy. There is no wonder that noone is attracted to you, except me (this wasn't true at all, don't know how he came to this) and it is good that noone is attracted to you because at least you are only for me and I don't have to be jealous." his speech continues, it was something about my friends who have big breasts and that they are sexy.... - it wasn't teasing, he told me all that and he was very calm and he didn't even smile Maybe it was partly true, but still it wasn't nice to say. And I had one teacher who called me stupid etc....or some vulgar words, but this example above was just right on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 In my life I have met a few people who put me down for no reason. ..... What to answer or what to do when I have to talk to them? Just don't talk to them. No one in this life is so essential to you that they cannot be removed from it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The dot Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Just don't talk to them. No one in this life is so essential to you that they cannot be removed from it. This is 100% true. Also remember that living well is the best form of revenge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 (edited) not that everyone do this to me, only someone and here is one example from my ex, it wasn't really so harsh, but it wasn't nice either and I didn't feel well after it Me and my ex were walking around my flat and we were talking, it was a nice day and I felt happy. Suddenly he told me he didn't like his hair, I wanted to cheer him up and told him back, that noone is perfect and if I would change something in myself it would be my breast. His reaction was for me incomprehensible. He told me that it would be better for me to have bigger breast, I told him back that I don't mind, it was just example, but he continued: "Of course if you have bigger breast, it would be better in bed, I would be more excited, so I think you should have a plastic surgery. Each of my friend would tell you the same thing, that only big breasts are sexy. There is no wonder that noone is attracted to you, except me (this wasn't true at all, don't know how he came to this) and it is good that noone is attracted to you because at least you are only for me and I don't have to be jealous." his speech continues, it was something about my friends who have big breasts and that they are sexy.... - it wasn't teasing, he told me all that and he was very calm and he didn't even smile. There are certainly guys out there who will do that. No question about it - and they do it because if you react by crying or getting upset it makes them feel like a big man. There's a little bit of the psychopath in a lot of people, that you'll only see when they're confronted with somebody they regard as vulnerable. Easy prey. Case in point...years ago when I got sacked by a boss I really didn't get along with. He came into my office, told me he was firing me and then turned really nasty. For a few seconds I just sat there feeling stunned and not knowing how on earth I should react. I suppose too that I was on the verge of tears. He could see this, and he was feeding off it like a vampire. I could see it happening. Then I sort of detached myself and imagined I was an objective onlooker watching the scene....and immediately it became clear to me how I should respond. I told him "enough. I'm not interested. I don't like you, I don't respect you, I find the way you're behaving so pitiful that everything you think and say is completely irrelevant to me. Regardless of you dismissing me, for the time being this is still my office. Get out of it." He stood up, stormed out and slammed the door. I refused to take garden leave, came in the next day and spent the entire day downloading every bit of evidence I needed against him while he stood there gawping and not sure what to do. I was amazed that the firm didn't chuck me out there and then...but I've a feeling the other partners wanted me to raise an action to give them an excuse to oust the guy from the firm...which is exactly what happened after the action settled, and was one of the things I'd been aiming for. You have to be either very cold and ruthless with people in this situation, or you have to walk away from them. Trying to appeal to the better nature of somebody who's bigging themselves up on your vulnerabilities is the equivalent of a dog rolling over on its back. "I submit - please play nice with me." Some people can do that no problem. It won't stop the bullying and putdowns, but it'll ensure that they're interspersed with patronisingly affectionate pats on the head. An icy response/walking away is most commonly the best solution if you don't want your life to be constantly filled with stress and drama. Cleanse your life of a few of the worst offenders, and some of the others will start to see that you mean business. Edited August 3, 2012 by Taramere 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 An icy response/walking away is most commonly the best solution if you don't want your life to be constantly filled with stress and drama. Cleanse your life of a few of the worst offenders, and some of the others will start to see that you mean business. It has worked for me! Great advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Think "that's not very friendly" and get on with your life. You might even say it, if you feel inclined, but I tend to find just thinking it is good enough for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I pity the fool who derives self-esteem by attacking other people - Mr T 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tman666 Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I can't think of a lot of people that say stuff to my face anymore. Back in the day (before the look in my eyes said "I will murder you in your sleep"), I found the best thing to do was to be non-confrontational and ignore them. If it's bad enough though, there are ways to disarm people if they are verbally attacking you. Look up "verbal Judo" techniques. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Sometimes it's better to ignore the person. Sometimes they won't leave you alone unless you say something back to them, it depends on how bad they're being to you. The comebacks that work best for me are to just question them on their behaviour. What did you just say that for? What do you mean by that? Why are you acting that way? Why do you want to know that? What are you talking about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 drop them, they know they are targetting you, some say you are supposed to react - but how easily? - just know that they have introduced a component into your association that would have discounted any friendship if they'd have been like this when you first met, but now they like this component, they use it they usually do more of it, so just drop them, which leads to an argument because the whole situation develops into a basic power-grab with them angry at your rejection 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 You have to be either very cold and ruthless with people in this situation, or you have to walk away from them. Trying to appeal to the better nature of somebody who's bigging themselves up on your vulnerabilities is the equivalent of a dog rolling over on its back. "I submit - please play nice with me." Some people can do that no problem. It won't stop the bullying and putdowns, but it'll ensure that they're interspersed with patronisingly affectionate pats on the head. Yes! I've been there. He would call me things like "honey" and "sweetheart", talking down to me. I responded by saying what I wanted to say in response, using similar precious terms in the same patronizing way that he'd used them, and it pissed him off. I won't get into the rest of it - it's just depressing. I always ended up calling him on his BS, but he shouldn't have had any more chances beyond a certain point. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Sometimes it's better to ignore the person. Sometimes they won't leave you alone unless you say something back to them, it depends on how bad they're being to you. The comebacks that work best for me are to just question them on their behaviour. What did you just say that for? What do you mean by that? Why are you acting that way? Why do you want to know that? What are you talking about? This is something that I will do now, if I can detach in the way that Taramere described. "Why do you need to believe that? "Why do you need for me to believe that? Why do you feel the need to upset me in this way?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Sometimes it's better to ignore the person. Sometimes they won't leave you alone unless you say something back to them, it depends on how bad they're being to you. The comebacks that work best for me are to just question them on their behaviour. What did you just say that for? What do you mean by that? Why are you acting that way? Why do you want to know that? What are you talking about? This above is what I usually do. I go up to them, as soon as it's out of their mouth and ask them why they said that and what they expected me to say back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I have let one of them practically eat my soul. I feel like i have no dignity left. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Yes! I've been there. He would call me things like "honey" and "sweetheart", talking down to me. I responded by saying what I wanted to say in response, using similar precious terms in the same patronizing way that he'd used them, and it pissed him off. I won't get into the rest of it - it's just depressing. I always ended up calling him on his BS, but he shouldn't have had any more chances beyond a certain point. It's so easy to look back and think "I shouldn't have put up with that", but there are some things you just have to learn with experience. I had a boyfriend who would be incredibly patronising to me, and I just shrugged it off because I felt his condescension came from a place of immaturity rather than greater wisdom. After we split up on fairly horrible terms and the news of what a cheating, hustling scumbag he was really sank in, I wished I'd taken more opportunities to give the patronising little f*ck what for. On the other hand, sometimes it's best to just stand aside and wave a person down that path of condescending obnoxiousness. Somewhere along that path, the kicking of their life awaits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 This is something that I will do now, if I can detach in the way that Taramere described. It's a case of imagining yourself being a third party in the room. Somebody who's not directly involved. I tend to find it easier to stick up for other people than to stick up for myself. Doing that "stepping out of myself" thing helps you to avoid falling into that trap of thinking "did I deserve that?" and to focus instead on the person's behaviour that you want to address. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coffee20 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 thank you a lot for all your stories and advice! they will be helpful for me It's always harder when the humiliation come from people who are from your family, or from someone who you are in love with Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coffee20 Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 It's a case of imagining yourself being a third party in the room. Somebody who's not directly involved. I tend to find it easier to stick up for other people than to stick up for myself. Doing that "stepping out of myself" thing helps you to avoid falling into that trap of thinking "did I deserve that?" and to focus instead on the person's behaviour that you want to address. yes, this is a good idea , I can stand up for someone else, but for myself it's always harder Link to post Share on other sites
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